Being vegetarian and court

[JMKid]

I raise my LO as a veggie. My ex strongly hates this as he is big meat eater. He is complaining about it and hates having to follow the diet. My LO has a very balanced and varied diet aside from no meat or fish, always a healthy wide, very active and not hindered in any way. He is going to raise this issue at our next court hearing. Can they insist I start giving LO meat or insist the ex gives him meat? I appreciate as he gets older he can choose but surely I can decide? Things are very very fraught between us and know this is about control as is everything else he does.

You can both give him what you want as long as it's not harmful

But meat is harmful. Dp is a meat eater and has bowel cancer. Cause of bowel (and a lot of other cancers) is meat eating.

Wouldn't after never having meat his whole life, your ds be really ill eating meat. I doubt from what you have put your ex is going to take the time and trouble of introducing meat a little at a time.

Could be an interesting dinner. Ds was given meat ravioli in school by a dinner lady who told him it was the vegetarian option. Ds after a couple of mouthfuls projectile vomitted over his fellow classmates sitting opposite him and was so ill he had to be sent home.

I was not going to mention this issue at Court but I know the ex is hence me asking for opinions. I know he will do whatever he wants with my LO whether in the best interest or not - not just this issue but on everything. As I said before the issues are far wider than this which in the scale of things is minor. But thank you for all the comments.

Oliversmumsarmy - you are right he would defo not give meat gradually and I believe that yes it would upset his little stomach.
However, the ex will do what he wants irrelevant of anything else so i have to just pick up the pieces when it happens.

You must just say in court if asked that you believe the vegetarian diet to be the best for him for xyz reasons, and you hope that his father will consider what he is accustomed to and take that into consideration when feeding him.
My ds is vegetarian and wouldn't eat meat now if he was given it. 2 is a bit young for that though but he might just reject meat for the unexpected flavour and texture.

I know that giving your DS meat is something you absolutely don't want to do. but given that your ex is likely to introduce meat without consideration to the effects it may in fact be beneficial for you to introduce meat to him on a gradual basis in order to prevent any significant impact in the beginning iyswim. Not as a permanent measure in your home but as a preparation for the fact that he is likely to be given meat at his dad's so you are able to manage the effects or in fact prevent them if you can introduce meat products gradually.

If you are vegetarian on moral/ethical grounds perhaps there is a family member who can help...

Some people genuinely believe meat is good for children and want them to eat it. If your ex wants to feed his child meat, give him a hair cut you don't like and dress him in clothes not to your taste you'll just have to accept it.

Even within happy marriages parents do different things with their DC. I told DH I didn't want DS having a burger from the van when they went to a football match. DH thought he knew best and bought one for DS. Oh how they laughed.

Wannabe, are you kidding. I would want no part in giving my dc meat. If df wants to give Ds meat he can clear up the mess and look after Ds during the aftermath. Why should the op make things easier for a df who hasn't bothered with his Ds for a year and it would go against every moral fibre to feed her son meat. Why set the dc up for a grim future.

Wannabe - I don't think you understand what being a vegetarian parent of a vegetarian child means. Op can't give her child meat.

Because it would be in the child's best interests to do so. This isn't about the parents' moral beliefs here, it is about what is in the best interests of the child.

The fact is that this man is likely to give the child meat and is likely to not do it in a controlled way. Do people genuinely think that, knowing this fact and the implications, their moral beliefs should allow the child to become ill with potential vomiting etc just to make the other parent have to deal with it? In whose interests is that exactly?

So yes, in the event that the other parent is not reasonable and is not likely to take into account the fact that this child has not eaten meat products before, and the courts would not prevent him from feeding the child meat products, a parent with their child's best interests at heart would find a way to introduce meat products to their child in order to prevent them becoming ill on someone else's watch.

I think I would let the other parent feed their child as they wish. I would,bhowever, insist (as far as it is possible!) that they introduce it gradually to avoid any problems.

Realistically, you have no control over what the other parent does in this respect and you won't know what they are doing. At some point your child is going to be old enough to choose for themselves.

But meat is harmful. Dp is a meat eater and has bowel cancer. Cause of bowel (and a lot of other cancers) is meat eating

Sorry, even as a veggie I couldn't let this pass. What a load of tosh, the worst sort of internet pseudo-science. I counter your 'proof' that meat causes cancer with the story of my FIL, a veggie who also had bowel cancer.

OP, it's unfortunate but I'm not sure there's anything you can do to stop him feeding your LO meat if he wants to, but he definitely can't dictate that you should do the same.

I'm a vegetarian and kept DS1 a vegetarian until he was almost two, until lactose intolerance meant maintaining a veggie diet at nursery got way too complicated. Meat wasn't introduced gradually and he was FINE. Meat giving long-term vegetarians an upset stomach because of the high protein is utter bollocks - any adverse reaction is almost entirely psychological, or related to the texture of the meat (which is very odd if you haven't had it before). This is hardly going to be an issue for a two year old.

OP - don't keep a diary as Petal suggested. That's mad. If your child was malnourished and that was the issue being raised in court, then, yes, you would need a food diary. The issue here is purely ideological and, as PPs have said, maintaining your ideological stance and waving a food diary as some form of evidence is just going to make you look unhinged and weaken your case. It is a form of control on your part. I wouldn't raise it at all, TBH.

I know it's upsetting that your child will have meat when you don't want him to (DH and I weren't happy about it when we couldn't carry on with a vegetarian diet for DS1) but you know, at the end of the day, it's not going to do him any harm. We've taken the position with our DCs that by eating veggie at home and meat elsewhere, they'll be in a better position to make an informed choice when they're older.

There is a link between eating large quantities of red meat and bowel cancer. This article explains it nicely.

scienceblog.cancerresearchuk.org/2015/10/26/processed-meat-and-cancer-what-you-need-to-know/

It's a small increased risk to those who eat the most processed meat and red meat. Unless the ex is going to feed him nothing but steak and bacon it's not really something to worry about, especially since the boy will be eating vegetarian for the majority of his diet.

It's a tough one to swallow. DP and I are together, but frequently disagree with how best to feed DS.

DP thinks it's fine to give Frosties for breakfast as he had them as a kid and they didn't do him any harm.

The rule we have is you do it your way, I do it mine. Neither can veto the other.

Dp has never ate processed meat. Neither did his father who also died of bowel cancer. There cancers are not familial. Tests have been done.
Dp does not smoke, another cause of bowel cancer, neither did his dad.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cancer-of-the-colon-rectum-or-bowel/pages/causes.aspx

Risks for dp and his dad only applied to eating meat.

Just to point out eating more than 3 oz of meat a day is a risk.

I have not eaten meat since I was in early teens and now in mid 30s. I don't eat it for moral and health reasons and when with me LO will not be given meat.

I.....feel that whilst he may not agree he should at least continue to follow the decisions I have made.

Many newly separated primary Carers feel that way.

Unfortunately, you have to accept that your DDs dad is her equal parent - and unless a court deems that he is not a "good enough" parent, he has the same responsibility to make parenting decisions when she is in his care as you do when she is in yours.

*DP is a meat eater and has bowel cancer.
*
Case closed then eh? What a load of old bollocks. Excessive red meat gives increased risk of bowel cancer. For the vast majority eating meat is not an issue and unless Dad is going feed this little boy a cow a day he'll be fine.

It's a complex science and not a+b = c

Like the majority of others OP, I think this is a non-starter. It will actually probably benefit your child and he will be in a better position to make his choice when he gets older as he will have experienced both.

OP, I'm glad to see you're not landing to raise this in court.

I hope we've reassured you that there is no way your ex can compel you to feed DS meat (short of significant health issues).

Ultimately your ex will parent how he chooses (as will you), and your DS will likely adapt very quickly to things being different at the different houses.

I know he will do whatever he wants with my LO whether in the best interest or not - not just this issue but on everything.

The court will assume that as a "good enough" parent, your ex believes that his choices are in your DCs best interests.

The hardest lesson to learn as a separated parent is that there is more than one "right" way to parent, and your ex has a responsibility to parent his DC in his "right" way, just as you have a responsibility to parent in the way you believe is right.

I understand where you're coming from OP, I've been veggie for a long time for moral reasons and it would upset me if I thought my child was being fed meat before they could make a conscious and informed choice to do so. It would upset me even more if it was coming from an ex who you felt was doing it to upset you in some way.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it legally though 😔

Oliversmumsarmy Can you explain how my vegetarian non smoking mother in law got bowel cancer aged 53 and lung cancer aged 57? She had no risk factors for either, but hey, why let facts get in the way of anecdotes?

Ramona but if you DID eat meat and your ex didn't and was telling you not to feed your child meat would you like it?

The argument about conscious and informed decisions works both ways. Why should a child be brought up a veggie/vegan etc before they are old enough to decide?

All the OP can do is to continue her way and educate her DS as to why she doesn't eat meat. I suspect her Ex won't have the LO very often and so it may become a non-issue.

I appreciate the OP doesn't eat meat and that's her choice but the ex isn't poisoning him.

It's a tough one isn't it umi? And I'm not saying my (or the OP's) response is the right one, I'm just a sympathising and acknowledging that I understand how she feels. And your absolutely right, informed decisions work both ways - I feel like this could be an edition of The Moral Maze

Of course eating meat isn't poisoning her LO, I would never suggest that, and it certainly won't do him any physical or mental harm to eat meat. It's just a tough obstacle to navigate, especially when both parents are at odds about it and neither really has the right to dictate what the other does on their time.

Only on MN could a death and a terminal illness be regarded as an anecdote.