How to come to terms with no more children

[Fizhy]

We have a 4 yr old DD and a 1.5 ye old DS and my husband has made it very clear he does not want anymore children and I’m really struggling. I respect all of his reasons and logically I can see all the reasons why stopping at 2 is a good idea but I’m just so sad and can’t stop crying. I know I’m being ridiculous. We have 2 healthy children and a 3rd isn’t going to give us anything more but totally selfishly my heart just feels like there’s someone missing from our family. My husband doesn’t understand how I feel as he very much has that ‘done’ feeling whereas I don’t and I wish I did so I could feel ok about closing this chapter.
My husband also thinks the ‘someone missing’ feeling is bizarre too as it’s just an imaginary idea in my head. Which again logically I know it is and I need to let it go.

how do I move on because the sadness is just consuming me and I keep bursting into tears. I feel like I need to grieve the loss of the family I wanted and thought we’d have. I’m not ready to let go of the baby stuff and every time I think about doing it I just cry. All my friends who knew they were done happily got rid of all their baby stuff and were glad to see the back of it.

I know I need to respect my husbands decision to not have anymore children and that’s final but it just feels so unfair when I desperately want 1 last child. We feel in a no win situation because either way one of us will feel resentment.

do I need therapy?! (Half joking, half serious). I’m sure it will pass but at the moment I just feel like I’ll always feel this deep sadness that we didn’t have a 3rd child and I’ll always regret it which is something I’ll need to learn to live with.

I feel for you, I really do as this is the loss of a potential family you thought you may have and if it is final you need to find some coping strategies to move forward. It is a grieving process I think. I’m in a similar situation in that I don’t feel done after 3 dc but there is still that missing person so your feeling are valid and not uncommon.

It does sound like therapy would help as I think there is a lot to process.

Maybe it's too soon? Your dc 2 is still in the baby stage... Nappies and sleepless nights are still too fresh maybe?

Apparently families of 3 children are the most stressed. Two is a good number.

I felt the same after my second. It was a really intense feeling but it passed.

Thanks @Mumrant123and @Campingisnexttogodliness. I think it’s definitely final. We’re in our mid 30s and my husband has said if we were younger and could leave it a few years until they were both in school then it might be different but we don’t have the luxury of that much time. I also wouldn’t want a huge gap between them as I like the gap we have now and I just want to extend parenting by a few years rather than feel like we’re starting over again because that feels like it would be trickier for us (if that makes sense?).

Admittedly he doesn’t love the baby years and I think I’ve been clinging on to hope that by now he would have started to change his mind. He said he also thought he might have started to feel different by now but if anything it’s cemented his view that he’s done. But he also doesn’t do any sleepless nights as I’ve co-slept and breastfed from birth with our youngest (which I’m happy with, this isn’t me complaining about that) so in the nicest way the baby years haven’t been that ‘hard’ for him in many ways and he definitely gets more involved now at the toddler stage.

@Mummyboy1logically I know that, I’ve seen that stat before too and I know that two is a good number but my logical brain can’t shake off this deep overwhelming sadness at the moment. I could read a list of a 100 reasons why not to have more children and logically it would make sense but my heart just can’t accept it. And I know that sounds crazy.

@Fizhy it's not crazy. I've got two, boy and girl. I don't want a third child but I would live to do this all again, the pregnancy, the newborn etc. If I could have my children again, I would

I had this and it did eventually pass. I do still think what could have been but also happier we have some older now and we are looking at emigrating so don’t have the challenge of a younger one

I had this and it did eventually pass. I do still think what could have been but also happier we have some older now and we are looking at emigrating so don’t have the challenge of a younger one

Where did you read that?
This is a very subjective comment, making it out to be factual!
I have 3 and I’d say im no more stressed than when I had 2.
This comment doesn’t add much to make OP feel better if that’s what you are trying to do, her feelings are deep rooted.

I think you need to enjoy the family you've got. I don't mean don't grieve, but I do mean do things as a family of 4, often. Love them, enjoy every single moment, and consider how much easier things are as a family of 4 compared to a family of 5, and make conscious choices to appreciate that things would be harder as a family of 5, one being a baby.

Plan lovely days out, picnics, holidays, road trips, and see just how much easier it is with just 2 children, their luggage, your luggage, etc. Don't let what could never have been get in the way of what you have now.

@Sunflowergirl1 thank you. I’m trying to work out how normal my feelings are as I don’t have any friends who feel this way so me being so emotional just feels a bit ridiculous and irrational as nobody really ‘gets it’. I’m hoping it will just eventually pass. Or maybe I do need therapy as I’m not sure it’s normal to feel this sad/emotional about it and I don’t want the resentment to just build.

@Jimmyneutronsforeheadthis is something I’m trying to remind myself of daily. I’ve spent so long imagining us as a family of 5. Whenever we’ve gone anywhere I’ve pictured how we’d do it as a 5 and have struggled just being in the moment because my mind is always in this ‘fantasy land’.

I am sorry you are feeling so upset. You have clearly really enjoyed the baby stage and do not want it to end. But I do agree that you need to honour your partner's wishes especially, as financially there are implications for a bigger family. My sister had 3 DDs and she said the change from going from 2 to 3 was greater than 1 to 2. For example, they needed a bigger car, it affected holiday plans, they lost their spare bedroom because they could not afford a loft conversion or to move to a bigger house.

I was one of three girls too and didn't get my own room until I was in my teens. In terms of the family dynamic, we were always 2 and 1 - two of the girls close and playing together and the third on their own. It wasn't always the same two and one, it varied. I only ever got to wear hand me downs, but the clothes were too worn after me, so both my sisters got new. It is no fun being the middle child!

I guess my point is that three children is not ideal in many ways and I hope you can start to see the benefits of having two and enjoying your family as it is.

Stop it, your reasons are minor compared to the benefits of having another child.
it is possible to go on holiday and drive around with 3 children you know! Oh sorry you didn’t get your own room until your teens. However these are all materialistic things and not the deep reasons why someone does/ doesn’t want another child. There are always ways around these practicalities. The need for another child are deep within which I can fully understand the OP. It’s her want for more joy, noise, laughter, new and different memories… the list is endless and PRICELESS, hence why it is difficult to come to terms with if this is the end of more future children.

Thanks @mugglewumpI do logically understand all of that. These are things I’ve thought about but in my head I always find solutions. We have a 7 seater already. We’re already looking at moving to a 4 bed next year. We don’t do package holidays and normally go with extended family in lodges, houses etc so for now a 3rd wouldn’t really make a difference. But I know this is me putting a simplistic spin on it to make it work for what I want. All these logical reasons doesn’t stop my heart aching for another baby.

the only way I can explain it is when you experience a bereavement it doesn’t stop you appreciating everyone else that are still alive in your life. I am so appreciative and thankful for the 2 children I have but it feels like a bereavement for something I’ve never had. Which I don’t know is rational or how to work through it.

Thanks @Mumrant123 I feel like if you have these feelings yourself you totally get it. I think it’s hard when you haven’t felt it to understand how your heart can rule your head

It's really hard.

My story is a little bit different to yours. I had a horrific pregnancy, and then when DS came along he wasn't hitting his milestones, then he got an autism diagnosis, then I got burnout, left work, got my autism diagnosis and now we live with family for support.

I would absolutely love another little one though and I still imagine these wonderful days out, chaos at home, laughing, crying, falling outs, making up, brushing their hair and teeth and reminding them they look smart and beautiful, but sadly because of the level of support both DS and I need, I know that it would unfair and impractical. We're still changing nappies and wiping bums 6 years on, and it's hard work.

But then when we go out to fun places, I see the joy my little boy has having his 1 on 1 time, how knowing there's always someone there to support him, how we can just about fit all his things in the car along with ours, and it takes the sting away a bit. I would do anything for that little boy, including not extending our family further.

The feeling doesn't necessarily go away, or it hasn't for me, but it is taken over by love and joy in other places, and the more we do these things, the easier it gets.

I fully understand you, although my story is a little different too. While I do have 3 dc, I would like another (always have), and mostly my DH is on board but then sometimes he changes his mind so I get quite upset and then I have to start imagining life as we are and I really miss that extra person who isn’t even here, it’s a very similar grief to when I had MCs so I wonder if there is something there related. Who knows where things will end up but I don’t have long and I don’t want big gaps. I also fully appreciate what we do have and we are lucky but that still doesn’t take away those feelings. X

I feel exactly the same and have been searching for posts on this topic lately. However I am older than you and so are my DC, so reaching the point where the age gaps would be too big and me too old. A third has always been a hard no for my DP, but he has always said he would be supportive if we had an accident. I'm now regretting not pushing it 2 or 3 years ago. You still have time and perhaps yours will change his mind. But try to make sure you appreciate how tiny yours are now or you may feel like you've missed it pining for another.

Thanks @Jimmyneutronsforeheadyour situation sounds really hard. Although it’s not exactly the same, I think it’s the fact that the decision around having another child has been taken out of our hands which is the same and what resonates. If our circumstances were different then maybe more children would be an option which is hard to accept. But I do get that I shouldn’t dwell on the ‘what ifs’ because there’s no point and I need to keep focusing on the positives.

@Mumrant123ive also had 2 MC’s and I do wonder if that is related and I just have this sense of someone missing. It’s partly another reason why my husband doesn’t want to try again. Although my successful pregnancies were fine and pretty uneventful the first miscarriage in particular was quite traumatic and he just found the whole pregnancy thing a worrying time and he doesn’t want to put us through that again. Whereas I didn’t mind being pregnant and I’d happily go through it again if the outcome was another child added to our family. I think the changing minds is hard too because it keeps giving you hope. My DH started by saying let’s have 2 first and then a ‘chat’ about a 3rd. It wasn’t an outright no although he’s never seemed keen. I clung on to hope but now he seems to definitely have decided it’s a no.

@HannahSternsBlouseah I’m sorry you feel the same way too. This is my worry that I will regret it so much in a few years when we are too old and it’s just not even an option anymore. I think I’ll look back and wish I’d just pushed a bit harder. But equally I don’t want him to feel like he’s had to have a kid he doesn’t want as the resentment would probably ruin our relationship. You’re also right about not missing the time now. It’s so hard because I’m struggling to enjoy this time because I just feel overwhelmingly sad that everything is my ‘lasts’ now and I won’t get to experience it again. Which I know I’ll also regret down the line when I’ll probably feel like I didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have.

My DH felt the same when our two were those ages but suddenly changed his mind when our youngest turned 4. I think we needed a chunk of time not being in the trenches for him to really contemplate the idea. Me going on about it when the youngest was 1.5 would have slammed the door shut permanently on the idea I imagine however.

Mine are 18, 15, 9 (almost) 10 and 8.

I had a big gap between DC2 and DC3 so that justified having DC4 so DC3 and DC4 could grow up together age wise.

All is not lost. Your DC are still very small!!

@Thepossibilitythe problem with us waiting is we’re about to turn 36 & 37 so leaving it another 2.5yrs takes us to almost 40 and my husband has categorically said there’s not a chance he’d have kids when he’s 40. So we don’t really have the option to wait that long. I think we could give it another year until we’re 36 & 37 but he’s already said it’s doubtful that he’ll change his mind in a year. My DH has said that if we could wait until they were both in school (our youngest will be starting in 3yrs) then he would probably reconsider but feels we’ll be too old by then so we go back to it being final that he’s done.

@user1476613140given it’s been a hard ‘no’ to a 3rd I think the suggestion of a 3rd and a 4th in a few years would send him running for the hills 😂. I also don’t feel any strong desire to have more than 3. I feel like I just know 3 is my number and as soon as that baby was born I’d be done. I think I’d still feel some sadness but not overwhelming like I do now.

It sounds to me like you’ve used having children to make up for other things lacking in your life.