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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

HELP: How to get my child back from father?

45 replies

kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 18:49

This is my first post so I apologise if I am missing any Mumsnet conventions but I am really at a loose end and need some advice.

This is a complex story so settle in:

My daughter is 5yo and I am 23. In Sept 2016 I started attending university in London, leaving my daughter in the part-time care of my mother (she spends the remaining time with the father). I visit home as often as possible (every other weekend and school breaks). The agreed plan was that I as soon as I was settled in London, my daughter would join me - this has admittedly taken longer than anticipated due to unforeseen circumstances.

I am now ready to move my daughter to London - I am settled, financially secure, in a loving relationship, and have found an excellent flat and school - but the father is resisting and threatening court action for full-time residence because he argues that she is 'settled at home'. This situation is compounded by the fact that during the last 18 months the relationship with my mother has broken down and (unbeknownst to me) she was allowing the father more access than agreed. I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I fear that if the father has full-time residence then I will no longer be able to see her - something that will greatly impact her emotional health and development. I have proposed a very fair plan that would allow him residence for around 1/4 of the time which he has rejected, saying he will take it to court.

I appreciate that I will likely need to see a solicitor but I would struggle to afford one and need some advice with where to start. I am so scared I will lose my child.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 20/03/2018 19:30

in a loving relationship,

You haven't mentioned anything about how your daughter will fit into this new dynamic, moving house, having to deal with a stranger - to her - with her mum in a relationship...... is he ready to take on a child that he hardly knows? (I presume).

I can imagine her dad doesn't feel like upsetting the status quo for an unknown future....

Avasarala · 20/03/2018 19:32

You do not need to give up your degree. You've made it work so far. Her father wants her to live with him, so she won't be at your mother's and you seem to want that. She could come down to you on weekends and holidays. Maybe your ex would let you stay at his overnight sometimes to see her? Or, take steps to make up with your mum. She raised your child so you didn't have to give up your education.

NorthernLurker · 20/03/2018 19:34

Well you've screwed this right up op. You've removed yourself from your daughters life for a significant time and left her with your mother who you now think is unfit and with her father who naturally wants to continue to parent as he has been. Going home every other weekend didn't really cut it.

You need legal advice asap but you first need to decide what's most important to you. I think you wanted to have your cake and eat it tbh. Not going to happen.

childmindingmumof3 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Could your DD not come to you every other weekend and school holidays?

LizzieMacQueen · 20/03/2018 19:36

I am wondering why your relationship with your mother has broken down. Does she not support you in this?

Alabama3 · 20/03/2018 19:38

i'm no expert, but i think your DD would be better staying where she is rather than being uprooted - are you able to continue seeing her every weekend? If you are doing a degree, you need to be studying mostly

Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 19:38

Can’t her father have her and you visit every other weekend and holidays, you could stay in a B&B or thank your mother for giving up 18 months of her life to care for your daughter because a university closer wasn’t good enough for you and make amends with her.
You can’t basically hand him custody then decide actually you do want to be a mother.

upsideup · 20/03/2018 19:39

Think about it the other way the dad goes off to london to get a degree leaving his daughter with her mum and his mum, comming back to see her every other weekend and holidays and then due to breakdown in relationship with his mum he ends up not bein that involved in his daughters day to day life.
He then suggests because he has a new girlfriend and job his daughter should be taken away from her mum, her school, her home and be moved to london to live with him, only seeing her mum 1/4 of the time.
That just wouldnt happen, its wouldnt be fair on the child or the mum and I really hope it wouldnt be seen any differently in court because hes her father and your the mother.
You can increase your contact with your daughter, maybe even up to 50:50 if you can make that work but what you are suggesting is totally unreasonable.

celesti · 20/03/2018 19:48

I am almost always on the mother's side but in this case, it does sound like your DD might be better off where she is. Your ex can't deny you access.

You chose to remove yourself from her life for a significant period of time. Presumably she has now been at school for 6 months, has made friends and a routine. Would it really be in her best interests to uproot her?

NerrSnerr · 20/03/2018 19:48

I don't understand how you couldn't know that your daughter was spending more time with her dad. Do you not speak to your daughter on the phone in between visit, or discuss what she's done in between your visits?

It sounds like you're not hugely involved if you didn't know where she was staying Day to day.

BlueAnchor · 20/03/2018 19:48

Have you spoken to your uni? Could they help you to find out if you can continue your degree at a uni closer to your daughter. Shared care with her dad would then be possible.

Graphista · 20/03/2018 19:50

Courts operate on what is best for the child. I can't see any court agreeing with giving primary residency to the parent who's been the nrp for the last 18 months/2 years (a very long time for a 5 year old), removing that child from a school, childcare arrangements, friends etc they're happy and familiar with, the parent who HAS been doing the care by the sounds of things...

Hugely disruptive and unsettling for your child.

Would you be doing this if you hadn't fallen out with your mother?

Have you been paying child maintenance to either or both your mother or ex? (Courts don't consider this but I think it matters)

You made a decision not to be the primary carer for your child you, don't get to - later because it suits you - swoop in and upend her world.

Regardless of where you decide to live now.

Original poster

kidshavingkids · 20/03/2018 19:58

Thank you everyone who has commented

OP posts:

Collaborate · 20/03/2018 20:36

OP - I don't think that anyone who's commented is legally qualified (apologies if I didn't spot someone). Don't give up. Take legal advice. Things are a bit up in the air at the moment. If you can't agree things with the father the court will have to intervene.

SD1978 · 20/03/2018 20:53

Please also don’t think I don’t feel for you and your situation. I really do. You are trying to provide a future for yourself and your daughter- I get that. I have no doubt you love her, and it’s a tough situation, and not what you’d initially intended to happen. But you’ve only been involved sporadically- and maybe what you’d initially thought 2 years ago, may not be the best thing now for the daughter you want to be happy xxx

prh47bridge · 20/03/2018 21:40

Agree with Collaborate. Get proper legal advice. Don't rely on advice on the internet.

LoveProsecco · 28/03/2018 08:26

OP this is too important for internet advice you need to get legal advice

viques · 28/03/2018 08:43

You say you are in a settled relationship, and are financially secure. But you are still studying, so is your new partner supporting you, and is your new partner someone you have met in the 18 months you have been studying? If this is the case then I think saying you are in a settled and secure situation, financially and in other ways is a bit naive and previous.

Why should your dds father be happy to lose his daughter , who he has cared for and supported almost single handedly, to a relatively new and financially dependent relationship,

I think your best option would be to finish your degree then look for work closer to where your dad is living and settled. You sound very selfish, your needs seem to come first every time. you chose to study away, you chose to have your mother care for her child (even though she was 'unsuitable' as a long term carer!!) you dismiss your daughters current happiness and stability and her fathers role as her parent and practically sole carer.

I understand that you are very young, but IMO you need to grow up fast and learn that your wishes come second to your daughters well being and emotional security.

viques · 28/03/2018 08:46

Near to DD not dad!

worridmum · 28/03/2018 14:43

Get legal advice asap but from purely what you wrote would indicate you have pretty being the nrp. In England and Wales does not recognise that the mother is more important than the father, what is important is the status quo and what is best for the child / children irrespective of gender.

So while i cannt give any detailed advice be prepared for the possibility of not getting what you want get proper legal advice as its been a couple of years since i have done family law.

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