Ex threatening court action for "custody"

[Overtiredbackagain]

So I posted a month ago about STBXH threatening to get "custody" of our two DC. This is all because I am in a new relationship, of which I have introduced the DC to very carefully and they are very happy about.

Following his threats, I consulted a solicitor so confirmed that, although it is his right to apply, under the circumstances (he does not contribute financially, he lives with his parents where there is no room for two DC to live, he does not currently work) his claim would have no substance. I pay for everything including expensive after school child care in order that we could both work.

The divorce will be finalised in a couple of weeks. His application included our agreement that the DC reside with me, but I work damn hard at ensuring he gets a lot of quality time with them. He sees them during the week after school until I get home, when I collect them and take them home to bed. Then most weekends I have one day with DC where he doesn't see them, then the other day he will spend a few hours with them. On occasions I have said they would like sleepovers, it's dependant on his social life and hobby

So Saturday night, 11pm, I had a phone call to say Ex had been out, paralytic drunk, and bumped into new man's father, where ex tried to get in a fight with him. Then followed 2 hours of phone calls to me from ex screaming abuse, making threats if violence to new man, and again threatening to "go for custody". I apparently used to take drugs 20 years ago and that is enough for me to lose DC to him I have never taken drugs in my life!

I have been advised (solicitor also told me this) that I should register a complaint to police against him, but I am scared of making the situation worse, but then I can't even leave the house now without looking over my shoulder and feel I am being watched.

I have been completely honest with DC about ex's behaviour over last few weeks, and as much as they love him and enjoy sleepovers etc, they do not want to live with him.

So what do I do? I pay for everything and just scrape through the end of the month, I have no savings, I rent our house. I can't afford to pay high solicitors costs. My friend said I should sit tight and wait for his solicitor to write to me, then see a solicitor, cos it could just be him blowing hot and cold, but I can't live like this, he is making me ill but ultimately the only people he will hurt are the DC and that breaks my heart

Shameless bumping

Poor you. Your ex sounds unhinged. Definitely report his behaviour to te police as this could help in any future court case. His behaviour is threatening and in no way acceptable. Not sure if it's applicable to you but if he's harassing you, you could file a non-molestation order to keep him away.

Has he got a history of getting into fights? Do you feel there's any risk to you or the children?

I think you're making things too easy for him and he appears to think he can bully you. Might be worth thinking about using a contact centre in future too.

I have spoken to the Police and they are coming out to take a statement from me later tonight/tomorrow. Ex was cautioned about 6 years ago after getting drunk and lashed out at me. I do not feel he would risk lashing out at me again, and definitely not the children, but I still feel extremely nervous walking out of my own front door.

I can't even talk to my own family since he turned them against me and they support him. Every time something happens in his life, even when it is nothing to do with me, he runs off to my mum, its just weird. I've learnt to live without their support because I've had to, but I would never treat my children the way my family have treated me.

I've spent months trying to keep it amicable and trying to placate him, I have bent over backwards trying to help him find a job, I even paid for his sodding car tax last week because he said he had no money (then spent most of the weekend in the pub!) - I'm such a mug aren't I?

I can see now I have done myself no favours at all and probably made the situation worse, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm just scared of losing the DC, even though I have done nothing wrong

Don't give him anything else and keep all communication written between you

Firstly, contact women's aid for legal advice.

Thanks all. I will keep everything written from now on. I have just written out plans I have with DC over the next six weeks and suggestions of when he would like to have sleepovers etc, I've signed the bottom of the page too after advice from someone at work.

Will Women's Aid be able to help? I've obviously naïve as I thought they were a refuge?

You feel you are being watched and can't even leave the house without looking over my shoulder.

Women's Aid offer a number of different services, not only refuges. They will be able to offer you support and advice over the phone - 0808 2000 247.

Do let us know how it goes with the police Overtired.

I should have put "You feel you are being watched and can't even leave the house without looking over your shoulder." Either way, that sounds terrible.

I feel like I am blowing all this out of proportion, but surely I am allowed to get on with my own life. I want to be fun, happy mummy, not miserable and worrying about whether he could be granted residency of them?

Am I being such a bad parent? I always wanted him to have enough money to be able to do stuff with the DC, which is why he has never paid anything, I just want him to concentrate on being a good dad to them, rather than spending his time abusing me, which the DC now see, my DS heard the abuse he gave me on the phone the other night. I have been honest with them, but they don't want to live with him, they just want to see him like they do now.

I just feel crap

From the information you've given, I cannot see that he would be granted residency (or to be more accurate, be listed as the person the children live with on a Child Arrangements Order).

How old are the children? I'm not sure being "completely honest" with them about their fathers behaviour is necessarily the best idea. If it's distressing you, they must be distressed by it too - they can't make sense of it the way adults can. By all means keep them safe but they don't need to know the details.

Thanks Nomoretether, I do understand what you are saying, I will try and distance them from the situation, although DS asked why his daddy was shouting at me on the phone. They are 9 and 5 and have handled the separation OK (I think!). They are both doing better at school than since when we were together, I kept them at the same school when we moved although we are probably a 20 minute drive away, I wanted them to have stability and as much normality as possible.

I just wanted to explain to you all as well that I left my relationship with ex because I was very unhappy, there is a long thread on here somewhere about the whole situation (I just don't know how to link!), I had some fantastic support on here through the dark times - I just wish now, a year later, life should be moving forward, not backwards

Someone kick me up the bum!??

OP I remember your thread. Despite your efforts to make your split as amicable/conflict free as possible, you are still dealing with your ex's issues to your detriment. You need to stop thinking along the lines of not doing anything to make things worse, to thinking you need to take steps to protect you & DC from your ex's at best erratic behaviour and threats to your current set up.

Follow through with the police report, keep contact with him to a minimum, stick to email for communication re DC and if necessary change your numbers/keep a separate mobile for his calls/texts if you need that form of communication with him. I'm not a lawyer so can't comment on his threats over court but I cannot imagine the courts would be too keen to uproot your DC from the current set up, when you have described a safe, stable set up with lots of contact with their dad. But best to get the proper legal advice to be sure.

Thanks Tension. I had a consultation with a solicitor last week, who said that, although it is ex's right to try for "residency", he would unlikely be successful, at best he would be granted joint residency, but with the DC allowed to sleep 2 out of 12 days, until his circumstances change (if that makes sense?!) He has been threatening this for months now, so I am thinking that I will wait until I receive communication from his solicitor, before I take the next step with instructing mine - I do feel that he is just threatening this to hurt me as opposed to actually doing it? Although I earn a fair wage, it is just enough to support myself and DC, theres nothing left for any treats really, let alone paying for expensive solicitor time, although I would of course find the money if it came to it, I'll pay on a credit card or something.

Do you think I've done the right thing about a list of dates etc for the children? Its just basically a list of dates I have plans with DC, dates of sleepovers he has already agreed to, and important dates like Fathers Day etc that I think they should be with him etc. It only covers the next 6 weeks, I will do it again when that runs out. I have dated and initialled it in case I need to produce it, surely it will show how fair I am being, whether he decides to spend time with the DC or go fishing, that's up to him?

IME there is no harm in trying to put things into a more structured, organised & planned set up, and if you can demonstrate your efforts to get contact agreed then I can't see that doing your chances in court any harm at all. But you'll either know from experience or you'll come to learn that you cannot force him to agree. I would imagine that any refusal to engage in arranging/agreeing contact would help his chances of getting anywhere with residency.

Just keep good, detailed, dated records of everything you do in trying to organise contact and hopefully that will at least demonstrate to the court that you are putting the wants & needs of your DC 1st, which is the main concern of the courts afaik.

Sorry, wouldn't help his chances.

I have never refused any contact, it is always me that has encouraged it at much as possible. In fact, it is me that takes the DC to him and collects them from him again afterwards.

The DC are my life, aside from work, any arrangements I make includes them, unless they are with Ex. I have no independent social life, in the last 7 months, if I have gone out, it is with them.

I always try and include Ex to have them during the half term breaks etc, when I cannot get time off, otherwise they go to holiday club. It is always me that has time off with them when they are sick.

With the list of dates, I just want to be able to prove he has every opportunity to be the dad that he should be. My only dilemma is how much information I need to give him ie. I am taking DC to LEGOLAND for the weekend in June as a birthday treat for them both, its taken me months to save for it - do I tell him where we are going, or should I just say we are away for the weekend.

I don't think you need that level of detail for him or court but it doesn't do any harm to keep that in your own notes should it ever be challenged. Again, I'm not a lawyer but I would imagine that if your ex ever did issue proceedings to take this to court in order to get 'custody' then where he's refused to engage in making regular arrangements or not agreed to proposals but not made his own suggestions/proposals, I'd be wondering why he's going for residency when your records would show his lack of interest/involvement/effort to see his DC as much as you suggest.

The basic minimum you need to do is facilitate the relationship your DC have with your ex. That can range from you doing nothing but respond to and agree with requests made by your ex, to you doing all the organising/arranging/cajoling to make it happen. Again, in my unqualified view, you are doing all that so I can't see how that would work against you or undermine the stability of the current residency set up you have with your DC.

It's the 'oldest trick in the book' for an abusive person to threaten the one thing that they know matters more than anything to them. Your DC clearly are your main priority and your ex knows this very well. His threat is just that, a threat. I think you are right to not concern yourself too much until he actually issues court proceedings, but be smart about keeping your records in order and continuing with your efforts to facilitate your DCs' relationship with their dad, but in a way that doesn't compromise your own safety & well being. In other words, just keep doing what you are doing and don't let any aggressive/threatening/erratic behaviour pass without you taking the appropriate legal stance required to protect you/your DC.

Again, I'm not legally qualified, so not in a position to know how this all plays out in court.

Haven't had to go to the police about an ex myself, but have gone along as hand-holder/moral support. The whole thing was very calmly and professionally handled and a phone call or visit from a uniformed copper tends to give your typical bully/abuser a revised sense of entitlement. Or put the fear of the deity of your choice into him. Either works.

Thank you everyone!

I will just continue with what I am doing for now and keep a record of all dates etc and any communication between us. I will see the police this week with regards to making a statement, and they have said that if he threatens me again or continues to harass I can ask them to have a "polite word" with him.

Its just so hard - I used to love this man to the stars and back, and now I can just see a bitter man who can't or won't take any responsibility

I'd suggest asking for the polite word to start with. Waiting for another incident is just one incident more than you should really have to suffer.

You're probably right Kisses, not much point delaying the inevitable

report to police each and every time.
if he does file an application to court, you will then have all the reference numbers etc.
also if another incident, get witness names, details etc.

if he gets aggressive on phone say "I have to go bye" and put phone down.

I've been far too easy to manipulate, haven't I?

Apart from everything else, I really don't think you should be financially supporting this abusive man.
You sound really nice and you are obviously doing everything for your children's sake, but there must be a limit. Does he need a car? What's wrong with public transport?

Thanks Mexican, the DC are my world and they deserve to have both parents equally in their lives. They come first for everything.

A friend, who knows us both, asked me yesterday whether I realised Ex behaviour is nothing new as the controlling behaviour was something she witnessed.

Ironically he is back to being Mr. Nice Guy again today but I don't trust him and never will. The Police are coming round tonight to take my statement so I'll see what they say.

I feel like I've made a complete hash of the last year, the two people who I feared it would affect the most seem to have adapted really well and that is the DC.