Is it normal for STBEX Hs to offer the bare minimum as a first financial settlement offer?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I've posted this in divorce as well.

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out in September, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs, now aged 14, 12 and 9.

I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

It's probably a waste of breath. The thing is they don't hear you once they're not with you. Your concerns/hurt etc don't factor. It's not worth trying to make him see reason or be fair. It takes energy that you don't have time for. Have you started on that list yet?

Yes, started on the list.

Hi, I am in the same boat as you. ExH to be and I in the process of trying to negotiate a financial settlement. He had an affair and left when my DCs were very young. I left it many years before filing for divorce (at which he expressed suprise when he received the papers!). He maintained that it 'would be the most amicable divorce in the history of divorces'! His exact words.

It has been anything but. I feel exactly the same as you, that his aminosity towards me would not alter his feelings for his children, but I have learnt the hard way that this is not the case.

It has taken nearly 3 years to resolve the financial settlement and we are still in dispute over it. He seems to be of the mindset that once the DCs reach 18, they will leave home, I can sell the house and he will be 'quids in'. He is adamant he won't split the house 60/40, nor his pensions. I am by no means 'money grabbing' but I gave up work to bring the DCs up and then he walked out on me when they were very young. Ironically I wasn't remotely interested in a share of his pensions, just wanted a good deal on the house, but he will not see reason.

I am desperate to avoid going to court for obvious reasons but extremely worried how this is ever going to get sorted, I live in fear of the next solicitor's letter! I have in the last week also told him that I will not 'talk' to him regarding the divorce/finances unless it's thro the solicitors, past experience has taught me that he can't be trusted - he says one thing, but instructs solicitors totally differently :(

This is no help to you OP, I know, but try to be strong and keep your guard up!

Thanks. I've already learnt that I can't trust what he says, unfortunately. Hope it gets sorted out for you, Friendly. I still fine it weird that he seems to be so detached from us. Definitely not amicable, but civil would be good enough.

Go to the CSA website, it now states 19 is the age they are looking to for financial maintenance from a parent, though was a bit fuzzy when I read it last.

Be very careful what you write in emails (pref nothing at all!). They can be used as evidence in certain circumstances.

Thanks sneeze. I knew the email was a bad idea, really. I couldn't find the age thing on the CSA website, can you link it?

Ellen don't berate yourself. I've done the email thing too!! He forwarded it to his solicitor with the line "this is the kind of tone I've had to get used to over the years"!!!! I wouldn't mind but I am a placid person and the email was not aggressive at all but I was desperately trying to appeal his 'better' side. I shouldn't have wasted my time.

Sneeze - I will have to look at the CSA website, if that's true about the age limit being 19 now, could make a difference to my (eventual) settlement .

Friendly what a nightmare it going on for 3 years! I thought that you could push for settlement within a certain timescale if things werent getting resolved?

I only have one dc at home now and having read this thread I am wondering one of the reasons my stbx has been delaying things is that he thinks once dc goes to Uni/is 19 he can wash his hands of him and me and that I wont need much more than a cardboard box to live in from then on?

Yes, Friendly and spring, I've read up the ages on the website and it's 19 or in full time education, whichever comes earlier, but not university. STBex H has offered exactly what the CSA calculator says but his solicitor has put in 18 as the maximum age. So are his solicitors just a bit crap, or trying it on?

Who knows Ellen - I've given up trying to second guess what solicitors mean!!

Spring - I hope for your sake that isn't the case :(

I've not heard about the settlement thing - IME the time taken to agree on a settlement doesn't make any difference, tho as it's now taken so long from when the decree nisi came thro (Mar 10), that I have to pay another £90 as it has 'timed out' in the eyes of the court!

Just one small point. Under the new CSA draft regulations the definition of child will be the same as used by Child Benefit for those aged up to their 20th birthday. The Child Maintenance and Other Payments Act 2008 provided an increase in the age limit of a child from 19 to 20, mirroring a Child Benefit change made in 2006.

Do they have to be in pre-university education, do you know, STIDW?

Yes, the CSA only has jurisdiction for children who are in "non advanced education ie A level standard or less. Over 18s in higher education can apply in their own right for maintenance from separated parents under Schedule 1 Children Act 1989. The court then considers both parents' and the child's financial position and the "needs" of the "child."

BTW these days the CSA website is obsolete and just redirects to the CM Options website.

ds special needs will be/should be taken into account - you will need to provide medical report etc to clarify what his level of need is.

reports on his prognosis and future outcome, how dependent he will be, etcetc. so you could maybe get increase in age for him particularly eg "until he leaves home to independent/supproted living" - which of course could be a long time.... dont put an age on him if his needs are significant

Thank you cestlavie. DS is HFA, in MS school with full-time 1:1, but no-one can really give a prognosis on how independent he will be as an adult. It's very wait and see. He'll always be autistic, however.

The other thing is under CA1989 a court can make an award to cover costs related to a child's disability on top of child maintenance. As usual you should discuss the options in your particular case with a solicitor.

A person can ask the CSA for an arrangement as long as:
?
the child is under 16 (or under 19 and either in full-time education ? not higher than A-level equivalent ? or having Child Benefit paid for them),

This is what it says so presumably 18 yrs+ 364 days old!

lots of good info here

True re hiding the CSA info, I had to ferret around on the direct gov site, with a v puzzled frown.

Its going to be long drawn out and nasty no doubt, you will need all your energy and very deep pockets it this first episode is anything to go by. Your STBX is a shite.

I don't know if this helps as I'm in Scotland and I know there are some big differences in Scottich Law. My Exp paid child maintenance to me until my daughter was 18 or 19 (cant remember exactly when) She went to uni and he had to pay maintenace to her (not me) until she left full time education or reached the age of 25. So it maybe worth looking into to see if your H has to pay your children direct after 18 years.
Also
I'm going through it all again my H of 10 years had an affair and left last year. Now going through sols and he seems to be calling all the shots. Its a nightmare I can't believe a ford he says he promises one thing then sols letter says something else. Also in Scotland you don't get spousal maintenance and you can't really divorce on the grounds of adultry, you can divorce for unreasonable behaviour due to adultry but it won't make a bit of difference to your settlement (not fair when your career takes a back seat to bring up kids)
Hope you get things sorted xx

Doesn't look like I'll get any spousal maintenance, anyway, steelchic. And him being the adulterer makes no difference in England, either. So sorry you are going through this again.

well I thought my H was different, but he has taken all our savings partly for rent on a flat (that I didn't know about) then to finance rented accomodation for him and his New GF (who I didn't know about). Then last but not least he cashed in an investment and put the money towards a big deposit for his new £250K home that he and the GF have bought and are now living 2 miles away from FH with their new baby (and im supposed to believe he only met her a year ago - all a bit quick me thinks). Now i'm expected to hand him a big wadd of cash to buy him out of FM for him to feather their nest and also take a cut in child maintenance cos they have a baby. ITS SO UNFAIR

Anyway sorry to hijack, You should def look into your DCS getting maintenance directly from your H if they go into further education. Its common practice up here. My DD had no contact with her father and he still had to pay her and she was at uni for 6 years. The amount he paid her was re assesed (she had income for p/t job etc) but she ended up gettin the same amount I did. Surley a child/young adult is entitled to go into further education if they want to and are clever w enough and its up to both parents to support them.

Good Luck with everything xx

sorry about spelling computer playing up and taking ages to correct :(

Thanks, steelchic. I did think that dickhead would want to support the DC through university, but I'm obviously having a few trust issues ATM!

Oh tell me about it. I don't believe a word that comes out of my STXH mouth, over the past year or so he has lied so many times so now I don't listen to a word he says xx

Hard, isn't it? I thought my stbx H and I were rock solid. In fact, his honesty and reliability were a big reason for us getting together. I was sick of attractive bastards, thought he was different. Oh well. Enough of the self pity, I suppose.