Divorcing amicably. What do I do?

[Pidlan]

Have been separated from DH for 6 years, living apart for 5 and a half. We have 2 DC, now 8 and 12. They are with me most of the time but he has them most weekends. I generally get on well with my ex.

We split up because we'd grown apart- there was no-one else. He developed intimacy issues with me (think he stopped loving me, basically) and he agreed to move out of the family home so that the DC didn't have to move schools. But he just didn't, didn't look for anywhere, so in the end I moved out. I am now renting, and ex is still in the family home. Said family home is in both our names. Ex gives me maintenance which we both agreed on 5 years ago, but which I now think is probably below average for our circumstances. Not too bothered about that- we get by.

Here is the bit I'm struggling with. It's time we divorced. I am in a new relationship, and it's serious, so I feel that I want to start a new chapter. But I know the question of the house will have to be faced when it comes to splitting the assets.
A few facts-

• H was a homeowner long before he met me. He put my name on the deeds when we got married.
• I have never contributed to the mortgage, and barely contributed financially at all during the time we were together. I gave up work to raise the children.
• Because of the above, I don't really feel any ownership of the house and am thinking of just signing it all over to him. But a few people close to me have told me that I'm undervaluing myself.

Any advice/experience shared would be appreciated!

You raised his dc - you are entitled to at least 50%.
Easy to want to walk away but dc will benefit if you push for what you deserve.

Thanks April. I'm a bit of a pushover I think- I do everything to avoid confrontation, but I need to stop caring quite as much now, I think. It's really bloody hard, though, as if my brain needs rewiring.

Ime it's him /you in divorce. You HAVE to put YOU first.

You need proper, professional detailed legal advice. Especially because you have young dc. A few bullet points on an anonymous internet forum are not enough.

Talking to a solicitor does not mean the divorce has to become acrimonious. You can still remain amicable, but with a better understanding of the law and how it applies to your situation.

As pp said, your dc will also benefit from a fair settlement.

You raised his dc - you are entitled to at least 50%

That does not necessarily follow. There are a range of factors the courts take into account in determing what constitutes a fair split. There is nowhere near enough information here to say what a fair split would look like.

Pidlan - You need to consult a solicitor even if you intend to do as much as possible yourself. When they have all the information they will be able to advise you what you should get. Don't undervalue yourself.

Thanks all. I will consult a solicitor just to get an idea of how things are. We've never spoken about divorce at all but I feel the need now. I should have done it years ago (like ripping off a plaster, the split and divorce could have been done in one) but I have been so meek.

I'm thinking the fact that I moved out and have been working for the past few years may affect the outcome.

If they have lived apart for more than 5 years are they not now deemed to be divorced?

To OP

Think you need to seek advice ASAP. That you have lived apart for so long, but husband has lived in the family home since the separation might be considered to have set a precedent? That you have a new partner may complicate things too as your husband may argue that new partner can help you financially (assuming new partner is employed) and you need less of the assets than he does as he does not have a new partner (or does he?).

I say this as relative of mine separated 8 years before divorce was finalized, but lived with new and good earning partner. Ex wife stayed in the family home with 2 DC. Judge ruled that ex wife should keep the house in totality even though all costs had been paid by husband. Husband had good pensions to look forward to and had a new and good earning partner to live with. Hence he did not need capital to re-house himself.

Every case is different, but I don't think you should sign over house without seeking advice.

Good luck.

You do deserve a share. If you have a conscience do the maths and take it from there.
You raised your DC's.
Be fair but don't undersell your input. Good luck.
You do need advice OP but do as much as you can amicably.

If you are were a sahm you could be due a share of his pension. Do not underestimate what this might be worth to you, my neighbour is working nights into his 70s as his DW is unfit to work and still has 4 years to wait for her state pension, she divorced years ago and wanted nothing to do with ex, was a sahm , hence only has state pension to look forward to.

Thanks all. I have emailed my local solicitor to ask for a meeting. Also spoke to a close family member about this last night, who was relieved that I was finally thinking about all this. She also pointed out that as well as getting divorced and claiming a fair share of what is owed to me, I needed to relieve myself of the emotional burden of him- I do tend to worry what he's doing on his birthday, who looks after him if he's unwell etc etc.

MissedTheBoatAgain I think you might be right there- It's something that has occurred to me. When I first moved into rented accommodation, friends and family were advising me not to for that very reason. It's something I may have to face.
My DP does earn a fair wage and is currently going through a divorce himself. I really hope that my divorce won't be as awful as his...

Me and my ex basically worked our the finances ourselves. We split everything. We had a business and then the equity in the house. Added it all up came to a figure (that actually I owed him, as I was staying in the house and he was keeping the business)

What I am trying to say, is that if you can come to an agreement together then that's better. You still should have a solicitor to do all the legal stuff and make sure it's all ok. But it doesn't always have to be a fight.

We had actually 'done' the financial side of things before the divorce bit. We had a 'financial clean break' order written into the divorce: stating what we had done with the house/business. So it was all clear and no come back in the future.

That sounds ideal blueskies. To be fair to H, the reason things are as they are now is because I am so ridiculously averse to any kind of disagreement or upset, but those things never really go away, they're just delayed. The thought of sitting down with H and splitting assets in that way brings me out in a cold sweat but it is so much more sensible. I'd just have to really work hard to restrain my "no no no no YOU have it all, really it's fine" people-pleasing tendency.

@Pidlan I am also not keen on arguments and everyone told me I was too generous. (He had an affair) but at the end of the day I NEVER wanted to be seen as the bitter ex who had fleeced him!! All I wanted was to be able to take the mortgage on myself and pay him off. I had an amazing mortgage advisor; they took into account tax credits as earnings etc.. I am going g off track..

You can say that you are entitled to half the pension, savings, debts whatever; but the reality is if you can both come to an agreement you are happy with you have saved yourself thousands in legal fees (someone arguing on your behalf) and also the bitterness and nastiness of it all.

BUT make sure you do get what you really and morally should. Please don't be over generous ; it's not all about what you financially put into the marriage.

Xxx

Thank you blueskies. I am getting a bit stressed and overemotional just thinking about it, and I know I have to do it now. I've spent the last 5 years putting it off because I thought there was no point, just a piece of paper etc. Exactly what my parents did when they separated. I should have faced all this years ago.

@Pidlan
I am glad we didn't leave it. We agreed on the finances farirly early on but didn't really put it into place until a few months on.
I expect with a lawyer 'fighting my corner' I would have come away with more money, I'd possibly have been encouraged to try and get the DC more days (we have an almost 50/50 thing more in my favour which we are both ok with..) I would possibly have had half his pension. But... it would have created animosity, anger, heart ache etc etc. And we both have to be parents. That is certainly not worth it for me. It's all about the DC and they are happy because we get on.
This is only my personal opinion. Some people think they should fight for the most they can, but I personally think life is sort and he caused me enough grief and sadness to put myself thru more! I just wanted to get on with my life

I agree with you completely. I know I could fight and get angry etc but I don't want that. It's what worries me about solicitors really- I don't want them to try to fire me up and make me question what I feel in my gut is right.
If you don't mind me asking- If you have 50/50 contact, do you get child support payments? The kids are with me maybe 65% of the time. We agreed on £200 pm when we first split up (again, a case of me being ridiculous and basically going "Yes that's great! If you can afford it! Anything is fine really!") But I put our details into the online calculator thingy last year and it should be more like £400pm.

Well that makes my sound awful we have 2 DC.
I have them 4 days he has 3 days. I get £190 a month. He pays for most of after school clubs. We both have clothes, uniform at home so both buy our own when needed. I always seem to buy school shoes, and for some reason I agreed to paying for school trips as I get the child benefit. The girls really do have 2 homes though , although mine is where we all lived originally. I am fine with all the above, we went with the minimum that the child maintenance calculator online suggested. As he has 2dc that live with him and his partner that knocks money off the suggested amount!!

Ah OK. Thanks for sharing. My H doesn't have a partner afaik.
Thanks again for all your help- I don't really know anyone in this position irl so it's a huge help!

You're welcome.
Don't put off the chat, it has to happen at some point and you'll be glad when you've done it.

Best of luck x

@Pidlan I am also not keen on arguments and everyone told me I was too generous. (He had an affair) but at the end of the day I NEVER wanted to be seen as the bitter ex who had fleeced him!

Wow this myth that affairs entitle the partner who did not have affair to a more favourable settlement dies hard. Courts would make order based on what assets are available and who needs what. Reasons for the divorce are seldom taken into account. Exceptions maybe one partner running up huge debts or DV?

However, well done for being able to settle without huge Legal costs. Easy for others to say "take ex to court to get more", but if legal cost is greater than what you were prepared to agree amicably you are worse off.

If you have not contributed to the house I really don't think it's fair to god to fifty percent! Sure maybe claim a bit but half is not fair ok your husband.

If you have not contributed to the house I really don't think it's fair to god to fifty percent! Sure maybe claim a bit but half is not fair ok your husband

Another myth that does hard. Any assets acquired after Marriage will be considered JOINT regardless of who paid for them. Courts will decide how JOINT assets will be divided, but no obligation to award everything 50:50. Many factors will be taken into account (too many to list here) when courts decide what is a fair division.

In my case Ex did not pay for any assets as did not work during the marriage, but ran the house and looked after 2 children. Settlement was that she received about 75% of assets to reflect fact that I will always be able to earn substantially more than she can. Fair in my view.

If you have not contributed to the house I really don't think it's fair to god to fifty percent! Sure maybe claim a bit but half is not fair ok your husband.

That has always been my opinion too tbh, until someone asked me what I consider the financial value of raising two children and doing all domestic stuff. I replied that it wasn't about the financial value, it was my pleasure to do it- But then, what if it has to be given a value?
Say 10K a year. About 15K less than I was earning beforehand. About 25% of what my H earns.
I was 7 years off work and raising the children.
7 x 10k = 70k.
Which is just under half the value of the house.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie I do get your point, but how would you go about deciding what is a fair amount and what isn't? I am genuinely interested because I really do want to do this fairly and am open to all ideas.

To Pidlan

You could post forever on MN and get a different opinion every time. Either agree a figure with Ex or accept that it will be necessary to involve the Courts and the associated costs.

Thanks Missed - I do know that those are my options, but others' experience and advice are helpful, which is why I posted.