what can I do about this unsuitable environment for the children?

[unicornspooprainbows]

ex has children EOW for 2 nights. We divorced 2.5 years ago, at first he was in a long term relationship and from what I could gather she seemed like a nice lady, treated my children well and the environment was secure and nurturing for the children when they visited. However since he has split with her 6 months ago, there have been a string of women coming and going whom he is introducing to the children after a couple of weeks of meeting them. Whilst I have an issue with this alone, far more serious still is the fact that the children have been subject to (IMO) neglect from their dad, and they have witnessed things of a sexual nature that they really shouldn't have seen at their age (8,10)
To summarise
1)DD saw her dad wanking over webcam/skype call with his girlfriend (I walked in to the bedroom and daddy had the computer infront of him and he was kneeling on the bed with his winky in his hand) (during the day!!)
2)DS walked in on dad having sex with another girlfriend. He did not check he was ok, as would have been normal, he shouted at him to 'GET OUT' and carried on, DS said he heard them carrying on grunting and making sex noises in the adjoining room.
3) Both children were left in the swimming pool on holiday on their own, 'daddy stayed inside because he wouldn't go in the pool unless it was 25degrees or over'. DD said she went in to the villa a couple of times and he was watching videos of people having sex.
4) They woke up one morning to a strange woman in his bed, they had never seen her before, never seen her since.
5)They are sent out to play on the street while he 'entertains' lady friends in his flat. I have told them the dangers of being unsupervised on the street and they refuse to go out alone anymore, despite his encouragement.
6)He regularly hits them, as a form of discipline, clips around the head are most common.
7)I understand he has moved to a new flat, a 1 bedroomed place. He intends to have 2 single sofa beds in the kitchen diner/living room for them to sleep on during contact every other Friday and Saturday night. Is this suitable, shouldn't they be expected to have their own room for privacy at their ages?
8) DS very upset on return from contact last weekend. Said his dad doesn't pay him any attention, he is 'too busy texting, phoning women to have sex with'. We discussed ways he could try to use to bond more with his dad.

I just find it so sad, I want them to have a good relationship with their dad, but its like trudging through water. I've tried broaching the subject and he either denies it, says the children are lying, or finds some way to punish me for calling him up on his behaviour, he refused to return their passports back when I asked him not to let children play unsupervised on the street.

My friend, who is a child protection officer has said that letting them into this environment is unhealthy and a judge may well question why did I allow them to enter into this harmful environment. But I just don't know what to do, I don't want them not to have contact with their dad but I hate them being subjected to this.

Yes Keep I think you may be right, I'm going to speak to my solicitor and tell her I want to alert the authorities on this then like you say I'm removed and it he can be told independently from me that this behaviour has to stop and the damage it can/is doing to the children. I was concerned that the children would have to go through the upheaval of the interview but rather that than them going through more of the same.

I think if your daughter is saying when she is old enough she would like to tell her dad she is not going anymore then she might be ready to have that sort of interview with SS. You know your kids though.

You need to get social services involved. This is a child protection issue not a divorcing parents issue.

Made a decision, will be speaking to SS tomorrow. Thank you everyone you've made me see what needs to be done. Wish me luck!!

Wishing you lots of luck, it sounds like you have a great relationship with your children, all you need to do is reassure them that SS want to help them sort out their contact with their Dad and they should speak honestly about how things are. and , I do think you're doing the right thing.

My experience of how SS have been when they've had to talk to pupils of mine has been that they've been very careful to talk to them in a non-threatening way, and pupils have been fine afterwards (as in not traumatised by the process).

Not much to add OP as you've had great advice already just wanted to wish you luck getting everything sorted, your kids are lucky to have you in their corner and your ex is a self centred arse with the morals of an alley cat Hope things work out for the best and you get some decent support from SS

Thanks Keep, have had discussion with the DCs already. DD said she is looking forward to telling someone all about it, 'get it off my mind' she said. They didn't seem upset in the slightest, quite the contrary in fact (then said quite derogatory things towards him which I brushed over ). I told them whatever they want goes, their wants and needs go above anyone else's and not to worry about hurting anyone's feelings just tell them what they told me. That they need not be worried because this is to help protect them. I reminded them whatever happens I'm there a million percent and all ways will be. I was told that 'that mug we bought you that says 'best mum in the world' actually is because you are'.....little cuties.

Thanks fern...laughing at morals of alley cat .....so true!

Perfect preparation Unicorn. I didn't want to say, but my experience of children being given the opportunity to talk about things with someone 'neutral'/SS has been that they've been happier afterwards. Sometimes children are carrying an awful lot of crap round in their heads that they don't know how to deal with.

Social services might be able to arrange some counselling for your children so they can process what they've seen and how they feel.

Well just taken a call from SS, they have 'logged' the issue but wont need to take it any further just for the moment but advised me to 'monitor' it. She said as the children get older they can make their own choice whether or not they wish to go. Didn't seem concerned that the children were in any danger tbh.

My solicitor in the meantime has written him a stern letter stipulating the concerns and conditions and has said (after speaking with a barrister) that there are welfare issues but should let contact go ahead 2 more times and if any further issues come up we should take it to court to stop contact.

Not quite what I was expecting. If it was me who had different men sleeping in my bed under the same roof as the children or any of the other things he's done, I'm sure they'd follow it up. What a system!

That's a very poor response from social care OP. Did you provide them with a written account at all? You might want to provide them with a written timeline and include the name of the SW and details of the decision not to take it any further at present. Well done for tackling things

One bit of advice given up thread is incorrect, you can apply for a CAO yourself that requests the children live with you and that they have safe and appropriate contact with their father. On this form you can raise your concerns, and cafcass can order a section 7 safeguarding report. Or you can apply for a specific issue order. You're right to be cautious to stop contact completely, but you can use contact centres even without a court order. So keep contact, but make it as safe as possible for the children. A parenting course may not be a bad idea for him actually.

Don't underestimate the importance courts attach to contact. Children who are insecure about a natural parent & their identity tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional & behavioural problems later in life. So in most cases even if a parents behaviour leaves something to be desired by most people's standards the courts will order contact. You say SS would follow it up if you were having lots of men sleeping in your bed but that isn't true, lifestyle choices in themselves aren't a reason for the authorities to get involved. Prostitutes often have children living with them.

The courts weigh up any harm children suffer from the behaviour of a parent against the harm they suffer from loosing their attachment with the parent. When there is independent professional evidence children aren't surviving satisfactorily in the care of a parent the first consideration is what measures can be put in place to ensure their parenting is "good enough." A starting point is to talk to schools to see if they have any concerns about a child.

Your solicitor's advise is good. You need to try to resolve this without going to court if at all possible because of the ill feeling it will cause. There was a similar case that dragged on for years with contact being ordered throughout. Unilaterally stopping contact in all but the most exceptional cases clouds the issue because it's unclear where the problem lies, one parent's behaviour or the other's hostility. When there are concerns about children's welfare the correct thing to do is to apply to court so the court can investigate rather than stop contact.

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