Aibu? Need to know from a legal perspective.

[honey86]

I had alot of upset and issues after i split with my psychologically abusive ex when i was expecting. I gave birth but he was with someone else. At 1 month old, i offered to let him see ds. He accepted but then cancelled saying hes taking it to court. At 2 months he asked to see ds after all. It started off an hour each week and we planned to gradually increase it over time and once things are going well then to make it just him and ds.
It started well and it went to 2hrs with me attending. But over the last 2 months hes started slipping back to his old ways, playing mind games, gaslighting and telling me off for what happened between us before. He hasnt requested anymore time with ds til now.

He now wants day contact unsupervised. Thinks i should trust him by now and that ds is used to him as much as everyone else.

This is why im not happy about it- hes been in his sons life for 3 months at just 2hrs a week in a public place therefore i feel its too soon.
- ds is 5 months and gets upset if seperated from me for more than about an hr.
- his behaviour is getting impulsive and controlling, and im worried itll have an effect on ds.
- i think its too much of a leap for ds, going 2hours with mummy to a day with daddy so rapidly.
- admittedly i dont feel ready to leave ds with him especially as he tried to maliciously have my kids taken from me less than a year ago (as revenge for ending the relationship) And hes not allowed contact with his other dc for his abusiveness.

Sorry for the long post but am i being unreasonable to refuse this at this time? In the eyes of family law? Hes started his court threats again. Ive tried to be as flexible as possible, even giving him a lift when hes been late for contact.
I feel like ive been accommodating considering how hes behaved so far. Would a court make me do what hes demanding, or would i get into trouble if i refuse? Im so confused

Not a lawyer, and have no idea how the courts would rule, they can be surprising. But he's more likely to threaten court action than to actually go through with it; there's no Legal Aid available in his situation and it would cost a fortune. Does he have the financial resources?

The fact he's not allowed contact with other dcs would work against him, though.

He says he just needs to pay the 215 pound for the contact order and represent himself, that hearings etc is all included in the price. He works full time so he could probably stump up that payment.
Im just waiting for the whole smear campaign to start again, where he tells everyone im using ds. And apparently im unstable so im pretty sure he'll do what he can to kick up a fuss. So im trying to prepare myself x

Your concerns seem justifiable, OP. As long as you have a basis for your concerns (and it seems from your comments that you do) then you shouldn't be criticised for refusing unsupervised contact at this early stage in your son's life. It might be best if he does take it to court, tbh. At least then there is the possibility of investigation into your ex's behaviour and whether unsupervised contact is in your son's best interests. If contact is ordered, it would have to start slowly and carefully, which will test his commitment to the whole concept too. It also takes the agonising away from you, as you don't have to make the decision yourself.

Help hes doing it again! He sent me a barrage of abusive text messages because i refused this, and because i havent agreed to put him onthe birth certificate yet (it was planned that i would sign a pr agreement once things have been going consistently well for a decent length of time, so i can trust he wont go back to his old ways). He says that - on seeing ds for 2hrs a week for 3 months - he has proved himself enough.

He went on to tell me alot of things that ive done to wrong him in the past, how bad ive made him feel. I told him the reason why i consulted my solicitor was cos of the things he was saying and doing.
Next thing i know he texts me to cancel contact, say he doesnt think we should be in contact and mediators will be in touch. He recently got a solicitor re his dd so i think hes basically on a power trip and wants to control me via court. Cos he knows i cant afford a solicitor.

Im funny about the bc for a reason ( that his behaviour is abusive, controlling, impulsive, vengeful and not in ds best interests, purely based on fathers rights-to prove a point). He said he is going to 'get what all fathers should have'. And i fear he will refuse to give ds back out of spite, whenever i dont do what he wants. Hes already done a malicious ss report.

Ive told him that its not personal that im doing it in a way and pace that i feel is best for ds emotionally and because hes only a few months old.
But he just exploded and verbally bashed me said see you in court and i out of order im being. He knew i was crying but kept on going.
I havent replied anymore cos i couldnt take anymore. I feel numb and traumatised.

What are the courts likely to do with me? Will they force the bc thing? Am i going to get in trouble? Im scared

You won't get into any trouble. If these were messages keep them. Email yourself a copy or screen shot of you can. Let him take you to court. There is likely to be mediation first that is fine. Just keep your emotions in check and make all communications from now on via email so that you have a record of it all.
Don't get into mud slinging with him and just keep it clear that you don't feel it is in ds best interest right now to jump from 2 hours supervised to a whole day unsupervised. That you have always agreed this was what you were working towards when you are both confident that hw is able to meet a young babies needs for that length of time.

He's now asking to see ds again i dunno what to do its not ideal that ds is around this kindof atmosphere but hes not at risk of immediate harm so wouldnt it go against me if i refused at the mo?

It wouldn't go against you any more than him being abusive and threatening court rather than working with you to come to a sensible agreement will go against him. If he is refusing contact with his DC that will definitely go against him. You won't need a solicitor especially - lots of people represent themselves.

I disagree with the BC part though. If he's the father, he should be on the birth certificate and the court will just make it so that he is on there - he won't have to prove anything or that he is safe, just a DNA test to prove he is the dad if you were to say he wasn't. PR doesn't really do much for him in practise - if he was to keep your son outside of agreed contact times, you would get an emergency hearing and your DC would be returned to you, and again it would go against him. PR is not a "privilege" he should have to earn.

2 hours supervised to a full day unsupervised is a big leap. He's unlikely to get the court to agree to that tbh. Can't see how old your DC is but 2 hours supervised would likely become 2 hours unsupervised and then built gradually over a period of time eg 3 hours for 2-4 weeks, 4 hours for 2-4 weeks etc. Then full days for 4 weeks or so before starting overnight stays.

When you said he's not allowed contact with his other DCs - is that the decision of the mother or court/Social Services? If the latter then I would definitely let him take you to court.

Sorry i shouldve clarified.ds is five months. Ex was absent for most of the pregnancy and the first 2 months. The mother was the one that stopped contact saying he was verbally abusive (he really is) and that he drinks/takes drugs. She offered him to work with her over contact last year (i saw the message) but he told her see u in court. Mediation didnt work for them. Social services ran their checks during the pregnancy and said judging by his behaviour maybe it was better that he wasnt around. They tried to phone him on 2 occasions at the time but he was uncontactable so they discharged the case as no concerns with me. Hope that helps x

Let him issue proceedings. In the paperwork he'll be asked if he has been involved in other proceedings concerning a child. He has to disclose this. If he doesn't you can bring it to the attention of the court. Get as much written evidence as you can, print off screenshots, emails etc. You can't record phone calls.

If mediation get in contact tell them about his abusive and controlling behaviour and why you'd be worried about meeting with him.

Hes just given me an ultimatum. Give him pr and change ds surname to his. Or he'll take action i have to give him my choice by 2pm tomorrow or he'll 'make the call' i feel trapped n panicky what the hell does he have up his sleeve

He sounds like a bully. From what prior posters have said about going to court, I'd say let him try it. You've already had SS do an investigation, and they sided with you! Why wouldn't the court agree with SS? He can say what he likes, it doesn't make it so.

Do stay strong, and keep on doing what you're doing.

Ignore him. Let him go to court. Did he give you this ultimatum via email or text? Save it. As earlier posters said, do not have any verbal contact with him - only email. Report any concerns about abusive, bullying behaviour to mediation. Keep all evidence of this.

Please don't be taken in by his bullying!

Stick to your guns and fight him.

I agree, don't let him bully you. Make sure that you file print-outs of all his messages in court proceedings. Go to a Law Centre for advice and help.

Can you contact SS who dealt with the issue of his other children and see if they'll support you?

I'd give him PR. Its not worth the fight, the court will just give it to him anyway.

Don't think a court would order a change of name in his favour so I wouldn't agree to that.

I wouldn't offer unsupervised at this point but I would offer a proposal of increasing contact (perhpas over a slighly longer timescale than i posted above) based on your comment that you don't believe DS is at risk of harm from his dad.

I would also warn him that if he continued to abuse me I would go to the police.

I offered to give him pr n surname change and more contact on the basis that i get a residence order, (ds lives with me anyway but i want it down on paper so he has to return ds. He told me a while back he was going to take his dd and flee but she stopped contact before he had the chance hence why i dont trust his motives). So i want the legal backup to prevent that. Just to put on paper that he lives with me and must be returned after contact. Hes flat out refusing saying hell fight that all the way. Im offering him most of what he wants as long as i have something in place to protect ds, basically but hes refusing wont tell me why and thats really a red flag for me. Surely if he doesnt have an ulterior motive he wouldnt be going ballistic about that? Do u see where im coming from?

Do not change your child's surname unless ordered to do so by a court (highly unlikely). This would mean that his name and the child's would be the same on any future passport, and makes it less likely that port authorities would question him.

I think his ulterior motive is that he wants to hurt, bully and punish you. Stop offering him things that a court will not order. Make him take you to court. He is not a reasonable or kind person or parent - he threatened to kidnap his other child. He is an abusive bully.

Are you still taking his calls? Are you printing out threatening and unreasonable emails and texts?

What do you think is his motive?

No, its all via text one of which tells me to choose and choose wisely i do what hes asking or i 'do things the hard way'. I think his motive is mostly control and to prove a point. Imagine one of the fathers 4 justice thugs throwing his weight around. Thats him. He seems to be very angry and bitter about women. Had mysogynistic views. And hes very very difficult to reason with x

Don't waste your time trying to reason with him....don't respond at all, or just that he should do what he thinks he needs to do, and wait for him to make the application. You should hear from meditation first, and that may be worth a go, but if you feel it just won't work because you will feel intimidated by him, then you are not obliged to go and no-one will think the less of you for it.

Stay calm, and remember that you are only acting in your child's best interests. Good luck x

Good, save all communications. Let him do things the hard way!

Don't give him what he wants- let him have enough rope to tie himself in knots of threats if he does have the bottle to get to court. No judge (surely ) would give him immediate unsupervised contact based on his history.

I'd get a residence order yourself if you can though just in case he does try to take him.

You should not give your child who is in your care someone else's surname. No way. He is not the boss of you.

You cannot be expected to communicate in response to threats, blackmailing and ultimatums, and by text!

I would ignore him and continue to offer the 2 hour meetings.

Definitely do not offer pr and especially name change! Do you really think this man will be being a stable positive influence in your DS's life in 10 years time? Why should you have a child with the name of a man you don't trust and don't like? Why on earth should your child be required to change his name/ You are his family, he has your name!

As a matter of interest, does his concern for his DS extend to paying maintenance?

Log and save every text, and keep a detailed diary of his contact - all the times he misses, or is late.

There is no sense in him declining contact on the basis of wanting more time!

Ignore his bullying and controlling.