Ex threatening court action even though I don't deny access

[JoJo2106]

Sorry if this turns out slightly too long but desperate for advice

My baby boy is 4 months old now and I split with his dad when he was about 2 weeks old, I ended it as I was so unhappy and had been for a long time and it was a volatile relationship full of constant arguing. Once my son arrived I knew I didn't want this around him. We were unmarried and never lived together. If anyone is wondering why I had a child with him it was VERY unexpected. I had breast cancer 10 years ago aged 29, had chemo etc. Then developed endometriosis a couple of years later and it was thought I could never get pregnant again (I have a 19 year old daughter) so after 4 years of been together and nothing happening it was a big shock to be pregnant. I coukd NEVER have an abortion so went ahead but decided to end the relationship.

Anyway my ex is now very bitter as we are not the family he thought we were gonna be. He has always seen my son and has him both days on a weekend for a few hours each day and has done since he was tiny. My son has been poorly for almost 2 months, started with a bad cold and cough then developed bronchialitis which have been at a&e around 4 or 5 times over a few weeks and have even had my ex with us a couple of times. Bearing in mind my son is only 4 months old so this has been half of his life he has been ill an there has been certain days I have told my ex my son hasn't been well enough for him to have him that day so the access has maybe been a bit erratic past few weeks. There has been lots of nastiness an arguments via text over the last few months so things were already hostile. He has now told me he has seen a solicitor an will go to court if need be as he wants official days an times put down, wants overnight stays? also wants him for a week or more in the summer and has said he wants alternate Christmases. Says his solicitor has told him he could take my baby now for overnight stays if he wants even tho he has never spent more than a few hours at a time with him, doesn't know when to change his nappy and often brings him back soaking and has brought him back in pooey nappies at least 4 times. Doesn't know how to settle him when he's screaming his answer is just stick him in the car an take him for a drive. When my baby was days old and we were still together he sat up evety single night drinking while looking after him. He drinks every night it's 1 of the reasons I ended it aswell, he also smokes weed an has done for years. Says he's stopped now an won't do it again but that's cos I have brought up drug tests if going to court. I do not want my baby staying overnight with him when he can't look after him without a can in his hand. I have said I think both days on the weekend is acceptable an it's only cos my sons been ill for so long it's been erratic. I also said he could see him a few hours Xmas eve, a few hours Xmas morning then me have him afternoon an he can have boxing day. Said he will not budge on alternate Christmases. The thing eith my ex is he is one of these know it alls an likes to be right so its very hard to reason with soneone like that.

We have to attend mediation first before any talk of court. It's gonna cost thousands to drag it through court and I am at the moment on benefits. I have a meeting with a solicitor on Friday which is costing £120. It's gonna cripple me. I don't know why he's doing this an can't just be happy with what we were doing. I wouldn't mind overnight stays when my son was much older and could understand more but I do not trust the man with my baby overnight not when he is clueless what to do with him and the fact he drinks while looking after him. He is just totally bitter am feel he's doing this to get back at me in some way.

Just want some advice from anyone who has ever been through the courts for this and what is usual access courts grant to father's in this situation. My son has never left my side apart from when he takes him a few hours and he screams sometimes then probably wanting me. He wouldn't cope a night away from me. Can anyone advise ?

He would never ever get overnights when your baby is unwell, so young AND your ex drinks and smokes weed. It wouldn't happen.

I would just tell him to take me to court. There's no way he'll give up his drink and drug money to do that.

Does he pay maintenance?

Just a bit of advice for when it goes to court, don't refer to him as 'my baby' again. That won't go down well. You don't want it interpreted as you denying this 'father' his right to be a father, so refer to him as such. You need to start referring to him as 'our baby' because that's what he is. He isn't exclusively yours. He is (unfortunately) your ex's baby too.
Fight all the way though. He won't be granted overnight stays. Hope he gets better soon.

He says he has stopped smoking weed now. He didn't do it constantly more like a couple of days over the weekend but the fact is he still did it. I told him courts do hair strand tests an will still show in his system even if hes stopped now. He drinks every night though and did while looking after my newborn baby. He works full time and yes he pays maintenance. I am so ill over this whole thing I don't know why He's doing it. The thousands of pounds it will cost the 2 of us to go to court could be spent on my son. He's obsessed with the whole alternate Christmas thing. Am terrified of what a judge will order. I can't believe a solicitor has told him he could have my son overnight Now if he wanted before knowing any of the facts or my side of the story.

Again,
"My newborn baby"
"My son"
Seriously, I'm not saying this to upset you. I'm saying this to help you get what you want. You won't get the upper hand with language like that. It gives the impression that you are being possessive rather than having your son's best interests at heart. Just get into the habit of using the correct language and you'll be viewed as more cooperative should you go to court in the future- when your LO is old enough for overnight visits. But relax, he won't get overnight stays yet. Sounds like he's just making all this up about seeing a solicitor.

Above poster is right. You refer throughout yo the child as ‘my baby’ ‘my son’ this sounds very controlling it’s ‘your baby’ ‘your son’ and he has a right to a relationship with his father.

Contact and maintenance are completely separate - children aren’t pay per view so separate that.

It won’t cost you thousands of pounds to go to court. See if you can negotiate this between you or try medication first. If that doesn’t work you can represent yourself in court. The father will be given some access.

It's not unreasonable for any father, or parent, to have agreed times and days.
Is he negligent and not able to look after his ds?
Every other Christmas sounds fair. He could build up to overnight stays.
Unless the drugs, and his lack of care - ie not changing nappies, is so bad, you think your son isn't safe?

it takes 2 to make a baby, and the child is not your possession! using controlling language like that is not likely to help your cause. However you sound as if you need some more concrete contact arrangements put in place, either that, or be prepared to prove to the courts that he is unfit to have contact.

Yes I know I don't mean to say 'My' all the time its just habit so I will have to try not do that especially if it goes to court. For the record he uses the term his son all the time aswell. I don't think he's making it up as he says he is seeing them again in 2 weeks to draft a letter telling me what he's entitled to, told me what form he's with so I don't go to same 1 and said we have to do mediation first by law before any talk of court so we need to do that first. I have never denied him any access and he was ok about it a while ago I don't know what's changed. Tbh I don't trust the man to have "our" son overnight cos of his drinking. As I said even when he was just days old he had to sit an drink cans a'll night til early hours to look after him. He's always had a bit of a drink problem I have asked him for 4 year to cut down an he just never has. And it's obvious he has literally only just stopped smoking weed now there's talk of drug tests an court. He will just start again once it's all over he's 42 years old and done it since he was 18. Am I been unreasonable saying he can see our son both days on the weekend and the 3 days over the Christmas period. Then most likely overnight stays when he's older and understands. What is so bad about that? He works through the week an not back home til late so he doesn't see him through the week, and if he didbt I woukd most likely say he could take him 1 night then aswell. I just don't see whats so bad.

It eill cost thousands by the end of it it is costing me £120 yo see a solicitor on Friday then after that it's £160 per hour + VAT. Then there is mediation and then all the court costs an more solicitors fees on top. Between the 2 of us it'll be thousands of pounds thar could be put in our sons bank account.

It’s not thousands of pounds. It only costs you substantial amounts if you go through a solicitor and use a barrister. You can easily represent yourself in court and not use those services.

If you can agree between yourself it won’t cost either of you.

this is useful!

www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

Can't get legal aid it's all changed now. The person i spoke to at the solicitors said even though there has been domestic abuse in the past it would have had to have been logged with the police which it wasnt. All I have is 2 or 3 photos of a black eye I had but there's no proof he gave me it. So unfortunately it's not an option for me.

As others have said it is not "my" baby!

If you want to avoid the expense of court you need to spend some time reflecting and looking at it from ex partners point of view. Then approach mediation with this is mind.

You say that YOU broke the relationship off when baby was two weeks old, how do you think that feels to ex partner when he was mentally geared up to being a fulltime Dad of a newborn?

Is this ExP first child/ experience of parenting a newborn? Were you a perfect mother to your daughters every need 19 years ago, or did you have to spend time learning, with a bit of trial and error on the way? If he is only getting a few hours at a time it must be pretty hard on exP to pick up cues and learn routines.

Your son will be over 12 months old the next time it is Christmas, surely it is not unreasonable for him to want alternate Christmases from that point on.

I can understand that you don't feel ready to have your son away overnight yet, so be mature in you mediation session and suggest a time frame when you think this might be appropriate.

The weed smoking is not ideal, but if it is only occasional and he is stopping/ reducing it, you can not assume it will automatically make your exP a bad father, so stop trying to use it as blackmail against him.

The alcohol is more of a concern for me. This needs discussing in a mature calm way at mediation.

You need to approach mediation with a calm and open mind for it to be effective. Then all three of you will get a positive solution out of it.

I feel for you OP. You should have every right to leave an violent substance abuser and not have to bend over backwards to facilitate his rights.
Even as a young first time mum, I noticed when my baby had a wet nappy and needed changing - it's pathetic that he can't manage this when every other halfway competent adult could do so.
The baby is 4 months old, of course you shouldn't hand him over to your ex when he is ill, if you are not comfortable with that and tbink he will not care for your baby properly.
I'd let him take me to court and I'd be raising his drinking and asking for drug test to prove he isn't using.

Yes I ended it 2 weeks after our son was born but I had wanted an tried to end it a couple of times through the pregnancy too but he always talked me round. He knew I wasn't happy at all. Yes the alcohol concerns me too and who in their right mind would want to hand their child over for overnight stays with the worry of that? Would you? Yes we will have to see how mediation goes I suppose. But as I said he is one of these know it all always right kind of person so not sure how successful it will be. Surely if my ex tested positive for drugs a judge is like my to restrict access not increase it? And as I have said I have never ever stopped him seeing him only when he's been poorly there's been the odd time I said it's best to leave it for that day. That was in our sons best interest at that time.

Yes I will definitely be bringing up the drink an drugs, he also takes our son to his friends house and he smokes weed too and they are foster parents so this is going to turn very messy. I am already starting to get ill over the stress of this and I haven't even seen a solicitor yet.

Are you sure he's actually been to see a solicitor? Let him know his addictions and lifestyle will come under scrutiny.

Yes I ended it 2 weeks after our son was born but I had wanted an tried to end it a couple of times through the pregnancy too but he always talked me round. He knew I wasn't happy at all.

But that is about you not the child, you need to stop making this about you.

Yes the alcohol concerns me too and who in their right mind would want to hand their child over for overnight stays with the worry of that? Would you?

No, but it is NOT about what YOU want or don't want. This is about finding a fair way for your child to be parented.

Yes we will have to see how mediation goes I suppose.

You are coming across as very negative about the mediation process, this will not help you come over well. Look at it as a positive process for your sons future, be glad he has a Dad who is interested in him and find a solution that works for both of you.

Surely if my ex tested positive for drugs a judge is like my to restrict access not increase it?

Is this about risk to your son or about getting what you want? Be honest?

And as I have said I have never ever stopped him seeing him only when he's been poorly there's been the odd time I said it's best to leave it for that day. That was in our sons best interest at that time.

Well you need to discuss this at the mediation...ie how you will approach illness in the future, in such a way as it can't be seen as you using it to control contact.

Yes I will definitely be bringing up the drink an drugs, he also takes our son to his friends house and he smokes weed too and they are foster parents so this is going to turn very messy.

Don't be vindictive and drag other people into this, it will not help your case or your son.

He says he has. Told me what firm he's with etc so I don't go to same one an said he has another appointment in 2 weeks so the can draft a letter telling me what he's entitled to. All he talks about constantly ate his rights and wgat he's entitled to. He's not thinking about what might be best for out son at this young age. He is never away from me ever apart from when my ex takes him a few hours. He searches for me constantly and cries an screams if am not in his eyeline. So how the hell can his solicitor say he coukd take him NOW overnight if he wanted. How is that in the child's best interest? It's funny because my mum said the same thing about has he actually been to a solicitor. He has made it clear he would rather not go to court said he would ratger sort it out in mediation bit I am not been pushed into things neither me or DS is not ready for Yet. So I will fight it if I have to. I have been controlled an bullied for 4 years well no more!

For a start I would contact SS about the foster parents smoking weed - so long as you are totally 100% sure. Then you can raise it in court that he has been taking the baby to places where it is not safe. No way would my baby be going there.
People who are trying to stop smoking weed, do not continue going to places where they will be tempted, so I think it is bs that he has given up.

It's not being vindictive to contact SS about this - they are foster parents. But you d9 have to be certain.
A solicitor will write anything you pay them to say, so long as it is not beyond all remote possibility legally speaking. It doesn't make it true. You should see the shit my friend's exh had a solicitor write to her. It doesn't mean jack shit - thr only stuff that counts is what the court decides.

I would go to mediation and I would genuinely see it as an opportunity to get a good outcome, but I would not allow mediation to force me into accepting what was not good for my child (ie being handed over while ill and wanting his primary caregiver, being taken to houses where people take drugs). I eould want mediation to prove he is a competent parent. He could start by making sure the baby gets nappy changes when needed so you are reassured that he can meet basic needs.

It won't cost either of you thousands to get a child arrangement order in court. Unless as pp have said ? You use a solicitor. Most people represent themselves.
All he has to do is fill out a form and pay the court fee to get the case to court. It only costs about £500.
A cafcass worker will speak with both of you and hear both sides and both of your wants and preferences.
They will make a recommendation to the judge and an order will be made.
Most separated / divorced parents go down this route if they can't agree. It's very common.
A fixed arrangement is best for all in the long run. It could be that overnights are not given straight away, but that it's set up so contact builds over time. A week in the summer and every other Xmas is fairly standard though op so you may not get much say in this.

To be honest unless you have good evidence that your ex is a risk to your child then some regular access will granted.

Is a week in the summer and alternate Christmases usually granted when a baby is still so young though? I thought it would be more when they are older? Thing is though he does get regular access he sees him twice a week, he can't do midweek cos he works and doesn't get home until late. I think the worst bit about it is the fact he just hasn't had the patience to let DS get better from his illness and has just taken it as I have been stopping him seeing him when all I have done is put ds's needs first. Does he not think I have wanted a break of course i have but he was too ill to go anywhere. I have kept him comfortable at home and he only wants me anyways he is with me 24/7. He's the kind of person that even if our son was screaming his head off cos he maybe wanted me he wouldn't bring him back as thar woukd mean admitting defeat that's what he's like. All he ever talks about are his "rights" and what he's "entitled" to. Doesn't matter if DS has been ill it's just cos he WANTS to see him an not what's best for the child. It stands out a mile he is a bitter bitter man cos we are not together anymore and nasty things have been said the last few months an now he wants to get back at me.

now he wants to get back at me

It's not all about YOU. In my opinion you are coming across quite badly here, and that won't help you in court or with a mediator, they are professionals trained to see through this.

I can totally see your point of view on "a week in summer" at the moment as he will still be less than 1 this summer, and I think you would be reasonable to argue this. Being stubborn about Christmas, however, makes it sound like you are just trying to get what YOU want. There is no reason that in 12 months time your exP shouldn't be able to spend the full day at Christmas with his son (assuming he wins the toss of the coin on who gets the first Christmas).

Wrt access times, he can't dictate to suit himself. When kids are older the 'norm' is alternate weekends so that children get quality time with both their parents and not just the hard weekdays where people are juggling work and school. I doubt a court would enforce this for a baby so young and dependant on the primary carer. He is lucky really that you allow him access on both days of the weekend - his inability to do a weekday contact isn't your problem. You could reasonably say that having both weekend days monopolised by him infringes on your own ability to live freely. I would raise all this at mediation and court if it comes to that, so it is formally acknowledged that you are facilitating access and not being deliberately obstructive.

OP I really feel for you and am suprised by the lack of support given to you by previous posters. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through this when you have a baby of only 4 months and your hormones are likely to be all over the place. I know when my child was a baby, she was permanently attached to me as I breastfed for a year and it would have been very difficult to leave her with anyone else. I was slightly obsessed with her too and just loved cuddling her - it really helped us both have a strong bond.

Firstly, your ex sounds like he is trying to intimidate you. He knows you have less money than him and it sounds like he will use his solicitor to bully you, knowing you'll not be able to afford to defend yourself with the same aggressive stance. If he requests mediation, he should pay for it. We paid for the mediation when my DH wanted to increase contact with my SD, despite her wage being close to our combined income.

Cafcass will almost certainly be involved. Work on building a coherent argument as to why you feel current contact is sufficient. He is a drug taker and you could actually suggest supervised contact as he is not an appropriate adult to be alone with a child. Have you got evidence of doctor's appointments and A&E visits for your child? If your baby has been genuinely ill and you have proof of this, you have done the right thing in cancelling contact. However, perhaps your ex could have visited your son at your home as a compromise during these periods of illness.

I also think your baby is far too young for overnight visits away from you. With cafcass, explain you will be willing to consider overnight stays and extended holiday contact when your child is older, but not at the moment when he is so reliant on you. I think cafcass will certainly think this reasonable. I know with my SD, they certainly took her mum's view into account in regards to this, and now I'm a mum myself, I actually agree waiting until she was older was the right thing.

If your ex insists on going to court, you can represent yourself at no cost. He will have to pay the court as he has requested it, but you wouldn't have to. Maintain your stance - your baby HAS reasonable contact with his dad already, but you are open to reviewing and increasing contact once he is older. This shows you are considering the bigger picture long term.

Try not to resort to tit for tat behaviour either (e.g threatening hair strand tests etc) as this will lead to bitterness and a really volatile and ineffective co-parenting relationship.

Good luck.