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Original poster

Ex husband in prison, how can I protect my children when he's released

27 replies

Notyouraveragemum · 27/08/2018 14:52

Hi I'm new on here and hoping someone can offer advice... I have 2 issues
First, my ex husband is in prison for over 2 years (probably serve half) for domestic violence- officially 3 charges of abh. Before he was sentenced I said I would support him with wanting access to our children when he's released as long as he didn't go back to the woman and sorted himself out. He is now engaged to her... Social care have said the children can't see him while inside and on release he must have supervised access indefinitely. The kids now want nothing to do with him as they saw a lot of the violence and know that he's chosen to stay with her when they don't want him to. Is there anything I can do to basically cut him out for good? They have also asked to change their surnames to mine, especially my eldest who starts high school next week and doesn't want to be associated with him by name (He was in the local paper for what he did), can I do this without his consent?

Second problem, I'm due to try and buy him out next year but I want to look into having the house
signed over to me in lieu of maintenance, I will be worse off in the long run and he wants his lump sum when he comes out but I think it'll be better all round to not expect anything from him. Any idea how I can go about this?

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/08/2018 16:05

So the domestic violence was against the woman he is now engaged to?

Original poster
Notyouraveragemum · 27/08/2018 16:19

It was yes, she dropped charges but it didn't make a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
Notyouraveragemum · 27/08/2018 20:05

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
BurritoSquad · 27/08/2018 20:13

I have no idea about the house but regarding the kids , it depends on how old they are . I think it's usually 9/10ish that their wishes are taken into account .
Unfortunately , courts often still award contact to violent parents . If it's supervised at a contact centre you could easily just go when you're meant to and if the kids refuse to see him then it will be noted . You won't be expected to physically force them , all you'll have to do is make them available for contact . It sounds like an awful situation for you and the kids , hopefully someone will be along soon with some proper advice .

Original poster
Notyouraveragemum · 27/08/2018 20:44

Thank you for replying, the kids are 11, 9 and 7. The social worker agreed that he was better off out of their lives and to let him take me to court "if he could be bothered" I was just wondering if I could do anything officially ready for when he's released

OP posts:
lemonsorbetinthesun · 27/08/2018 21:31

Is there a social worker involved atm? Have you anything in writing regarding the social workers advise re: supervised contact?

NaomiNagata · 27/08/2018 21:34

You can instruct a solicitor to take him to court and have his parental rights removed. This rarely happens and usually only in cases of abuse against the children, but if you can afford it (I'm not sure if legal aid would be available for this) then speak to a solicitor.

If a court removes his parental rights then you'd be free of him with no legal obligations to him. But you'd also no longer be entitled to maintenance (I think).

Original poster
Notyouraveragemum · 27/08/2018 21:57

The social worker isn't involved anymore as there is nothing for them to do, as long as I stick to what they have said then there's no risk to the children. I do have a copy of their assessment though which states supervised access in a contact centre until the children are adults.

I'm not bothered about maintenance, I'd rather he was out of our lives which is why I want the house in lieu of maintenance. I'm not sure I'd win trying to get his parental responsibility removed from what I have read, although children witnessing domestic violence is classed as child abuse now so maybe I do have a chance?

OP posts:
NaomiNagata · 27/08/2018 22:03

@Notyouraveragemum

My solicitor was willing to give it a try for me, and my ex was just a shit, selfish, immature ass.

With all the emails I had from him and even the stuff he had instructed his solicitor to say (his solicitor refused to represent him after 6 months as he was so abhorrent about the children) he thought we'd have a good chance just to ensure he could be kept away from the kids. But we'd be in a very small town court and the judge who handled family cases was a hard ass on shit dad's, so he thought we had a chance.

I didn't in the end as he chose to walk away and leave us alone but I'm sure my solicitor would have told me if he thought I had no chance. If I had a chance then you might too.

RedHelenB · 27/08/2018 22:21

You won't get the house in lieu of maintaince.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 27/08/2018 22:42

Good that you have a copy of that assessment. Make copies, leave a copy with school/nursery also.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 27/08/2018 22:44

As for the names - technically yes you can do this without his consent however if he found out and was so minded he could get this changed back.

You can call your child whatever name you want to at school, without having to change it legally I believe (but do check this out)

NaomiNagata · 27/08/2018 22:48

Many councils in Scotland stopped allowing "known as" names. You had to provide proof of a legal name change or proof that everyone with PR agreed to a different name being used.

I had to fill out an application which went on for pages and send all the solicitors correspondence etc. They replied with "you have no supplied all the necessary proof to allow a known as name... But given the mitigating circumstances we will allow it unless the father raises a complaint".

So they do allow it but it's case by case and a pain in the ass.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2018 22:48

Your son can be 'known as' on his school records, like register etc, so ask the school to do that.
But he can't change without permission until 16 so he may have his certificates in his old name.

Bluelonerose · 27/08/2018 22:48

Just before he is released ss should contact you about arrangements for him seeing the children.
Mine was always supervised at home so might be slightly different.
Good luck

prh47bridge · 27/08/2018 23:34

Your son can be 'known as' on his school records, like register

Only if the school ignores the law and official guidance. Using a "known as" name constitutes a change of name which requires the consent of everyone with PR or a court order.

NaomiNagata · 28/08/2018 13:13

@prh47bridge

Any application needs to go to the legal team of the local authority. And they can use their judgement on a case by case basis.

My children have no legally changed their name as I have no way to contact their dad, but I do have a year's worth of letters from his solicitor reaffirming his choice to have no involvement, or asking to see them and then refusing when I said yes. I sent everything in with my application and they allowed us to have known as names.

It is allowed, as long as the father doesn't turn up and complain. If he ever does then they need to use the legal name.

prh47bridge · 28/08/2018 13:37

It is allowed, as long as the father doesn't turn up and complain

No it is not - at least, not in England. Any change of name requires the consent of everyone with PR. That is the law.

If your LA's legal team is in England and is "using their judgement" to allow name changes they are breaking the law and ignoring official guidance. The current official guidance says, "Where the parents have divorced, schools should ensure that the surname by which a child is known should not be changed without written evidence (independent of the parent seeking to make the change), that consent has been given by the 'other parent' or by anyone else who has parental responsibility for the child". That reflects decisions made by the courts.

Collaborate · 28/08/2018 14:29

@NaomiNagata You can instruct a solicitor to take him to court and have his parental rights removed.

You really can't unless he only has PR because the court made an order or there was a PR agreement. This father is OP's ex husband.

That basic error does rather call in to question the reliability of your advice about change of names which, along with the advice of some others, is also incorrect.

NaomiNagata · 28/08/2018 14:57

@prh47bridge

I'm just giving advice on my personal experience and have said I'm in scotland; it might be different elsewhere.

I wasn't married to my ex, and I was asked if I wanted to go to court to attempt to remove his parental rights by my solicitor.

My children's legal names are their fathers surname. At school, they are called by my surname. I followed the procedure explained above, and it was granted. I'm happy to PM you a copy of those forms and the details of my local council so you can check for yourself.

What I've said is not incorrect, given that my children are in school right now with my surname.

NaomiNagata · 28/08/2018 15:02

@Collaborate

See my reply above.

prh47bridge · 28/08/2018 15:14

I am talking about the law, this being the "Legal Matters" board. Yes, sometimes official bodies break the law. I am not disputing that your LA behaves in the way described. But in Scotland, as in England, any change of name needs the consent of everyone with parental responsibility. In law it is absolutely not the case that you can change the name unless the father turns up and objects. In law you need everyone's consent before any name change can take place. If your LA is allowing parents to change their children's names without such consent they are on dodgy ground.

Collaborate · 28/08/2018 17:29

As far as I’m aware the law relating to removal of PR is the same in Scotland as in England. If a father has PR because he was married to the mother at time of birth that PR cannot be removed from him (save by adoption). If he was unmarried to the mother, and remains unmarried to her, the court has the power to remove any PR granted by virtue of being on the birth certificate, PR agreement or court order.

That is why you had the option to apply to remove the father’s PR in your case. You then assume that others have that option, when OP clearly doesn’t. That is why we often advise people here to take proper legal advice. Just because person A did X, doesn’t mean to say that person B could do the same. Just going through it yourself once doesn’t mean you can start advising others. OP might have paid to see a solicitor based on what you put in your first post had it not been corrected.

Original poster
Notyouraveragemum · 28/08/2018 17:46

Thanks for all of your replies, the most urgent matter at the moment is the name change with my daughter starting high school next week and not wanting attention drawn to herself because of the association with surnames (it's likely that she'll be the only child there with that surname). We might be worrying over nothing but she's a shy girl with low self esteem so I don't want any attention being drawn to her because of her idiot dad. I've emailed school to request if she can be "known as" and will see what they say. I think the rest I will seek legal advice, but I was in a panic and won't have chance to see a solicitor until the kids are back at school so thought I'd ask here. Thanks again

OP posts:
NaomiNagata · 28/08/2018 19:38

@Collaborate

On the Scottish government website it states "a court CAN remove PR from a birth mother. It WILL remove them in the case of adoption".

So, in Scotland it appears that a court can remove parental rights. And I did say that I'm in Scotland and things might be different elsewhere.

And OP will need to see a solicitor anyway regarding the house sale and what she wants to do there. So she wouldn't be trotting off to a solicitor because of me.

You are just very rude, unpleasant person.

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