Separating from partner and sending child to live with grandparents

[ChildFreeWeek]

I'm separating from my partner and have sent my daughter (2)to live my parents (150 miles away). He agreed to this before we decided to separate (financial problems and this was a solution to downsize and rent somewhere cheaper I order to pay off debts/save for a deposit). But when it it came to doing it he was trying to put it off so i took her without his agreement.

Our situation was that I worked mon-Fri during the day. He would look after her and then go to work during the night. It got to the stage where he wasnt sleeping during the evening before his shift, so no proper sleep during the week , instead dozing during the day when he was supposed to be taking care of our daughter. He wasn't willing to pay for childcare and I could't afford it as I was covering all household expense and need to get money together for a deposit for a new place. So DD was staying home during the day and basically entertained herself on the tablet. He would feed her etc, but it was a case of peanut sandwiches, brad and eggs, porridge most of the time. He was too tired to take her to swimming lessons. But he would drive the car during the day which is dangerous cosidering he had little to no sleep. This is the background to our situation. Now we are separating, he said he would take her to live with him and that he would get someone to look atfter her overnight. I know he wouldn't be using a registered childcare provider and would still not be able to after properly during the day. He does have parental responsibility.

I think it is in my daughters best interest to stay with her grandparents until my situation improves financially and the is more stable. This is a short term, for about a year. She will be living in a house with garden, attending nursery for a couple of days a week and have a chance to make friends, have a routine, decent meals, grandparents who will give her attention, see other family members regularly etc. At the moment she doesn't really get much interaction with other children than at a couple of sports clubs and when she is at the park.

I want to give my parents some sort of legal rights to act as her carers, so that my partner cannot take her and I'm not sure what the best way to proceed is. I'm looking at getting a solicitor, but have little money to spare at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated.

You're looking at this back to front.

It's not that you can't afford childcare, you can't afford to work.

You will permanently damage your relationship with your daughter by sending her away.

Two year olds don't need constantly planned activities and outings though. I don't attend any rhyme times/baby groups/soft play shit with my daughters. I sit and play with them in the house or garden and go to the park or a relative's house. You seem to have a crazy view of a schedule for your toddler when in reality all she needs is loving parents. She has a lifetime of scheduled days ahead of her when she starts school. I would definitely reconsider a job that requires you to work 18 hours a day for £38k. It's a false economy.

Leaving children and coming to work in a different country is usually a joint decision between the married parents in the face of extreme poverty.

In the ops case it is not being able to "afford" childcare on £38000 per year plus stbex's salary.

I suggest OP that you do look around for another career if you are not able to have regular hours. If you are expected to work till midnight then your salary becomes a pittance

There are jobs out there that pay much better for less hassle. Even shelf stacking pro rata would probably pay more.

Whilst your DD might be enjoying herself at her GPS and have a full schedule it is going to be coming to an end sooner rather than later if her father decides in order to stay here he needs to have your DD with him.

There is nothing stopping him just going and getting her.

You are playing a very dangerous game with your DDS life and all you seem to be worried about is money.

Thank you for all your comments, it's been very helpful.

Going on past behaviour with ex, he is lazy and doesn't follow things through. When we first got together he was taking legal action against his previous landlord who sold the flat he was renting whilst ex was living there. Ex had come home and the locks were changed and he couldn't accesss his cash and possessions (including a laptop with the only photos he had of his late father). He needed legal aid and had to fill in forms re a change in his circumstances and I had to fill out forms too. I filled out my my forms and he couldn't be bothered to fill out his. He then dropped pursuing it as he said he didn't have the money for an expert witness. He would have done if he got on with the legal aid sorted in time.

He hasn't bothered to go back to Egypt four years and not seen his son in nearly seven years. However now he is erratic and unpredictable. I don't think he wants to go back to Egypt, but if he was forced to leave he may try and take our daughter. I now see the fabrication in all what he says, so now not sure of what is actually true. One missed call is him constantly trying to get in touch. He had been offered two jobs and he has enough money to rent a flat and pay the up front costs for doing so. He wouldn't show me the offer letter for a couple of days when asked, then he fowarded me an email (sent the same day) which had the details of a second interview and trial shift. This is not a firm offer in the bag, which he led me to believe. In the end he was offered that job and he took it (I saw the contract). After starting that job he received the offer from the second job, so said the first job was too much hard work and decided to hand in his notice and take the second job. Whether he sticks with this only time will tell, but he took a very similar job 9 months ago (also permanent) . We got childcare arranged, and paid for this upfront out of the cash that had been put aside. After three weeks he decided he didn't like it and didn't go back as he still didn't have a contract no notice required. But we had to give one months notice to the childminder.

I'm in a furnished flat. The only furniture that I have is a battered ikea chair and stool, shelf and cupboard unit, tumble dryer and 30yr old single chair bed wich are going to my sister. The rest are some wall mounted bookcases. The tv and laptop are 10 years old, my phone is 4 years old and the operating system is no longer supported and non compatible with a lot of apps so obselete, the tablet I'm typing from is old and has a very cracked screen. I can't seem to sell my car and will probably need to pay someone to take it away as the last person offered me £20. In hindsight I should have accepted it. I don't own anything of significant value. My clothes are supermarket own brand, shoes are well worn and don't have spares. I think the time spent trying to sell these things is more valuable than the money I could get, if that makes sense.

For now I think I've established where I stand legally and it's not good.

I'm on two months notice and would have to pay back the £3k study costs. So I can't leave immediately. I think I need proper financial advice in terms of what can be done with the debt, because that needs to be taken into consideration, if I could get any financial assistance. I don't think it will so easy to just get a job where my parents are. I think my daughter is in the best place for the time being at least. As I do not have the cash to cover childcare, so would need financial assistance.

Thank you all again. I'm seeking RL advice and trying to get an appointment with CAB and whatever else I can.

I think the issue is with your job.

I don't know what you do or how long you have done it for but given your circumstances I don't think the job is working for you.

I disagree that your DD is in a better place. The best place she needs to be is by your side.

You don't seem to see the dangers of leaving your DD with your parents

What would happen if your stbexh just went up and collected her from your parents. How would you feel if your stbexh decided to get on a plane with her and take her to live with a relative in Egypt.Then came straight back.

Why do you think that wouldn't happen today or tomorrow or the next day.

You seem to have payed out for your ex. Why did you go into debt to pay for his visa. Surely if he came here wanting a visa he would have got the money from somewhere it didn't have to be you to foot the bill.

How much money is stbex paying out for his child.

Surely with a contribution from him you should be able to make things work.

Try this organisation for advice as well

Rights of Women

You're still focusing on your ex. None of the stuff that has passed between you two matters. It's a dead relationship, move on and stop picking at the scab. Your daughter is all that matters. Don't you miss her?

Going to CAB is a great idea. They can tell you what benefits you could get if you left that job- 18 hour days are not worth it for any money and certainly not when you have a toddler.

When my parents split up I was left with my dad because "I'm trying to do the best for you". I never got back the lost time with her and our relationship failed miserably. I'm 54 now and still having counselling for it.

I wouldn't normally say anything horrible but you are being incredibly selfish and your daughter will always feel abandoned by you. I look after my grandson a lot, but I struggle so how will your parents manage? I wouldn't agree to my daughter dumping her child on my full time. Fuck the job, the ex, the flat and concentrate on your daughter, not yourself. She's not a parcel to be dumped when things get rough!

Your ex could go pick up your dd tomorrow. He has parental responsibility and your parents do not, they could not legally stop him.

I know you think he is unlikely to do this, but if he did she would be living with him and you would be trying to get contact, please imagine that.

It would be hard to then argue in court that you would offer her a better home than him when you chose to send her to your parents.

It sounds like he is very angry and frustrated that you took her away without agreeing it and that he perceives his contact is being blocked, that may push him to go and take her back.

I can see two options - go and stay with your parents now either commuting to work, going on sick leave with stress, agreeing an unpaid leave from work or leaving without working your notice, taking out a 3k loan if necessary.
Or bring your dd home either with your parents agreeing to stay and provide childcare whilst you get yourself sorted, or find childcare.

I think this job with long unpredictable hours won't work for you, so I'd focus on juSt staying long enough to not have to pay the 3k back.

I appreciate you are focusing on the long term outcome, but there is no point in sorting out your debt and career if your daughter ends up living with your ex with you paying maintenance, which could happen if you carry on this way.