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Legal matters

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Original poster

Ex is speeding with son in the car! What can be done?

61 replies

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 14:27

Hi there,

My little boy is 4. His dad and I have been separated for all of his life. He recently won what he wanted in a contact order in court to take my son a 3.5 hour drive away for a 1 night weekend stay every fortnight. The thing is, the father is a really reckless driver and cafcass wouldn't believe me without any evidence. I know he will be driving that long drive at 100 mph or faster with my wee man in the car. My son is already saying his daddy drives too fast.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there anything I can do? It's so difficult to prove, but I know it's going on and it's putting my wee one in danger ????

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2015 15:27

If you call 101 and say there might be someone speeding on the M1 on Friday afternoon, what do you think they're going to do?

I agree with pretend. What do you think they will do OP? Close the motorway? Issue a warrant?

I absolutley get how worried you are but I'm afraid, aside from driving him yourself, there's not much you can do

pretend · 09/08/2015 15:27

The things I have had to let go since divorce:

Co sleeping with a baby on the sofa
Leaving a baby alone in a paddling pool
Smoking with the kids in the car
Not dressing children weather appropriately
Not treating children when I'll
Refusing to take child to doctor when ill

Kills me, but there's absolutely nothing you can do.

Reginafalangie · 09/08/2015 15:30

Could you speak to him regarding his responsibility as a father to keep his child safe? I know it is a long shot if he is an arsehole but sometimes although rare, being a parent can change a person.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 15:31

I don't know how true it is, but another post on here a mother mentions telling the police and they pulled the driver over as a result. At least if he had points on his licence with a speed he was going then the caught might agree to me driving my son if he refuses my offer

OP posts:

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 15:32

Leaving a baby alone in a paddling pool!!! That's so dangerous!!

OP posts:

pretend · 09/08/2015 15:33

Why do you need his permission? Tell him you're doing the driving, then put your son in the car and go.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 15:34

Have tried talking. Usually just results in being lied to. I wish he could just be a lovely person who put our son first. Alas, this is not the case

OP posts:

pretend · 09/08/2015 15:34

Yes, but because the baby didn't drown, no one cares.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 15:39

And then if the baby did drown everyone will want to know why nothing was done despite your concerns!

The legal system for families is an absolute shambles!

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 09/08/2015 15:43

Are you sure he is still driving at these speeds with yours on in the car?

How do you know they are lies?

Not saying is don't believe you when you say he is a knob just that I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and you haven't been with this man for 4 years and you haven't seen/been in a car when he had yours on in there. So how do you know he is. Still driving dangerously?

My DP lost his licence aged 22 for DD. I allow him to drive my children around because he is now 42 and much more responsible and not the same person he once was. When he got his licence back he made sure he hasn't lost it again.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 15:52

Sensible comment Regina! I see where you are coming from.

An example of one lie is about two weekends ago he told me he was taking our son to the local zoo and was staying in a hotel nearby. I found out later on my sons return that he had hadn't been to the zoo and had taken him four hours away to stay at his girlfriends house who once drunkenly called me a 2am to say "your child is ugly" to me.

So he's pretty at ease with being a liar still. As well as being ok with having a girlfriend who says things like that about his son!

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 09/08/2015 16:13

That is pretty shit but all the same not evidence that he is driving at 100 mph with your son in the car.

Why hasn't he seen him for 4 years? Why did you have to go to court?

You don't have to answer by the way.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 16:24

No it's not evidence. It gives a feel for his character though. I know him pretty well and I have become very apt at predicting his behaviour over the years! If it turned out I was wrong i would be thoroughly happy. Overjoyed! I know the man though, and he is a certain type of person. Audi TT, motorbike, in the forces, high risk behaviour, very dishonest. The list goes on.

He has seen him over the last four years. We are separated but I haven't denied contact. I just always championed that I thought those journeys were too far on a regular basis for a young child so made him visit him in our town. He took me to court to have overnight visits fortnightly 3.5 hours drive away. I always facilitated some sort of contact.

OP posts:

pretend · 09/08/2015 17:04

My 67 year old mum drives an Audi TT...

Does the child seat fit in the back? I can't imagine squashing a seat in my mums.

Did you raise the point about his driving in court when the access was changed? What did they say?

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 17:14

Yes raised previous offences in court and he was made to promise that i can breathalyse him if I want to before he drives my son.

Unfortunately the drink driving was the only thing that has hard evidence so that was the only thing I could get restrictions on.

I think he'd need to be caught speeding with my son in the car in order for me to be able to raise it as a concern. Which is ridiculous really. The system is such that they won't believe you until something bad has already happened. The last thing I want to experience is an "I told you so" scenario with these people.

Re. Audi TT it's not a worry as a stand alone for example your mother. But it's a sum of everything and his character that all adds up to a worrying scenario. He has also arrived suspiciously early after having told me when he set off in the past too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 17:19

And no the seat doesn't fit in the back. He puts him in the front which is another thing I dislike but can do nothing about. He actually only bought the car a few months ago so would have thought he'd buy a child friendly one.

OP posts:

pretend · 09/08/2015 17:20

Can he switch off the air bag? I didn't think you could put child seats in the front unless the bag can be disabled.

RepeatAdNauseum · 09/08/2015 17:23

Have you looked into whether speeding with your son in the car would actually make a difference?

I think he could probably just say it was a one-off, and access would be very unlikely to be stopped or limited because of it. If he was a repeat offender, maybe, but he'd probably up his game after being stopped once and just make sure you had no way of proving it.

Does he have a lot of speeding tickets?

I do sympathise, this seems a horrible situation. As you've said, it's like waiting for your fears to come true.

I don't think there is anything wrong with an Audi TT, plenty of parents drive them, I have a coupé which can go fast but I drive like a sensible human being, as do most Audi TT drivers. Your ex is just a twat, he'd probably speed in whatever he drove.

Original poster

Gt006 · 09/08/2015 17:40

Good point pretend! I assumed all passenger airbags could be disabled, is that not the case?

Repeatadnausem I agree it wouldn't stop access, nor would I try to because it would be wrong of me to do so. It might mean he has to come to Consider other options of transport or just see him in our town which would stop the long miserable journeys for my son and make him safer.

I think with a good lawyer, the previous drink driving offences and being proven to speed with a child in the car would be enough to at least try to convince a judge that long journeys in his car are a bad idea.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 09/08/2015 19:03

Is it worth trying a private detective to see if they could follow him and obtain evidence of his speeding? I have no idea if this is feasible, it may be a stupid idea, but one phone call should clarify if it is possible and how much it would cost.

pretend · 09/08/2015 19:05

Are you joking?

In which parallel universe would this be happening??

specialsubject · 09/08/2015 19:10

with a record like that, does he have insurance? If he has declared that string of horrific offences, his premium will be sky high. If he hasn't, he's not insured....

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/08/2015 21:17

You have my sympathies, but until he is caught nothing is can be done. The UK family courts are reactive not proactive.
I knew my Ex was drink driving with DD in the car I had smelt it on him. Apart from writing a formal letter expressing my concern there was nothing I could do. However, once he was caught the book was thrown at him.

FiftyShadesOfSporn · 10/08/2015 08:49

I guess you could always follow his car with a GoPro in yours.

Pipkinhartley · 10/08/2015 17:54

I do understand your anxiety over this but I doubt a private detective would agree to follow him and obtain evidence of speeding seeing as they would likely commit a speeding offence themselves! ( likewise so would you if you followed him with a GoPro)
Specialsubject makes a good point re insurance, have you checked to make sure he is insured? ( you can check this easily and legitimately.)

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