Can’t let go of another baby

[pinkbunnylugs]

Hi everyone, I have two wonderful girls one who’s almost 10 and the other is 7. For the last five years we’ve talked on and off about having another baby and it’s never felt right especially during the pandemic. Then I got a job. And then dogs to distract myself.

I’m 35 and my husband is almost 43 and I still can’t let go of the fact of having another one. Although a big part of me is just feels like that ship has sailed. Finances would be the biggest. challenge. Then there’s all the usual being tired and going back to babies etc. My sibling just had a baby, so I’m being reminded of how hard it is.

I guess I worry that in a few years time I will regret not having another one like I regret now that we didn’t have one a few years back. I always wanted a big family. But I never wanted to have babies after the age of 35 so I feel like it’s now or never.
Will this feeling ever go away? Every I find out a friend is pregnant with a third or fourth baby I genuinely burst out crying.

I just feel so torn that it’s really Getting me down and I think about it a lot..
my husband is less on board but is open to it potentially. His main concern is finances. It would be a stretch.

Does anyone have any advice? I keep diving into work or doing more to distract myself.

I had a third. We both wanted this very much as did our DDs. There was none of the agonising that you are going through, which tells me that maybe you should stop at 2.

@Mischance im not sure it’s as simple as that though…especially now. But thanks for the feedback.

OP, if your youngest is seven, that’s a big gap, in terms of holidays and activities - do you really want to start again and be tied down by a baby? Only you can make that decision, but it will have an impact on your two older children.

I have 3 dc between the ages of 4 - 11. similiar age to you too if im honest, really honest knowing what I know now i would have stuck to two.

The decision is down to you and your family- what works best, what you want / dream for in the future and what you can afford. If you or your partner find yourself in reduancy how would you cope? If the childrens needs change how would you manage? If you or your partner become unwell how would you navigate it? The age gap will be quite large and the children will be at different stages - ie the baby will be into farm days out & tootling with a bucket & Spades in a few years whereas your older ones will be into that next stage adventurous family acitivtes like theme parks or spending time going to their mates & acitivites. Do you have family or friend support or the finance's for childcare so you can spend some time with the older kids? How will you manage with driving lessons, college funds, three lots of uniforms, shoes & electronics? Alongside school trips, activites and hobbies?

You could be cultivating some time for yourself, for your relationship in a few years. Is there anywhere you would like to visit? Any cities or places you would like to explore? Make a bucket list and see where a baby would fit in. If you fall pregnant now and have a baby at 36 they'll turn twenty when you're in your mid fifties. I also think teens are a tricky period to navigate along with a toddler in tow...also the best advice I ever read on mumsnet is to ask not if you want a baby but do you want a child? Do you want a teenager? Adult? Or is the baby / pregnancy broodiness that you're hankering after?

We had three, it was a financial struggle which we thought would be doable then my youngest recieved a life changing diagnosis which has required multiple hospital stays and admissions, round the clock care & medical equipment everywhere we go. Another of my dc has SEN needs which didn't become apparent until later on....basically it was far from what we imagined life as a family of 5. I know our life is not typical, but it can happen to anyone just one "little bump" in the road can really test any family. I love my youngest, i love them fiercely but I'm stretched thin, very very thin. I've managed to continue working (not in the same career, lower pay but flexible hours) life would of been easier to navigate and be present for my children if I stuck to the two. (I do love them, very dearly.!) Holidays as a family are becoming tricky now (not only with medical needs) as my eldest and youngest have completely different wants & wishes - we do have good family support so can afford a couple of weekends with our kids individually participating in something that they enjoy and love (eldest is a big theme park fan!) Its tested my relationship & the future is not how I pictured. I hope this doesn't come across as doom & gloomy but when we made the decision for our youngest beautiful dc we didn't consider illness or disability (or we did briefly but was very naive about it!) And how it would affect the whole family. I'd really take some time to think and make a decision not just for you but for your current children and what you all want for the future.

Best of luck and wish you all the best xx

You have two lovely children and presumably a career. Why do you want to go backwards in your life?

I know a few people who planned a 3rd but then had twins. The older you get the more likely you would have a multiple pregnancy.

I had two children in my late 20's and two at 36&38. Also had and have decent career. All planned and have all been a joy.middle two have an 8 year gap and are v close. All get along great and I wouldn't change a thing.

With that sort of gap, I think you need to have two more. I had mine at 34.5 and 38 so I don't get your issue about being 35 but you may have moved on in the context of life stages. I wish I'd had a third but my cut off was 41 and I couldn't face another miscarriage or loss. It all worked out fine.

If money would be tight, don't. They get very expensive when they hit their teens.

We have 3, now aged 10, 12 and almost 14.

so we had them close together and thought it would be fine but we totally underestimated the financial impact of 3 children.

The third maternity leave set me really far back in my career and I never really recovered from that.

The baby/toddler years were tough financially but now we are just hitting whole new levels. It’s residential school trip, scout trips, guide trips, music lesson, cricket club and yes I know all those things are optional but that’s what we want to be able to offer the children and doing it 3 x is really hard. And will get harder. The teenage years are expensive and of course I love them all so much but if you already think it will be a squeeze I think in reality it will be even tighter than you think.

I think with that age gap the third child would feel like an only. For that reason it would be a no from me.

It’s hormones! Ignore them, they’ll go away eventually. Dont do it - it will impact your existing kids - less time with you, less money. Affect your career, your time with your husband. You’ll need money for uni etc potentially, for a third child which will impact the other two who will need support earlier. What if it’s twins? What if there are issues with another child’s health? You’re just getting life back op, why not enjoy the two you already have. Just my view FWIW.

Everyone seems to assume everything will just be ok. My friends grandson was recently born very prematurely. It doesn’t always just happen as you hope.

Just do it x you’ll make it work - we did

@23fplo3 thank you. For me it’s not about a baby it’s about having a large family in the future. It’s definitely the long game. I have thought about all these points you brought up and yes my head is a firm stay at two but my heart swings me back quite often it’s hard not to listen to. My eldest is autistic so there is already that challenge and it’s already there in the genes… so yes you never knew what child you get next or what crop up in the future. Thanks for being so candid.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast that's a really good point. Thank you

@23fplo3 what makes it extra hard is that my youngest has always wanted a younger sibling and still does now. Apparently that was her birthday wish just gone (my heart!). I know that’s not a reason obviously, but it doesn’t help with my emotions. My eldest doesn’t care for any more lol

I was the third child after a long gap, with two older siblings. Honestly, it wasn't so great. They played with me a lot at first, but by the time they were 15 they'd moved on to boyfriends etc. And a few more years later they'd moved out to uni, leaving me basically an only child at home. I missed them so much.

So - think about how it would affect this potential youngest child, to have two much older siblings.

I don’t think it’s as simple as you being this fraught on the decision = you shouldn’t have another. I think a third is naturally a much bigger decision and I think if you’re naturally anxious of course you’ll be like this. There’s no perfect answer, there never is. We had the 3rd and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Finances would be the biggest. challenge.

That will have a big impact on your existing children, and they have to be the main consideration here.

@Poster57 did you have a large age gap?

I had a third one at 37. Had two already and there was a six year gap between my middle and youngest. Like you, I knew I wasn’t ready to stop at two, but thought it was sensible to. In the end though the longing was too much and I had a third. Was the best decision I ever made. I knew it was right and as soon as I had her the broodiness went away and I felt so content. Have never regretted it. There’s so much love between the three of them and me that it’s just lovely. Was hard financially but I didn’t care. I don’t think the longing would have ever gone away if I hadn’t done it tbh. luck whatever you decide.

@comfyslippets that’s lovely. My youngest, even if we fell pregnant now, would be almost 8 so for me it’s quite different from a 6 year gap. I think 6 is ok and more doable.
I have feeling that the ship has sailed for us maybe and I’m more annoyed at myself that we just didn’t do it a couple years ago :( I feel my heart will always be sad but maybe it’ll get less and less like that… that’s the hope anyway. Like another poster has said; with siblings 8 and 11 years older, I think it would be a bit sad for them really :/

The ship has definitely not sailed! If you feel in your heart that its what you want, hubby is on board and you have a stable life etc... it is completely do-able. You are 35.
My daughter is soon to be 17, my son is 7 and Im now 34 weeks pregnant with my suprise menopause baby at 41. It was a big shock as I thought I was done and dusted but honestly we are all now so excited and I cant believe I actually hadn't wanted any more?
You may regret not having another, but you'll never regret a new child 😊

Mine are 18, 15, 10 and 8. I didn't want DC3 to be on his own growing up so gave him a younger sibling.