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Original poster

Difficult relationship with sister in laws

39 replies

HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 15:55

I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years but together for almost 7. We have a 7 month old together.
My husband has 2 older sisters, one of whom is 10 years older (I'll name sally) and the other is 6 years older (I'll name betty)
My relationship with betty is friendly but distant. We get a long fine and at one point we were really good friends but after lockdown we drifted apart because I did not enjoy being around her friends and therefore distanced myself. Since then we are on friendly terms but not very close. Sally on the other hand, i have never been close to. We get a long and we talk at family events but that's it and we rarely text eachother unless we are asking the other a question.
Sally and betty are very close, and they have children similar ages which have made them even closer, they both have 5 years old girls who are best friends, as a result they do things together and do not invite me even though the family put on this "we are a close knit family" facade.
I have always tried to be friends with sally but I find her very difficult. She leaves my messages on read a lot and does not strike up a conversation with me unless she has to. I had her as a bridesmaid at my wedding along with Betty, paid for their dresses, make up, bouquet, etc but after the wedding we went back to speaking when necessary or seeing eachother at family events, this was fine until I fell pregnant. I really thought as the sisters were close and they were excited about a new baby that we would all be really close especially as they are so family orientated. Sally even threw me a surprise baby shower which was wonderful. When my child was born Sally was amazing, she visited us in hospital, bought us essentials, provided us with advice as first time parents and she was do doting. As time has gone on, she has slipped into her old ways, barely replies to my messages, never ask me how our child is but I know she speaks to her brother (my husband) and it just makes me sad when I think how close Sally and Betty are and how often they see eachothers kids. It's made me not want to reach out anymore and put in equal effort but it makes me sad because I want my child to have a relationship with their parental aunties. Betty has photos of our child in her home but Sally doesn't. Sally has photos of bettys child but not mine which makes me resentful but don't want to address it and cause family drama. I'm putting my child in nursery this year because I am going back to work but did not tell Sally for the reason that we do not speak often and it will be weird messaging out the blue to say "hey my child is going to nursery".
My parents in law told her and apparently Sally was really shocked that I never told her because Sally works in a nursery and she could give me advice about funding etc.
But why would I message someone out the blue who rarely replies to my messages? But now she's shocked I never approached her. It's made me really annoyed. She could have asked me what my plans were when I go back to work but she's never asked.
The point of this thread is how do I deal with a difficult sister in law who doesn't seem to make much effort with me but I don't want my child to miss out on a relationship?
For reference, Betty does reply to my messages and so far seems more doting so this thread is mainly more about how do I deal with Sally.
Thanks!

OP posts:
Wendolino · 28/01/2025 20:04

I think they're always going to be the close pair because they grew up together.

You can surely just be friendly when you see them but understand that you came late and your relationship with them is different.
At least you're not at daggers drawn like some sisters in law. They probably have busy lives too and any distance isn't intentional.
My SIL (brother's wife) is absolutely lovely and we get on really well but I don't think we've ever texted each other, and we don't meet up on our own because she's a very busy working mum and we live 100 miles from each other. We just don't have that kind of relationship.

jolies1 · 28/01/2025 20:11

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but as much as I like my SIL’s they just aren’t ever going to be the same as my actual sister.

They grew up together. They experienced being mums together. It doesn’t sound like the SIL is particularly “difficult,” more that she is a bit uninterested in your day to day life. That’s a shame, and I understand that will hurt but I would just keep doing what you’re doing, be polite and nice, but don’t expect you to be “sisters.” Especially as it sounds like there is quite a considerable age gap too. As long as your children are treated like family and equal to the other kids.

Original poster
HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 20:55

Wendolino · 28/01/2025 20:04

I think they're always going to be the close pair because they grew up together.

You can surely just be friendly when you see them but understand that you came late and your relationship with them is different.
At least you're not at daggers drawn like some sisters in law. They probably have busy lives too and any distance isn't intentional.
My SIL (brother's wife) is absolutely lovely and we get on really well but I don't think we've ever texted each other, and we don't meet up on our own because she's a very busy working mum and we live 100 miles from each other. We just don't have that kind of relationship.

Yeah I completely get that. I'm happy to not be close to them but my concern is I don't want my child to notice that their aunt has favourites hence why it bothers me that Sally has photos of her other niece and not my child around the house

OP posts:
Original poster
HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 20:56

jolies1 · 28/01/2025 20:11

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but as much as I like my SIL’s they just aren’t ever going to be the same as my actual sister.

They grew up together. They experienced being mums together. It doesn’t sound like the SIL is particularly “difficult,” more that she is a bit uninterested in your day to day life. That’s a shame, and I understand that will hurt but I would just keep doing what you’re doing, be polite and nice, but don’t expect you to be “sisters.” Especially as it sounds like there is quite a considerable age gap too. As long as your children are treated like family and equal to the other kids.

Thank you for your response
I will always be polite I guess after 7 years I was expecting more of a friendship, not through lack of trying but she's clearly not interested

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 28/01/2025 21:01

HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 20:55

Yeah I completely get that. I'm happy to not be close to them but my concern is I don't want my child to notice that their aunt has favourites hence why it bothers me that Sally has photos of her other niece and not my child around the house

Show quote history

Do you have photos of their kids up in your house?

Original poster
HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 21:03

Yes I do and she knows that cause she gave me the photos!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 28/01/2025 21:08

They are sisters. Of course they're closer than you will ever be. Their children are the same age too so play dates etc easier. Yabu

Original poster
HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 21:11

I understand that and I wouldn't want to be super close just feel sad for my child and don't want them to notice that their aunts have favourites

OP posts:
laraitopbanana · 01/02/2025 15:14

Hi op,

sounds like a matriarcal set up and she is the eldest so tough for the new member…you.

You won’t change it and if you talk about it, you might find that all the members back her up because they are a close knit family even if they don’t share it with you.

my advice: wait.

I know it is tough but it is her move, she knows it and you know it. There isn’t much you can do about it. Find your own knit family :)

DangerousAlchemy · 02/02/2025 07:34

But they aren't your friends - they are just related to you via marriage? They are bound to be super close as they are sisters plus both have a 5 yr old daughter. They don't really need a 3rd wheel in that relationship? Do you have a sister you are close to OP? if you don't you probably won't understand the relationship tbh. I have a lovely SIL but I don't message her very often and only really see her a few times a year. We do live 1.5 hrs away from each other though. Mind you, my Dsis lives 3 hrs from me and we are close and I make the effort to see her every couple of months and text her every other day really. I also have another Dsis I'm not nearly as close to. That's just life 🤷‍♀️

RoxyRoo2011 · 02/02/2025 07:35

HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 21:03

Yes I do and she knows that cause she gave me the photos!

Have you given her photos of your child?

To be honest, this is all a big fuss about nothing. You should consider yourself lucky that you don’t have real problem SILs.

Kitchensinktoday · 02/02/2025 07:41

But they aren't your friends - they are just related to you via marriage? They are bound to be super close as they are sisters plus both have a 5 yr old daughter. They don't really need a 3rd wheel in that relationship?

This. I think you are being a little unrealistic, OP

Viviennemary · 02/02/2025 07:44

They sound like hard work. Stop texting them. Let your husband take your child to visit if there is to be a relationship.

Vettrianofan · 02/02/2025 07:50

DH has a sister and I don't really know her. She hasn't ever made an effort to get to know me. She doesn't have children, but I do. Not much in common. I don't lose sleep over it tbh. Life with 4dc is busy!

She was at my wedding almost 18 years ago but other than that, never had any direct contact. I don't have her mobile number.

Same with DH's brother's wife - I don't have her mobile number either. We are just related through marriage and nothing else. It isn't a big deal.

No doubt will see them at funerals in the future 🤣

Autumn38 · 02/02/2025 07:59

OP I can’t actually believe the replies so far suggesting you ABU!

I have a sister in law (brother’s wife) who I’m now really close to after 10 years of effort on both of our parts. It’s not that we never got on it’s just obviously we started as strangers and it takes time to get to know someone properly especially if you don’t see them every day/week. But we’ve both made huge effort over the years including messaging each other directly, meeting up, going out together just us etc. I’ve made the effort with her because she is my brothers wife and the mother to my niece and nephew. Our children are very close too.

I think it’s really poor that your SIL hasn’t made an effort with you and your children. So what she has a sister? It shouldn’t actually impact her relationship with you. Plenty of my friends have sisters - they still foster close relationships with other women. Likewise her effort with your DC- she may have a niece who is the same age as her daughter and that is lovely, but that so doesn’t mean she can’t also be close to your children? It’s not a one or the other scenario, surely?

my only query is whether you are misunderstanding each other? Maybe her sister just knows how to read her and interact with her. Maybe she really likes to feel needed. The example of you not texting her about the nursery- I can totally see it would feel a bit weird to text and just tell her, but what if you’d phrased it as asking for her advice on some matter. So ‘hey SIL, we are looking into childcare options for DC. What would you suggest we need to think about? What questions should we ask?’ Then that could have sparked a meaningful conversation back and forth and she would have been in the loop.

The dynamic of being the eldest sister often means falling into a sort of semi parental role so maybe that is where you might find you connect with her most, if you sort of act like you go to her for advice? She might possibly be feeling like she doesn’t have much to offer if she can’t play that roll for you? Sibling roles can become entrenched and she might feel a bit at sea if she can’t see a way she is needed by you?

i might be way off the mark but it was just the comment of her being surprised. Sometimes we say we are surprised/shocked when really we mean we are hurt- so if she was genuinely hurt by you not checking in with her over the nursery it would suggest she does actually want some kind of relationship with you.

pizzaHeart · 02/02/2025 08:00

They are sisters, closer age wise and their kids are similar age. Are you joking expecting your relationship to be the same?
I wonder if Sally is not answering you etc because she wants to keep it friendly and casual but your messages are implying in a way that you want a closer relationship so she doesn’t know how to answer.
As to nursery issue. I think you could ask Sally for an advice, maybe just maybe you were a tiny bit emotional there like “you don’t want to be friends I won’t ask your advice “ , this sort of thing.
However your In-laws are shit stirring. Even if Sally was shocked that shouldn’t have been mentioned it. They could just said : “Oh Sally would love to tell you how it works, just txt her” and leave it there.

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 08:04

HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 21:11

I understand that and I wouldn't want to be super close just feel sad for my child and don't want them to notice that their aunts have favourites

Respectfully, this is ridiculous. Your child is SEVEN months old, and you are projecting a completely imaginary future in which they are upset because their aunts have photos of one another’s children in their houses, when in fact you’re just resentful because your SILs don’t have the kind of close relationship with you that you, for some reason, think they should!

You get on perfectly well, speak at family events, and occasionally text. That’s perfectly normal. I’m very fond of two of my SILs, but have minimal contact with them outside of family events, one I tolerate for my brother’s sake, one is estranged from the family, and one is a classic example of hard work, but lives abroad.

Do you not have many friends?

BouncerMum · 02/02/2025 08:26

I’ve got a rule in my life which is “ never wait around for someone to throw you a fish”. That person I’m waiting on is not worth my time and effort.

I spent many years waiting for my in-laws to treat me nicely, include me, and recognise me as a human being, and they didn’t. I too have a SIL who is a massive PITA.

You need to do what I did. I built up my own network of friends, and concentrated on my own DH and DC. Your DC just needs other DC to play with, it doesn’t need to be blood.

Live your life to the full. Don’t wait for crumbs from your SIL’s. Make great friends, plan great holidays and fun days out. Don’t tell them anything, they don’t deserve to know.

I’ll never forget the way my SIL and MIL have made me feel, like I’m nothing, via their words and actions. It’s even funnier how things turn around. DH and I are the ones with the large family now, the many DC, their friends and their parents who are like family to me, their lovely partners and hopefully DGC. I’m the one with the tribe now. In laws complain they aren’t included, but I don’t give a shit.

I’m on here now arranging Easter so they can’t muscle in on it. I won’t leave them a gap. When they ask it’ll be “ sorry, already agreed to do X” head tilt and smile.

Stop waiting around for them, create your own amazing network and social life.

saraclara · 02/02/2025 08:38

I'd have thought that if you wanted a closer relationship with Sally, you'd have used the nursery thing to initiate a conversation that might have brought you together.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 02/02/2025 08:47

Hm.

My DH has three brothers and they have wives. We all get on well and post on the family chat together.

If one of my BIL/SIL has something serious going on (an operation/an ill parent) we will text/FT.

We also link up with them all to plan big family gatherings and also if there is an issue with my elderly PIL.

But we wouldn't be in touch in a kind of day to day way.

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 09:59

That doesn't seem like a difficult SIL that seems like a normal SIL relationship and normal sister relationship.
Sally and Betty message their brother your husband asking after you all. That's your husband managing his side of the family - which MN always says men should do. Sally and Betty will obviously be closer to each other and your brother than you because they grew up with each other.

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 10:00

CosyLemur · 02/02/2025 09:59

That doesn't seem like a difficult SIL that seems like a normal SIL relationship and normal sister relationship.
Sally and Betty message their brother your husband asking after you all. That's your husband managing his side of the family - which MN always says men should do. Sally and Betty will obviously be closer to each other and your brother than you because they grew up with each other.

Absolutely!

saraclara · 02/02/2025 10:26

I got along with my SIL fine at family get togethers, but I didn't contact her or do things with her alone (they lived 1.5 his away). My DH would call her occasionally and feed back to me. Yet my in-laws were all wonderful people who were very close and welcomed me into the family whole-heartedly. I didn't see any disconnection in that at all.

My DH only saw my brother very rarely, and with me.

I think you're expecting too much from the in-law relationship. There's no reason at all why Sally and Betty need to invite you when the sisters meet up. They have their own very strong connection and history.

You were really lucky to have aSIL organise a baby shower for you, etc.
I think you're being a bit self-destructive in deliberately not opening up conversations where a connection would work well.

Why not give one of them a call and arrange to meet for a coffee?

Since my DH died, my SIL and I have become much closer. There was nothing wrong with the relationship before, it was just that as siblings, DH and SIL were the communicators.

DraigCymraeg · 02/02/2025 14:24

HolliiiM · 28/01/2025 15:55

I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years but together for almost 7. We have a 7 month old together.
My husband has 2 older sisters, one of whom is 10 years older (I'll name sally) and the other is 6 years older (I'll name betty)
My relationship with betty is friendly but distant. We get a long fine and at one point we were really good friends but after lockdown we drifted apart because I did not enjoy being around her friends and therefore distanced myself. Since then we are on friendly terms but not very close. Sally on the other hand, i have never been close to. We get a long and we talk at family events but that's it and we rarely text eachother unless we are asking the other a question.
Sally and betty are very close, and they have children similar ages which have made them even closer, they both have 5 years old girls who are best friends, as a result they do things together and do not invite me even though the family put on this "we are a close knit family" facade.
I have always tried to be friends with sally but I find her very difficult. She leaves my messages on read a lot and does not strike up a conversation with me unless she has to. I had her as a bridesmaid at my wedding along with Betty, paid for their dresses, make up, bouquet, etc but after the wedding we went back to speaking when necessary or seeing eachother at family events, this was fine until I fell pregnant. I really thought as the sisters were close and they were excited about a new baby that we would all be really close especially as they are so family orientated. Sally even threw me a surprise baby shower which was wonderful. When my child was born Sally was amazing, she visited us in hospital, bought us essentials, provided us with advice as first time parents and she was do doting. As time has gone on, she has slipped into her old ways, barely replies to my messages, never ask me how our child is but I know she speaks to her brother (my husband) and it just makes me sad when I think how close Sally and Betty are and how often they see eachothers kids. It's made me not want to reach out anymore and put in equal effort but it makes me sad because I want my child to have a relationship with their parental aunties. Betty has photos of our child in her home but Sally doesn't. Sally has photos of bettys child but not mine which makes me resentful but don't want to address it and cause family drama. I'm putting my child in nursery this year because I am going back to work but did not tell Sally for the reason that we do not speak often and it will be weird messaging out the blue to say "hey my child is going to nursery".
My parents in law told her and apparently Sally was really shocked that I never told her because Sally works in a nursery and she could give me advice about funding etc.
But why would I message someone out the blue who rarely replies to my messages? But now she's shocked I never approached her. It's made me really annoyed. She could have asked me what my plans were when I go back to work but she's never asked.
The point of this thread is how do I deal with a difficult sister in law who doesn't seem to make much effort with me but I don't want my child to miss out on a relationship?
For reference, Betty does reply to my messages and so far seems more doting so this thread is mainly more about how do I deal with Sally.
Thanks!

They are sisters! I'm very fond of my brother-in-law - a great husband, father and grandfather. He has a heart of gold and would genuinely do anything for anybody. But. He is not my brother. My feelings for bro are different and I think that is perfectly natural.

pikkumyy77 · 02/02/2025 14:42

There is a huge age difference between the siblings. They seem to think of doing some things for him/you but not doing things with him or, by extension, you. You are perhaps just too young for them to feel close.

At any rate forget all the drama over missed texts, photos, and SIL is shocked thst you didn’t ask for her help. Its just buzz. Just act like a grown up. You don’t need their support. If your dh wants to foster a close relationship with the cousins—who will be completely uninterested in a 7 month old baby—he can do it. Why do you have to bear the burden of making a close connection with his family?