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Original poster

She's withholding his kids- help!

52 replies

namenamenamenam · 07/06/2018 16:31

I'm a regular poster but name changed in case the person involved is on MN.

I've been with my boyfriend for quite a few weeks now, spent an awful lot of time together, whole days, whole weekends not just odd dates. The current arrangement is that he has his kids 50-50. He's spent time with my kids and when I'm at his for weekends, I spend a lot of time with his kids. They seem genuinely happy with him, affectionate, not at all nervous, he feeds them well, they are cuddly and generally lovely kids. A little boisterous at times, but they're only 3 (DS) and 5 (DD), that's to be expected. They seem to get on really well.

In the past, his EXW has made accusations to social services that he's hurt them, there have been investigations and nothing was ever found- and I've seen the paperwork with my own eyes, he's been incredibly open about it.

Today on the day he's meant to collect them from nursery and school he's had a message from her solicitor so say she's withholding them from him, obviously he went straight to pick up the youngest from nursery and it's real, she's taken the kids.

He can't get hold of his solicitor because he's in court, and he's in bits obviously- there was no warning for this, the letter was delivered today saying that it's happening today so not earlier in the week giving him a chance to speak to the solicitor beforehand.

I just don't know what to do... What happens next? How can I help? He's terrified of losing his kids and thinks it's all about money- which he's never tried to withhold and had actually gone over and above to help her when they first split.

I'm completely lost!

OP posts:
HollyGibney · 07/06/2018 16:36

"Quite a few weeks". How long exactly?

Thesearmsofmine · 07/06/2018 16:37

You’ve been together a few weeks? You do nothing and let him sort this out.

Luckyme2 · 07/06/2018 16:40

I agree best you keep out of it

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/06/2018 16:40

I just don't know what to do.

Hmm

You do absolutely nothing. This has zippo to do with you. This isn’t your family. Back off. You’re being absolutely ridiculous involving yourself like this. He is too btw for involving you. A girlfriend of a few weeks shouldn’t be staying for whole weekends with his children or know their business like this.

XJerseyGirlX · 07/06/2018 16:40

Umm, Stay out of it! You've been together for "Quite a few weeks" lol... nosey new girlfriend. You don't know anything about their past situation so don't pretend to.

Original poster
namenamenamenam · 07/06/2018 16:45

Wow... I just want to be able to support him!

We've been very open with each other about our pasts and I trust him. I've not seen anything of concern with his kids at all- she's saying that they're self harming when they're with her because of him- but I've seen none of this at all.

I just wanted to know what the processes are and how I can support him- that's not getting involved- doesn't he deserve the support of someone who cares about him? We've been making very long term plans together and I'm very happy in his presence, and having him in my house- and I've met some of his lovely friends/neighbours who support him fully on this.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/06/2018 16:49

Yawn

SoddingUnicorns · 07/06/2018 16:50

You’ve got one side of the story, and it would be enough to concern me at the start of a new relationship.

Weeks isn’t long enough to have realistic long term plans, or to be involved with each other’s children. Your first thought here needs to be your own children, and the impact all this shit could have on them.

He needs to get to a solicitor ASAP and talk it through with them.

You need to have a long think about what the future holds if you stay in this relationship and how it will impact on your children.

Original poster
namenamenamenam · 07/06/2018 16:52

He has a solicitor @SoddingUnicorns but he's unavailable this afternoon.

I don't see why people find it hard to believe that he could be telling the truth- especially when he has a network of people around him that support him

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 07/06/2018 16:55

How long is 'weeks' OP? That's fairly early to have introduced him to your children let alone spent periods of time with them. I'm sure you like him a lot but the reality is that it's difficult to really know someone in a matter of weeks.

ForeverBubblegum · 07/06/2018 16:55

A few week's into a relationship, you should back and give him space to get it sported. Your involvement will just make things harder, as introducing you that early will be seen a not providing stability.

More important, until you know what's happened keep your kids away from him. If social services are investigating him (again / still) they'll raise concerns about any child he has regular contact with.

fabulous01 · 07/06/2018 16:55

Stay out of it
I have a friend who went to court and it was nasty as he was abusive to her but she never once said be abused the kids. If that is what she is claiming you need to keep your eyes open and your nose out.

SoddingUnicorns · 07/06/2018 16:55

I don’t find it hard to believe that he could be telling the truth. He very well could be.

What I find hard to believe is that you’re so involved after a matter of weeks, when both of you have children and they’re already involved.

And once he’s spoken to his solicitor he’ll have a better idea of how to approach things.

You need to stay out of that whole process though, at best, your (yours and his) lack of foresight and consideration for either of your children will not go down well in court.

Also, I’d speak to people who know both of them if you can, to get a better picture of what is going on.

CremeBrulee · 07/06/2018 16:56

Anyone who involves a partner of 'quite a few weeks' with their two children under 5 has odd priorities to say the least.

Back off, the welfare of the children is what's important here.

SoddingUnicorns · 07/06/2018 16:57

Oh and SS reports state that there’s no evidence my XH did any of the things he did. They’re right, there was no evidence. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 07/06/2018 16:58

You've been with him a few weeks. You know absolutely nothing about him except what he's told you.
The situation has nothing to do with you, stay out of it.
The fact that he's known you a matter of weeks and you're already attempted to blend and play happy families is a sign of pretty poor judgement on both sides, yours and his.

notapizzaeater · 07/06/2018 17:01

When is his solicitor available ? What does she mean self harming ? Have theirs been any other concerns from nursery / school etc

Original poster
namenamenamenam · 07/06/2018 17:01

I'm really quite sad that people could think we have done anything without fully considering it first. One of the reasons I don't want to specifically mention the actual length of the relationship is because I don't want to give any outing details- same reason I haven't given details of my children. At the moment, the post is identifiable by his EXW and no one else, I'd like to keep it that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
namenamenamenam · 07/06/2018 17:01

Nursery and School are very supportive of him

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 07/06/2018 17:05

Weeks isn’t long enough to know someone properly. That’s not a judgement, it’s a fact.

You’ve jumped headfirst into an absolute shitstorm, taking your kids with you, and posters have quite rightly suggested that’s not the most sensible thing to do.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 07/06/2018 17:07

Maybe his ex wife is having reservations because she's found out that her ex husband has introduced a woman he barely knows to very young children.
As a mother I would have concerns too.

NukaColaGirl · 07/06/2018 17:10

Bravo to ExW for taking a strong stance against this sort fuckwittery.

SavoyCabbage · 07/06/2018 17:13

However long it is exactly I think the best thing you can do for him to make things easier is to end the relationship. He needs to be able to focus his attentions on the situation he is in now.

Working and being in a relationship and sorting all of this out will be a lot to deal with and unfortunately the relationship he has with you is the least pressing if his responsibilities at this time.

Yokatsu · 07/06/2018 17:14

You really know nothing.

At this point you support him by holding his hand and nodding supportively when he talks....

And taking a step back, because it will get messy and that will put a strain on him and everyone around him. Even of he's done nothing wrong the stress my finish off your relationship.

And you keep a very careful eye open. You've seen a small slither, a teeny tiny snapshot of the man you've been making "very long term plans" with. The ex at this point knows him way better than you do.you might be right and he's a great guy. But he could just as easily be a bad egg and you the deluded new girlfriend

fabulous01 · 07/06/2018 17:15

Just a thought
If he spends time with your kids have you had him checked via the Sarah's law?
Or has he had you checked?

Might be worth a thought .....

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