Is it normal for STBEX Hs to offer the bare minimum as a first financial settlement offer?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I've posted this in divorce as well.

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out in September, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs, now aged 14, 12 and 9.

I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

In answer to your headline question: Yes; why wouldn't he?

Child maintenance is usually until the end of first degree, but after 12 months either of you can go to the CSA (until 19th birthday) then the child himself has to take the parent to court. Your argument over what should go into the order is irrelevant.

It is likely that he will offer the bare minimum. It's part of the negotiating ritual. Don't be offended or upset. Deal with it via lawyers.

Decide on what you/the children need/want/must have and start from that premise.

It's so much easier than hoping he will do the right thing. If he does, then it's a bonus.

Good luck.

I suppose because I thought he still loved his DC and would do anything for them, and not confuse his animosity towards me with his support of them. End of first degree would be much better, at the moment he hasn't offered to the end of A levels.

X ed nkf. Trouble is I am really upset. Hard to wait until I can talk to my solicitors on Monday. I really thought he was a good father, if a shite husband.

I know. It's depressing isn't it? So sorry. Have you got a solicitor?

Xed again. Yes, bloody expensive they are, too. I hope they're worth the money.

Draw up a list of your requirements and pitch it high. You can always negotiate down. You are not in a relationship or a marriage. You are in a war zone. Divorce means damage and you need to make sure it's not your children or you who suffer the most.

Thanks nkf. I think I was naively thinking he would start with something a little unreasonable and I could work up from there. This is so absolutely shit that I'm a bit shell shocked. I need to talk to my solicitor, obviously. I want support for them until they can support themselves, whether that's after A levels or 1st degree, some support for me until I can get a better job without affecting the children, especially my DS2. He may need support all his life, too early to tell. I don't expect to live as well as exH does, but his children should, surely?

Both you and he will have less than you do now. And that will have implications for the children. That's the bottom line, I'm afraid. That's why it's your duty to make things as good as possible for you and the kids.

Personally, I think that it's good that it's a shit offer because now you see where the land lies. Don't take it personally.

Sobbing here over the PC makes it hard not to take personally! At least I'll have no misguided guilt or feelings left for him.

It is deliberately low - you never go in with your proper offer as a first one. You will go in "ridiculously" high and settle somewhere in the middle.

Exactly. You need have no misguided feelings. Have your cry and then make a list of things to talk about with the solicitor. Are you the petitioner?

Ooh, not sure. I think so. I'm divorcing him for adultery. I've never been good at haggling. I'll have to get the solicitor to help. It seems so pointless, I'd much rather say what I actually want, not more than I want.

He's conveniently forgotten 2 of his pensions, the fact he has a motorbike, the boys' premium bonds he holds. He's over valued the car and under valued the remaining mortgage. I can see how it's going.

If you are divorcing him for adultery then you are the petitioner. Your solicitor is not there to "help." He is there to protect your interests and to ensure that you and your children are not shafted in the divorce. Make him earn his fee.

I'll strike 'help' out of my vocabulary, then!

Unfortunately, you need to play the same game he is.

I'm sure your solicitor will be able to give you full advice, but on the info provided in your OP, Child mtce is likely to be in accordance with the CSA formula. It normally ends either at the end of the first degree, or 18th birthday/completion of secondary education. So if your dc don't go to Uni, then mtce should stop at the end of A levels, not half way through.

So far as spousal mtce is concerned, if you can show that it's not possible for you to work full time and earn a decent salary, then you may get some spousal mtce but tbh you're probably better off seeking as much as possible of the capital, which includes equity in the house, savings, ISAs, etc, because if you concentrate on getting spousal mtce and sacrifice some of the capital, then he loses his job you're in a worse position than if you grab as much as possible of the capital now.

So far as pensions are concerned, given that you won't have as much as him, there will be a pension sharing order, but perhaps he hasn't got all the info on that yet. Your solicitor is extremely unlikely to just forget about pensions in a case like yours.

I'll play the game. Thanks for your advice. MN have been really supportive so far. I wouldn't have found out about the affair for ages without you lot and that helped me loads at the time.

I'm on both threads, so in danger of forgetting what info I've given. His pension is a private one and hasn't been going well in the last few years. Not worth much, but it won't be forgotten.

I've (literally) just gone through this and it is the most horrendously shitty thing I have had to do. Thoroughly soul destroying.

But it is necessary - you need to fight for your future.

His solicitor's letter actually states end of secondary education or 18th birthday, whichever comes first. So they are trying to pull a fast one. I find it hard to believe he thinks so little of his children. Not sure if he's thought it all through, his boys respect for him will fall even lower after this.

Me too Soupdragon. The end is in sight. God is it hell. Gird your loins OP. You need to think very long term. The deal you strike now will have a huge bearing on your future life. You have to get it right.

I sent him a shocked email yesterday. Not agreeing to anything or making demands, just astonished at what he'd offered. Probably wasn't a good idea, but I was so upset.