problems with my ex

[lydia15]

I need help. me and my ex split a year ago, we never married or lived together, he does however have a PR agreement. My ex will NOT communicate with me over matters regarding my son, schooling, behaviour etc..i text and ring but get no reply!!!..my ex see's my son everyday as lives down same street..I dont want to talk to my ex face to face as he frightens me. I want to move to another part of town, but apparently he wont let me, i want to take my son out for days with me and my new partner, he wont let me, even tho he takes my son out all the time!!...i have been told, through my son, that if i move out of the street he will apply for full custody of my son!!!!....I feel so sorry for my son cos messages are passed through him, despite me trying to text my ex.apparently when i send him a text he gets my son to read, then delete it!!!....I feel trapped and desperate..I am having such a bad time with my ex..i dont want confrontation, but then again dont want to roll over and give in!!..I dont know which way to turn now..feeling helpless and desolate ..Oh ad before i forget, my son was due to go to a party tonight, and we had a massive fight....I grounded him, he rang his dad, and his dad said he was going to call the police and have me arrested..is this even possible???

My son is 13 years old...his dad doesnt pick him up as he lives only 4 doors away..so goes round to see him all the time, which i have never stopped!!! and he stops me from taking my son out, by intimidating my son..he says to him " you dont wanna be with me anymore, go on!!.you go!!..you dont love me, you will find a new family and wont love me anymore"...!!!!..my ex is an emotional bully, i cant stand it!!!...the only reason i havn't done anything is that i am scared too, he wouldnt hurt me, it is just the emotional side to him, even 12 months on, if i see the ex in the street i freeze and panic!!!..i berate myself for doing this, but it is a knee jerk reaction which i cant help!!! The way he is stopping me from moving is by threatening to take liam from me, and being verbally cruel to him!!!...I did give in with the grounding as i know how nasty the ex can be..What really upsets me the most is that for the first 12 years, i did everything for my son..even though me and the ex were together I did everything....and now we have split, his dad is Perfect, and i have become the troll who doesnt take him out, or spend hundeds of pounds on him...I just do the mundane things like feed and clothe and keep him warm and do his washing and educate him!!!...I dont have much to offer liam, and his dad can, in a possession way...and the ex keeps telling me so!!!.......I am the primary carer..Liam lives with me full time, but every other week liam stays at his house..only between 10pm to 7am, where he comes back and gets ready for school!!!......

I only wanna move out of the street to another part of town, I live in a small market town, plus i dont wanna take my son far from his High School!!... My son says if i move out he will go live with his dad full-time!!!....I am scared of this....I have felt so close to calling his bluff and telling him to move...but cant !!!.....

I also know for a fact my son is wary of his father, a couple of weeks ago me and my new partner wanted to take him to the cinema, my son really wanted to go, but was scared to as he knows what his dad is like!!!..it was so sad!!...my son knows that instead of his dad having a pop at me, he will do it through him!!!!!....oh and another thing, regarding residency,,i'm not sure if this would make any difference, but my ex doesnt have his own house..the house he lives in was his mums and brothers!!....yes!!..at 48 he was still living with his mum..she died 2 years ago, but he still lives in the house, which is his brothers cos he bought it years ago!!!!....sorry to go on with the posts...I just dont know which way to turn..I know i need to seek legal help, but dont know if i will get financial help...i have recently had my hours at work cut by half and cannot afford the luxury of a solicitor!!!

sorry for the long post..just trying to give as much info as possible xx

One more thing...sorry....my ex has a PR agreement, but seems to think he can use that to tell me what i can do with my son..where i can take him, with who...and where i can live...I feel controlled...yet i have never told him what he can do with his son, and where he can go with him..and where he can live.....my ex said to my son that he is gunna move to another part of town and get a flat so they can live together!!!!...(news to me)...yet I CAN'T!!!!!!! think I am going to go insane!!!!... :(

Oh my God! What a nightmare! I have no experience of this sort of situation but I'm sure others will. You really do need legal advice though, can you borrow the money? I think I have seen something mentioned on here about there being solicitors that give you the first hour or half hour free? You really need to see one anyway as you may find that your ex is talking bollocks.

Normally I would say that you really needed to start sticking up for yourself, go out for the day if you want, move if you want etc and ignore everything he says, but it sounds like he is really bady manipulating your son. He is damaging your son and I find that horrendous. Do you think that your son would really move in with him?

Do you and your son have a good relationship? He sounds so confused by it all. Do you talk to him about the things your ex says and set him straight? You need to tell him how much you love him and . . . well tell him to truth really. Tell him everytime that his dad is behaving badly. If ex won't let you go out then tell then son this. I think you are probably trying to protect your son but that leaves him open to believing all the crap his dad says.

I think you should keep a record of the things your ex says to you son and the things he does with times and dates so that if it ever did go to court you could show that his behaviour is emotionally damaging to your son.

Ex sounds like a wanker!

I think my son would move in with him..but ex works funny shifts and i think after a week or 2 liam would come back home!!!...think he would THEN realise what side his bread was buttered on. Our relationship hasn't been great this past year, mostly down to the fact that the ex (IT) has been telling liam all the bad things i have done in the past, why??..sympathy..brownie points..PITY!!!..and this just isnt fair!!!..the past is the past and has no bearing on the here and now!!!....I do talk to my son about what his dad says and put him straight..but ATM he just aint listening!!..he doesnt see that bad things the ex has done to ME..like punching me to the ground when liam was a baby..IN MY ARMS!!!...stalking me...puncturing boyfriends car tyres!!!..i aint told liam about these things..but ex is doing it to me..i COULD tell liam, but i refuse to lower myself to his level!!!

Shit! I think you need to sit done with Liam and have a really good chat. Explain that these things (what were they anyway?) were a long time ago and that everyone makes mistakes. Also I wouldn't worry about protecting your son too much as it's gone beyond that. I would tell him about the punching etc. as I feel he is going to have a right to know what sort of a man his dad is. Don't say it in a bitchy way obviously and break it very gently, explain that it is called domestic abuse and how bad that is. Tell him that is dad is a manipulative person whch is why he is saying these things to him.

I know you don't want to lower yourself to your ex's level but at the moment I feel that by not telling your son these things you are just protecting your ex.

Have you thought of trying some bonding with your son? Special outings just for the 2 of you? Really hard seeing as ex won't let you go out and you don't have much money I know. I'm thinking things like indoor rock climbing or something that would be a great experience for your son and he would remember forever and remember doing it with you. I feel your son really needs some fun in his life right now and preferably with you. It's such a difficult age anyway and his dad is really messing it up.

Seriously, get legal advice as your ex is damaging your son!

Sorry if this is all bollocks. I don't have a child with an ex and I don't have a 13 year old so I don't have direct experience of this. I do however have violent, manipulative ex's but I could just cut them out of my life as I didn't have a child with them. I really feel for you and you son!

Also, you sound like a prisoner in your own home at the moment. Not being able to go out anywhere, having your ex so close by, feeling scared when you see him in the street! I don't see that you can go on like this. Moving would be great but get the legal advice first. I would imagine that at your sons age, even if ex did go to court to get him, I think the courts would hugely take into consideration who your son wanted to live with. He is getting old enough to make this decision himself. The problem is that ex has put a spoon into sons brain and swished it about!

you're RIGHT i do feel like a prisoner!!!...my god when i walk into my street i am like saying "please dont let him be in the street, please dont let him be in the street" !!!!.....total madness!!!....I live in a council house..so should be pretty easy to move!!!..I relly honestly think that the EX doesnt want DS1 full-time..he is just saying that to intimidate and bully me....and its bloody working!!!!!....time for a change me thinks..time to step up to the mark and start shouting!!!..lol

What are you going to do?

I think i am going to see a solicitor...if ex wont talk to me directly it will have to be done through them..i want something in writing stating that i dont need his consent to take my son out if i dont need to give mine....that he cannot call police if i ground my son...he cant refuse me to move house if i so wish.

does that sound reasonable enough???

Absolutely and totally! I think the solicitor will be shocked that he is even attempting to stop you doing things by threatnening this stuff. Although I suppose they have seen it all over the years.

Lydia, can I suggest you repost or link to this in relationships and lone parents. You will probably get a lot of advice and support from posters in those topics who have dealt with ex's who are just as controlling.

just a quick update. Things havn't been getting any better with the ex and my DS, 3 weeks ago my son told me he was going on a school residential trip, he never asked my permission, but asked his dad instead, when I finally found out I told my DS I couldn't afford for him to go and to tell his dad so, he didn't, now the ex has demanded I pay £100 by today, I sent him a text outlining the reasons why I couldn't pay, including the fact that HE gave consent without me knowing, so HE can pay!!!!..he has now stopped my maintenence to re-coup my £100.

Another thing, I have sent the ex many texts, and a letter stating that he really needs to be in communication for our DS sake,due to the amount of issues i am having with him... I have heard nothing, he sends messages through my DS, so now, as soon as my son tries to pass a message on, I stop him in his tracks and tell him that if his dad has anything to say to me he can text me or write a letter, or even talk to me, but he wont!!..I am trying to take the burden of my son, he is not a carrier pigeon!!!.....my son hates this, but i have to do it to force my ex into talking to me.

My son has also been viewing pornographic material on his ipad his dad bought him, and he buys him posters of half naked women, i stated in my letter to the ex that this was in appropriate, but he has said nothing to my DS, just laughed.....OH also, I wrote the ex a long and detailed letter stating the issues i am having with my DS, and how his lack of interest is causing harm..etc etc...also said if he didn't reply i would take it that he wasn't interested in our sons welfare...what did he do???..showed it to my son!!!!..that was so out of order, it wasn't for my son to see, it was private for his dad only....this is what i am up against..ex shows my DS every text too, and gets him to delete it....the EX it trying to turn my son against me by playing the ..."poor old me" card!!!!

Also I have an appointment with a solicitor, not till mid April, as only 2 solicitors where i live do legal aid, the other one couldn't see me till june!!!!!!...I have also been to see my doctor who has referred me for councelling and given me anti- depressents to cope, and my son has been referred back to his mental health worker, i have an appointment next week, just me and him, so i can talk about how everything has been effecting my DS.

I am dreading seeing the solicitor, as i just know that everything i do my ex will tell my DS that i am doing it to stop him seeing him, which is far from the truth, but the ex will say this to win sympathy from my DS, and to make my DS hate me. I want it in black and white when the EX can see my DS, all i want is every other weekend, so i can do things, go out etc...as can my EX. But he wont see it like that, It is going to be a rough old road, and i suspect my DS is going to hate me along the way and side with his dad, but there is nothing i can do there, I just hope and pray that one day my DS will see that everything i am going to do, is in his best interests.

Just want to add one more thing i just remembered, when i went to see the doctor this week, and told him the story, he was rather mad, not with me i may add, but with my ex and what he is doing to me and my DS !!..he said that the ex was an emotional bully and my DS COULD be placed on the At Risk register, and his father refused access to him..is this correct???.....oh god if that happens life will be intollerable for me!!!.. I am doing EVERYTHING I can possible think of to protect me and my DS....

This sounds silly, but a few weeks ago a spiritual medium told me there was someone called "phil" who was linked to me, and was bad news, and could cause me trouble!!!!..just found out that the mental health worker i am going to see next week is called PHIL !!!..

lydia

I'm no legal expert, but like many people here I've learned about the whole legal angle and rights etc.

Firstly. Take a breather, you sound like you're having to deal with very unreasonable behaviour from your ex. One day it'll all be sorted. You're not the one at fault here. You should feel good about yourself for being the reasonable one here. Using your son to send you messages is a crappy thing for him to do, unacceptable. Clearly he doesn't put your sons best interests above his malicousness towards you.

Legally your ex has no right to say whether or where you take your son out or not. What you do day to day with your son is your business and nobody elses. But you both have ( assuming he's on the birth cirtificate ) 'parental responsibility ' . This means, amoungst other things, you both get a say on education, religeon and medical issues. He should have talked with you about the school trip.

Moving shouldn't be an issue unless you move miles and miles away, and even then he can't stop you as long as you stay in the UK.

What your ex is doing might be difficult to deal with now, but keep a record of EVERYTHING. From what you say he's really digging his own grave. Courts first and foremost consider what is in the best interests of the child. Your ex clearly is not echoing this.

Stay calm, remind yourself you are the sane one here, be civil to your ex and avoid any arguments or point scoring. Hang in there till you see a solicitor. Give yourself a bit of time to browse the internet about these issues, there's a lot of it. Especially here on Mumsnet.

Goodluck !

Ok, take a deep breath and calm down. The medium thing is a load of old nonsense, and deep down you know it.
Your ex can't stop you moving - if its in the same small town and Liam will be attending the same school then it's not going to be far, is it? As far as what your GP said, that sounds about right - what your ex is doing is emotional abuse, and you really shouldn't feel frightened in your own street. If Liam has a mental health worker, does he also have a social worker? It might be a good idea to have a chat with them about what's going on. Parental rights does NOT mean that your ex can bully, threaten and control you.

My ex DOES have parental responsibility, but at the moment it seems like he is abusing this!!!..because he controls everything I feel like I have no say in my DS's upbringing..as for talking to my ex..we havn't for 10 months..I send messages etc urging him to talk about things regarding my DS, but he never replies!!..it is all very frustrating....my DS tells me he doesn't want to talk to me because i will "shout" at him!!!..this is a load of rubbish as he is the nasty one, he just says this to my DS to get him to feel sorry for him, AND my DS says my ex doesn't have my number, which is also rubbish as i have texted him loads...besides he only lives 4 doors away from me..surely he hasn't forgotten where i live too..lol ...

I have done lots of reading on the internet, and i happened across a site and it mentioned that parental responsibility should NOT be given where there has been cases of domestic abuse...not sure how much of this is true, but my EX was violent, he punched me once when my DS was a baby in my arms...he went to court over it and I had to have my face photographed!!!

that incident was 13 years ago......has there been anymore,recently?

you need to focus now on seeing the solicitor.

write down your main problems with the ex,and the sol can focus on those.

the porn viewing....needs stopping asap
the financial aspect regards the trip.....out of order. the school had a permission slip from who? one of you will have signed it.

lack of communication......you could try mediation. guessing he wouldnt go though

move if you want to.......he need know nothing til he sees the van outside. however,if it means a change of school for your ds,seek legal advice

No physical violence since...all emotional..harder to prove i know x...I never signed any permission slip !!..never knew anything till 3 weeks ago!!!..I thought of mediation, but you're right, he wouldn't go !!

I would very strongly suggest that you contact MNHQ and ask for your son's name to be removed from this thread.

Have you spoken to womens aid? This man is bullying you and your poor son.
Second the suggestion of talking to your sons mental health worker and ss.

Please get all the help that is available out there for you both to move away from him.

Oh, I must have added his name without realising....get that carried away typing i dont read over what i wrote x....

excuse my ignorance, but what is MNHQ???...

I will be considering moving once all the solicitor stuff is out of the way..just can't face a move right now, not with everything else going on!!!...once my ex gets the letter from my solicitor i am gunna have to hold on to the seat of my pants because things WILL get bad, I need all my energy to get through that first!!

Why isn't everything in life simple???

he cannot stop you doing whatever you want with your son. just do it.

I think you need permission to take him out of the country for more that 2 weeks, but that's about it.

STOP communication with him about school etc. If he's not interested, don't bother him with the details, then you can arrange matters to suit you.

And no, he will not get full custody if you move house. And no, he cannot have you arrested for grounding your child.

he can't do anything.

Just to calmly clarify some of the issues - although you feel you are the primary carer, it could be argued that your son currently lives with both his parents, 50/50, week on week off? And that your son chooses when he goes round to his Dad's, and has expressed a wish to live with his Dad full time? That he pops round there 'all the time'?

These are things that should sound at least a note of caution before embarking on a court route to limit the contact to every other weekend, TBH. It sounds as though your son, who really shouldn't be named (in such a way as to make him easily identifiable) on a public forum, is struggling to come to terms with the split and possibly your new partner? Obviously his Dad's actions are making that more difficult and leave the path open for playing one parent off against the other to get his own way and get out of a grounding...

It sounds as though a move would be a good thing for you. Your ex can't stop you moving, particularly as it is a short distance which shouldn't interfere with the current contact pattern. He can apply for Residence, of course, and your DS's wishes would be taken into account. I'm sure it would help to get some help/counselling as you sound overwhelmed with what is going on.

"I think you need permission to take him out of the country for more that 2 weeks, but that's about it.2

Actually all those with PR should consent to the removal of a child from the country, however short the period.

The practicalities do not always match where the law stands, but that's what the law says.

I dont want to stop my son from staying at his dads every other week monday to thursday, I just want the weekends sorting out, so I can plan to do stuff as well as his dad. ATM my son flits between us on a weekend and I can't do anything or go anywhere as i never know if he is going to be here or at his dads! and I am more than sure i can take him out of the country for a period up to 1 month.

My son IS playing me off against his dad, thats why i have stopped passing messages via my son, and instead contacting my ex directly, but I still get no reply from him, he sends messages through my son, but I refuse to listen to him, forcing my ex into talking to me directly! ( which aint working) but i am hoping in time my ex will realise that his efforts to pass on messages through my son are futile, and will speak to me directly!

If I do move anywhere, it wont be far, as my son still needs to be in wlking distance of his High School, I just want to get out of the street so I dont have to see my ex on a daily basis as just seeing him pass the window makes me feel ill !!

I am currently waiting for an appointment with a counsellor, could take up to 6 weeks to get one tho...but I can wait!!