Dad seeks advice!

[Pluto69]

First time here so HI!

Here's the story,

My partner and I have separated although still living together waiting for house sale ( not great but not terrible ) My X is refusing me fifty percent care of my daughter stating that I can have her 167 nights per year. Oddly enough this just keeps me above the CSA discount threshold and means I am a night a month above the threshold! My x will not give a reason as to why she wishes to keep me on 167 nights despite me asking multiple times.

My x also works shifts and has told me I will need to work around a five week care pattern with me having our daughter 3 out of the five weekend so that she can provide a suitable shift pattern to her employer. I have been doing this and love having my daughter. I don't believe it's overly good for our daughter ( aged two and a half) but I have been going with it to keep the peace.

I have now got to the point where I feel extremely angry that I'm not " allowed " fifty fifty care but am expected to work around her shifts in terms of my daughters care. I work 8-4 Monday to Friday and feel like I'm being abused somewhat for doing so.

I am thinking of just refusing to work around her shifts and written to her to say that I intend to change the pattern to a fairer system that doesn't just work around what she wants. I have had no response at all which is the same as my request for 5050 care.

I wanted your views and thoughts as its very hard to see into the goldfish bowl when your swimming around inside it!!

Many thanks to anyone who has read this far

Mike.

PS. I am on the birth certificate and have had equal contact, care , financial input etc since my daughter was born. I have no criminal record and have no skeletons in the cupboard. I am a professional bloke who just wants what's fair.

So your need to not be at the beck and call of your ex means you'd rather shake everything up? Seems a bit juvenile.

I assume you rather like your dd to have a working parent?

"STIDW afaics, there's also no right for the mother to determine contact either."

I didn't say there was. Children's childhood belongs to them, not their parents. The law is quite clear that both parents have equal responsibility and rights to carry out their responsibilities. If they can't agree living arrangements between them either party can apply to court where a decision is is based on the welfare of the child, rather than the interests of the parents.

apologies for giving false information. i honestly have seen it written on here that the child has a right to equal contact. maybe that is just a right to contact? i never looked into it.

Mike, I think you are, as you said, in the bowl and unable to see the fish.

I get the impression (and I could be reading your original post wrong) that you feel aggrieved that not only is she getting it all her own way as regards convenience for her work schedule but is also refusing to communicate over her reasoning behind 167 days. And if that's the case then that's absolutely understandable. Communication needs to be a two-way thing and she's not entitled to dictate just because she's Mum.

That said, there are so many things that can seriously upset the applecart as regards civilised contact arangements in the future that to start out by arguing the toss because the arrangements suit her work schedule seems (forgive me) a little churlish.

If I were you I would concentrate instead on getting the 'important' holidays and events organised (you have Birthday & Easter, Mom gets Christmas and swap next year sort of thing, plus a nice pre-emtive chunk of summer hols for when she's school age).

Honestly, being 45% instead of 50% on a strictly number of days basis will seem so much less important in time-and as someone else said earlier, 3 out 5 weekends and a 45% total is the kind of access most NR parents would do cartwheels over.

Not that you are NR. Hope you got what I meant

As your work patten would work well round you either having 50/50 care or being the main carer, would you go for that? Why is the assumption your exW is the resident parent?

"I am often asked ( and have to refuse) extra hours." No shit sherlock. That's what happens when you have children and you don't have someone else to look after them. Your ex will have the same problem when she is looking after your daughter. Why do you think that would improve if you have your daughter 50/50? You already work 8-4, 5 days a week there is very little other 50/50 time you can have other than weekends.

Yes shift work is a pain in the arse and it has a knock on effect on you but what is the alternative option? She gives up work? She works part time to convenience you? She gets another job? She pays for extra childcare at the weekends? I actually think she is trying to juggle both her job and your access as well as she can. If she is able to tell work up front what weekends she can work then that is surely better all round as everyone knows what they are doing? And it doesn't sound like this is necessarily "what she wants" but what is dictated to her by her working hours.

I notice as well your description of 50/50 childcare didn't include any cooking, washing, organising childcare/dentist/doctors, nappy changes/toilet training, tidying up, night-time waking etc etc. Was that just an oversight?

Grab this deal with both hands, it's much better than you'll get if you go to court

Out of curiosity what age is DD? Because if she's school age (or very nearly) then why wouldn't you be entitiled to be 'primary parent' as 8-4 will work out better than shift work for her bedtime wise?

Still think if you're happy in all but it's convenient for her don't rock the boat though because courts are notoriously Mum-sided

why do you think it is better than if he went to court?

surely if the mum is wanting 55% and the dad is wanting 50% the court are hardly going to grant the mum 65% just because they took it to court? i dont understand why he would get a worse deal than what the mum is suggesting if they took it to court. surely he would just get either the same deal (45%) or he would get 50%?

Op can I ask a few questions?

How long has your soon to be ex been working these shifts? In weeks, months or years?

How much difference in money would it make for you to have your dc the extra 15 nights per year? Would it be an extra 10 pound per week for your dc or 20 per week for your dc?

Do you want to sort this out between the two of you or would you like a third person to tell you in court that you are wrong and must do what you don't want? (please answer that question regardless of whether you think you are right or wrong)

Forget about the money and the maths that entails...

In the context of court - had you gone to court in the beginning you would have got no where near what you have now. Should you go to court there is no guarantee you would improve on the situation and possibly lose a lot of what you have - and lose the notion of your rights! Your daughter is young, get the share of the holidays, xmas, Easter sorted out - establish a working status quo(and relationship with the ex), be the good guy, whiter than white. Circumstances change, your daughter will develop and after 1-2 years if you still feel it will be in her interests to have more time with you then you you better have the justification rock solid - and the solution - other than its not fair.

You've had some good advice on hear - swallow your pride, think of the long term.

The courts invariably invoke the status quo so the parent who has done the most childcare remains the resident parent because that is in the interests of the child. It is not because the courts favour mothers, it is because mothers do most of the childcare.

Thanks for all the responses, they are genuinely helpful in the main. Abigail, I am fully aware of what shift work entails as I have done the same up until my daughter was born, for the last fifteen years. I also know what being a parent is and yes, I do take my daughter to the dentists, the doctors and I take time off when she's sick to stay at home etc etc. I may be a man but in not stupid or lazy.

As for the overtime thing. My x took a role with shifts after we split up and expected me to work around her with no consultation. I could very easily have done the same thing as we work for the same organisation but didn't because I wouldn't have expected her to to do that very same thing. As such I lose a considerable amount of extra income.

This is about the fact that you feel dictated to? rather than consulted?

I'd be hacked off as well.

I think STIDW in particular has given good advice about what is best for your DC though

What would be the best method of getting your ex to consider your situation without being confrontational?

"My x took a role with shifts after we split up and expected me to work around her with no consultation."

perhaps she felt she would need the extra income now that she was no longer in a 2 income family?

Maybe OP does as well?

Neither parent is more important than the other. Both have to realise that they may have to (unfairly) give to the other parent in terms of money/time or some other compromise to put the DC first.

It might be that the OP has to give in this situation. It shouldn't be assumed it's always the man who gives though

Sorry Booey - my tone was accusatory. Not meant to be

Maybe Booyhoo but I suspect it was more about advancing her career. Maybe I'm just cynical. I genuinely appreciate your comments no here which I think are very grounded and none insulting.

Livesinjeans. Your absolutely right. I feel like I'm being dictated to whilst trying my arse off to facilitate a decent relationship. As I said earlier, if I dictated she couldn't have my daughter unless it was on my terms then I would be viewed as a bully. I can see a lot of people don't believe me when I say it's not about the money. It really isn't. It's about having a very real sense of what's wrong and right morally. I am rapidly learning as someone else said on this thread that you appear to have to swallow a huge amount of ethics and just be glad for what's given to you. It just genuinely makes me despondent.

Pluto - can you look long term in this? The initial break up is often really fucking awful fraught but then settles a bit (usually).

Maintaining a relationship shouldn't be just down to you. However handling the negotiation to a better way of relating is important, because it might mean you reach a better situation sooner.

I am the 'bigger' person in my split (another word is 'mug' maybe). I've been forced to accept a load of stuff that is unfair. Not right. Not fair. Not happy. However I'm no longer fighting the situation because my DC are happier this way and tbh the fight would have been pointless in terms of outcome - the only benefit would be a salve to my sense of right and wrong.

that's ok lives and yes of course OP would be in the same boat (possibly worse if he is not recieving CB and tax credits). i just think it might have been a case of her realising her situation and going staright away to make sure she would be ok moneywise, i understand OP may have needed to do that too but straight after a break up we aren't always thinking of what the other person may need to do. we think of self preservation. it's just that in thsi case the mother thought of it before OP did. i dont know is she was right or wrong to do that. i dont know if she needed to so i really cant say.

when EXP and i split up he moved his stuff into his mum's and carried on his career in the navy, all that changed for him was that when he came home he slept in a different bed and his bank account was lot healthier as he was paying alot less in CM than when we shared all the bills. i on the other hand was now a single parent of 2, claiming IS and HB with a lot less coming in. i have to be honest i was very resentful of the fact the break up was so physically/practically/financially easy on him but i guess for him, the relationship was over, he was paying what was due in maintenance and if he can get free lodgings at his mums and carry on his career then why not?

" have to swallow a huge amount of ethics and just be glad for what's given to you."

yep. i feel like i could write a book on that.

Do you not think that the mother of your child advancing her career is a good thing for your child?

I sympathise- I cannot imagine being absent from my children for 55% of the time- I hope you can come to a suitable agreement.

However, I think that asking for 'what's fair' sounds petulant and childish- surely it should only be about what is right for the child?

Livesinjeans I thank you and I know your right. I will take it on the chin and try to console myself that I am being a bigger person ( although it really doesn't feel like it (mug!) ). I shall probably buy myself a punch bag and hit it a lot! Either that or sit on a mountain and meditate on love and kindness for a while! ( obviously being back in time to cover child care when the x needs it!!!!!! ) I am now officially packing my morals up and putting them in the garage with a weary sigh. :-(