Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Change of residence

45 replies

Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 17:09

My partner has a 1 year old son with his ex girlfriend.
Currently a child arrangement order is in place saying the child lives with mum and has contact with dad.
His ex suffers with mental health, is under a care plan with social services and has a chaotic, unstable home life.
A few days ago she attempted suicide for the 4th time and was taken to hospital.
Following this, upsetting details have emerged from social services about her life at home where she lives with his son that we weren't aware of previously and has led us to seek legal advice about an emergency change of residence to have the child live with us.
Mum would be very much opposed to this. We know as she has sent recent texts saying if we take the child it will be the end of her etc.
She doesn't seem to realise that we aren't doing this to hurt her or doing it lightly. It is a consequence of her choices and actions that we are desperately worried for the child's safety and believe that the child would be better off living with us in our stable relationship and home, and having contact with his mum.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has been here, applying for residence against the wishes of an ex, was the outcome successful and how long did the process take?

OP posts:
ABadIdea · 24/10/2017 17:15

I have no experience of this but wouldn't SS be pushing for this if the circumstances are as extreme as you say? Could this be a temporary change of residence to support her until she is well and capable enough of looking after the child? I can understand that someone in a fragile state could be pushed too far by the permanent removal of a child from their home.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 17:20

Social services have let the child down so far in my opinion. Information has come to light that we were not aware of that makes us wonder why on earth they haven't removed the child before now.
It feels like disaster is waiting to happen and we don't want my partner's child to be the latest tragedy on the front of the newspaper.
Mum would not agree to a change of residence, she wont even let him
come overnight as we live about 3 hours away and she says she can't live without him even for a night.

OP posts:
DaisysStew · 24/10/2017 17:21

Your ex can apply directly to the court. Not sure of the exact procedure in case like this but the court office will be able to advise him. There's a court fee but he can self represent so doesn't have to fork out for a solicitor if money's an issue.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 17:26

The solicitor said she can issue an emergency application for residence and we have asked her to go ahead.
We've asked her to put together a coherent application for us, we will pay the court fee, then we will take it from there ourselves as we can't afford thousands for legal representation all the way.
Just wondering if anyone else had been in this position and what the outcome was.

OP posts:
Retrovibes · 24/10/2017 19:40

Just make sure you are putting the child’s needs at the forefront. Explain to Mum this doesn’t have to be permanent and that you want her to get better and focus on her health. Can you bring the baby to her once a week? If not then I don’t fancy your chances. I’d advise your partner is clear that he can care for the little one better right now. Do you have the space for the baby?

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 21:02

We would encourage contact.
She'd be welcome to visit any time. She drives, he doesn't, and we live 150 miles away.
Yes we do have space here.

OP posts:
Retrovibes · 24/10/2017 21:12

She might not be able to drive if she is Ill, having a bad day, on new medications though

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 21:18

I know, it's not easy for either of them. If she couldn't drive she'd have to use public transport as he currently does. It's a rotten journey on public transport too - three trains and a bus. The whole journey takes about 6 hours on public transport and that's providing there are no delays!

OP posts:
Collaborate · 24/10/2017 22:09

Remember though it’s not what’s best for the mother. It’s whats best for the child that counts.

Retrovibes · 24/10/2017 22:25

It is best for the baby though to see its Mum regularly, especially as it appears baby hasn’t been seeing Dad often if he can’t travel.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 22:57

Dad currently travels over once a month and stays in a hotel for a couple of days for his contact.
Its a difficult situation but if everything was fine and stable with mum and he knew baby was safe at home between visits he'd leave things as they are.
Applying for residence is a last resort due to safety concerns.

OP posts:
Retrovibes · 24/10/2017 23:16

Once a month isn’t much contact for a baby though

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 23:21

I know. The whole situation is far from ideal.
He would love to see him several times a week. Ideally every day. Purely due to the distance, cost and time needed off work for contact, once a month is the maximum he can manage.

OP posts:
lovecheeseandbiscuits · 24/10/2017 23:29

Would probably make things easier all round if dad moved closer to his young child

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 23:33

Ah yes I know what you're saying but that isn't possible either.
I have a child with my ex and a child arrangement order for her. I cannot move her so far away from her dad as that would create another set of problems!

OP posts:
OliviaPopeRules · 24/10/2017 23:35

Could he not just move and you live apart for o the benefit of his child?

OliviaPopeRules · 24/10/2017 23:37

Did he know before now that his ex had tried to commit suicide 4 times?
That poor baby.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 24/10/2017 23:43

We have a very stable, lovely relationship, we love each other and are getting married. We don't want to split up!
He was aware of one other attempt only. He was very worried that time and considered applying for residence but decided not to as was assured it wouldn't happen again etc. Now it's happened again and more info has since come to light from social services which has left dad wondering how many chances to we give it before it ends in disaster?!

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 24/10/2017 23:45

Where’s the baby whilst mum is in hospital ?

Did your dh move away or mum ?

Retrovibes · 24/10/2017 23:45

He needs to move closer, learn to drive or move half way so it’s not too far from your ex. You’ve not been together long, if baby is only 1. You both need to put your kids first and right now his baby is coming last. A judge is less likely to give you full time residency based on the fact Dad hasn’t been around much.
What about her parents? Can they step in?

HeddaGarbled · 24/10/2017 23:46

They split up either when she was pregnant or when she was coping with a very new baby. Now he has a lovely new stable relationship and home and presumably lots of lovely new sex and romance with you.

She, understandably, is struggling. You've got the man. Don't take her baby aswell.

OliviaPopeRules · 24/10/2017 23:48

You don’t have to split up, surely you could cope with a long distance relationship for a period of time so that he could look after his child and maybe put him first for the first time in his little life. However unstable his mother is she is all that baby has known and for your other half to have seen him 12 times in his first year of life is frankly awful.
Seems like the poor little baby is being let down by everyone.

OliviaPopeRules · 24/10/2017 23:53

Also if you ever have kids prepare for him to treat yours just as awfully as he has treated this poor little boy. My heart just breaks for him. I understand him Mum is not well but to try and take him away from the only parent he has known is not the way to resolve it. Maybe is he had more support from your DP she could cope better

Collaborate · 25/10/2017 07:55

He should issue an application for a residence/child arrangements order. If the LA do apply for a care order they would tell him first.

4 suicide attempts is too much. He needs to intervene to protect his child. Giving the mother more chances is compromising the security of the child for the benefit of the mother.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 25/10/2017 18:31

Just to answer a few people - mum ended the relationship as she was seeing someone else. There was uncertainty over who the father was as she was cheating at the time of conception. A DNA test has since confirmed my partner as the dad.
She didn't want my partner involved at all and he has had to fight for the contact he has. This is why he's only seen him 12 times in a year.
It really isn't feasible for him to move over there. What about a place to live? And his job?
He'd have to leave his job here and our house, which we would still be living in, then we'd have to have the money for him to get another place to live there. He'd have no job.
We just can't afford to do it.
We wouldnt be applying for residence if we knew the baby was safe with mum.
He hasn't treated him awfully at all. He loves him enormously and is worried sick about this.

OP posts: