Ex threatening court action even though I don't deny access

[JoJo2106]

Sorry if this turns out slightly too long but desperate for advice

My baby boy is 4 months old now and I split with his dad when he was about 2 weeks old, I ended it as I was so unhappy and had been for a long time and it was a volatile relationship full of constant arguing. Once my son arrived I knew I didn't want this around him. We were unmarried and never lived together. If anyone is wondering why I had a child with him it was VERY unexpected. I had breast cancer 10 years ago aged 29, had chemo etc. Then developed endometriosis a couple of years later and it was thought I could never get pregnant again (I have a 19 year old daughter) so after 4 years of been together and nothing happening it was a big shock to be pregnant. I coukd NEVER have an abortion so went ahead but decided to end the relationship.

Anyway my ex is now very bitter as we are not the family he thought we were gonna be. He has always seen my son and has him both days on a weekend for a few hours each day and has done since he was tiny. My son has been poorly for almost 2 months, started with a bad cold and cough then developed bronchialitis which have been at a&e around 4 or 5 times over a few weeks and have even had my ex with us a couple of times. Bearing in mind my son is only 4 months old so this has been half of his life he has been ill an there has been certain days I have told my ex my son hasn't been well enough for him to have him that day so the access has maybe been a bit erratic past few weeks. There has been lots of nastiness an arguments via text over the last few months so things were already hostile. He has now told me he has seen a solicitor an will go to court if need be as he wants official days an times put down, wants overnight stays? also wants him for a week or more in the summer and has said he wants alternate Christmases. Says his solicitor has told him he could take my baby now for overnight stays if he wants even tho he has never spent more than a few hours at a time with him, doesn't know when to change his nappy and often brings him back soaking and has brought him back in pooey nappies at least 4 times. Doesn't know how to settle him when he's screaming his answer is just stick him in the car an take him for a drive. When my baby was days old and we were still together he sat up evety single night drinking while looking after him. He drinks every night it's 1 of the reasons I ended it aswell, he also smokes weed an has done for years. Says he's stopped now an won't do it again but that's cos I have brought up drug tests if going to court. I do not want my baby staying overnight with him when he can't look after him without a can in his hand. I have said I think both days on the weekend is acceptable an it's only cos my sons been ill for so long it's been erratic. I also said he could see him a few hours Xmas eve, a few hours Xmas morning then me have him afternoon an he can have boxing day. Said he will not budge on alternate Christmases. The thing eith my ex is he is one of these know it alls an likes to be right so its very hard to reason with soneone like that.

We have to attend mediation first before any talk of court. It's gonna cost thousands to drag it through court and I am at the moment on benefits. I have a meeting with a solicitor on Friday which is costing £120. It's gonna cripple me. I don't know why he's doing this an can't just be happy with what we were doing. I wouldn't mind overnight stays when my son was much older and could understand more but I do not trust the man with my baby overnight not when he is clueless what to do with him and the fact he drinks while looking after him. He is just totally bitter am feel he's doing this to get back at me in some way.

Just want some advice from anyone who has ever been through the courts for this and what is usual access courts grant to father's in this situation. My son has never left my side apart from when he takes him a few hours and he screams sometimes then probably wanting me. He wouldn't cope a night away from me. Can anyone advise ?

Sorry I have no advice except to the people who are being so vile to the OP !

She has said her ex drinks everyday is a drug addict and has given her a black eye before. Yet you are all saying it's his baby too. Sorry in my opinion he lost that right when he laid his hands on the child's mother !

Op please report your own thread and ask it to be moved to legal where there are adults who actually have legal knowledge not bitter vile people !

Good luck.

Lawyers charge by the letter so some of them would be happy to charge your ex for a letter stating what contact he'd like. Some people will be scared it's from a solicitor and think that what they say is gospel but nothing is set in stone with regards to child custody.
Gather your evidence that contact was cancelled because of illness and that your ex does drugs and drinks excessively.
Have a serious think about how much you think your son should see his father. I think that you would be perfectly reasonable to have a plan where contact is increased until your ex can do longer and more frequent contact. Is he breastfed? That would help ensure no overnights for now.
If money is a problem, I'd self-represent in court. You're happy with your ex having some contact and it sounds like you're going to need a judge to say how much. I would be getting drug testing ordered (but don't warn your ex of this or he'll just quit long enough to show a negative result)
Keep all evidence of your cooperative attitude (maybe refer to him as Name to prevent saying "my son")

Don't fear a solicitor's letter and don't assume that your ex is telling the truth. The letter may be designed to try and scare you into doing as he wants which is abusive.

Thank you to those who have stuck up for me, it's much appreciated

Yes he is most definitely trying to intimidate me and I know this because on the phone he said "what you gonna do put it on your mum's credit card" in such a smug tone of voice. He won't intimidate me cos I will fight if I need to. When it comes to my child I would do anything for him. I know he would prefer not to go to court but at the same time we prob won't agree in mediation as he has already said there's things he won't budge on. How dare he thibk he can just get a solicitor to dictate what contact he can have. It is total bullying. As 1 of you said above I do give him reasonable access already I think both days on a weekend is very reasonable. My daughter gets no quality time with her baby brother as she works full time in a nursery so doesn't get to see him on a weekend. And my ds absolutely adored his big sister. I'm not been unreasonable at all I just expect the overnight stays etc an alternate Christmases etc to be when he's much older and understands more the reason I am not around. How do we know he wouldn't get separation anxiety been away from his mother given that he is with me 24/7 & relies on me completely.

I am not breast feeding No, it wasn't an option unfortunately as I have had breast cancer and operations so couldn't

I was scared at firsr but now I realise that just cos a solicitor writes me a letter that doesn't make it gospel. Every single person that walks through their door will have a different situation so are they all gonna be told they are entitled to the same access without hearing amy facts or the other side of the story.

Unfortunately I have already mentioned drug tests 🙈 I was trying to tell him it's not gonna look good in court. Wish I hadn't now cos I know for a fact he has prob stopped it now cos of this but will go right bsck to it. All his friends do it, they are all overgrown children. They all congregate around one of his mates house who is out of work an smokes it every day and drinks. And they all sit there on a Friday or Saturday night smoking weed an drinking. Couldn't be happier now I am out of that relationship. Obviously a judge woukd only have my say so that he smokes weed and drinks a lot so how do they manage to know you are been honest apart from a drug test? Apparantly a hair strand drug test will show drugs in your system a lot longer than blood or urine tests.

I'm sorry that I brought up breastfeeding which must be a sore topic for you.

At the end of the day I think that you're trying to be reasonable and if he takes you to court then you will hopefully be able to prove that.

I'm sorry to hear that your son has been sick for so much of his short life. Hopefully he'll be healthier in 2018.

You def need to write yourself a constructive list of your concerns.
As it is its OK slagging him off but you HAVE been handing the baby over to him voluntarily for most of its life already. That will go in his favour so you need to be careful in your case.

If he is around drug users, he will start again.
I would agree to mediation on the condition he paid for it. That's fair because he wants it but don't agree to anything there and then. Always say you want to think at home before you commit - that way you csnnot be pressured into acceptong more thsn you have to legally.
My friend got screwed over by mediation, so I'm wary, but you are always entitled to take your time and if it fails snd he wants to take you to court, then let him.

It's really important though that you are calm and measured in court. But you can already prove you are not blocking a relationship by the fsct that you allow him contact already.
Do not agree long term to him having both days of the weekend or you will regret it when school starts or you go back to work.

If it goes to court he will eventually get eow and half holidays when baby is at school.

Whilst baby is still young he will most likely get more contact but for less hours ie 4 hour slots over 2-4 days a week.

Drug taking/abuse won't stand very well as you have allowed regular unsupervised access up till this point.
If you do insist on a drug test at court you will have to pay and even if it's positive this won't mean no contact.

This baby has two parents neither should be left out of his life unless extreme circumstances.

You need to focus on what is best for your son not what you want. The sooner you do the better it will be for your baby.

It's ok don't worry about it. Yes I think I'm been reasonable so hopefully they will see that. I won't be bullied into anything by him.

Yes I know I have been handing him over because he has threatened me with court from day 1. I only let him have him a few hours and would never agree to overnight stays unless I knew for a fact he wasn't drinking or anything else around ds. I have had to give him some access or he'd have me in court saying I just refuse to let him see him at all. He is a bully

He might get those things but as it stands he can't see the baby in the week because of work. How would he manage half the holidays when he cannot even see the baby on a weekday?
He needs to be careful too because at thr moment the OP is fitting in with what suits him in terms of contact. She doesn't have to.

What actually happens in mediation do they give opinions or get involved or do they just sit there an listen to us 2 speak? I won't be agreeing to anything on the spot no way. And as you say definitely won't agree to long term weekends as when ds starts school etc that is just not fair that ex gets all the fun time. I am fully aware I have handed him over but he just threatened me with court if he didn't see him at all. I don't think he woykd drink etc while he has ds on the afternoon he has him because he had to drive him back to me. But if he had him overnight he definitely would as he drinks every night an even more on a weekend and that is when he would have him overnight. Ds was days old and he was sat up til all hours looking after him while he poured drink down his neck then when he cried he woykd take him out in the car at like 4 or 5 in the morning to quieten him doen rather than try an comfort him. Bearing in mind he will have had a drink aswell earlier. No wonder I ended it so soon after ds was born.

Honestly weird that no one commenting on the fact that the dad can't do basic baby needs. I wold definitely raise the fact that child is returned home soiled nappies etc or offer to show your ex how to do it? I can understand he wants to see kiddy but I wouldn't let anyone who couldn't cover basic care of dd look after her.
Let him threaten court, if you do mediation first successfully you will be saving a lot of hassle and maybe he can get help to become a better dad

Are u ff? A bit too small for overnights just yet. Can always build up to it in a few months especially if been so sick.

Yes that's right he can't have him midweek cos of work so I give him both days on a weekend. How can I be any fairer than that? I just think ds is too young an too reliant on me for overnight stays. I would rather he is much older and understands where mummy is I can't stand the thought of him looking around for me like he does now an me not been there

I am not denying him access I don't get why I am getting such negative comments, I just would prefer ds to be a lot older and know for a fact he isn't gonna drink and is off weed.

If you attend mediation then hopefully he’ll realise that the access he already has is fair for a child so small. Wanting time in the summer holidays makes no sense when your child isn’t even in school yet.

Tell him to only contact you regarding essential things for your son - times and days of contact, medical info etc. Insist on it all being via email or text to avoid any “he said, she said” if it gets to court.

FWIW I’ve been there, done the year and half of court (my ex went for full residence) and my ex came out with 2 hours supervised access a week. He was only given this due to serious safeguarding concerns put forward by his own GP and SS, prior to this we were looking at Saturday 10-4.

Just be calm, repeat that you’re not denying access, that you’re trying to encourage a close relationship between your ex and son but that due to both lifestyle concerns and the age of your child you feel that a few hours on a Saturday and Sunday is all that can be offered at the minute.

At my friends mediation they went through a list of their issues and tried to negotiate compromises. The trouble for my friend is that her ex is publicly quite charming and my friend is very emotional and angry about the way he screwed her over. That didn't help her in mediation because he came across as mr reasonable and my friend got manoeuvered into accepting things she maybe shouldn't. She says she has bern ground down by years of bullying.

Daisys advice is the best - definitely. Seems for the best if you were concerned about him being able to change a nappy etc.

Just something for you to consider while you're highlighting his drug and drink use - his argument can be that he successfully holds down a full time job and therefore it's not the issue that you are stating it is.

Also baby being ill - dad will have to deal with this as you can't have him coming home everytime he's ill - don't let him have the opportunity to be a Disney parent.

He maybe holds a down a full time job but it is on a night he mainly does it and that is what he is asking for overnight stays. Am I just to sit at home while he pours drink doen his neck while looking after ds. And wgat if he drinks just that bit too much an ds wakes through the night and he's too out of it to hear him. It is definitely an issue if he drinks in charge of a baby which he done every day he was at my house until I threw him out. Also taking him out in the car early hours of the morning when he was days old when he had been drinking the same night. If a judge or mediator thinks that's not an issue there's something sadly wrong

You need to be prepared for any defence that he may provide so the advice earlier to look at things from your ex's point of view will help you with this. You may find it helpful to write down his issues in one column with your responses in another and then on another page your issues with his potential responses in the other column to help you make objective arguments. Frustratingly you need to take out the emotion out of it.

I will try this thank you. Yes it's very frustrating as I am full of emotion at this moment in time.

My ex took me to court for 50/50 residence when my son was 8m old. He hasn't seen him since then and my son is now 2.

He has to complete a parenting/domestic violence perpetrators programme and then he is looking at supervised contact in a contact centre if the judge orders it.

Also taking him out in the car early hours of the morning when he was days old when he had been drinking the same night. If a judge or mediator thinks that's not an issue there's something sadly wrong

This is awful, and why I am much more concerned about the alcohol than the weed, it's just frustrating that the (in my opinion) less harmful weed is illegal and the alcohol is legal.

But did you report this to the police at the time?

I would expect that any judge, mediator or reasonable human being would be horrified by a drunk driver with a newborn baby in the car, but if there is no evidence of it happening then it would be unlikely that they could take it into consideration. Same with the domestic violence, cannabis smoking (if the drugs test comes back clear) etc. and unfortunately if you are not careful you run the risk of coming across as a manipulative/ vindictive ex, and your exP will certainly try to make it look that way.

This is why you need to sit down and think about what you will and won't say in the mediation/ court, rather than what you would like to say.

No I didn't report it because I didn't know. I had went to bed for a few hours sleep as i was exhausted and he had stayed up with ds. It was only when I got up he told me and I was fuming. He was staying with me at that time. I have no proof other than a text message he sent me when he was out at his mates and I think I had said ds was screaming and he said if he doesn't settle take him for a spin in the car an that he didbt murmur when he done it. This was 11pm at nighy he sent this text. That's all I got. My daughter lives with me though and she knew he was drinking every nighy as she used to comment about all the empty cans the next day so did my mum when she came round. I know it is awful I am so glad I ended the relationship. I honestly woukd be happy right now if this wasn't happening

Yes I am gonna have to write down what I need to say as there will be too much to remember.

JoJo2106 I think you have been given a lot of very unrealistic advice and would urge you to post this on the legal topic where a lot of very experienced family lawyers can give you a realistic opinion on what you should expect.
From experience, unless their is serious, substantiated welfare concerns regarding your child's fathers ability to be a competent parent then the court will look for the best way for your child to have quality time with both parents.
If you do have welfare concerns then you need to bring these up at court. If drink is the problem then Liver function tests will be ordered to see if he is abusing alcohol . If weed is the problem then a urine test will be required. Other drugs require a strand test.
You will be asked to return to court for the results . Based on the results an order for unsupervised contact will be made. If tests do not show abuse of alcohol or drugs. If the judge is concerned by the results then supervised contact will be advised.
The family court do look for a way for the child to have both parents in their life. If at all possible.

In my experience, with such a small child and presuming that by the time tests are ordered he is clean - then the Judge will want short, frequent visits with plenty of those times being on their own in order for the father to learn some basic parenting skills away from you. (After all, we all had to learn somewhere) . Do go over to legal though - they are really helpful.

Btw. It doesn't cost thousands . He is taking you to court so no fee. He has to pay the £212. Application fee.You have to share the cost of mediation. Very few parents have Solicitors or barristers these days as limited legal aid. Just go to court. Let the judge here your concerns , in the spirit of protecting your child's best interest. Don't keep saying 'my child' and you will be fine and get the best outcome for your DS .