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Original poster

Who will look after your children if you and their father died?

27 replies

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 31/10/2024 07:47

Just that really. We are about to go from two to four children and whilst we didn’t have a problem asking my sister to have my two girls in the event something happened to my DH, asking her or anyone else in the family to take four children in seems… challenging. None of our siblings are high earners, none have the space etc. We are fortunate(!) in that we both have assets, good life insurance and death in service arrangements so we are worth more dead than alive! So I know we could arrange something to make sure the finances were suitably arranged but… that’s only part of it right? They have their own DC - will they really want another four? We don’t have suitable grandparents to ask (long story) and we’d obviously want them all to stay together.

What arrangements have you made?

OP posts:
distinctpossibility · 31/10/2024 07:52

Obviously we hope it'll never happen but the plans we have are that my parents will move into our family home (they are only 2 miles away) and raise the kids and that our life insurance / death in service (c. £500,000 once the mortgage is paid off) will be used for any nannies, cleaners etc they might need. They are categorically NOT to try and do it all alone physically- their role is to be there emotionally for the children. My parents are only in their very early 60s, we are mid 30s and it's only 12 more years til all our kids are adults...

wizzler · 31/10/2024 08:03

Youngest Dc is 18 now, but when they were little we had stipulated that they would go to my Db and his wife, and our wills included the financial provision for this

We mainly sorted this out because the Dc grandparents are older than most and we felt in the event of our demise that the Dc would be better off living with their aunt and uncle and wanted to make this clear

fourelementary · 31/10/2024 08:11

Our older two are adults now so the second eldest would move back into our family home and be the younger twos guardian… the house would be kept until the youngest had moved out and then sold with the money being split four ways or whoever wanted to keep it would buy the others out. Or they’d all live in it forever lol.

Moonshiners · 31/10/2024 08:17

I came to the realisation they probably would be split up as no one is likely to take all 3 and if they did they probably wouldn't manage.
Asking someone to take on four is a hugely massive ask. We've been us to take on the two and to be honest I absolutely dread it ever happening. If it came to it I think we would have to consider other options as I don't particularly get on with the children and our kids don't get on either (My niece and nephew by marriage).
You can make a request but in reality you will be gone and no one can be forced to take them.

Moonshiners · 31/10/2024 08:18

Big life insurance is key here.

gettingolderbutcooler · 31/10/2024 08:22

Talked to my beloved relative who loves the kids- she will move into our home and look after them there so they don't lose school/friends etc.

ByMerryKoala · 31/10/2024 08:34

It's not worth tying yourself in knots over trying to get this right. The chances of both you and your DH dying before they reach adulthood is incredibly small and even if you did have a plan in place, as the pp says, they aren't binding and people who may have nodding along to look good might renege on their promise.

Plenty of life insurance is key so that it's a financially manageable prospect for whoever might pick up the pieces.

BelgianBeers · 31/10/2024 08:40

I have a lot of life insurance and two friends who both were happy / trusted. We set up some kind of trust - am going to make changes now the children are older but it did give me comfort having it. Still does as the cover runs for years yet. I treat the payment as a complete non negotiable.

StressedQueen · 31/10/2024 13:08

I think I am just grateful that this will never happen. My 5 children are 15, 15, nearly 13, 9 and 6 so I think asking anyone at all to take in 5 children would be really really difficult. But it would most likely be my parents. We are lucky to have a big life insurance so they would be financially capable. They are currently in their late 60s and we are in our late 30s. If it were to happen now, it would be 12 years till my youngest is 18 which wouldn't be ideal but I also have 2 brothers who would be happy to care for all 5 but I just think that wouldn't be fair at all as they both have children of their own. But I know that they'd be present.

coxesorangepippin · 31/10/2024 13:12

Tough question as we live abroad. So my parents are out of the picture

So it'd probably be BIL (which I'd be fine with, it's just SIL I'm not too sure of)

Timetoread · 31/10/2024 13:18

I have named a friend in my will as their legal guardian as she is close, sensible nd trustworthy and most likely to outlive grandparents but in reality they would probably go to my parents or some other relative, it is not stipulated as it is an unlikely event and people's circumstances change but the idea is that the legal guardian would decide what is the the best place for the child to go at the time if it ever happened.

bouper · 31/10/2024 13:19

When the DC were younger it would have been my mum. She was in her early 40s when DC1 was born, so young enough to cope with them. My youngest is now 13, and my oldest DC (who is mid 20s) would look after them - they are far more responsible than any other extended family member. The DC would inherit the home (no mortgage) and life insurance, plus a pension until youngest is 18. I've just realised that as we live in London, this is probably the only way they could get on the property ladder before they turn 40!

Ozanj · 31/10/2024 13:28

You can’t leave children to anyone. The court can take your wishes into account but in reality they will be placed with family. If there’s a big age gap I’d probably leave them all to the elder siblings with a lot of financial and practical support. Another option is to leave them to parents but pay for boarding school so the practical care issues can be minimised.

With DS, DSD would take him in and a trust managed by a group of friends and family would support them both.

BelgianBeers · 31/10/2024 18:50

You can’t leave children but court acts in their interest so if there is a funded plan that keeps children in schools with friends and with adults they know then they won’t be uprooted and sent to a biological relative unless that is both what they want and what the court thinks will be best. It’s a complicated area int she days when grandparents are often older and families dispersed.

Original poster
SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 31/10/2024 21:58

I appreciate I can’t leave children to anyone and it’s all up to the court. However, we still feel the need to make a plan of sorts so that our family would at least know what we wanted.

No big age gaps with the children really. Oldest is 5 and the youngest ones are due in January. They are all still very small (or in the twins’ case, not even born yet) so would need full on parenting rather than too much outsourcing or boarding school. We are mid-30s so no reason to think we’d die young but, never say never I guess.

I hadn’t even thought about the fact we’d want them to stay as close to home, school and friends as possible, as some PP have mentioned. DH and I both have two siblings each and whilst his are both local, we wouldn’t want them to raise our children. My siblings aren’t local and I doubt would move here to raise our children when they have their own young children to raise.

Even if I could figure it all out, I still don’t even know how we’d ask family to help. I can’t imagine any of them wanting parental responsibility for all four of my children - we are not a particularly close family. One or two seemed okay and I’d do the same for them, but four? Four seems like too much to even ask. This is why I’m asking on the larger families board - I think it really changes things.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 31/10/2024 22:07

If you are finacially secure, equity in your home, life insurance etc then you can specify funds in your will to be accessed by whoever you would prefer to raise your kids (rather than just leaving it all to your kids. Talk to a solicitor about how much money that might need to be for 4 kids. I would take my brothers kids on in a heartbeat and my sil's but I have no idea how we might find university etc and with little ones I might have to drop back to part time, we'd need a bigger house etc. Worth thinking all of that through.

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2024 22:11

In the cases I know where this actually happened the children were split up

Almostwelsh · 31/10/2024 22:16

I had literally nobody, so social services would have had to sort it out (Although this would have been the case with fewer children too).

When the kids were small I got divorced, so that at least reduced the likelihood of both their father and I dying together in a car crash or similar.

stichguru · 31/10/2024 22:26

I think you have to think about it as who would you want to make decisions with or on behalf of the children, not as who HAS to look after them until they are at least 18. We started with my husband's 2 sisters being guardians for my son. When we lost one of them to breast cancer aged 39 early this year, we swapped it to his surviving sister and my best friend from uni. I don't necessarily expect that either of them would adopt him, but they are people I trust to make the best decision for him based on how old he was when we died and how involved he would be.

mdinbc · 31/10/2024 22:29

I am glad you are considering this, it is so important. My three are grown now, but we asked BIL and SIL if they would be guardians and they agreed even though they had three of their own. We trusted them to make good decisions regarding finances, understanding that adding three children to a household would cause space issues. My side of the family lived on the other side of the country, so I made a provision to include travel expenses once a year for a two week visit.

We only recently updated out will, and the youngest at 27 was happy to hear he wouldn't have to go live with his aunty if we died in an accident.😀

StarDolphins · 31/10/2024 22:34

I have no plan. If I do think about this (I try not to) I get very sad. If I died, my ex would look after my DD. This would be a disaster as he only sees her for 8 hrs a week so has no clue & I’m confident he is too selfish & out of his depth to meet her emotional needs. He’d keep her safe though at least.

i have zero other family. I just hope (fingers crossed) I can survive & get her through to adulthood. I can relax a bit then.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 31/10/2024 22:39

My mum. Neither DH or I have any siblings nor cousins who are responsible enough to take them.
Hoping against hope it won’t be necessary due to her age (would be over 80 seeing them into university).

NoCarbsForMe · 31/10/2024 22:49

Brother in law

Spockty · 01/11/2024 00:13

You absolutely can appoint a guardian for your children in your will and make sure any insurance money goes into a trust.

Anon501178 · 24/05/2025 23:46

What did you do in the end OP? This interests me as I often wonder who we would ask for more than 2 children (which we have currently)
We have my mum as primary guardian but due to her being in her mid 70s and the fact one child is still young and the other has ASD and can be pretty young and demanding for her age too, we have appointed BIL & wife as back up guardians.They have agreed to having the 2, but if we had more we would have to nominate someone else to have that child separately I think.
Breaks my heart to think of siblings not all together though whilst going through the worse thing imagainable, and if I'm honest is actually a major con for having more, although hopefully the unthinkable would never happen!

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