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Original poster

ex taking daughter on holiday when she doesn't want to go

49 replies

12md · 30/07/2017 07:18

Help!! My ex has a holiday planned for our 8 year old daughter in two weeks time. Since he booked it she has been saying she doesn't want to go. I had a mediation session last week with my ex and I told him how she was feeling. Basically he said she had told him she wanted to go and if I did not agree to her going then he would get an emergency court order. I felt pressured in to agreeing. Had my daughter sobbing last night that she does not want to go and asking why she has to. I've tried to reassure her but I'm worried of the mental/emotional impact on her. Me and ex have been separated over two years and she does not have over night stays with him. Do I force her to go on holiday?

OP posts:

BeepBeepMOVE · 30/07/2017 09:18

Can't both of them do overnights once a fortnight or something? Better to start younger with DD2 so she doesn't end up like DD1!

Fairylea · 30/07/2017 09:18

There needs to be more regular contact - more overnights, etc etc. No wonder she will find it strange if she isn't seeing him lots. I think however that unless you know he isn't a good dad (and he does appear to be from what you've said) that she should be made to go on the holiday and you should wave her off cheerily etc. I do think however that contact generally needs to be more than it is.

My dd is 14 now and has been going to her dads for the weekend since she was about a year old (we split up when she was 6 months old). He has since moved to the USA and she spends half the summer holidays there with him (this has been happening since she was 12). There have been a few times when she didn't want to go as a very young child but we reassured her and there wasn't a question of her not going, so she's just grown up accepting that's what happens and she has a great relationship with her dad now.

MyCalmX · 30/07/2017 09:20

I don't get why the dh wishes trump the dd's? If the parents weren't separated she wouldn't be forced into this situation. And she may have more confidence to stay away if they hadn't separated.

This isn't a dig at you OP. Sometimes separation is the best thing but it should then always be about what's best for dc.

Fairylea · 30/07/2017 09:21

I posted while you have posted...! He doesn't sound like the best dad in the world and he needs to change some of his attitudes - using staying at his as a thread is totally wrong and isn't going to help!

He needs to have both children together on holiday - to just have the one is wrong.

Fairylea · 30/07/2017 09:22

*threat

GreenTulips · 30/07/2017 09:22

Sorry but does he have bothgirls tougher or alternate their stays?

Why isn't he taking the 2 year old as well?

Original poster

12md · 30/07/2017 09:26

Beepbeepmove - the overnight stay once a fortnight is what I put forward at mediation last week but we ran out of time so it will carry over to our next session which isn't until after the holiday.

OP posts:

Christinedonna · 30/07/2017 09:26

If you booked a holiday for yourself (her included) and she said she didn't want to go, would you cancel? I think you'd tell her she's coming and there would be no question. So I think she should go. It's four days, she'll either have loads of fun and realise she was being silly, or not enjoy it and be home in four days. Its not the end of the world

Original poster

12md · 30/07/2017 09:28

Both girls go together just the youngest comes back home earlier. It has been tough building up his relationship with the youngest. He says that his relationship with the youngest is not as advanced as that with eldest and it wouldn't be right for her to go away with him - that she would get too upset.

OP posts:

redfairy · 30/07/2017 09:37

If your EX is now working locally and is looking to share care with you surely that is a good thing? As for the holiday I think you need to do some work with your DD quickly to make she she sets off on holiday assured that all will be well and that you are all 100% positive about what a great time she will have.
I get that he may not be the best dad in your eyes but he is her dad and spending more time will give him the chance to build a better relationship with him. I don't think at 8 years she is old enough to know what will be good for her in the long term and you need to do everything in your power to set your own reservations aside and give father and daughter the chance to flourish.
I have three children by two EXHs and I have had to go through the same so have every sympathy for your situation.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 30/07/2017 09:47

What he means is that two year olds are much harder work than eight year olds! It's odd he isn't taking them both and it'd be so much easier for your eight year old if he took both of them.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 30/07/2017 09:49

Oh and he's showing concern about the younger child potentially being upset as a reason for not taking her but isn't bothered that the older one is actually already upset that she is being taken! Hmmm...

MrsPringles · 30/07/2017 09:53

This is a weird set up. Both his but he only wants to take one?

I would try keep them both at home, you can't go from no overnights to bosh 4 in a row on her own not even with her sister when she has already said she doesn't want to go

Mollycoddled or not. He doesn't sound like a particularly great dad that really wants to get to know/spend more time with his 2 girls. Surely he should work on making her feel more comfortable with him, not just booking holidays she doesn't want to go on and making silly demands

Original poster

12md · 30/07/2017 09:56

Thanks for all the advice.Right, I'm going to keep up with the positives and try an arrange an overnight stay before the holiday!

OP posts:

LIZS · 30/07/2017 09:58

How far away is the holiday? Are you able to get her home if she becomes unhappy? Tbh I'd be inclined to encourage her to go , enjoy some exclusive time with her df. Perhaps help her identify a few things to do A 2yo would change the dynamic and restrict what they can do so can understand why it is easier to start with the elder child alone.

Original poster

12md · 30/07/2017 10:02

To be honest magicalmrsmistoffelees I'm not sure where he mindset is at the minute - been gone all this time then 3 weeks ago suggested moving back in the marital home to save all the heartache of going to court!!

OP posts:

Everytimeref · 30/07/2017 10:07

Google and read "Annies story The transition bridge " it will help you understand what your daughters feeling and how you maybe unintentional making her responsible for your feelings about the situation.

Original poster

12md · 30/07/2017 10:09

Lizs it's about 2 1/2 hours away so not bad at all. Yes I agree the youngest would restrict what they could do -hence why she goes for less time on a Saturday to allow eldest and dad to have some time together.

OP posts:

BasedOnTrueEvents · 30/07/2017 10:16

If he's the father of both of them, then I think him having both at the same time would be a good idea. A two year old may well restrict what they can do in terms of activities but that's part of parenting, surely? He has to learn how to deal with two children with differing needs. You do it day in, day out after all.

GreenTulips · 30/07/2017 10:21

Yes he's choosing the easiest option!

He should take both - did you ask him to?

headhurtstoomuch · 30/07/2017 10:21

OP - I stand by my previous statements. I haven't seen / spoken or been in the same room as my dad for 30 years. We cried when younger saying 'we didn't want to see him' and within a year he no longer wanted to see us. Crap on his part completely but I wish to god my mum had pushed it and insisted he saw us as well. It's too late for me and I'll be honest it breaks my heart that I don't have a relationship of any kind with my dad.

MrsBertBibby · 30/07/2017 11:09

I think regardless of the outcome with the holiday, you need to move to overnights for the girls together. I think your eldest is feeling insecure about her place with you, and that's exacerbated by her sister getting one on one with you.

PoshPenny · 30/07/2017 11:34

Some children just aren't any good at sleepovers mine were like this. What a difficult situation. Their father needs to take both and treat them equally. She'd likely be a bit happier if her sister was there too. What a mess OP hope you can sort it out and not end up doing an emergency dash for an inconsolable child

pingu73 · 08/08/2017 09:34

Unfortunately unless there's abusive issues my experience of family court is she would have to go and you would be expected to encourage that. Until she is of an age to clearly have a view 10plus then you will be seen to be unreasonable.

My daughter is 13 and there has been a lot of emotional abuse for her and only now is her voice being heard.

You have to tread carefully as judges are very black and white and won't see her missing you and her sister as a reason not to go

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