Cheating DH says I can have the house. What is the best way? Post-nup? Trust Deed? Judicial separation?

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Caught DH out on his adultery three days ago. My biggest concern is that I have given up my high flying career to be a SAHM and support him in getting to be a very very high earner- six figures now but could easily be 7 in five years time. Knowing I was putting myself in a very vulnerable position I have repeatedly made that clear to him and he has frequently sworn in an utterly convincing manner that I had nothing to fear. He is now extremely repentant and his answer to my distress over this specific aspect is to say that I can have the house and all our assets, and that he will sign whatever I want to achieve this. He would start again with nothing but given his earning potential that does not seem unfair. I am keen to take him up on his offer, as even if there is a tiny chance of future reconciliation I need to protect myself and the children now, and if we end up with a nasty divorce in months or years, he may well not be feeling so generous.

So what is the best way- so far I have identified three potential routes if I don't actually want to just immediately go through with filing for divorce:

1. Post- nuptial agreement- it sounds like these are not necessarily upheld??

2. Trust deed to change the house from joint tenants to my name only (plus bank interest)? Would this be valid or overridden by the marital assets aspect regardless if we eventually divorce? And given I am a SAHM, would the current mortgage arrangement have to end and change to my name only- I wouldn't qualify for a mortgage as things are so that would nullify that option. In which case, how could I keep the current mortgage going while changing my and his shares so that I effectively got it- tenants in common in unequal shares, say 95/5?

3. I have been looking at judicial separation documents that seem to specify the same details as divorce- eg transfer of ownership of marital home, spousal maintenance etc. Would this achieve the financial settlement issues now without me actually having to decide right now to go through with divorce.

Thanks for any advice.

Couldn't make this shit up.
I actually couldn't make the shit up that someone could be quite so venomous to someone in a vulnerable position. Are you the OW? If not in my case then perhaps in another marriage?

I'm not sure where yet another child comes from. Even aside from the fact that that implies I have at least three children, which I don't, I also didn't become a sahm until both my babies were born.

I did not choose this in a silo. WE chose it for the benefit of our family. Immediately after I stopped working he entered the promotion process which took a year and which he would not have been able to get through without not having to do a single childcare related activity.

And I have made sure I was secure as best I could. I wrote wills, took out life insurance and checked permanent health insurance, and had full and frank discussions with my "D" H about the position I was in and he reassured me of his never ending devotion to me. We have been together for 15 years. On what planet should I have not believed him when he swore it was the best thing for us all?

You weren't conned into anything, you were actively involved in it all - except for his adultery.....but even re that you're still thinking of a possible future for your marriage

And so if I haven't actually divorced him FIVE DAYS later then I am somehow complicit? I realise the law says i only have six months but everyone i speak to, dr, citizens advice, friends, family, has been urging me to give it time and go to fucking Relate. My first instinct is to divorce him. But I have two small children's best interests to consider and H is begging and pleading for me not to jump straight into it so I haven't actually filed yet which makes me somehow involved in that too?! I've kicked him out of the house, consulted a lawyer, visited the Dr and citizens advice and taken care of my two tiny children and made sure their lives are as normal as possible. That seems like plenty to have undertaken in less than a week and I do not think it should open me up to derision of strangers on the internet who clearly have their own agenda to forward.

This is not aibu. I was not aware I was opening myself up to venom posting here. You have not offered any legal advice, only personal attacks when you know I am on my knees and still reeling from a terrible shock.

Are you the OW? If not in my case then perhaps in another marriage?

No, never been that desperate.

I just think it's facetious to say you were conned into it all when you clearly weren't.....15 years later he cheated on you. I highly doubt that was his plan/intention when he made his vows to you.

No, but you clearly have some beef with me as a sahp so presumably either your ex or your second husbands ex got a settlement that you aren't happy with. I'm not sure how you can ever think it is alright to kick someone who is so obviously down however much you are projecting. You don't know what we talked about our how we made our decisions, the person you are thinking of is not me. I had a happy marriage, with someone who swore they would never stray and then took advantage of my trying not to be a nagging wife and shat all over our lovely family.

I dont know why i feel the need to explainto someone so heartless but you obviously think i am some sort of cocklodger/golddigger. For the record, we have only been married for 8 years and had children for five although been together for 15. At the time of my first pregnancy (jointly decided) we were earning roughly the same and had successful careers. I have only been a sahm for two years after WE decided it was best for me to take a redundancy package to enable me to do 100% of the childcare, specifically in order to further his career and let him put in 5000% at work, which is apparently necessary to make partner. I put said redundancy payment straight into our mortgage and our eldest was able to start at the local school preschool instead of being in childcare 12 hours a day. He was able to work outside the home 24 hours a day staying in hotels from Monday to Friday and sometimes fly at weekends because I was at home with the kids. They were able to go swimming and do ballet and all of the things that they had previously been unable to do when I worked full time. WE agreed this was best for the kids and for his career and therefore for our family finances, despite the fact that I have absolutely hated being a SAHM and HE knew it. I got offered a job at one point soon after redundancy when the gap in my cv was small, but because dd1 would have had to leave the school preschool and they would have had to give up their swimming etc, and because there was no question that I would still be doing 100% of pick ups and drop offs and sick days etc WE decided that it was better not to. HE loved having a sahm because it made his life easier and meant he could put in the extra to progress his career, even though he knew I hated it and was frustrated and unfulfilled. (Yes apparently it also facilitated his affair in that I did not expect him home.) But the only thing it achieved for me was depression and frustration. But the carrot of him imminently making partner so that our girls would have a nice life and private schooling and he would be able to retire early seemed like a no brainer for short term pain that was limited to me. The alternative of us both having to sacrifice our careers for flexible working collaboration seemed silly when he could be earning a seven figure salary if I just put up with the drudgery for a few years.

So yes, in my mind this is the biggest betrayal. He has let me live a life I hated, subjugate myself to him while he flew around the world living the high life, and I dealt with screaming children as effectively a single parent and got no mental stimulation or challenge. He knew all of this because I told him about it repeatedly and had to take anti depressants. And asked him repeatedly if I had anything to fear because I spend too much time on mumsnet and know that sahms are vulnerable. But he lied to my face. We have definitely had this discussion since the affair started and he lied so convincingly that I believed him wholeheartedly and gave him even more freedom to work all hours and go to social events afterwards.

He may not have conned me at the time I took redundancy or even turned down a job he knew I was desperate to take, but he influenced those decisions and knew I hated it, so a year later when he checked out of the marriage he lied to my face about my security repeatedly and left me to continue to suffer for his own benefit. If he had any respect for me , even ignoring the Romantics, but just as his best friend for 15 years, then he could have encouraged me to get a job six months ago when he started considering his alternatives. Even if he didn't want to confess to the affair. He may not have put me in this position maliciously, but he certainly left me here thoughtlessly. And now it is the school holidays. I'm going to find it really easy to find a job now I have the kids with me 24/7
Now that he has come down to earth with a crash he recognises that this is the worst thing. Not the sex, not the lying, but leaving me in this position that I not only hated, but which made me dependent and vulnerable to him. So he is keen to make some sort of financial arrangement for my peace of mind, to acknowledge the sacrifice that he encouraged me to make and that he know I hated. He can't take away the pain he has caused me but yes, he can do this. He will not be in any financial hardship, and maybe it will replace a tiny amount of he lost trust and respect I had for him.

And while my eyes have certainly been opened now and I will be as cynical as all the other women on this site who have been victims of adultery, you must know/remember a distant past when you had not been scarred or jaded and a marriage meant a partnership, where decisions were made together for the greater good and trust was implicit.

Are you suggesting I should have had a post nup drawn up as soon as I left work? Do you not think that would have damaged our relationship? I had no reason not to trust him and do not come from a broken home, so I am not naturally suspicious . And we have been together since university. I don't have former experience of this to make me cynical.

I will repeat myself, this was five days ago. I reserve the right to be facetious or hysterical or any other words you want to throw at me ( although I think you are cruel to do so). The Dr has had to give me some Valium to get me through the week so they are probably true. But what multiple doctors and other professionals have told me while I have been sobbing that I shouldn't have been so stupid to give up work and make myself dependent on him, is that I need to be kind to myself and remember that I am not to blame, that this is not my fault and I am the victim here. Thank you for undoing all their good work and reducing me to a sobbing heap again.

Sorry you're going through this.

If I may make a suggestion it would be to make sure you have as much information about all his income and assets as possible - photocopies etc.

I'm absolutely not saying this would be the case, but my mum was in a similar situation albeit with less money at stake. When my dad got caught cheating he was initially very remorseful and full of 'you'll be looked after, you have the house etc'...

When he realised mum wanted to proceed with the divorce it all turned nasty and he was determined that she got as little as possible - fortunately the judge took her side but it caused a lot of heartache.

Thanks family law solicitor yes it was good to talk through the options. She looked at the numbers and circumstances and said that if we split now I would probably get most of the house and spousal maintenance. But that he would need to get a sum for a deposit to allow him to get set up too as his salary would enable him to get as big a mortgage as he needed.

I would be happy with that and it sounded like it would be the default position so I am less bothered about a post nup /separation deed to finalise it. Despite what others might think I am not out to "take everything" in some vindictive way. It is him that is keen to do something formal to make amends for helping to put me in this position so that he might allay some of the fears brought about by his betrayal.

OP if I were you I would be as cynical as I possibly could here.

I would bite my lip and stay. But insist the mortgage is overpaid until it is paid off. Then if he strays again or you arent happy then divorce.

Worse case scenario you end up with 50% of the house. Bet it would buy you and the dcs a nice house wouldn't it?

Don't underestimate how difficult it is to stay in a property you know you only have because the dcs are still dependants. Set your stall out now. Tell your dh you want all family money paid either into the mortgage or a joint both to sign account. Any savings or investments go joint now.

Thanks clashcityrocker, luckily I am/used to be an accountant and I have always held all the pursestrings on our finances and he has always sent me his electronic payslips etc. Will photocopy some of the hard copies of stuff though. Just in case it turns nasty later.

I might not be able to get back where I left off but I am a qualified accountant and also have three degrees so shouldn't be destitute whatever happens, although partner at a big four firm is firmly out of my reach given my age
I'm just extremely pissed off as it would also have been out of his reach had I not supported him 110% in getting there and taking every tiny imposition of family life out of his arena, thinking it was in all our interests.

Also, it shouldn't come to court as he is extremely repentant and willing to settle.

Also, it shouldn't come to court as he is extremely repentant and willing to settle

The courts will have to approve any financial settlement at the time of divorce. Even if you are both agreed, the courts can interfere with your agreement if they think it is clearly unfair.

I doubt you'll find a single partner at the big 4 accountants, top 5 law firms that are in their first, happy marriage. A friend was on partner track at one and said it was well known that pretty much every partner (mainly male) was or had played away. Working in a male dominated industry I can quite believe it.

The hours and work regime ruin lives. I don't think promising you the house will sort this out. Prioritising your life together and your family above work, just might. You're too remote from his 'real' life, which he has made the office.

Good luck. It's a tough gig.

1. How you got here does not matter and I would never give up full time work so earned 10x my ex husband and gave him a massive pay out on divorce (we both worked full time) but that is just my personal decision. you decided to take the massive risk of giving up your career for a man (in my view always very unwise for women) and the law should protect you and often does in this kind of case.

1. As you say you might take him back but it may be after some kind of post nup settlement though they are not common in the UK. A solicitor can help. If things are in flux however in terms of deciding whether you could ever contemplate living with the [ insert expletive here] again better just to wait a bit and not change ownership of properties etc for now.

1. If the dust settles and you might continue to live together then you could do that post nup arrangement, put the house in your name only assuming no mortgage on it. If there is a loan on it the lender won't allow your husband's name off the loan. You might also want other assets in your name or even in the names of your children so that no spouse of either of you including future spouse could get the assets (or probably would find it harder) but that involves trusting the children and if they are 18 having a trustee - eg your mother or a sibling.

1. Lots of women take men back after adultery but fewer men do - I suspect that's all about women depending on men for money rather than male pride about issues of being cheated upon. Don't assume the marriage has to be over. If you do want to consider staying together I would not let living apart last too long as the longer it lasts the more it becomes the status quo and drives both parties into the arms of others and makes it harder to get back together. If he had a fling after a work party it may be more excusable to some people than if he has fallen in love with someone at work who is the new love of his life.

Anyway as people say above get a good lawyer. My ex husband wanted maintenance for life as well as half the assets so instead of that he got more than half the assets as I was clean to get a clean break settlement and I was lucky enough to be able to take an over £1m loan to pay him off. Our pensions were worth the same. By the way if you stay married make sure you get a pension too. My mother who taught for 11 years had a small teachers' pension but when she stopped work she and my father set up a second pension for her too.

I am certainly not a family lawyer. Also maintenance seems to differ depending on where in England you divorce which is bizarre - lower earners can tend to get less (not in terms of numbers but in terms of getting it at all) in the N than the SE.

I think it is worth a try under English law to try a US post nup if it leaves both provided for but I agree it could be open to being undone if the husband here were left with nothing and had no job after a much later divorce.

I am nowhere near as pessimistic as don'tcallme about the prospects for partners' marriages. But that's irrelevant to you right now. It's how you feel about your marriage that matters and I think you risk sorting the wrong problem by focusing on money/assets. You need to decide whether the life on offer is one you want, and if not what your options are for changing it. I'm not sure that technically owning the house will make much difference to how you feel about the day to day frustration that comes out of your postings. You come across as jealous of your dh and his career - understandably - but that's very corrosive. You need to get back to feeling like a team and if you can't then give yourself the chance to forge your own career and the sooner the better. Don't risk a future of regrets. Good luck with whatever you decide.