Difficult relationship with sister in laws

[HolliiiM]

I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years but together for almost 7. We have a 7 month old together.
My husband has 2 older sisters, one of whom is 10 years older (I'll name sally) and the other is 6 years older (I'll name betty)
My relationship with betty is friendly but distant. We get a long fine and at one point we were really good friends but after lockdown we drifted apart because I did not enjoy being around her friends and therefore distanced myself. Since then we are on friendly terms but not very close. Sally on the other hand, i have never been close to. We get a long and we talk at family events but that's it and we rarely text eachother unless we are asking the other a question.
Sally and betty are very close, and they have children similar ages which have made them even closer, they both have 5 years old girls who are best friends, as a result they do things together and do not invite me even though the family put on this "we are a close knit family" facade.
I have always tried to be friends with sally but I find her very difficult. She leaves my messages on read a lot and does not strike up a conversation with me unless she has to. I had her as a bridesmaid at my wedding along with Betty, paid for their dresses, make up, bouquet, etc but after the wedding we went back to speaking when necessary or seeing eachother at family events, this was fine until I fell pregnant. I really thought as the sisters were close and they were excited about a new baby that we would all be really close especially as they are so family orientated. Sally even threw me a surprise baby shower which was wonderful. When my child was born Sally was amazing, she visited us in hospital, bought us essentials, provided us with advice as first time parents and she was do doting. As time has gone on, she has slipped into her old ways, barely replies to my messages, never ask me how our child is but I know she speaks to her brother (my husband) and it just makes me sad when I think how close Sally and Betty are and how often they see eachothers kids. It's made me not want to reach out anymore and put in equal effort but it makes me sad because I want my child to have a relationship with their parental aunties. Betty has photos of our child in her home but Sally doesn't. Sally has photos of bettys child but not mine which makes me resentful but don't want to address it and cause family drama. I'm putting my child in nursery this year because I am going back to work but did not tell Sally for the reason that we do not speak often and it will be weird messaging out the blue to say "hey my child is going to nursery".
My parents in law told her and apparently Sally was really shocked that I never told her because Sally works in a nursery and she could give me advice about funding etc.
But why would I message someone out the blue who rarely replies to my messages? But now she's shocked I never approached her. It's made me really annoyed. She could have asked me what my plans were when I go back to work but she's never asked.
The point of this thread is how do I deal with a difficult sister in law who doesn't seem to make much effort with me but I don't want my child to miss out on a relationship?
For reference, Betty does reply to my messages and so far seems more doting so this thread is mainly more about how do I deal with Sally.
Thanks!

You seem really angry… you don’t have to be angry.

i think you need to lower your friendship expectations. Past experience has shown you are not going to be besties or close.

I think you should get any advice that is advantageous for your family.

people that don’t ask… don’t get

If the sisters are happy talking to your h then your h is the key to getting the aunts to spend more time with your kids. However it sounds like your h won’t be as favoured so your son will still be “second best”

Personally I think that you should stop trying so hard and accept that they aren’t interested very much. It would be equally strange if they had photos of your son when they aren’t that interested. Your son will never be considered equals to his cousins because the sisters are besties and don’t want a third wheel. A shame but it will be easier if you accept this and stop chasing them for acceptance. Invest your effort and time in the friends and family who reciprocate that effort and don’t be a doormat to people who don’t care.

As for the starting nursery anecdote, as you said earlier in the post, this is a family who likes to pretend to be close so not consulting a sister is seen as problematic because you and h aren’t pretending to be close to the sisters. Yanbu to not contact her and she is unreasonable to not wonder why her brother might not have told her because your son has 2 parents. Your MIL is also unreasonable to shit stir and tell you what SIL said unless this is a warning to talk to her in future (if it is then ignore ) Have you considered telling MIL less so she can’t fuel this strange dynamic where the SILs are considered your “boss” and you are supposed to play along.

Did you give her photos of your daughter to put up and she hasn't?

Hey I think you're onto something here.
She is the type who needs to needs to feel needed and perhaps her not being direct family I feel awkward reaching out to her a lot? But I've grafted so much to be friends and I thought we would be much closer after going through a wedding and a baby together but it's not through my lack of trying. She clearly feels as though she can't reach out to me for some reason or doesn't want to. Xx

Aww thank you @BouncerMum that is a great response. I have a great circle of friends who love my child and i am fortunate enough to have made lots of new mum friends on mat leave. I just can't help feeling let down by my sister in law who dotes on her 5 year old niece but never sees or finds out how her Brothers child is. I completely understand I am not her family but our child is which is why I feel hurt. But I am just pleased my child doesn't know any different x

This is completely fair @saraclara but I didn't feel I can approach when she leaves my messages on read and has not asked me what my plans are so I didn't think she was interested but when my parents in law made a point of saying she was shocked, it annoyed me because she should of asked and I would of told her x

No I haven't but she has photos of her other niece in a frame that she's printed herself

@Autumn38

I have a SIL. My sister and I are very close. I would think it weird if my SIL decided she was going to graft herself on to our friendship simply because she married our brother.

At the beginning, she was a real "try hard" always trying to force a family bond and prove herself worthy of being part of the family. We didn't like her much. After she settled in to her relationship with my brother and was just herself, she was much easier to be around and is very likeable. I still don't feel it necessary to include her in outings with my sister. We have little in common (she likes my brother, and we don't 😆) We don't speak often but I'm always happy to hear from her.

They don't owe you anything just because you asked them to be bridesmaids. You are trying to engineer a friendship but are focused on what they are doing rather than your own actions. Why wouldn't you ask your SIL about nursery, if she works in a nursery? There have been occasions where my SIL has asked me advice about things to do with my job and I have done the same. It seems ridiculous to me, not to do that. I'd feel a bit off if I heard that my SIL had gone off and done something I know loads about and hadn't asked me about it. I would certainly feel snubbed by that.

I just can't help feeling let down by my sister in law who dotes on her 5 year old niece but never sees or finds out how her Brothers child is.

Presumably they ask their brother, or parents when they see/speak to them.

‘Going through a wedding and a baby together’? But, bluntly, these were your wedding and your baby, not some kind of major life trauma that would have bonded you all for life, as you seem to imagine..? They had their weddings and their babies too.

OP, I don’t think anyone is wrong here. Your SILs probably have no idea that you want to be as close to them as you do, or that you resent the fact that they don’t consider you a ‘full’ sister. Wouldn’t be easier all round to modify your expectations and enjoy the relationship you have?

You can surely just be friendly when you see them but understand that you came late and your relationship with them is different.

This.

My SIL (brother's wife) is absolutely lovely and we get on really well but I don't think we've ever texted each other, and we don't meet up on our own because she's a very busy working mum and we live 100 miles from each other. We just don't have that kind of relationship

and this.

Doesn't sound like you have a 'difficult relationship' with them at all, just that you haven't formed some sort of idyllic relationship that you've fantasised about.

But you are being daft complaining she doesn't have a picture of your dc in her house, when you haven't even given her one.
I usually get photos of my DNs in with our Christmas presents.

Sally is just different. You have learnt that.
The two sisters are close, as you would expect.
They have different personalities to each other.
I don't think Sally is rude, just more introverted.
Keep treating them the same but don't be surprised if Sally still acts like she does - it's her personality.
You be the type of person you want to be. Take your child on play dates with her two cousins.
Every now and again phone Sally and ask her a question about child care or parenting - just because you've heard she'd like to interact on that topic.
Don't over think the situation. They all like you; they are busy with their lives.

People do not have to get on or like each other just because they are related.
Friends are the family you choose for yourself.