Divorcing amicably. What do I do?

[Pidlan]

Have been separated from DH for 6 years, living apart for 5 and a half. We have 2 DC, now 8 and 12. They are with me most of the time but he has them most weekends. I generally get on well with my ex.

We split up because we'd grown apart- there was no-one else. He developed intimacy issues with me (think he stopped loving me, basically) and he agreed to move out of the family home so that the DC didn't have to move schools. But he just didn't, didn't look for anywhere, so in the end I moved out. I am now renting, and ex is still in the family home. Said family home is in both our names. Ex gives me maintenance which we both agreed on 5 years ago, but which I now think is probably below average for our circumstances. Not too bothered about that- we get by.

Here is the bit I'm struggling with. It's time we divorced. I am in a new relationship, and it's serious, so I feel that I want to start a new chapter. But I know the question of the house will have to be faced when it comes to splitting the assets.
A few facts-

• H was a homeowner long before he met me. He put my name on the deeds when we got married.
• I have never contributed to the mortgage, and barely contributed financially at all during the time we were together. I gave up work to raise the children.
• Because of the above, I don't really feel any ownership of the house and am thinking of just signing it all over to him. But a few people close to me have told me that I'm undervaluing myself.

Any advice/experience shared would be appreciated!

My parents got divorced then remarried. They then separated but never divorced. My dad always chose to walk the path of least resistance with my mum and didn't pursue a 2nd divorce. The first divorce saw my dad get a settlement and off the mortgage. when they got back together he was contributing but it stayed in my mum's name. She sold that house bought another. They actually reconciled again for a while and he contributed there for 50% of the time she owned it. Their final separation she bought a place outright which he never lived in. When they got to retirement age, he also gave her a monthly amount to make up for her smaller pension due to career break for raising my brother and me. She died recently and left everything to my DC.

My dad will always be in rented. He prefers to rent and has a v good pension, lives in a fairly cheap area etc. But he doesn't have dependent DC to worry about, no university fees to consider , his health is generally good etc.

To get to my point(!) I would be very careful about weighing up the long-term future when considering the financials. I really would urge you to get legal advice and weigh up how generous you can actually afford to be IYSWIM. Your H may not have a partner now, but that could change tomorrow. He could have more DC/his employment may change/your circumstances may change/landlords give notice/illness. All things to consider. I think you have to set aside your feelings and be realistic.

Good luck.

It's what worries me about solicitors really- I don't want them to try to fire me up and make me question what I feel in my gut is right

Go to www.resolution.org.uk/ and find a solicitor who is a member of Resolution. They are committed to a non-confrontational approach to family problems. But, based on the things you have posted on this thread, I have to say that what you feel in your gut is right may be a poor guide. It sounds like you may well be selling yourself and your children short. Remember also that any financial settlement you agree will need to be turned into a consent order and approved by the courts. They will not approve the order if it is clearly unfair. So it is important that you understand what a fair settlement looks like. You don't have to fight for every last penny if you don't want to. The courts won't object if your settlement is on the low side as long as it is not clearly unfair.

Thank you prh - I had no idea about the consent order thing. This is why I need to chat with a solicitor (and you lot on here!)- My gut feeling is clearly a bit off on this one. I have to stop making myself the victim all the time.

I too would suggest a solicitor who specialises in family law because you need to establish how the assets might be split. DH was a home owner before he married you but had a mortgage. Therefore I assume you didn’t put any capital into the house. Shorter marriages tend to mean more of the assets are more likely to stay with who provided them but not entirely of course. The longer the marriage, the nearer you get to 50/50. However potential earnings and pensions are taken into account. There needs to be a fair apportionment of assets and financial assets like pensions.

Could he buy you out if you were awarded 40% for example? Is there enough equity in the house for you to sell up and both to move forward. Would he be able to buy another house? What position should or would you be in regarding buying a house? Do you want one? Can you both afford houses big enough for the family? Who is the resident parent? If you have the children more often and receive the CB, I think it’s you. Will living arrangements need any tweaking? Would he be happy with the status quo? This is the sort of conversation you need to have with a solicitor so negotiations can begin. They don’t have to be acrimonious but you do need a fair settlement.

To Pidlan

Posters on MN can tell you about their case, but no two divorces will ever be the same circumstances. There is nothing to prevent you and Ex making an agreement, but to make the Agreement binding so it can't be denied in the future it will have to be recorded in a Consent Order and stamped by the Courts.

As prh47bridge has correctly pointed out such agreement needs to be reasonable to both Parties. If blatantly unfair to either Party the Courts will not stamp the Consent Order. You could ignore and proceed on the agreement you have made with Ex, but you will not be able to enforce in the future if things do not work out.

I think MN has served your purpose. So suggest you seek advice from an experienced Family Solicitor as to what is a fair deal. For a Solicitor to be able to provide good advice it is essential that you tell them the full story and provide whatever documents you have. If you withhold details or documents in an attempt to bias their advice you are wasting their time and your money.

If Ex accepts that is good. If Ex rejects then going through the Courts and paying the associated costs is the only remaining option.

Good luck

Hi OP

I hope you can scrunch up your courage and not go for 'easy' option of coming out of divorce with much much less than is reasonable. Your SAHM stint was very much a contribution. If you can't do it for yourself, try to think of it as ensuring things are as good as can be for your children when they are at home with you.

I very much agree with PPs' thoughts that your 'gut feeling' about what is fair is off and so cannot be solely relied upon. It's being overridden by your fear of confrontation and people pleasing habits.

Bit left-field but I would read self-help books about boundaries/ get a bit of therapy as you begin divorce proceedings to try and work on some of the mental barriers you have about valuing yourself and also try to find your own voice to know what your worth is. The voice will be there, just a bit covered up by wanting to be nice, to be seen as being nice and the habit of avoiding unpleasantness/ confrontation even if you lose out because of it.

Changing those 'too nice' attributes wouldn't make you any less 'good' as a person. But it would be a mature and adult approach that valued yourself as well as others. I think by posting you recognise this is probably an important thing to do in divorce proceedings/ settlement. The financial aspect of it should matter to you and you should feel able to feel that.

Thank you so much ovenchips - I think you're absolutely right and this is exactly the kind of advice I need really. I have had a bit of an awakening since meeting OH and being party to his divorce proceedings, and thinking how ridiculous it is that I am so very meek. And of course, it's not just the divorce- I am like this in every situation really in my personal life. It needs sorting out because my current relationship will never work if I'm always trying to please others and never giving any thought to what I want and what is good for me.

Thanks to you to MissedTheBoat - Legally, I have all the info I need to proceed now, but as you can see from the above, MN and this thread continues to serve its purpose and it's very useful support for me to keep chatting to people who have been there.

Have made an appt with a family solicitor.

The thing is that while he's been paying off the mortgage, you've been forced to pay rent. You really are entitled to some of the value of the house, OP. Don't be a walkover!

OP I definitely speak of which I know on this matter. I was a bit barmily 'laid back' and people pleasing. Whatever people wanted to do was 'fine by me'. If asked directly what I wanted, I really struggled to answer and felt uncomfortable as I hadn't/ couldn't even consider it. If I was financially disadvantaged I would say 'It's only money'. Etc. Etc. Etc...

I was lucky enough to have a long stint of psychotherapy (not for that, for trauma that was ongoing) and my boundaries are really pretty good now! I am very comfortable at letting people know what I want/ need/ expect (whilst also always trying to be polite/ considerate etc). I can now easily identify in myself what I want/ need in any given situation. I really struggled to know that before.

If conflict arises because there is a difference between what I and someone else wants, I actually now quite look forward to being assertive and standing my ground. It's incredible the change in my thinking. I thought the way I used to be was my fixed personality/ temperament. It wasn't.

Life is much better being this way and it also feels much more mature and adult which I really enjoy the feeling of!

Best of luck with everything.

We used the family mediation service www.nfm.org.uk

They will help you come to an arrangement with finances that you both agree on

First you both need to fully disclose your assets and debts to each other, then you have a clearer picture for the split. Don’t put yourself down though for being a sahm and not earning, a solicitor would say 50%

They may not say 50% with the op moving into her husband’s property (or one he financed from the sale of a property) and a relatively short marriage. Just don’t expect the Earth but do not undersell either.

Its just so tricky to really come to an arrangement on what is a fair split . I have been a sahm for many years and the last two I am medically retired and registered disabled . I can not work so am asking for Sm after such a long marriage. I am only in rented accommodation though and not enough in the pot to buy anywhere for myself and DD . Its such a worry .

Have taken the first step today and have made an appointment with a solicitor. It's so weird. All of a sudden I feel like I really want a divorce right now.