Advice please - Court summons for increased access

[NaamahDust]

I have been a single parent since the birth of my daughter who is nearly 6. Her father is registered on the birth certificate and has had regular access to her since she was born. He requested every Sunday day - so I granted him that. A few years later he then "offered" to help mid-week and since then also has her every Wednesday evening into Thursday morning. He then asked to have her every other Saturday night, which I also granted. (this has now somehow turned into every Saturday night). He asked for additional time with her in the school holidays, which I have granted.

However his most recent request has been for 50-50 split in the holidays, which I have not granted. I have retrained as a teacher (leaving a significantly better paid job) so that there was someone to care for her during this time. I have no family nearby and he had never given an indication that he would want to share the time.
He suggested mediation as a precursor to taking me to court. I agreed, made an appointment, but had to postpone it as they wanted the full fee up front and I did not (nor still do) have the money to pay it. I was intending to go during the next school holiday, however I have today received a court summons.

My question is: how likely is he to get the 50-50? He states his reason being to spend more time with his family, yet she sees his family (which are local) every fortnight, and sees my family only three times a year on average. I know the courts are trying to be very pro-father, so am I onto a losing battle? He also has plenty of money for solicitors, legal advice etc which I do not. Will the courts recognise this or is he going to be able to effectively buy what he wants? I do not qualify for legal financial assistance as I work.

Also any advice as to how to act in court - i.e. what sort of things to say, and what not to say?

Many thanks in advance.

Split holidays are normal and whatever you do don't go into court saying you "granted" him "access".

Fair point, thank you nomoretether.

It's typical to split in half holidays all school holidays. Given that don't you think it's worth trying for mediation rather than the stress and cost of further court action when there's the strong chance iit will be granted.

Have you already refused him this request? Is there any need to go to mediation?

What's in the best interests of your daughter?

I don't really understand your reason for saying no? It seems like a natural progression to me, contact has gradually increased over time and its not unusual for holidays to be split 50/50.

It will be granted. You have no reason that benefits your daughter, not to facilitate it.

Thanks all for your replies - I wasn't sure how common place the 50-50 holiday split was as I know plenty of separated parents for whom this is not the case, so was simply going by experience.

3xcookedchips - agreed, the mediation is definitely the better option, and I agreed to attend. However they rang 2 days before the appointment asking for the money there and then and I did not have it. I have since had an assessment done by the bank and even they have said they can't find any way for me to reduce my outgoings, so it will take me time to save up. As far as I was aware, the plan was still to go to mediation but the court papers appeared today through the post. I'm still happy to go, and can borrow the money, assuming it's still an option - which I assume now?

GreenGoblin0 - I guess part of the problem is precisely that, all the access arrangements have been decided by him, in the early days he just wanted Sundays with her. So I prepared for a life based on this. Now that she's more fun (?) / easier to look after, now he wants the extra time. Perhaps I'm frustrated that she wasn't deemed important enough to have wanted this during the first 6 years, and now he does.

(end of para 2 should have said "- which I assume NOT", no idea how to edit on this thing)

I understand your frustration, but I think the best option is to borrow the money for mediation. All the advice I have had is that the courts will grant split holidays, the best you can do is argue for this to be built up gradually or discuss the best way to introduce this.

Can I just check - he has her midweek and every weekend Saturday overnight and all day Sunday?

I think from your point of view you need to say that you and your dd need quality time together too. You would accept 50:50 holidays if it was only a EoW arrangement. Otherwise when exactly are you getting to spend "pleasure" time with your dd?

You could write to his solicitor (you don't need to use one) explaining that you are happy to go to mediation but can't afford it until x, unless your Ex is happy to cover the full costs? If he says no then it does show that his motivation is perhaps not about spending more time with his dd?

Does he pay maintenance? Do you think there could be a financial motivation behind his increased demands? Does your dd have a great relationship with him?

RandomMess - thank you for your reply. Yes, he does indeed have her midweek, and every weekend Saturday overnight until 6pm on Sunday. we do indeed need quality time together which is why I retrained as a teacher so we could do that in the holidays.
The midweek thing also causes issues during the holidays as if we want to visit my family, it's a 200 mile trip so takes half a day there and then half a day back travelling, leaving just one day there before having to turn round again with the restriction in place. When we do visit he allows us to go over the Wed, but demands the "missed" night back at another point. When we discussed the arrangement, the agreement was midweek during term-times only for that is very reason.
The Saturday night was also supposed to be once a fortnight but has turned into every Saturday. This is why - although I have agreed plenty of extra ad-hoc time during the holidays (he had her for two full weeks over the summer in addition to the usual Wed and Saturday / Sunday) - I won't agree any more formal arrangements with him, as the ones we already agreed have been changed and I don't want to risk that happening again.

Thanks for the suggestion regarding contact with his solicitor, I'll check the court papers. I've already sent a message to the mediators to follow-up my appointment with them (my parents will lend me the money).

He does pay maintenance. I can't think of a financial motive - he has plenty of money, I have none! I have my opinions as to some of his motivation and it's nothing to do with my daughter. He's been to court before - he has an older child with another woman, and he took her to court a few years back. So he's a bit of a pro...

My daughter appears to have a fairly good relationship with him, it's tricky to say because a lot of the time that he has with her he takes her to his sister's so he's not actually spending it with her! (It is, of course, brilliant that she sees his side of the family so regularly, she has cousins a similar age there). I wouldn't say it was particularly close, whereas my daughter and I are very close - partly because it's just us two here, and also because she's very like me at the same age and so I understand her foibles!

I would write to your ex via the solicitor that you need quality time with your dd too and suggest alternative arrangements. See it as negotiation.

Worst case scenario is that you end up with 50:50 residency midweek to midweek...

Thanks BluebellTuesday, I will indeed be speaking to my parents to borrow the money. I didn't realise it was so urgent the first time otherwise I could have done then. Do you think I need to let the court know that I'm still doing the mediation? (as in the court papers her father has claimed I have "refused" to attend mediation, which is not the case)

Yes, I missed that it was every Sat-Sun overnight. I would argue for EOW, def. I have always been told the courts would uphold that. To be honest, it sounds like a formal arrangement could also work in your favour. EOW and half the holidays, which would give you uninterrupted time. You can argue for the summer hols to be taken in separate week blocks.
Can you get the money to speak to a solicitor yourself?

Thanks RandomMess, I will go and check if the details are on the papers.
He's stated he has no interest in residency thankfully (which is telling in itself, it would cramp his style to have a resident child) plus not long after she was born he moved from just down the road to a different borough, so she would be part-living nowhere near her school or her friends or her after-school activities.

I like your thinking BluebellTuesday. (I assume EOW means every other weekend?) We've not done that before as we both had activities prior to her being born that we could keep doing if we alternated days rather than weekends, however if agreeing to that would mean I could drop the midweek during the holidays it's definitely worth considering. I did suggest EOW to him once and didn't get a reply (and it was after that he started formal proceedings against me...)

Xpost, sorry. I am in a different jurisdiction, where I am you can still reach agreement even if proceedings are underway. I would be very surprised if you can't still attend mediation, but I don't know.

I actually think a formal agreement would work in your favour, if he does not want residency. You could argue for full weekends EOW and full weeks in the holidays as long as he was granted that too, and you would have more uninterrupted time with DD. Then he could not change the goalposts.

Xpost and I am repeating myself too, sorry!!

Is it him who wants to increase access, or his sister? Is his home actually suitable for a child? Does he have 50:50 in the holidays with his older child?

I agree that every weekend is unfair on the resident parent, and the midweek only manageable provided he can keep to her school routine and she doesn't have to be up crazy early to get there from his house.

I would agree, though, that your language is not helpful. He 'allows' you to take the Wednesday if you need to visit family but 'demands' it back at another time - actually that's a perfectly reasonable compromise. Wouldn't you want the day if you were in his shoes? I certainly think, however, that dropping that Wednesday in return for week blocks in the holidays the right thing to go for, it's highly inconvenient.

The more overnights he has his dd the less maintenance he is obliged to pay if you go via CSA.

What do you think is behind his motivation as it may help you negotiate an agreement more easily.

Will he be working over the holidays too OP or would he be taking time off for when he has her?

I don't really understand why a court would grant 50/50 during the holidays if OP was off all holiday and he would potentially be working so wouldn't be spending that time with her.

Tribpot - I'm not sure, you've got me thinking now. He most definitely does not have his other child that much, in fact my daughter has never even met her sister. He used to have his other child every Saturday (hence the every Sunday for my daughter when she was born) but that stopped a long time ago. I don't know why, only that he took the mother to court a few years back. Since then he seems to have little contact with his other child (who will be around 14 now).
His home is - I assume - suitable. His previous home which I saw during our brief dalliance was, he has since moved into a bigger property (kept the old and rented it out) and from what I can gather from my daughter it's a decent enough place for her - she has her own room, a large garden, bikes, clothes etc. (yes, he insists on keeping separate clothes for her!!)
I take the point about the language, the whole thing is very emotive and I'm trying to be clam and as rational as I can considering how subjective the matter is, but you are right that my choice of words is unwise. Note to self to be more careful! I think the reason I query why he asks for the Wed night back is that he's not missing time with her, by the time he collects her and gets home it's bedtime, and then she goes to school in the morning. But yes, it's a valid point, thank you.

RandomMess - that's an interesting point re: CSA although I'm not concerned with his money here at the moment. I have felt like he was "accumulating" overnight access time with her for a greater purpose, I wonder if this is it?

I think some of the motivation is personal - without going into a mudslinging match here (no right of reply after all) he's always been resentful of the fact that I have coped as a single parent without having to go to him for help (something he assured me I would do - he claimed to have friends that found it really hard and I would be, quote "ringing him up crying on the phone for him to come over"). There have been many instances in the past of him reacting badly when he hasn't been in complete control of someone or something (which I witnessed prior to my pregnancy), a fault he himself confessed. He also had a bad relationship with his ex (the mother of his other child) and took her to court and doesn't seem to see the other child much anymore, so I think he's taking out his resentment there on me / us. He's trying to prove a point.

Strawberry Gashes - this is something I would like to know myself! When we were on more amicable terms, he was in fulltime employment. I think he has possibly moved to part-time (at the very least has far more flexible hours) and started his own business which would of course mean he could chose not to work in the holidays if he didn't want to. It would still mean reduced income though.

I believe his sister doesn't work in the holidays so suspect he would be using her for childcare as well - and whilst I love that my dauhter is close to his family, I don't see why it should be at the expense of time with me. I retrained for precisely this reason - had he given an indication previously that he was going to be interested in holiday access I would have stayed in my much better paid and far less stressful job!

It's a shame about the mediation as it sounds as if there is actually a fair amount of common ground. You could try to still do it but it could easily be presented as a delay tactic and you'd have to go for the directions hearing anyway. I think at that point there will be a CAFCASS officer who can do some limited mediation, that might help.

I also think you would gain by having a full weekend every fortnight and if it is 50/50 in the holidays then the holiday midweek wouldn't be a problem either. EOW and a midweek tea and half the holidays is fairly standard and you'd need a cast-iron child centred reason to oppose. This would not include objections to the suitability of his house, who he decides to spend time with, or the arrangements he has with other DC's.

Also I'll just point out that if you think you'll have a long lazy summer holiday with nothing to do but chill out with your DD when you become a teacher you've got a big shock coming! In many ways, having blocks of clear, child-free time in the holidays to work means that your half of the holiday can be real quality time. Win win.