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Original poster

Access to SW records

40 replies

Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 02:04

Basically, I was removed from my mother as a baby, eventually placed with other family. This all happened before I can remember. Still had contact with mother. I was almost put up for adoption outside the family, apparently it was spoken about.

My whole life I've only ever heard bits and pieces and verbal remembered details from back then, from family. I'd rather like to see the records that were kept about me by social services, so I can understand what happened better. How do I go about this? I want to know everytning, not just what I know now. I want to see what they wrote about my mother, my attachment, the rest of my family.

Is this possible? How do I go about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 09:36

Ok I've had a look online and apparently any info that isn't about me will be blanked out Angry is it even worth it then

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prh47bridge · 17/07/2018 10:13

They cannot show you what they wrote about your mother. That is her personal information so sharing it with you would be a breach of data protection legislation. Similarly for anything about other members of your family. You are only allowed to see anything they hold that relates to you. Only you can judge whether or not it is worth it. If you want to go ahead all you have to do is contact them and ask for a copy of anything they hold about you.

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 10:15

They should legally be able to. It makes me so angry how they can just hide parts of your life like that and blank it out like it doesn't fucking matter.

Thanks anyway

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FilledSoda · 17/07/2018 10:21

I'm in a similar boat Cherry.
When the law changed to allow adoptees access to their birth certificate plenty of adoptees also saw reports detailing why the adoption order happened.
Have you got your cert?
I keep meaning to look into this myself but I know it isn't as cut and dried as only being allowed data that pertains to just you.
Hopefully someone on here will be more knowledgeable

OurMiracle1106 · 17/07/2018 10:49

They should have a reason for their involvement concerns etc so you may not know information about your Mum but the circumstances around why they was involved etc.

Anything relating to you- so child presented with dirty clothes/hungry etc.

prh47bridge · 17/07/2018 10:57

They should legally be able to

Why should you be able to see your mother's personal information? She is entitled to her privacy. It may contain things she doesn't want you to know. If she is still alive she can request the information tney hold about her and share it with you if she wants. But you are not entitled to see other people's personal information. No-one is saying it doesn't matter but people's privacy matters too.

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:02

Why should you be able to see your mother's personal information? She is entitled to her privacy. It may contain things she doesn't want you to know. If she is still alive she can request the information tney hold about her and share it with you if she wants. But you are not entitled to see other people's personal information. No-one is saying it doesn't matter but people's privacy matters too.

Not hers. Cos she fucked my life up, I wanna know why she couldn't be a decent mother. I want to know the isn't and outs. I'm NC with her.

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:03

They should have a reason for their involvement concerns etc so you may not know information about your Mum but the circumstances around why they was involved etc.

Anything relating to you- so child presented with dirty clothes/hungry etc.

Yeah, I guess that's what I meant. Would have been nice to hear what she had to say about my grandparents too, but guess that won't be in there.

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Mayhemmumma · 17/07/2018 11:04

Writer your LA and request your files. Yes a lot of info might be removed but generally speaking the minutes from meetings relating to you will have sufficient detail for you to understand the concerns also ask if there were any court documents? How long ago was this?

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:07

Late 90s/Early 00s

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:07

LA was Swale at the time, I've tried searching for them but cannot find a direct website

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:08
Confused
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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:08

Just found it, I swear it's never come up on Google search before Hmm

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OurMiracle1106 · 17/07/2018 11:09

cherry as harsh as this will sound I’m a birth Mum and the reason I couldn’t be a decent mother isn’t actually even known to social services. They will have their own version of events and some assumptions.

I couldn’t be a decent mother because I had suffered YEARS of abuse- at the hands of an older sibling, at the hands of my now ex husband and at the hands of the person who hurt my child, I suffere PTSD from the trauma that was inflicted on me that night but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to A- share with strangers or B- anyone else to share on my behalf. That is my information not his. He knows mummy couldn’t protect him due to being abused he doesn’t need the nasty details

The cold reality is you may never really know why your Mum couldn’t be a parent to you.

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:17

My mum was in an abusive relationship with step-dad. I blame her aswell as him. She chose him over me. Again and again. She was told if she left for good then she could have me back apparently (nan said), but apparently I wasn't enough for her. He tried to kill her at one point, now I wish he had succeeded.

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Almostthere15 · 17/07/2018 11:17

Cherry they will probably suggest you when a meeting to go through the files. There will be information relating to your birth mum and the ability she had to parent you, but some things will be redacted. It's a good idea to have someone with you to help you make sense of things.

I'm sure you realise this but it's a difficult process and it will be bring up lots of feelings that will have an impact on you. For that reason ss may suggest you have some counselling and I think that would be a good idea.

I hope this helps you reach some resolution. It's understandable that you're angry and sad and all things in between.

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:20

She "wanted me back", clearly not fucking enough.

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OurMiracle1106 · 17/07/2018 11:22

cherry it’s really not as simple as that. I left my abusive ex who also stabbed me and who broke bones whilst I was unconscious. I left FOR my son but ended up in a relationship which was healthy (or so I thought) up until the night we were both harmed. He was worse than my ex.

Also unless you have been in that situation you honestly don’t know how hard it is. My ex convinced me my son would be taken if I was to leave him as I had PND so I stayed for so long for that reason. In the end I knew if I stayed much longer he would kill me in front of our young child and I decided a life away from me but with me alive was better than watching daddy kill mummy for him.

It’s very difficult to understand a woman’s mind set and abuse is complex.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but please get some counselling to help you process this.

Flowers
Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:23

Women like her shouldn't have kids in the first place. Look at all the damage they cause. I've had anorexia, self-hating, drug-use, time in psychiatric hospital, have diagnosed Borderline Personality. All she ever wanted to do was play the victim card - couldn't admit what a shit mum she was to me , couldn't understand why I hated her so much. She ruined my life with her weakness.

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:24

cherry it’s really not as simple as that. I left my abusive ex who also stabbed me and who broke bones whilst I was unconscious. I left FOR my son but ended up in a relationship which was healthy (or so I thought) up until the night we were both harmed. He was worse than my ex.

I'd rather she died trying to leave and get me back, then stay alive and abandon me, personally. A dead mother who loved you enough to make the sacrifice is worth more to me than what she did. Now I don't have a mother anyway so what good did it do.

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:24

All she did by staying with her abuser is cement my hatred for her.

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OurMiracle1106 · 17/07/2018 11:27

I think it often dates back to before your Mum. Have you looked at her upbringing if she like me was abused from a young age this then becomes the “normal” and what we base relationships on. It takes a hell of a lot to get out of that circle.

Losing my child meant I got the help counselling and support I so desperately needed and Had begged for whilst diagnosed with PND but no one listened to me. My ex was lovely as far as they were concerned.

It’s hard I know, but to truly understand why your mum couldn’t parent you will need to hear her side of the story and social services records won’t give you that.

Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:28

If she had died back when I still loved her and thought she cared enough, I would have good memories of a mum who loved me. Instead, she made the wrong choice and I'm left with the feelings of a mum who never loved me enough.

Then when I finally tell her how I really feel about her - she blocks me. Can't handle it.

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Original poster
Cherrygardenst · 17/07/2018 11:34

I've had therapy since I was 11. Including family therapy with her and my grandparents. But the damage was done to me in early childhood, some of it I can't remember, some of it I can.

And she lies about things I remember. I remember her boyfriend shooting an air rifle bullet into the sofa, when he was threatening to shoot her in front of me. She says he never fired it. Lies. I found the pellet in the hole it made in the sofa.

According to my grandma, we were all playing Pop-Up pirate at one point like buckaroo, and when it scares me I screamed and ran to my gran for comfort. My mum was very upset and angry, said I should be going to her. Well, I already knew at such a young age that she wouldn't keep me safe. She deserves to feel that hurt.

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OurMiracle1106 · 17/07/2018 11:34

It’s very hard to hear how much damage you’ve done to a child. I left and ended up in a horrid situation. I failed my child- I admit that. I didn’t protect him like he needed or myself.

I hope one day he will see that it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, it was because I was so badly damaged I wasn’t able to protect myself and because some people are bad.

Unless you know your mums side you can’t say she chose not to leave- did she have somewhere safe to go to? Had she been convinced he would kill her if she ever tried to leave- or even worse harm you?

I know you’re angry and that’s your right to be so. But please get some real life support to help you.