How to come to terms with no more children

31 replies

Fizhy · 21/08/2025 13:09

We have a 4 yr old DD and a 1.5 ye old DS and my husband has made it very clear he does not want anymore children and I’m really struggling. I respect all of his reasons and logically I can see all the reasons why stopping at 2 is a good idea but I’m just so sad and can’t stop crying. I know I’m being ridiculous. We have 2 healthy children and a 3rd isn’t going to give us anything more but totally selfishly my heart just feels like there’s someone missing from our family. My husband doesn’t understand how I feel as he very much has that ‘done’ feeling whereas I don’t and I wish I did so I could feel ok about closing this chapter.
My husband also thinks the ‘someone missing’ feeling is bizarre too as it’s just an imaginary idea in my head. Which again logically I know it is and I need to let it go.

how do I move on because the sadness is just consuming me and I keep bursting into tears. I feel like I need to grieve the loss of the family I wanted and thought we’d have. I’m not ready to let go of the baby stuff and every time I think about doing it I just cry. All my friends who knew they were done happily got rid of all their baby stuff and were glad to see the back of it.

I know I need to respect my husbands decision to not have anymore children and that’s final but it just feels so unfair when I desperately want 1 last child. We feel in a no win situation because either way one of us will feel resentment.

do I need therapy?! (Half joking, half serious). I’m sure it will pass but at the moment I just feel like I’ll always feel this deep sadness that we didn’t have a 3rd child and I’ll always regret it which is something I’ll need to learn to live with.

OP posts:

Mumrant123 · 21/08/2025 22:24

Gooddry · 21/08/2025 22:20

It sounds to me like you’ve used having children to make up for other things lacking in your life.

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Like what are you suggesting?

Squishymallows · 21/08/2025 22:26

Oh OP I feel for you so much. My husband kept saying ‘I can’t wait to get rid of the buggy soon’ not long after DC2 was born. It made me silent cry. I always imagined 3 children. He was 90% sure he was done. I felt so jealous of pregnant women. I dreamt of 3 children. It was all I ever wanted.

then I accidentally fell pregnant and he pushed me for a termination. I cancelled the night before the surgery. He ended up changing his mind and DC3 is here and it feels like they were supposed to all along. Husband talks about how he’s so glad we have 3 now. I’m so sorry I don’t know what I would have done if life had been different but I would definitely have tried therapy to process my feelings. Huge hugs. You’re not imagining the grief.

Original poster

Fizhy · 21/08/2025 22:36

@Squishymallowsmy husband has also said things like that since DS was born. Every time I box up outgrown clothes he makes comments about how I should just take them to the charity shop and he doesn’t see why we’re saving them. Any equipment we no longer need he’ll just flippantly say ‘get rid’ and I just cry.

I 100% fee jealous of pregnant women. And whenever I see families of 5 I just find myself thinking that could be us and I have this pang of jealousy. I often hope I accidentally fall pregnant because then the decision would be made and I know my husband would adore them just as much as our other kids once they were here.

@Gooddry that feels like a judgey unnecessary comment. I’m really not sure what gives you that impression from what mumrant has posted.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2025 23:11

Fizhy · 21/08/2025 13:33

Thanks @Mumrant123and @Campingisnexttogodliness. I think it’s definitely final. We’re in our mid 30s and my husband has said if we were younger and could leave it a few years until they were both in school then it might be different but we don’t have the luxury of that much time. I also wouldn’t want a huge gap between them as I like the gap we have now and I just want to extend parenting by a few years rather than feel like we’re starting over again because that feels like it would be trickier for us (if that makes sense?).

Admittedly he doesn’t love the baby years and I think I’ve been clinging on to hope that by now he would have started to change his mind. He said he also thought he might have started to feel different by now but if anything it’s cemented his view that he’s done. But he also doesn’t do any sleepless nights as I’ve co-slept and breastfed from birth with our youngest (which I’m happy with, this isn’t me complaining about that) so in the nicest way the baby years haven’t been that ‘hard’ for him in many ways and he definitely gets more involved now at the toddler stage.

My friends husband said no more after their third in mid 30s, this is the year they both turn 40 and they’re not not trying again!
i think she wore him down and the baby memory is distant.
It’s much better to have big age gaps according to my friends that have one , you can really enjoy your mat leave a lot more with the big ones at school.

if he’s dead cert then I assume he’s going to be very careful to use condoms or get a v as you don’t have to have a coil or be on the pill

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2025 23:12

Ps - my child’s father and I split when I was pregnant and I am really mourning only having one (single and may be too old by time ready to try even if I met dream man tomorrow). I am super jealous of you mums with more than one!

Original poster

Fizhy · 22/08/2025 09:15

@Unexpectedlysinglemumhe has said a few times that he’ll have the snip without any hesitation now. Any maybe that’s what I need to let him go and to so there’s final closure and no more clinging on to hope. But then another part of me thinks what if he does change his mind in a years time and we’ve permanently closed that door.

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