Struggling with third baby

[Threelittlebirds1]

Looking for reassurance please, please no comments about what did I expect etc, I'm feeling very fragile atm and obviously I can't change my decision now!

Bit of background- had dc 1&2 fairly young (but after establishing my career, if relevant). I've always been quite maternal and loved raising them, of course there were hard times but overall I never felt overwhelmed. I always wanted 3 dc but husband didn't so assumed we'd stop at 2, and was happy with that although the longing for another never went away. DH then seemed open to the idea and I spent years agonising over the decision. I have a tendency to overthink things and obsess a bit, I really thought it through. All the sensible reasons pointed to sticking at 2, but I just couldn't get over that urge for another and felt that we could provide well for another, even though of course life would be more complicated. We had a now or never moment and I fell pregnant right away.

Baby is now 8 months, dc1 10 and dc2 is 8. I was worried how their lives would be affected but can honestly say that so far baby has enriched their lives more than I could have imagined. They absolutely adore her and due to age gap there doesn't seem to be any jealousy. Also their lives haven't had to change in terms of clubs etc as baby just tags along. I however am really struggling. I don't think I have pnd, I love dc3 so much and feel we have completely bonded. I also don't feel depressed as such. I just can't help but think that my quality of life was so much better before. I didn't think I'd miss my freedom as I know how quickly the early years go, and I don't remember feeling like I was missing out before. I miss my old life so much. I now feel that the longing for a third was just intense nostalgia for my big ones growing up. Everything just seems relentless now, dh is great and hands on but I am breastfeeding and don't want to miss out on my older ones, this means I am often doing bedtime with the older ones until 9pm and then have to get ready for bed myself as baby is up every couple of hours through the night. I miss just being able to go downstairs and have an evening! I miss going out with the older ones without having to worry about baby. I miss going for long walks with friends as it was easy to leave the others for a day. The list goes on. Even when baby is sleeping early evening I can't really relax as know she'll be up soon. House is a state, washing is endless, everything just feels so relentless and I find myself ruminating about my decision, not just in the short term but in the long term too. I've missed out on several big events this year. I feel like days out, holidays etc will never be the same again, and while before I felt that I didn't want to have grown up children in my mid forties as I'll (hopefully) have many years ahead of me and didn't want that era to be over so quickly, I'm now thinking how on earth am I going to manage a preschooler, teens and perimenopause all in one go! I know it's not helpful to think like this and all of the what ifs but I can't seem to snap out of it. Ultimately I know that as much as I love dc3 if I had my time again I wouldn't have made the same decision, but it's not helpful to be constantly thinking that. Or reading negative stories of 3dc. I'd love to hear some positives of having 3 children/2 with a big age gap/an unexpected child. Thanks for reading.

I think first and foremost, you need to get a referal to get yourself some councelling, this sounds very much like postnatal depression. Life definitely can be a lot better then what you are feeling now, you just need to learn techniques to manage more sufficiently and rewire your brain to have more of a positive outlook on your situation and brainstorm new ideas to for a better situation for yourself also you need to find ways to enjoy yourself and maybe make more time for you away from the kids. Also leaving baby at home with their father so you can have quality time with your older children isnt a bad idea and wont hurt the baby what so ever and then this can give dad some bonding time with baby. Postnatal depression doesnt mean you dont like your baby or want to harm your baby, it presents itself as feeling of overwhelment , feeling low moods, feeling angry, resentment, feeling like you have no control and your life feels like it has ended, it can also show itself as depression and anxiety and exhaustion and you feel as though there is no solutions or way out, I strongly suggest you seek some help even if its to talk it out. I am a mother to 10 children and have gone through prenatal and postnatal depression many times though each case presents differently but I understood I needed help. I also have large age gap groups. My younger 2 toddlers are 6 and 8yrs younger then what our youngest child was before them and my eldest child is 22yrs old and the rest are teenagers 15 and up. Honestly its hard work as the teens have laye nights and need picking up plus jobs of their own and some don't have licences so we do all their travelling plus school events and so forth which are hard to go to with 2 toddlersaureses who cant sit still and are loud and throw tantrums but we manage and plan ahead and hubby and I tag team. You definitely need to be able to heavily rely on your partner especially when feeling overwhelmed, help with household chores or washing and when you want time to yourself or spend time with the older kids.

3 is bloody hard. It can be magic and I am glad we have three but gosh it's hard. The baby days and the nobody being able to do the same activities and the cost and and and but also laughing and cuddling and so much joy. The support they give each other the love they share.

It gets better and it gets worse and then better again.

Your 8mo DC is up every 2hrs in the night? Is this temporary or has it been like this for 8 months? Because if so it's no wonder you are exhausted and feeling like this. I could be wrong, but I know that if it was me the worry and rumination would melt away with a few decent nights' sleep and seem incomprehensible.

Sounds to me like you’re suffering from sleep deprivation. An 8-month-old waking every two hours is very unusual. More solids? Supplementary bottles?

A breastfed 8 month old waking every two hours is hard but not very unusual at all. Would you consider co-sleeping OP to try to get more sleep? The sleep thing will improve as baby gets older but in the meantime you might get a bit more rest.
In terms of positive stories my DH is the oldest of 3 with similar age gaps and now in their 50s and 40s. He's very close to his youngest brother, they're great friends and that BIL's wife is wonderful and one of my favourite people despite the age gap between us. I'm thankful my PIL had that third child 😀

Unfortunately an 8 month old waking every two hours is not unusual. Could be they never got into better sleep patterns following the 4 month sleep regression or it could be the 8 month sleep regression rearing its ugly head! (I am all too familiar being mum currently to an 8 month old).
OP - I agree this isn’t a classic case of PND, it can’t be ruled out yet but I can totally understand where you’re coming from. To a lesser degree I am going through similar, only I have two children with a five year age gap. Life had gradually got easier with the eldest that we hadn’t really realised until the second came along. Everything we’d taken for granted and the relative freedom we had was a shock to lose and I too am yearning for the day it gets easier. But it will. It did with your first children and it will again. We just need to be a bit patient! Try to find ways to connect with your older children and spend quality time, fill your cup that way if you can. I know it definitely has helped me having quality time with my eldest when my husband can support this by looking after the baby.
With each month that goes by our babies will be growing in independence and will no longer be so reliant on us for milk.
Have patience, give yourself grace and know that better times are on the way x

I can imagine going back to the baby stage, after a big gap is hard. You've regained some freedom and now it's gone again. It's temporary though! Baby will get older, they'll sleep, they'll be more independent, and you'll get time back.

I would second getting some counselling. Do finances allow for a cleaner? That could make a big difference to your work load and daily mood, if you feel the house is more put together.

I had a big age gap too. It does get easier, as the littler one gets bigger.

I found three DC harder than I expected (although I didn't have the big age gap). I agree with pp that you will feel better when the baby starts sleeping better. Would you consider moving her to bottles? I stopped breastfeeding DC3 at this age for exactly this reason! (Whereas DC1 and DC2 were breastfed for a year.)

An 8 month old waking every couple of hours is normal and definitely something that others can acknowledge the difficulties of without judging and trying to ‘fix’. It will eventually improve but this is always just dependent on the child. Like others mention, the only way to sort of assist with it and soften the pain is to sleep together.
I don’t know if it’s pnd, or just feelings of grief for your old lifestyle and being exhausted with the new routines. No one really talks about what it’s like to have a complete shock to the system and that jolt to adjust. It’s really hard and can bring up lots of negative feelings, I sometimes used to feel like I needed those feelings to hit rock bottom and then I would adjust and accept things before I could move forward. Like it’s a natural but horrible process for change!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, it's really helpful. It was also quite cathartic writing it down.

@Miraclemuma03 yes I think you are right that it would be helpful to seek some professional help. I have considered this but I came to the conclusion that my feelings were more linked to sleep deprivation and regret rather than pnd. I do still feel happy and no issues with motivation etc but that's interesting that it can come out in different ways - sorry to hear you have experienced this.

To those asking about sleep - I haven't slept for more than 4hrs in 8 months. She actually slept better as a newborn but as soon as she hit 3 months she started waking hourly, it's got better since but she has pretty much always woken every 2 hours with the odd 3-4 hour stretch. Thankfully she does go back to sleep very quickly so we're not up for long. She's still in the next to me, I find that better than co sleeping as she's a wriggler. Naps are also not great. I'm sure there are things I could do to help with sleep, but she is such a happy baby that I think her sleep needs are just on the lower end of the spectrum as it doesn't seem to be at any detriment to her.

Dh definitely does his fair share. I have started doing a yoga class at the weekend and this definitely helps. I do think I should plan more with just the older 2 out of the house.

I suppose some of my feelings are also linked to guilt - this is my last bonus baby and I do feel so lucky to have her and while she brings me a lot of joy I also feel bad that I'm wishing this stage away. I wonder whether counselling might help me be more present rather than always thinking ahead/thinking how different things would be if we stuck with 2 children.

@Threelittlebirds1 congratulations on your bonus baby. Reading through your post, it seems your last baby is my first baby. Mine had reflux, eczema and allergies. And like yours he didn’t sleep for more than 3 hours (woke every 2-3 hours like clockwork) until he was 23 months old. He was an end of Jan baby and we always told this story where we had guests during Christmas, put baby to sleep at 9pm and when guests left at 3am baby was still asleep. He was 23 months and I said to my husband “surely he’s too old to die from sids”. Like clockwork he woke 5 mins later.

The sleep deprivation was unbelievably awful, I don’t know how I functioned those two years. Due to his allergies, I was dairy free, egg free and at one stage nightshade free (soon dropped this as he had no nightshade allergy).

If you’re sure there is no underlying issue, I would work around baby to maximise your sleep. There is a sleep regression around 8-9 months so try to bear that in mind and go to sleep before baby after evening feed. If your husband is home on time in evenings, I’d leave baby with him and go to bed. He can put baby to bed and you can takeover for the night feeds and hopefully get some sleep as you’re co sleeping.

It is a luxury having a third and I understand the guilt of having this luxury and being constantly exhausted when you were used to the big two being independent. It will pass too, my bonus baby is now 4.5 and the big two are 10 and 12 (13 in a month). The house will still be there to clean but these times with your baby is fleeting, although it feels endless.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.

Just to say, I have two older brothers myself and would have hated for either of them to not be my siblings. Being one of three is wonderful! I read somewhere, when planning a family, don’t think of the baby years but think of who you want sat around the table in 20 years time. These years will pass and your life will be so full, with so many beautiful grandchildren to love (and hand back) in years to come.

Similar ages to you and I feel the same way! Are you feeling any better?

@2goingon3 sorry to hear you are also struggling. I've been up and down, overall I would say the baby is much easier now which has definitely helped although I'm still struggling. I think I've finally accepted that I probably have pnd and have referred myself for therapy. Baby still up a few times a night, I do definitely feel better when I've had more sleep but I don't think I can blame everything on that. The school holidays are always hard because that really highlights how much harder things are with 3 so right now I am struggling more than I was a couple of weeks ago! Trying to remind myself that the alternative would be me having an easy time but still longing for another, I think I have a tendency to look back with rose tinted glasses.

Hello, I only have 2DC but would like a third, so I can’t offer you much reassurance but…

My youngest has just turned 1. It’s only now I feel like I’m starting to get time/space/sanity back. I was bf too so everything (feeding and nighttime’s) fell on me, but now eating and drinking are more solid DH can take him out for longer stints. and sleep is a bit better. And I’m bf way less so I feel like going out for a run again. When I was sleep deprived I became obsessed with the idea I didn’t like DC2’s name. And every time I was shattered I’d come back to it. I actually sent of change of name to the short form (think Alexander- Alex). Anyway my point is ongoing exhaustion amplifies some niggly thoughts - the name in my case, sounds like DC3 in your case! And I really would blame it 99% on sleep deprivation.
I don’t mean to dismiss your concerns (and by all means seek prof help) but I really think when you get some proper sleep it makes such a difference, so hang in there.

Also it sounds like you would have still been thinking about DC3 - a lifetime of regret is not a great place to be…so I think you’re better off with temporary reduction )
(ok - a couple of years kinda temporary) in quality of life versus a lifetime of wondering. Just my thoughts!

Hi @Threelittlebirds1 Im in a similar situation and have a thread on pregnancy choices. I am 7 weeks with planned DC3, my others are 7 and 5 and I’m 39. I was so sure I wanted this before I got pregnant, but now it has happened I am spiralling and don’t think I can do it, for all of the reasons you have mentioned.

Overall are you glad you had her or what would you have done in my position? Did you feel ok about your decision during your pregnancy?

@Pregnancychoiceshelp sorry to hear you are struggling. Yes the panic set in when I was pregnant so I can completely empathise. I was ok for the first couple of weeks but then it was like a flick of a switch and I suddenly felt like I'd made a huge mistake and also considered termination. I had a difficult pregnancy and my feelings definitely coincided with when the sickness set it. For me, I knew I would massively regret a termination and had faith that I made the decision to go for a third after much consideration and so I had to trust myself and not make such a huge decision i.e. termination when I wasn't at my best.

Baby has just turned one and I am so glad that I had her, we all are. That's not to say it's been easy, it's probably been the hardest year of my life and not one I will look back on very fondly! But I've realised that parenting is about the long game, it's much easier to see that now that life is easier. There's no doubt that sticking with 2 children would have been easier, and I think my quality of life was better/would have been better in many ways but I only know that now that I've had 3! If I didn't have a third I know I would always be thinking what if.
I think one reason it's been so hard for me is the age gap - I had really moved away from the early years so it was a huge shock going back, and my friends have also all moved away from baby years so it felt quite lonely at times. I actually think my ideal age gap would be if I had dc3 when mine were 5 and 7! The older ones are old enough that it is much easier physically having 3, but not so old that you've got your independence back (not that I had fully) and also you are still doing younger activities.
Life still feels quite relentless, I don't know why but 3 children seems so much more work than 2. There is never any downtime. But we really do all adore the baby. I spent so long agonising over the decision as I was worried about the impact on dc1&2 but I needn't have worried, honestly she has enriched their lives in ways I couldn't have imagined. I also think in a few years time when they are off doing their own thing I will be so glad to have dc3 at home with me! I also very much appreciate the feeling of being done, which I absolutely didn't have before - no matter how hard I tried! I hope that you are feeling better, and can navigate through this tricky time with good support, I know how tough it is. I also think it is very common to question the third pregnancy in a way you don't with the first and second.

Thank you @Threelittlebirds1 I really appreciate the message.

By the due date my older one will be 8.5 and the younger will have just turned 6 (year 4 and year 1). I agonised over this decision for the last 3 years, and actually had a mc in 2024 and then decided not to try again, and then changed my mind and it happened first cycle this time. I feel ashamed that I feel like this now after wanting it and angry that I’ve put my body through this.

I know the sickness is a huge part of what is making me feel like this but I also feel like it’s representative of the impact the baby would have - I feel so ill I can’t play with the kids, exercise, see friends, our Easter holiday was ruined. I’m really struggling mentally.

Im so glad for you though that you’ve come out the other side and are happy, which does give me hope.

@Pregnancychoiceshelp sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I know it's not the same but I can relate to the major swings in deciding whether to go for it or not. About a year before I was pregnant with dc3 we finally decided to ttc baby 3, I completely panicked and felt so certain I'd made a terrible mistake- I felt sure that if I was pregnant I'd have a termination and felt stupid for putting myself in that position. I was so relieved when I wasn't pregnant and thought at last I knew that it meant I didn't want a third and could move on. Except that's not what happened. The next month it was like I could see sense again and felt sad that I wasn't pregnant and wanted to ttc. By this point dh said no, as he'd seen how much it affected me the previous month. I then spent pretty much the next year regretting not going for it and thinking that I should have a baby x age. When a year later dh said he thought we should go for it I realised it was now or never. I won't sugar coat it - for me it has been really hard, way harder than I imagined. I have never suffered with my mental health before so I really didn't expect to. I have definitely missed out on some fun things with the older 2, going out with friends etc but that is short term. It's now easy to go to the gym, and leave baby with dh to take the older ones out. Due to breastfeeding it was always me with the baby, but in the past month I'm not feeding in the day so much so now it's easy to leave her with dh. There have also been some real positives, previously we would tend to divide and conquer as dc1&2 have quite different interests, now we do so much more as a family rather than splitting up. Also being on mat leave for a year means I've had loads of time with the older ones I wouldn't have had. I used to feel sad about them growing up, but having a baby has made me just really appreciate the ages they are and look forward to the next stages rather than mourning the past. Ultimately there are pros and cons to either decision, I wonder whether some therapy to talk things through may help? I know there's a time pressure but try not to rush into any major decisions.

I am in exactly this position - 7 weeks preg with my third, with existing children 6 & 9 - feeling hideous, full of fear and negativity, very tearful. Both choices - termination or keeping baby - feel terrible. It's the loss of my own freedom/autonomy that is wearing me down. It's helpful to know you felt the same, but equally, I'm feel for you finding this first year hard. What would you say to someone in my position?