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Original poster

I want a 4th dc. DH doesn't.

29 replies

Therewasanoldwoman · 01/03/2010 18:54

I've name changed for this.

I know it's illogical, this magic number of children business but I really want to have four children. I know I'll feel like my family is complete when I have four.

I've got three. My youngest is still a baby but I'd like to plan to have another within two years so she can enjoy having a sibling close in age. My others are 5 and 3.

DH thinks we can't afford it. He says that's the only reason he doesn't want to go for it. He has made the lifestyle choice of sending our dcs to private school - I wasn't very keen on this but he said that it was very important to him so I agreed even though I think it's a waste of money for primary school.

Anyway, I have said that I will go back to work to be able to pay for private school for the 4th child. I'm pretty convinced I can earn at least £10k a year in a part time role, for goodness sake. DH earns a good salary himself. How much does one have to earn to send four kids to private school?!?!?

I'm knocking on a bit now and I'm feeling really weird about the prospect of not having four children when the money shouldn't really be an issue. He pooh poohs my earning potential, saying I've got no idea.

Why do I feel this way? So wanting another baby. It'll make me really really sad if I can't have another. Has anyone else been in this position? How do you move on from it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EggyAllenPoe · 01/03/2010 19:05

well, i think four is a very lovely number of kids, as am from a group of four. others from groups of three wil tell you that was great too!

it hardly sounds like a 4th kid is going to put you into poverty, but do you think he just doesn't fancy the extra noise/ further delayed period of having your freedom? possibly point out to him that by with that age gap, they won't all be in secondary school at once....

but then if you really want another one, and find in a few yers it is really totally affordable, would you resent him?

ideas about family size aren't really founded in rationality - you can't just switch off that desire for more.

belgo · 01/03/2010 19:09

But children do cost alot, especially when you send them all to private school. Even you can earn 10k a year, that won't go very far at all, not with four children. What if your dh gets made redundant for example?

What about longer term costs- holidays, and university in the future?

pointysayhiphip · 01/03/2010 19:22

Have you worked since having your first child? If not, would you really want to go back to work to raise funds for the 4th's education? What job would you do? That bit does sound a little odd.

ahundredtimes · 01/03/2010 19:28

Agree, the expense grows too.

Are you sure that's the only reason he doesn't want a fourth? Is it an an unemotional way of saying - I really, really don't want another child? Delve deeper.

Mongolia · 01/03/2010 19:30

"DH earns a good salary himself. How much does one have to earn to send four kids to private school?!?!?"

You are looking at about Â£8,000 a year in pre prep, perhaps about Â£17-20,000 per year in secondary school aprox?

If you have 3 children already in private school, I imagine you have what could be considered an expensive lifestyle (nothing wrong with that, but if that is the case, having an extra Â£600 a month won't make much of a difference, in fact, it will go all to pay nursery fees if you get a job).

I understand you want another child, I always wanted to have 4 children myself (hated being part of a 3 sibling group), however, we stopped simply because we couldn't afford it, and that was a very good reason.

Mongolia · 01/03/2010 19:31

forgot to say, those figures are per child.

Lulumaam · 01/03/2010 19:32

to send 4 children to private school, you need to earn a lot

it is not just the fees, but uniform, trips overseas, travel to and from etc etc etc

£10000 might cover it, but do you want to work just to send a child to school>

what about childcare? holiday and before/afterschool clubs etc?

part time , term time only jobs are v v popular and there will be a lot of applicants

plus before your child gets to school there are other costs and expenses

i think not being able to afford a child is a good reason not to have one.

if you don't know how much it will be to send 4 children to private school, you are deluding yourself you can make this work

if it was teh private school near me, it would be somewhere in the region of £9000 per year, minimum. before unifrom etc.

and private schools tend to have longer hols, so you would need to consider that too, for hcildcare implications for your hob

your £10000 won't go far

Sproggle · 01/03/2010 19:36

Troooollll

4andnotout · 01/03/2010 19:38

Can you not just wait a year and see if his view changes? If you wouldn't want to get pregnant immediately I can't see the point in worrying yourself unneccersarily(sp)

thisisyesterday · 01/03/2010 19:39

oh ffs. troll??? because she wants 4 kids???

is no thread on here safe from accusations of trolling?

ReneRusso · 01/03/2010 19:39

"How much does one have to earn to send four kids to private school?!?!?"
Well I guess thats a rhetorical question, but you need bucketloads. As I'm sure you are aware private school can cost 12k to 15k a year per child (sometimes more at secondary, depending on the school), so 10k isn't enough to cover one child. You would need more like 20k, once tax is considered. And remember you might need some after school care and holiday child care too.
However maybe finances aren't really the only sticking point, perhaps he just doesn't have that desire for another that you do.

Sproggle · 01/03/2010 19:41

"DH earns a good salary himself. How much does one have to earn to send four kids to private school?!?!?"

Four children in private school from primary costs a mere pittance dah-link. How uncouth of him to even mention it!

You are either a troll or incredibly disconnected from the real world, I pity you either way.

ahundredtimes · 01/03/2010 19:43

No I think troll accusation because of possibly trying to start a thread about 4th child re private education. No?

thisisyesterday · 01/03/2010 19:46

well clearly a troll then

sproggle i suggest you read this and act accordingly instead of just mouthing off and making unfounded accusations

ahundredtimes · 01/03/2010 19:48

Oh it isn't that bad an idea it might be trolly. As thread could inspire 'how can he put private education before the life of a newborn life?' or 'does money matter more to him than a baby?' and 'Private education IS more important than children.'

do you ever get the feeling you've been on mn too long?

Sproggle · 01/03/2010 19:49

Thanks thesecondcoming, I'll wait for Justine to come and discipline me!

Lymond · 01/03/2010 19:58

Assuming this is real, (and it's hard to assume that about anything on mn these days, but aren't people meant to report suspicions to HQ rather than yelling troll?) then you and DH need to got on the same page about both having another baby, and your kids schooling. You'll feel resentful of their expensive education if that is really what's standing in the way of him wanting a 4th, if you'd be happy with local primaries.

Original poster

Therewasanoldwoman · 01/03/2010 20:01

Dh is on a salary of £200k. I didn't want to put that. He could, like anyone, be made redundant of course but if that were the issue, then nobody should have children, right?

School fees are £9.5k p.a. We don't have an expensive lifestyle at all. Drive a Ford car, camping holidays which I love, not a massive mortgage, shop at H&M, NCT sales - nothing at all excessive.

I wouldn't go back to work until the youngest was ready to start at 5. Perhaps I am deluding myself but I feel a bit resentful about dh's lifestyle choice that I consider unnecessary at this stage and it's me that has to compromise. I feel like it's always me that has to compromise but then again I can't really explain this need for another baby. It's silly, I know but it's primal.

I really want to know how to get over this more than likely prospect of not having a fourth dc.

OP posts:

Mongolia · 01/03/2010 20:26

"You are either a troll or incredibly disconnected from the real world"

I think Sproggle you are the one disconnected from the real world (or that little strange planet that private schooling is), you would be surprised at how many wives, who can afford to send 3 children to private school comfortably, have no idea how much things cost.

Haven't you been to stores where things don't have a label? the slogan behind the no-label is "if you need to ask the price you can't afford it", so really... not knowing how much the husband earns or how much the school costs, or even that there is people in this planet who can't afford simple things, it is, unfortunately, very very common.

Mongolia · 01/03/2010 20:30

TWAOW, perhaps you have that simple lifestyle is the reason why you can privately educate 3 children?.

Original poster

Therewasanoldwoman · 02/03/2010 10:21

Absolutely mongolia and on a salary of £200k (which will go up too over time), we should therefore be able to afford one more child to go to private school. Not least if I earn enough money to cover the costs of those school fees.

So, he must really not want another child at all and is using the finances as an excuse. This makes it even more certain we'll be stopping at three.

It just makes me sad. I think I just need a bit of time to get used to the idea.

OP posts:

EggyAllenPoe · 02/03/2010 11:05

naughty emotico< is it really his decision anyway?

Original poster

Therewasanoldwoman · 02/03/2010 11:38

Well, I could always put a pin hole in one of the condoms that I have to keep reminding him to use

OP posts:

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 11:45

don't remind him?

4andnotout · 02/03/2010 12:52

So he isn't so desperate to not have another baby then if he can't remember contraception.

Tricking him into a pregnancy can end it tears though, what if he resented the baby and you?

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