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Original poster

ex taking daughter on holiday when she doesn't want to go

49 replies

12md · 30/07/2017 07:18

Help!! My ex has a holiday planned for our 8 year old daughter in two weeks time. Since he booked it she has been saying she doesn't want to go. I had a mediation session last week with my ex and I told him how she was feeling. Basically he said she had told him she wanted to go and if I did not agree to her going then he would get an emergency court order. I felt pressured in to agreeing. Had my daughter sobbing last night that she does not want to go and asking why she has to. I've tried to reassure her but I'm worried of the mental/emotional impact on her. Me and ex have been separated over two years and she does not have over night stays with him. Do I force her to go on holiday?

OP posts:
Collaborate · 30/07/2017 07:24

Is there a court order?

Why isn't he having overnight stays? He should with an 8 year old, and especially after two years. Normally this shouldn't be an issue. What's gone wrong?

heidiwine · 30/07/2017 07:25

I don't know the legal implications.

You haven't said why she doesn't want to go.

Surely you would not have agreed to a two week break if you had concerns about her safety (or you would have challenged it sooner)?

If that's the case then I think it's your job as her parent to make the run up to this holiday the most positive experience it can be:

  • get her to do one or two overnights with her dad before she goes
  • be breezy and positive 'you're going to have a great time with daddy in ABC I can't wait to hear all about it'
  • work with her dad tell him what she's afraid of and try to agree together what you can all do to help her overcome her fears

That's all. I'm sure someone legal will be along shortly.

SoPassRemarkable · 30/07/2017 07:47

She's probably worried about being homesick and missing you if she hasn't had regular overnights with him. I should think once she's actually on holiday with him she will be fine. But yes, try and get her to have an overnight with him before she goes and make this a more regular thing afterwards if possible.

Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 07:48

Thanks for commenting. The holiday is in two weeks time and it's for 4 nights. She says she will miss me and her little sister aged 2. She did go away with him for 2 nights last year and when she came home said she didn't want to go on holiday with him ever again that she missed us too much. I've tried saying she'll have a great time and being positive. I spoke to her dad initially when she told me she didn't want to go and he said well she has to go. It's his right as her dad to take her on holiday. I have no objection in principle to the holiday it's just that she's so distressed about going :(

OP posts:
Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 07:50

She attempted regular nights with him when we first separated but that fell through after about a month because she was getting so upset leaving me.

OP posts:
chips4teaplease · 30/07/2017 07:50

If she doesn't want to go, do everything you can to support her.
If she doesn't feel she'll be safe or well-cared for with him, then she probably won't be.

headhurtstoomuch · 30/07/2017 07:58

You need to send her. He's her dad! I can imagine it's distressing for her leaving you but when will she ever go then? It's a real shame overnight stays weren't implemented when you first separated as she'd be used to them by now.

Don't stop her from going however distressing for you and she cries. What next - she doesn't want to spend an afternoon at her dads so you don't send her?

Stop hindering the situation - she's 8 not a baby. Don't help her destroy any chance she has of a relationship with her dad.

headhurtstoomuch · 30/07/2017 08:00

@chips4teaplease - or it could be that mum has mollycoddled her enough and given into any slight 'cry' with ok you don't have to go. She obviously knows she can get around mum with her tears.

mamatiger83 · 30/07/2017 08:03

I don't know where you stand legally with this, however, at 8 years old I think it's far more reasonable to listen to what your dd wants to do. I would also be concerned with the effect on her emotional wellbeing being forced to do something she is not comfortable with.
It is a shame she does not enjoy overnight visits with her df but that's the way it is according to the OP and no amount of opinions from anyone will change that.

You know your dd the best and I would always advise to go with what your instincts tell you.

chips4teaplease · 30/07/2017 08:18

By all means 'mollycoddle' your eight year old. That's what you're there for, to love her and protect her from things she's too young to cope with.

Collaborate · 30/07/2017 08:18

Reading your further posts I think you need to look at what you are doing or not doing that make her so upset at being away from you.

Is she actually that upset, or just telling you that because she thinks that's what you want to hear?

WhichJob · 30/07/2017 08:22

My 8yo DD would happily leave me for four days with her DF or any of her friends and we are close. I agree with collaborate, you need to explore ways to reframe the holiday and make it positive. Good luck, but unless there are other issues with her DF, she has to go.

MyCalmX · 30/07/2017 08:27

Perhaps the dd hasn't just coped with the separation of her dp like so many people on MN think happens Hmm

If she doesn't want to be separated overnight from you OP I wouldn't want to send her either. I'm not sure where your ex stands not having regular overnights and then expecting to take her away for 4 nights.

Have often does he see her now?

Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 08:38

No court order. We have just started mediation. He has worked away during the week for 18 of the last 24 months and now he has a local job is saying he wants 50/50 shared parenting. He has told my daughter she is soon going to be living with him part of the time. This has also upset her and is something she has said no to. It is not something I am in agreement with hence we have started the mediation process.

OP posts:
nachogazpacho · 30/07/2017 08:41

What's his relationship like with her?

Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 08:42

He sees her now every Saturday 9.30-6.30 and every other Friday for tea.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 30/07/2017 08:50

You need to start overnight stays, then perhaps build up to a 4-day break away. He needs to stop putting pressure on her by saying she'll soon be living with him part of the time. This may be unsettling her.

MrsBertBibby · 30/07/2017 08:52

Does your daughter have sleepovers with friends or family? Brownie camp?

kittensinmydinner1 · 30/07/2017 08:55

That's really not enough to maintain an effective relationship with her father. I am assuming that you have no welfare concerns. I.e. Do not believe he will harm her physically or emotionally? And that her dislike of spending time with him is simply her desire to not be away from you ?
If this is the case then you have got to put your big positive face on and 'sell' this to your child. You need to make her believe that you will be quite happy without her around for a while.
Did I read that you have a younger child.. same dad ? Has he never had this child for contact ?

GreenTulips · 30/07/2017 08:57

I think thse issue is the fathers attitude to what 'he entitled to' with out any empathy for the daughters feelings.

If he said 'I understand you don't want to leave mummy, but we'll find her a nice gift and you can ring her anytime' etc she might feel different

He doesn't appear to be giving her any reassurances

BasedOnTrueEvents · 30/07/2017 08:58

Why does she moth have overnight stays OP? Overnight stays with the NRP are normal.

Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 09:01

Not the best relationship. Even before we split he had little input in her day to day care - refused to take/pick up from school as I had it covered! Would only play out with her in the garden once the football/cricket match he was watching had finished. Putting himself first and this has continued on contact days - my daughter will come home saying she's played upstairs on her own for the afternoon whilst he has been watching the football/cricket.

OP posts:
Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 09:10

My daughter has not had sleepovers anywhere else. Greentulips I agree. He told her that the longer she goes away for the more she will miss me and her sister and the happier she will be to get back home to us! No reassurance. Also he keeps throwing in his rights and what he's entitled to do. When I've tried to tell him things she's told me he says I'm using her to get at him.
Yes the younger child is his. Like her sister she goes alternate Friday's for tea and Saturdays 9.30-2.30.

OP posts:
Original poster
12md · 30/07/2017 09:14

He has not made over night stays sound positive either. When she has been slow fastening her shoe laces at coming home to me time he has told her to hurry up or she would have to sleep at his - knowing how she didn't want to!

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 30/07/2017 09:17

She should definitely go. Unless there is a huge dripped and he is abusive or she doesn't like him.

And I think you might need to work of her coping without you. Can you go away for a night and leave a friend or family to look after her? And start sending her to sleepovers? She sounds way to upset for an 8 year old!

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