Cheating DH says I can have the house. What is the best way? Post-nup? Trust Deed? Judicial separation?

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Caught DH out on his adultery three days ago. My biggest concern is that I have given up my high flying career to be a SAHM and support him in getting to be a very very high earner- six figures now but could easily be 7 in five years time. Knowing I was putting myself in a very vulnerable position I have repeatedly made that clear to him and he has frequently sworn in an utterly convincing manner that I had nothing to fear. He is now extremely repentant and his answer to my distress over this specific aspect is to say that I can have the house and all our assets, and that he will sign whatever I want to achieve this. He would start again with nothing but given his earning potential that does not seem unfair. I am keen to take him up on his offer, as even if there is a tiny chance of future reconciliation I need to protect myself and the children now, and if we end up with a nasty divorce in months or years, he may well not be feeling so generous.

So what is the best way- so far I have identified three potential routes if I don't actually want to just immediately go through with filing for divorce:

1. Post- nuptial agreement- it sounds like these are not necessarily upheld??

2. Trust deed to change the house from joint tenants to my name only (plus bank interest)? Would this be valid or overridden by the marital assets aspect regardless if we eventually divorce? And given I am a SAHM, would the current mortgage arrangement have to end and change to my name only- I wouldn't qualify for a mortgage as things are so that would nullify that option. In which case, how could I keep the current mortgage going while changing my and his shares so that I effectively got it- tenants in common in unequal shares, say 95/5?

3. I have been looking at judicial separation documents that seem to specify the same details as divorce- eg transfer of ownership of marital home, spousal maintenance etc. Would this achieve the financial settlement issues now without me actually having to decide right now to go through with divorce.

Thanks for any advice.

The problem you have is that the courts will want to see that the financial settlement is fair. You may struggle to convince a judge that a settlement giving you everything and leaving your husband with nothing is fair. A post-nuptial agreement can be ignored by the courts if it is clearly unfair, as can a separation agreement. A financial settlement as part of judicial separation must be fair. And changing the way assets are owned does not stop them being marital assets that go into the pot for the financial settlement. You need to take proper legal advice.

I'm not so sure it isn't fair though. He would be left with his high earnings and even higher earning potential, which would not exist if I hadn't been deliberately misled into sacrificing my own career to allow him to get where he is (and will be) on the basis that it was for both of us and our family. His share of the equity in the house is less than two years of his current salary , and depending on how long we stay married, could easily be six months worth in a year or two...

If we divorced now including me getting the house would that also not be seen as fair? Despite his current and expected earnings? I understood that it was exactly these sorts of cases that gave rise to spousal maintenance, but that a clean break where assets are given instead of SM is preferred?

His offer, or rather, insistence, that he wants me to have the house so that I don't feel he maliciously put me in a vulnerable position, is the only currently redeeming feature that is stopping me filing for divorce and writing it off immediately. He wants me to have it as a safety net, to enable me to try and forgive him and make it work. If it is an empty promise that has no possibility of being fulfilled, then I'm not sure I see any point in putting myself through months or years of chances when I cant trust him and know I am vulnerable.

I've just had a client that has accepted house, half pension and a very large lump sum instead of maintenance. Her ex had to take out a mortgage to pay her off. Her situation sounds rather like yours. The court signed it off.

Be wary of him being keen to settle though, he may have assets your not aware of. That might be why he's keen to pay you off!

No-one can say from the brief details here what would be fair. You need to see a lawyer. Once they have all the details they can give you proper advice.

Not sure you can preempt the divorce proceedings though. I'm an IFA, not a lawyer

Pension wise, he has probably currently got close to £100,000 in his pension pot, as he has only been paying into it for around five years, although he will end up meeting the £1m lifetime allowance if his career stays on track. I don't have any interest in his pension; at the moment I am thinking purely of my and the children's short term security. I'm not ruling out the possibility that we might stay together, so a post-nup might be appropriate, I just can't now trust him, and if I find myself in the same position again in a few years I will need to know I have something to fall back on.

I will get some advice, I just wasn't needed to nail down what I was asking for advice on! It sounds like a deed of trust would be irrelevant as we are married, so at least I can strike that off the list.

To be clear there has been no pressure on him. This is entirely his idea. Other than calling him names for doing this to me when I had previously underlined what a precarious position I was putting myself in, I have not said anything. This is his suggestion, in the hopes that by taking away that particular aspect of the betrayal, I might be able to try to trust him again.

Thanks. I'm in North Hertfordshire

Debenhams Ottoway are sensible. My last couple of cases via them seemed well done and not protracted. Richard Gilbert is always good for a chat and Helen Young.

On the pension front, he might get a bit of a shock. If you earn over 210k you only get a 10k a year personal allowance. You won't get to the lifetime allowance of £1m on that level of contribution. The 10k includes employer money too.

Which one are you?

couldn't possibly comment hopes user name irony plays well

Thanks for the recommendations.

Have made an appointment to see someone tomorrow. Thanks for your help

Not much point seeing a solicitor if you are staying together surely?

Yes but Why waste money until she decided? Basically you will be advised to start divorce proceedings in order to sort out the financials. A marriage guidance counsellor might be the first port of call if you are undecided on whether to split up or not.

I don't know if we are staying together. I have kicked him out of the house, so we are now separated. I am going to see a lawyer to talk through possible steps to protect me in the event that we do split permanently, such as post nup or separation deed.
To me the biggest betrayal is that we chose for me to become a sahm (using my redundancy payout to overpay mortgage) facilitating his meteoric rise, and despite me frequently questioning the vulnerable position that put me in, he repeatedly convinced me that we were solid as a rock.
He wants to do something to mitigate against that so that we might stand even a tiny chance of getting back together.

unless he falls ill/gets injured etc and is not able to work that or any other job anymore! actually his firm give him permanent health insurance that would maintain his current level of earnings in case of illness or disability. I looked into it to make sure we were covered when I became a sahm. Along with detailed discussions about my vulnerability and making him promise to tell me if he ever started to have even the slightest doubt about the future of our relationship. He was so utterly convincing and i didnt think him capable of it that i genuinely thought we had covered all the bases! In injured or disabled he obviously wouldn't be able to continue his meteoric rise but would continue to receive his six figures