Fed up when people (esp colleagues) moan about their 1 child keeping them up

[LongStory]

I juggle a demanding professional job, 3 kids, a difficult pregnancy, and that's just the start of it. I try to build in lots of time with my kids, but also avoid letting people down and blowing out arrangements. Sleep is such a wonderful delight when it comes. I REALLY don't want to hear other mums (especially my staff) explaining why they can't make x event / meeting because their child has a cold or whatever.

And another thing, ... love my child-free friends to bits, but have a 3 strikes and you're out rule if they cancel at the last minute due to a crappy excuse - when I've booked the babysitter and jumped through hoops of fire to get out. Am I the only parent of a larger family who gets dead pi**ed off by this?

err, dim me.. posted before i got to the sleep bit [err i'm sleep deprived you see!]
I can have all 3 dc sleep like logs night after night - if one keeps me up i can survive
I have a friend with a screamy almost 4yo and she is permanently up several times in the night, and has been since his birth. I take my hat off to her.

Well whilst I do think one child keeping you up is hard I have to say, doing that and caring for another 2/3 during the day is a lot harder and more of a toll emotionally than seeing to one child's needs imho.
That one child may well go to school allowing you downtime, or have a nap during the day.

It's not just the lack of sleep that should be taken into account, it's the washing and cleaning up after effectively six people, making 5 beds, school runs or in my case HE'ing 2 of them (but that is our choice).

Seeing to one after a sleepless night is a piece of piss when compared to managing another 3 and being heavily pregnant the next day too.

Just thought I'd show some support for the OP. Congrats on your 'surprises' btw

LS - You sound a very demanding person.
Have to say that I'm relieved that you're not my friend or work colleague But then you would probably be relieved that I'm not yours.
You seem to have very little tolerance for other people's situations and think everyone should be just like you.
I remember very well having full-time job and a pfb who wouldn't sleep. It doesn't matter if it's one child or 10, if you're not getting enough sleep, you're not getting enough sleep. To be honest the last thing I wanted to do was evenings out. If I was knackered I wanted to sleep and if I wasn't then getting someone to babysit was virtually impossible anyway.
As for the 3 strikes and you're out I'm not sure how you can be like that with people you call your friends. Presumably they all 'know what you're like'.
Congrats on the pg. Hope it all goes well and if it gets a bit tough after they are born I hope your friends/colleagues are a bit more understanding of you than you seem willing to be of them.

you sound nice perhaps you need a good night's sleep

Bah, the OP is pregnant, sleep-deprived and stressed, so she's having a rant on MN instead of upsetting anyone IRL. I come on here and discharge my bad feelings sometimes, rather than spray lava over my underserving nearest and dearest

Yes it's bloody irritating when people complain who have fewer children/fewer commitments/can otherwise be perceived as having less to complain about than us. I'm sure the OP knows really that being kept up all night by one child isn't much different from being kept up by 2. BUT it's quite a tall order to be working full time with three kids and a difficult pregnancy, could be agree on that at least?

One child or many, it's tiring and difficult. If you have more than one, it's very rarely all of them at once that are awake or ill. You're being very unreasonable.

It completely depends on your children. Since having ds I have been sleep deprived and he finally slept through at 3.11yrs. Dd1 is up and down with her sleep but generally it will be unsettled due to her asthma. However dd2 is in a league of her own and 2/3 times a week will be awake from 12-5am. So even if she was an only I would be complaining about sleep deprevation as its like torture.

Surprise twins? As in, you only just found out at the end of your pregnancy? Am terrified now

Thinking they shouldn't ever complain is unreasonable. Being annoyed because they are taking time off is not unreasonable at all. But if you want them to be there, then you need to TELL them and be clearer in your disciplinary procedures. I have never worked anywhere where this would have been a remotely acceptable reason to take the day off work.

Shes in large families let her rant about her tiring large family. I remember being exhausted with one but I'm with Greensleeves I think OP just needs sympathy.... and some sleep.
Good luck with it all longstory

my workplacedoes allow 5 days per year for emergency childcare
its there for days when you cant take them to nursery due to vomititing
Or for when your nanny/cm is vomiting

I think its a fabulous scheme because you dontg need to phone and pretend to be ill yourself therefor bumping up your own sick record

1 child or 11.. childcare is a nightmare if someone is ill

All my family and friends work ful time so support during the week is non -existent

so cut your employees some slack jsut because you have moer kids

I would be severely hacked off if I had to cover for a colleague who took the day off just because her child had been up in the night. And I speak as the mother of hideous sleepers. You just go to work.

Thanks for the maltesers and coffee! I think the reason I'm having a moan here is that IRL people find me super-understanding about these things - and come to me for sympathy, whereas I would very rarely moan about topics such as night time wakings, amount of housework etc. People returning from mat leave ask to work for me because they I have a reputation as a more sympathetic boss. But maybe I've been too soft with my team, too demanding on myself, and repressing my annoyance!!!

I think you have hit the nail on the head. You know what they say on those assertiveness courses - if you are a people-pleaser type, need people to like you and find it hard to be assertive, then quite often you end up burning with suppressed resentment and then it all explodes.
I think you might need to have a chat with HR about absences for tiredness, and come up with a policy that you can distribute to your team. They then might start lying about being ill to cover the fact that they are used to taking a day off whenever they feel a bit knackered, but that's something that can be dealt with via disciplinary eventually.

TBH this is very rarely a problem at work with my current team - but I've hit a sore nerve judging from the strength of feeling of comments here. Has been a big problem in the past with social engagements, though, with some friends just cancelling things three or four times in a row. When DH & and I only get about two days a month for time with friends, (as he works weekends), and we cancel several things to work round one, it's frustrating.

After a good night's sleep (thanks kids!) I feel a bit better about stuff.

Sorry - meant to say we turn down several things to work round one. Not cancel!!!

Longstory - I'd say you are really competitive, which is probably great in your career, so can understand when you don't want excuses from colleagues.

But think that social occasions, a bit more understanding wouldn't be a bad thing.

Besides, not sure if you get incrementally more tired/exhausted/busy the more children one has? Or does it just get to be a permanent thing?

If you are getting cancelled at the last minute by friends, doesn't this mean you have the whole evening with DH?

Hi LS, I haven't read all the posts, so not sure what everyone else has said, but funnily enough I'd say I was much more useless and disorganised when I just had one child. I coped much less well with the sleep deprivation and my support network and babysitting options were not so organised. I don't have a large family (expecting no.3), but I still do find it a bit irritating when friends of mine who have only 1 are late etc, but I try to remember how hard I found it with my first - whereas no.2 just fitted in without me thinking about it (and I'm really hoping no.3 will be the same)

That said I agree with you. Despite the above there is no way on earth that I would have failed to go into work just because I'd been woken in the night and somehow or other I managed regular long and short haul travel for work and don't remember ever blowing out plans once they were made (i'd stick by them by hook or by crook to be honest, but maybe that's just me valuing the small amount of 'me' time available!). I think that it helped that like you DH and I (as we were both working) treated the child care issue as a joint one.

You're really bottling up a lot of negative vibes, story.

Your high standards re your work, childcare and asocial life are to be applauded but all it takes is for one child to becoe ill in a family - whether there is one child in the family or five - and daily routines go belly up.

You chose to have a large family.

Is 3 not a large family?

As far as the work thing goes, I think you may be being a bit soft- where I work, if any of us call in sick it is hugely inconvenient for the rest (means someone else has to go in on a day when they wouldn't normally, find childcare at short notice etc, or work a 12hr+ shift) so unless any of us is so ill we can't stand, we would never take the day off, so I find it really surprising that your coleagues can take a day off because they got up in the night a few times!!

having said that, I think some people cope better without sleep than others. I am a vet, so was used to getting up in the middle of the night, getting dressed, getting in the car and driving in all weather to some obscure farm, then spending maybe 2 hours struggling to calve a cow (eg), get home at 5am, knackered and filthy, have a shower... then get called out to something else, and still have a full days work ahead of me, so getting up a few times in the night to see to a baby wasn't such a huge deal to me, as it was to friends more accustomed to a full night's sleep! I am also a person who naturally doesn't need a lot of sleep (am fine with 4 or 5 hours), so I do sometimes find it hard to empathise with those who really struggle without their 8hrs. Still not sure it warrants a day off work, though!

I have 3 under 5, but remeber how hard it was when I just had one! It took me so long to get her into a good sleep routine (used to sit holding her hand for 4-5hrs a night, crying with helplessness ) Somehow the next two were a whole lot easier, and we haven't had sleep problems at all with them, so I'm not sure that the numbers thing actually works!!

As far as your friends go, I can see why you would be a bit annoyed- you sound like the kind of person who, having made an agreement to do something, will stick to that no matter what (I can be a bit like this- HATE letting people down), but I suppose not eveyone feels like this- they probably think that as a friend with children you will be sympathetic, I don't know. I think, though, that maybe they would be better not to make arrangements until their circumstances will allow them to be more confident that they can honour them. I missed a friend's party last night, but I told her when she invited me that I would make it if I could, but there was a strong possibility I wouldn't be there, due to ds's chest infection, so hopefully she won't be too annoyed. I think if I was you I would either make arrangements with a whole group of people, so that if one or two cancel I could still go out with the rest, or just arrange to go out with your dh and see them there IF they can make it- less pressure, and less for you to get annoyed about! (although where you get the energy for a busy social life with 3 kids AND pregnant with twins amazes me!!)

Cor I have stirred up the dust! Feeling a bit over-analysed here - still I did walk straight into it! Not sure that I chose a large family, am finding the whole unplanned extra two thing quite difficult - this is probably why I'm focused on the numbers/size thing when of course it's still very tough if any one child doesn't sleep or is ill. Maybe I could drop the career, get DH to get a proper job, and instead write a book about best etiquette in letting other people down when you have split loyalties, and research tolerance. Must read the marvellous Abbot's views on finding happiness. www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/nov/08/finding-happiness-christopher-jamison

I don't think the fact that you chose or didn't choose a large family really matters - you're still entitled to a good moan! (But so am I... )

Good luck with it all, LongStory. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

Hester - now if i was really competitive, i reckon i could give your gran a run for her money! But maybe an anonymous moan is good for the soul, and we all need one from time to time! Sure I'll get through this with my trademark smile. Just wish I could be as tolerant and understanding as some of you mums here.

Oh, it's easy to be tolerant and understanding when it's not you involved... I have a friend who has three under three and a demanding job, who is resolutely un-British in her determination to let it all out. "Shoot me now", she roars down the phone, and: "Blessed? I know I'm blessed. Just let me be a little less blessed in the next life". Very healthy.