Changes to child arrangement order

[Runlovingmummy81]

I'm having the most horrendous time with my ex husband. He is a typical emotional abuser and narcissist so will do anything to manipulate the situation to his advantage and make life difficult for me and our 2 ds.

What have had a child arrangement order in place since Oct last year. Over a 2 week period nights are split 8/6 in my favour. This was decided by the courts as the best for the boys during the school week as it was predictable and stable. Holidays to be shared. So one half term each, the third alternates each year. Easter and summer holidays split and Christmas shared. This would be fine except because of how the order is worded as he has daytime care on a Monday it means I can never take them on holiday over a half term week. Whilst he will have 10 days if the weekends fall right.

I have emailed and sent letters asking him if we can. Have a reasonable discussion around this and come to an. Agreement. He says no and is sticking to the order.

The sends me an email booking his summer holiday over 10 days, my week and not in line with the order.

He refuses to discuss and sort out anything in advance. Ignores correspondence and doesn't put the boys first.

Cafcass were Involved as the police has also been contacted due to his behavior.

So my question is what do I do? I've requested mediation which he hasn't responded to.

All I want to. Do. It have my boys for a week over half term same as him and he won't allow it.

Certainly sounds as if the drafting of the order needs a tweak.

You have three options.

1. Suck it up
2. Tell him he can't have his holiday if you don't get yours
3. Take it back to court.

I would go for 3, given all you have said, but I'm a family solicitor, so court isn't as daunting as some people find it.

I have sent him a letter expressing my concerns and how it can be resolved so we both get holidays fairly and no one loses time with the boys. I have said I am happy to try this through mediation and if not through court.

My main concern with going to court is that they will change the 8/6 split as this works.

Do you think there was mistakes made when the initial order was drawn up?

In their notes it also said that the collecting parent would be responsible for that daytime care but the written notes Contridicts this?

Impossible to say as I wasn't there but it sounds like the order isn't achieving what it set out to do, so yes, it was badly drafted.

Do you think they would change just the things I bring up and keep the 8/6 split?

You can't prevent the court going beyond the scope of your application, no.

Okay. So there's a risk then. Although that part of the order set out what it intended to do. The rest doesn't allow it.

Is this something I could do without a solicitor?

Thank you for your help BTW. It's been really bothering me for ages xxx

If you are happy to represent yourself then yes, you can do this without a solicitor.

Were you represented when the order was made?

Yes. I was entitled to legal aid. But I wouldn't be now.

He's booking a holiday on your week and not on line with the order? Yet he refuses to help you out?

Well if he's being stubborn with you then why not do the same and refuse to allow what he dictates!

Do I need to be represented then if I was before?

Would they see him for what he is with his refusal to discuss the matters?

Bump!

No, the fact you were represented last time does not mean you have to be represented this time.

Can't you refuse to allow the DC to go on the holiday because it's not 'his week' unless he 'gives' a little so you can have a holiday with them, too?

I've said I'm not prepared to agree anything outside of the order until we have had a reasonable discussion around the inconsistencies over the half term weeks. I've also said I'm not happy he's taking them for 10 nights as it's too long for them. They are 4 and 6. In true narcissist style he's now ignored the email.

I like mrsbertbibby's clear options and would go for#1.

Suck it up?

Really? I'm with MrsBertBibby and would go for option 3 given that the order appears to be badly drafted.

That's the route I'm considering too. They are 4 and 6, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be able to have the same holiday opportunities as him over the half term weeks. He won't consider it but expects me to do what he wants over the holidays outside of the order?

I like mrsbertbibby's clear options and would go for #1.

As I understand it, the half-terms seem to be the main problem. Presumably you can have longer periods with them in the summer? I am a firm believer in quality over quantity, and since separation and having much-needed 'me times' have become so much more present when I'm with dcs. We have less (quantity) time together, but certainly not quality.

So, here's another perspective and my reason for picking option#1 (suck it up):

I could've written your post - narcissistic ex, 8/6 split in my favor plus a 5 & 6 (nearly 7) year old.

We split our half-terms differently: each week in two so one parent has a long (Fri pick-up till Wed early afternoon) and another (Wed afternoon till Mon drop-off). It also means we don't have the full weeks so don't have long holidays at half-term.

I think the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them and not show them that they're getting to you (assuming they are).

Could you just suck it up and wish them a happy holiday, and perhaps take the opportunity to book one for yourself?

Our summer holidays are split 1wk-1wk, 2wks-2wks and as much as I was worried that the two weeks would be too long without dcs, I decided to reframe my thinking around it - get them (and me) excited about it, and have had a lovely child-free 2 weeks! I should of course, mention that my stbxh will never be with them like I do and has a different parenting style but as awful as he has been, I know dcs are safe with him.

Then, I focus on my child-free time!
In fact, I think I may just stay single forever as I'm now finding my this time sacred and can't imagine ever meeting anyone I'd be willing to share that space with. I can read, have lie-ins, see friends, travel, have Netflix-filled evenings and build my business. I certainly the space to help focus on rebuilding after the financial impact the proceedings have had and continue to have!

My advice would be - take good, good care of yourself. Try to think about their time with dad differently, as long as you know they come to no harm with him. Also bear in mind that our anxiety rubs off on them, so try to celebrate (as hard as it may be) that they're off on holiday with daddy and, see how you can make their time away something for you to forward to too.

Children are incredibly resilient. As hard as these times are for them, we can also help them learn to deal with change, to be grateful and make the best out of what they have, and to learn to adapt not only to different places, but different styles, people etc. It's tough but my hope is that we are raising children that will be even more resilient and adaptable.

It's not easy and I'm thinking of you. You're not alone. This too shall pass....xx

Sorry, I asked about whether you were represented because if so I would suggest seeking clarification from the advocate before other steps.

Some lawyers are total unhelpful arses in such circumstances but I'd certainly give a client of mine a chat on the house, especially if there was a concern that I or the barrister had messed up with the drafting.

CaptainM. Thank you so much for your post. Much of what you said makes absolute sense but I guess the practice of doing it is harder.

I'm not ignoring him. He's not responded to me. I may suggest the splitting of half terms, although I doubt he would go for that either.

I would consider court as there are many years ahead and there seems to be an issue around the Monday.

With your ex you need to stick to the court order. I don't think 10 days is to long at all? Surely each of you had a 2 week stint in the summer holidays - if not you need it or you'll be stuck on one week holidays forevermore!

The boys struggled with the 10 days. It's also the fact hes booked it already over my week without checking.

Yes, it's certainly hard to put in practice. Like you, we're also in our first year. If you do decide to change things, could you wait till after the first year so you have some concrete evidence for why it isn't the best way forward?

My stbxh seemed to be getting satisfaction from having me ask that we build in some flexibility to order e.g. could we swap a pick-up when I wasn't able to, etc. Since I stopped asking and have embraced what we do have, it seems he's suddenly wanting some flexibility.

I believe the back and forth, and opportunities for them to say 'no' feeds their need to control/have power. Things are certainly changing as I just go with the flow...

Hang in there. It really does get better with time. Well, at least, their impact on us does! X