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Original poster

HELP: How to get my child back from father?

45 replies

kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 18:49

This is my first post so I apologise if I am missing any Mumsnet conventions but I am really at a loose end and need some advice.

This is a complex story so settle in:

My daughter is 5yo and I am 23. In Sept 2016 I started attending university in London, leaving my daughter in the part-time care of my mother (she spends the remaining time with the father). I visit home as often as possible (every other weekend and school breaks). The agreed plan was that I as soon as I was settled in London, my daughter would join me - this has admittedly taken longer than anticipated due to unforeseen circumstances.

I am now ready to move my daughter to London - I am settled, financially secure, in a loving relationship, and have found an excellent flat and school - but the father is resisting and threatening court action for full-time residence because he argues that she is 'settled at home'. This situation is compounded by the fact that during the last 18 months the relationship with my mother has broken down and (unbeknownst to me) she was allowing the father more access than agreed. I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I fear that if the father has full-time residence then I will no longer be able to see her - something that will greatly impact her emotional health and development. I have proposed a very fair plan that would allow him residence for around 1/4 of the time which he has rejected, saying he will take it to court.

I appreciate that I will likely need to see a solicitor but I would struggle to afford one and need some advice with where to start. I am so scared I will lose my child.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 20/03/2018 18:51

Did you post about this a few years ago when you were at the stage of considering doing this?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 20/03/2018 18:54

The problem is, he has had a more significant caring role to DD than you have. He has patented her whilst you have visited her. Surely you can understand why he would be resistant to her being disrupted by moving to another area and to the care of the non resident parent? I wouldn't agree to this either. You would need a specific issue order to enable the move but in my view, this application would be unsuccessful.

Harryrotter · 20/03/2018 18:55

You need to make an urgent application to the courts, google ‘applying for a child arrangement order’, fill in the c100form and send it to your nearest court which deals with family law. There is a a lot of useful information on the cafcass website. If there is no safeguarding risk, you will need to attend mediation.
You can make an application without a solicitor, it costs about £120 for the application.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2018 18:57

What is the father s proposal for.contact with you? Weekdays or every other weekends or ?
He can't deny you contact.
If you have built.a good relationship up to now with your daughter while sharing care with you mother and then e there is no reason for.it to go to.zero or for.the relationship to be damaged by you having set contact.

DairyisClosed · 20/03/2018 18:58

Go to the probono society at your uni for free legal advice

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 18:59

If you can't decide between yourselves then all you can do is follow the steps for taking it to court and a judge will decide. There always still the feeling that they favour mother's, but it's not really the case now. And he has been the main parent for however long you've been away. You're also wanting to move her away.

We can't help you, but think carefully about those points as you may need to defend against them.

Seek legal advice.

Original poster
kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 18:59

To clarify a few points:

  • Both me and the father agree that my mother is an unsuitable long-term carer. This is why we both agreed this would be a short term arrangement.
  • If the father were to get full-time residence, then it is very likely I would see dd less than I do now.
OP posts:
SD1978 · 20/03/2018 19:03

How often is she with her dad, and how far away do you live? How long has this arrangement been in place, and before this started with your Mum and her dad doing most of the care, did he have her for? I understand why you want your daughter with you, but you’re offering him the visitation amount that you chose to do for the purpose of setting up in London. I don’t know many parents who would be happy to then be told I’m settled now, and the child is coming with me. You e indicated the visitation your offering to be significantly less than he has now. I’m not surprised that he is not interested in this. Is your DD settled where she is? I’m assuming you went and stayed at your mums- and now want to move her to a new city, away from the two people most involv d in raising her in the recent term, and in with a man she’s never had much (if anything) to do with? I’m sorry, this sounds a bit selfish. You should probably see a Llawyer ASAP as I’d imagine he will be. I doubt you and your ex will be able to agree to a schedule that you both want.

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 19:04

You need to get legal advice and follow the best course of action. Try mediation, but if neither of you will budge then a judge will decide and it will come down to the best situation for the child so living conditions, time spent in childcare rather than with parents, financial situation, relationship with parents. All of it.

See what legal help you can get tomorrow.

RavenclawRealist · 20/03/2018 19:06

I think you obviously need legal advice but what is his proposed contact for you if he were to get full residency? I think to ask him to go from what sounds a like 50:50ish deal with your mum to a 25:75 is a big change for him is there anyway to make it more fair?

SD1978 · 20/03/2018 19:07

Why would your visitation decrease? If you only see her EOW and holidays, that’s a pretty standard (albeit unfair) arrangements with the non resident parent. I understand that he may have supported his idea initially- but you say he’s been having increased contact over the last 18 months due to your mother- but you haven’t been her primary parent in all that time- they have between them. I’m sure someone is going to end up very hurt in this situation. I really do wish you luck.

Leatherboundanddown · 20/03/2018 19:10

You need legal advice asap. He has an excellent chance of getting residency and you being the non resident parent.

Original poster
kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 19:11

In answer to a few questions -

My visitation would decrease because I have nowhere to stay in my hometown now due to the breakdown in relationship with my mother.

He has made no actual proposal for me to continue seeing my dd - other than saying he wants her "full-time". On the other hand, I have said I am happy to drive to him when he is due to have her.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/03/2018 19:12

I have proposed a very fair plan that would allow him residence for around 1/4 of the time which he has rejected, saying he will take it to court.

In all honesty I don't blame him. Why should he see his DC less than he does now?

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 19:13

I've just re-read and realised that he was seeing her more than arranged and you didn't know about it. That shows how little your involvement has been; if you didn't even know she was seeing her dad so much. To go from a situation were you have no day to day involvement in the parenting to being the resident parent is a big stretch - no wonder he is resisting this.

Would you consider he staying with him for school and you for weekends, then 50/50 during the holidays? It's not what you want, but it will be a hard fight to become resident parent if you've simply been a visitor this while time.

A solicitor will help you and advise you on the best you can hope for etc. Wishing you all the luck!

Bythebeach · 20/03/2018 19:15

How much care is the father doing now? It is a tricky situation because you haven’t been primary cared for the past 18 months at least and moving her will disrupt the bonds she has established whilst you’ve been absent. Are you sure you are putting her needs first?

Original poster
kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 19:20

I'm feeling from the comments that I don't have a chance in hell. Would it just make more sense to give up on my degree and move back?

OP posts:
redcaryellowcar · 20/03/2018 19:20

I think you need to try to see this from your daughters point of view, she (presumably) has a safe and secure pace to live with her father and this is where she is currently. I'm sure she will still want to see you and should do so.
I'm not sure moving her away from where she lives, is at school (I assume she is school age) etc is the best thing for her. It might be the best thing for you, but not her?
I'm a child of divorced parents. They handled their divorce well, but I still resent the too-ing and fro-ing that had to happen to ensure we saw both parents, I liked seeing them both and I still have good relationships with both, but the needing to be ferried about was simply miserable. I must have packed a bag too many times, it still makes me sad.

redcaryellowcar · 20/03/2018 19:21

Sorry only just seen your last message. I don't think you need to give up your degree, but I do think you need to work out what is best for your child. How far away are you from where she lives, could you visit for a whole day every weekend. There has to be a solution.

MaggieTheCat1 · 20/03/2018 19:21

You've seen her every other weekend for 18 months - almost a 3rd of her life, her Dad has had her 50% or more of the time and now you've decided it's all good for you, you want him to just step aside, have his daughter move her to another city and him be happy with whatever contact you offer?

I'm not surprised he's not too happy about that.

Ginger1982 · 20/03/2018 19:22

Whilst on the one hand I admire you for going to uni, on the other you have effectively relinquished your status as resident parent. Why should you come along now and take your daughter away from everything she has known for the last 2 years just because you're her mother? If the father has been seeing your daughter a lot more than you realised then you really haven't been as involved as perhaps you should be. I wouldn't blame him for taking you to court. How far away is London from where she is now? You'd have to work hard to persuade a judge it was in her best interests to be moved now.

FrancisCrawford · 20/03/2018 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greathat · 20/03/2018 19:26

Sorry OP I think the dad is and needs to stay the primary carer. You don't seem to have seen much of her and it would mess her up to just suddenly abandon all that's familiar

RavenclawRealist · 20/03/2018 19:28

What is it you really want?? I think before you up root your daughter you need to be sure! You say you are settled in a relationship is your ideal plan to stay in London or move back when you degree is finished? If you stay on London what are your plans re childcare both while you study and when you work? Vice Versa if you move back without finishing your degree what would you do? where would live work ect? This is your and your daughters life you are planning im no expert but I would expect the court to want all of this decided/planned before they would think of granting you custody! I think maybe taking a step back speaking to your ex about contact ect and then making a decision is wisest

retirednow · 20/03/2018 19:28

You do need to see a solicitor, has she started school,yet and made friends, it's about her welfare and happiness. I can understand why he feels this way, you also have a new partner, why would he give up his daughter so she can come and live with another man, the least I would expect would be 50.50.