To try or not to try..

[Workieticket]

...for no.3 - basically! We have a DS, 4 & DD, 14months. I think I've always hankered after 3 dc's, but pretty much straight after having dd, felt that my family was complete & looked forward to getting rid of all the baby stuff as & when dd grew out of it. However, baby stuff is all still in the loft as I can't bear to get rid of it!
DD had GBS not long after being born & we came v close to losing her. But thankfully she is here, larger than life & an absolute joy So should we just get on with our lives & be thankful for what we have?
I'm getting the 'two's enough' feeling from DH & would never want him to be badgered into having a 3rd. But would I regret not having that 3rd dc? Anyone else's views gladly received!

I've got 2 and would like 3 but our situation isn't so straightforward as I had complicated pregs, and an elderly relative to look after too! It's not like the 2nd - I'd have moved heaven and earth to make him happen, but I sway. After a really bad day I think 2's enough. After a good day I'd go ahead and have a bus full! (No, 3 would fulfil my requirements.)

We often wonder exactly that, whether we should just be thankful for what we have. We're older too. When I was in my teens/20's it seemed the world encouraged you to wait - now that I'm that bit older the tide seems to have turned and I'm almost on the verge of being horsewhipped for having the medical audacity to have kids later.

Life's got in the way and we've put it off and put it off and now I'm thinking there'll be too big a gap between our eldest 4.7, our 2nd, 2.1 and a 'new' one as we couldn't even start to try for 6 months in our current circumstances. They're pretty portable when they're tiny but we've found our 2yo tantrum stage has slightly restricted what we can do with DD.

Personally, I'd say: stop typing and go for it! Don't put it off any longer if you want one. But that's easy for me to say to you!

I'll be hanging around her waiting to see what other people thing. Hope you get loads of advice.

Blimey - shocking typing & proof reading! I'll be hanging around here to see what other people think.

Oooh, sorry, me again. I didn't know what GBS was - I just had to Google it. How terrifying. How would that affect future pregnancies?

It's really shocking the amount of women who don't know what it is - I was one of those during my 1st pregnancy, wasn't until I read about a campaign in a mag that I looked into it, got tested for it, got a neg result and hey presto. I'd have antibiotics during any other labour so I wouldn't pass it on to the baby, which wouldn't bother me.
Think the thing that bothers me the most is feeling guilty for wanting another when we have an absolute cracker in our daughter (& son of course!)
Oh & feeling exactly the same about 1 day that 2 is enough & the next feeling completely different. Our nearest family is 12o miles away & some days I really struggle emotionally. But would it be worth struggling that bit longer?
And I really don't think the age gap is anything to worry about!

Oooh, don't feel guilty about that. It's testament to how fabulous you think they are that you want another! I just think it's incredible that you get such a whole little person with its own whole personality. That's the thing that appeals to me most I think: what on earth would number 3 be like? How could he possibly be as special as 1 and 2? Obviously he/she could because each one's just as fab in its own way! And, if he/she is going to be that special, how can we live without him?!

I know what you mean about keeping all the baby stuff too. When you've got it all, it seems a shame to not put it to use again. And you've gained so much experience of being a mum - shame to waste it. And it means even more grandkids!

Yeah, I have no family to support me. DH does his best but he works long hours. It's really tough - but in a lot of ways I think it actually brings you closer to your kids.

But then, your DS would be 5 before a new one came along - he could pass nappies, pull faces, provide entertainment etc. I think babies enjoy having other kids around so subsequent children are often less emotionally demanding. Certainly now mine are 2 and 4 they're starting to entertain each other.

But someone once said to us, 'don't have more kids than you have hands!'.

I just don't know. There's just a kind of extra dimension to having 3 that you just don't seem to get with 2. It's probably a romantic idea and nothing like the reality but they seem to be their own little clan when there's 3 of them: kind of like Wendy, John and Michael in Peter Pan!

Oh, God! I'm talking myself into wanting one again!

My sis-in-law said she deffo knew her family was complete after 2. She said her sister felt like there was someone else waiting to join them, so she had another. Don't know if that helps.

But, apparently, things get trickier with hols, hotels etc when you've got 3 because everything seems to be geared up for 2 + 2. Don't know how true that is, especially these days.

Having the same dilemma here, too, and it's getting more pressing. Same ages too (DC2 is 14m). I don't feel finished, but a third DC would be difficult to fit in to the supposedly forever house, and there's schooling (we'd planned on private). Hmph. Change my mind on a daily basis. Doesn't help that both DH and I are both one of three.

Oooh, I'd love to hear more about what it was like being 1 of 3. Does it make you pro 3?

DH is one of three, but the 3rd came along later so, effectively, he was 1 of a close 2 with his bruv.

I was an only child so I've no concept of any of it!

I'm with you on the 'what would no.3 be like. If it were a boy, how different would he be from our DS and likewise if it were a girl.
And I'm liking the peter pan comparison
I do worry about the impact on DS & DD's relationship as they absolutely adore each other - would another rock the boat?
The thing that I'm thinking more & more about is what would I regret more - having no.3 or not? Think I would always wonder 'what if'.

Did you worry about your relationship with DS when you were preg with DD? I deffo did with no1 when I was preg with no2. I remember there being an awful story in the papers about a couple who'd been given a very late abortion, according to the papers, just on the grounds of their worrying that it would upset no1/spoil their relationship with him/her. Which is, IMO, a maniacal extreme, but I think a lot of people must have concerns along those lines.

Obviously, DC1 is going to be a bit put out for a while, but then I think most would much rather have DC2 than not. It's got to be the same with DC3, hasn't it?

Got to admit, that's not one I've thought about. There are a couple of kids in DD's class who've just had no3 come along and they seem to take that better than being no1 and getting no2.

I think you might wonder what the hell you were thinking of, giving yourself all the extra work and grief, and you'd probably often been totally exasperated! But however bad it gets I'm always glad I had DC2. Very occastionally I wonder why I bothered having kids at all, but that's a different matter!

Well... I'm the youngest of 3, and tbh in the nicest possible way I would rather not have been born... even though I've had a lovely life (so far). I do think I had it easy as a child, my parents seem to have seen me as a kind of 'free gift' or luxury child, very few expectations or pressures on me. But I do just sometimes wonder whether they might have managed better as a couple without me? it's really hard to tell. Different though as there was a long gap between me and my sister, meaning throughout my adolescence I had effectively an only child upbringing - some good and some bad things about this.

I do know many families of 3 who look like 'little clans', at least from the outside - lovely to see. This was the polar opposite of my experience - you can encourage the clan thing, but every child is so different you can't guarantee that this is how it will be.

We were definitely a clan and remain close today despite being geographically distant. There were gaps of 2.5 and 3.5, GGB. The middle sibling suffered most but I suspect more due to her personality (high maintenance & sensitive) than the fact that she was the middle child. We all went to the same school and played together lots too.

DH (also the eldest of 3 - BGG) on the other hands does love his sisters but he was a bit older then his two sisters came along close together. He went off to boarding school; they didn't - although they all get on well there is a distance there, partly due to the different sexes, the age gap, the schooling issue.... Interestingly he doesn't feel the need for a third as much as I do but concedes he probably has little input.

unrealistic you said "But, apparently, things get trickier with hols, hotels etc when you've got 3 because everything seems to be geared up for 2 + 2. Don't know how true that is, especially these days."

That was our experience. Hotel rooms only take 2+2. A Family ticket is 2+2. We've always had to pay for the "extra" children (or take grandma to make 2 families )

I agree the third (and maybe 4th) child is a real luxury item.
We now take my brother or MIL with us on most holidays because we have to book 2 rooms anyway so that makes it a bit more worthwhile, having another pair of hands too.
I also worry about middle child syndrome for me I should have stuck at 2 or have 4 so am trying for the 4th.

I have a good friend with 3 DCs who describes this overwhelming feeling of "family complete" as she was lying with DS3 in her arms in the labour room.
I have not had that feeling after my DS3, so am seriously considering TTC DC4 - although at times it feels mad!
Probably no right or wrong, but I just like the idea of a large family, but equally have this feeling that we may be "pushing our luck": I am over 40, had 4 MCs, known genetic problem - AND 3 healthy children! And before anybody asks, I am not particularly interested trying for a girl (horrible phrase), just like a pack of children all running around together. Unfortunately, circumstances were such that we only started a family late in life.
Will watch this thread with interest ..

With regard to the holiday situations, can't see that being an issue for us as we tend to do cottage holidays in this country & have parents that we go to long weekends for etc.

Mummyfor3 - has your friend ever had the 'should we have another' feeling afer having no.3 or is that definately it for her? And if you're coping with 3 & family life is good, then why not add another?

Workie, my friend's husband has had the snip , so I think this is definetely it for them.
When I had DS3 last year though, she had a small moment of regret, but "snapped out of it"(her words not mine) quickly. But, yes, they are done.

Ourselves? Oh, well, I am almost 43 (DS is toyboy of 39 ), we have 3 healthy children, I carry a genetic problem which so far has NOT been passed on, never to fit into a "normal" car again, being retired by the time they finish school etc etc ad nauseam...

However, DS1 only just turned 6 so gaps between oldest and youngest would not be huge, like the idea of 4 rather than 3, somehow even number appeals, and just like the idea of big family.

Hey ho, it may never happen anyway.... Would have to have sex first - too tired!!

Mummyfor3, ! That's my problem too, and I've only got 2!

Has any of this helped you make a decision, workieticket?

OMG, just rereading my post from this morning. DH is toyboy, not DS !! Thankfully I am too young for a son of 39, phew!

I even didn't notice! But glad you've clarified that!

Blame it on the keys, mummy!!!
Had a bit of a discussion with DH on sat, whilst out, drinking...perhaps not the best of times, but hey!! Think we're going to give it a go, if it happens then great & if not then it's not meant to be.
Think the thing that's hitting me most is I'd regret not trying & don't want to get 5+ yrs down the line and think we should have tried....

I have just had my third (on 17th March) and now feel my family is complete! DD3 is like the missing piece - now our fa,ily feels complete.

I can relate to being unsure because i was too but i am so glad we have had our gorgeus baby.

Congratulation, NBM! How lovely!
So that elusive feeling of "family complete" does exist ...well, I have not felt it yet !!

NBM - congrats! Am preggers with baby no 3 (due Sept) and sounds good...

Unrealisticexpectations, dp and I are both from 3 child families it made both of us determined to have 2 / 4.

We agreed on 2, had 1 dd had another and I can honestly say from the moment dd2 was born I knew there was someone missing. To the point that I would look for no3 - not in an insane way but you know how you are at the park its like " one on the slide, one on the swings" and then i'd be like oh thats it. Dp was fine with 2 but it felt so, so, wrong. I thought that eventually I would get used to it. Sold everything. 2 months later I found out I was pregnant and I have never been so shocked in my life. Apparantly we are both excessively fertile, I can honestly say it was a total accident, but once I got over the shock I was over the moon.

Even more amazing ( for me) I had a ds. When he was a year old we talked about no 4 and decided to try in about another year ( still felt like someone was mising. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Neither of us can work out how it can have happened. Midwife was in hysterics ( of the laughter kind) when I walked in, so No4 is due in August.

I am really, really hoping that when this one arrives I will know that my family is complete just likenbm. I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding or both continuously since May 2003, so I think i'm due a break

I never imagined that I would end up with 4 children aged 5 and under and I never considered a midwifery degree until my midwife spent ages trying to convince me. I guess you never really know where life will take you. At least if I do the degree there will be one more midwife out there who has done it herself a few times so to speak!

Sorry so long!!

kitkatqueen you are making me feel so much better...funnily enough my dh and i are both 1 of 3 too...and I'd thought I'd stop at 2 but Mother Nature had other ideas... (I'd got rid of all my fairly nice maternity clothes and baby stuff)and although excited now, I was a little concerned how I would cope with 3 under 4...but I guess you just do...