Dad seeks advice!

[Pluto69]

First time here so HI!

Here's the story,

My partner and I have separated although still living together waiting for house sale ( not great but not terrible ) My X is refusing me fifty percent care of my daughter stating that I can have her 167 nights per year. Oddly enough this just keeps me above the CSA discount threshold and means I am a night a month above the threshold! My x will not give a reason as to why she wishes to keep me on 167 nights despite me asking multiple times.

My x also works shifts and has told me I will need to work around a five week care pattern with me having our daughter 3 out of the five weekend so that she can provide a suitable shift pattern to her employer. I have been doing this and love having my daughter. I don't believe it's overly good for our daughter ( aged two and a half) but I have been going with it to keep the peace.

I have now got to the point where I feel extremely angry that I'm not " allowed " fifty fifty care but am expected to work around her shifts in terms of my daughters care. I work 8-4 Monday to Friday and feel like I'm being abused somewhat for doing so.

I am thinking of just refusing to work around her shifts and written to her to say that I intend to change the pattern to a fairer system that doesn't just work around what she wants. I have had no response at all which is the same as my request for 5050 care.

I wanted your views and thoughts as its very hard to see into the goldfish bowl when your swimming around inside it!!

Many thanks to anyone who has read this far

Mike.

PS. I am on the birth certificate and have had equal contact, care , financial input etc since my daughter was born. I have no criminal record and have no skeletons in the cupboard. I am a professional bloke who just wants what's fair.

If a father refuses contact just because he thinks he's being used as a babysitter then he'll get to see his children less. He's just putting his injured pride before the needs of his children, and if his contact is reduced and mum gets used to coping with other child care arrangements the court is unlikely, IME, to grant him anything as generous in contested proceedings.

That is very good advice from Collaborate and OP would be wise to bear it in mind.

I wholeheartedly agree that arrangements should never be changed on the whim of either parent. As Collaborate points out, that's clearly not the issue here. The OP's ex does shift work which is always difficult to mix with childcare, but there are two parents here and OP is simply being asked to fit in with work arrangements. He is having plenty of quality time with his daughter and he is clearly in a position to do co-operate - so what is the real reason he wants to be obstructive?

Parents need to put their emotions and resentments firmly to one side in discussing arrangements for children. It's hard, yes, but not impossible.

If the situation was reversed and he was doing shift work while she worked 8-4 would anyone agree with her saying she felt she was "being abused"? Why is it only NRP dads and their new partners who refer to arrangements for children as "babysitting" or "childcare"?

It's unacceptable to view the fulfilment of parental responsibility in that way.

When the child starts school, OP will find his 8-4 hours aren't nearly as convenient for the infant school run. He needs to think about the future. There are many years of parenting ahead, and both parents will need to work together to adapt to changes in their child's needs and potential changes to work patterns for both of them.

It makes no sense at all to take such an entrenched position for no good reason this early on.

Olgaga - do you happen to have any handy links to websites/organistions that may be able to advise/help in his situation.

The OP is not an NRP.

The OP is being dictated by the mother who is refusing to communicate from a position of dominance.

The OP is trying work out a solution where he can 'parent' his child(ren) without being at the mercy or whim of the mother.

'He is having plenty of quality time ' - OP you should be happy with what you got, you lucky guy...

3x
I think OP has had some excellent advice on this thread and I've nothing to add really.

However if you need some advice, feel free to PM me and I'll happily tell you where to go.

I agree entirely with collaberate and olgaga - that the best possible scenario for the DD the would be for a shared care schedule to be drawn up that maximises the time she spends being cared for by one or other parent.

My advice to the OP is to ensure that his ex is committed to their DD spending that time with him regardless of whether or not she is available to care for their DD herself.

The point I have been trying to make badly is that if the OP's ex is linking the time he spends with their DD as necessary due to her own shift pattern, then it is she who is viewing the arrangement as childcare. If this is the case, then the OP may find that his ex will expect to cancel the time their DD spends with him at short notice in the event that she is no longer working a particular shift.