Can I really have it all? Another third child one

[Maybebaby2025]

Since I was little I’ve always imagined having a family with three children. I have two beautiful healthy children and my DH has always said he’s happy with two so I’ve put my longing to one side. He’s now thrown a curve ball and said he’d like to try for a third. Obviously I’m pleased, but also slightly petrified as before it was always an abstract idea!

Things I’m scared about -

Twins
Something happening to me which means I wouldn’t be there for my two current children
Losing the balance we have now
Two current children not getting the time and attention they need

Of these I feel like the most practical concern is the balance.

I work four days a week and I love my job. It’s a really nice balance for me and although I do feel guilty I don’t get more time with the children, I feel like the balance is right for me. Is it still possible to do a fairly high level career job along with three kids?

Any views welcome before we go head first into this and start trying!!

I was worried but three is great. Really lovely balance for me

I was in the converse situation, dh really wanted a third but I decided to stop at 2.

My main reason was my age. I had ds2 at 38, and trying for a 3rd so late had a high risk of miscarriage. I have two friends who had several miscarriages/TFMC when ttc around that age, and it was really really hard emotionally for them and all the family.

I was unwilling to put us through that.

If I had been younger, I would probably have gone for it. However, looking back I am really glad we didn't. 3 years is a big enough age gap to manage, if we'd had another the gap between the oldest and the youngest would have been 5-6 years at least, and that always means that the needs of one are being put aside when planning things all together. There is a big gap between me and my younger siblings, and I always felt that when I was a teen my needs were not sufficiently taken into consideration because we had to do things in a way that worked for the younger ones.

We have so many lovely times now they are both teens doing things that we would struggle to do if there was one which was younger (like strenuous physical things, skiing, climbing, hiking and so on). And if we had to wait for the younger one to be ready, ds1 would be old enough that he'd have moved onto other things.

Same when they were younger, we started going to concerts, theatre and so on when ds2 was about 5 and could be counted on to behave appropriately, by then ds1 was 8. If we had had another three years later, ds1 would not have had the opportunity to start doing these things until he was 11 or so. We love doing these things so feel like he would have missed out if he'd had to wait that long.

We like doing all these things all together as a family, taking just the older ones while one of the parents stayed with the youngest would not have been the same.

You already feel guilty you don't get enough time with the 2 you have so how will you feel with leaving a baby aswell ? Can you cut your work down ?

How would you manage if your third child had additional needs?

And as a poster said, think about finances/coping with 3 if life throws you a curveball.

We have 3DC and DH and I both work FT (although I'd say both of us have a pretty decent work/life balance and don't have a lot of overtime or travel associated with work). The kids are teenagers now but when they are little we both worked 4 days a week. The single most important thing if you want to maintain your career is a father who pulls his weight at home. We have no family close by so no support there. We used a nursery when they were little (more reliable than a childminder) and have a cleaner. We do have good jobs so have a low 6 figure household income and we live in the NE so have a big house with lots of living space and we have a good sized garden. Our teenage daughters still share a room though, I don't think that's a major issue and although there are occasional grumbles they don't want to move (we have 4 bedrooms but the 4th is a spare room/office space for me).

Clubs and hobbies when they were younger required a lot of driving around, top recommendation is to avoid individual sports, e.g. swimming, gymnastics, dance are much more demanding of time than football or hockey. Thankfully their (state) schools do loads of clubs and activities so that took the pressure off but there were still a good few years of driving them to different swimming squad training sessions every evening. We were more restricted by time than money for what they did.

Holidays we self cater in the UK and Europe and enjoy the culture, not interested in all inclusive or going to hot places. We have a Ford SMax, that and the Galaxy are the best width for 3 carseats.

We are a very busy family and there is not a lot of slack in the system. But we seem to be able to cope with more than most people and generally we love the chaos of three and all their friends. I know some people who couldn't cope with our life but don't let people like that put you off if you are an energetic and busy person. You'll love having a gang of children.

Edited to add: I had mine at 36, 38 and 41 and straightforward pregnancies and no serious health conditions and all high achieving NT children.

I only feel guilty in the sense that I feel like I should spend more time with them. Technically we could afford me dropping to three days a week but I don’t want to do that, for me working four days a week is the best balance. But I feel guilty that I’m essentially choosing to work instead of spending time with them when we could afford differently if we cut back. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I would go for it personally. I'm pregnant with DS2 and think we will try for a third, depending on how we get on with the second! I'll be 41/42 with a third. I think a lot of the no camp is coming from people who regret not trying for a third and are trying to justify it (apart from one poster who has three and doesn't recommend it).

My third child is adored. She has made our entire family happier. I could not imagine life without her.

It was the final nail in the coffin of my career. DH promised he would pick it up if we had a third. He does more, but 1/2 of more.

I wouldn’t change it, but compromises were made. I am a 50 year old with a middling career and exceptional children. I do sometimes think about all the potential I once had…….

Do your DC have lots of cousins who they see often and are close to? If they don't you also need to consider the lack of family support for them after you and DH have died. Will they only have each other?
Some people might be quite happy with this and that's fine! But for me, I grew up with two sisters and lots of close cousins, so when our parents generation dies we will still have a big family iyswim. I value this very highly.

@JaninaDuszejko I definitely like being energetic and busy, we are also organised people. I don’t find life at all chaotic with two though aware that could change when they’re older. We do currently have a cleaner and that’s top of the list to keep!

A middling career and exceptional children, I mean that is success if you ask me! Priorities right ❤️

@MajorMischa I feel like that, I only have one sister and we are not close so when my parents die my mine family will be on DH’s side. Although obviously having more kids doesn’t meant they’ll all get on as adults. We have three nieces / nephews who our kids see maybe once a month.

@Abundantwildstrawberries I’m happy with a middling career. I’ve been promoted twice since having both kids (one after each Mat leave) and I’m happy with the level I’m at now, can’t see me wanting to get any further in my career for a long time (if ever!). 50 years old isn’t too late to progress your career anyway if you wanted to, but exceptional children sounds like an incredible and more worthy success

We went for a third. Older two were 6 and 4.

We are blissfully happy with three. Three is perfect for us.

once or twice a month it feels like a lot of children but most of the time its fun.

you might have a few busy years but think long term. how many faces do you want around your table 20 years from now?

@TargetPractice11 I 100% want three grown up children round the dinner table, I guess I’m just a worrier and think a lot can happen between now and then!

I think all the 'no camp' on this thread are those who've had the 3 children, reading through it?

There's lots to like about it, but OP is on the fence and those of us with the life experience of having 3 are telling it how it is, warts and all!

One PP hit the nail on the head with the age gaps too. Eldest still having to wait for youngest to be able to do stuff, youngest spends a lot of time 'on the sidelines' with things they aren't old enough for.

All fun and games but don't go into it with blinkers on about how hard and limiting it can be.

@mynamechangemyrules Definitely not going into it with blinkers on, have thought so much about the practicalities. I guess it’s ultimately that my head says two because of all the reasons people have given above, but my heart says yes. And my DH says I massively overthink things.

Have you thought about the fact that many adult DC live at home now until late 20s/early 30s unless given help on the property ladder. Even if they leave home reasonably early you are extending the time that you will have DC living at home by having an additional one.

Sorry @Maybebaby2025 didn't really mean you had blinkers, just a general comment. Think you are being v sensible to think carefully about what will work for you in this situation.

I'll start this by saying I feel like a massive twat posting this but I will share the experience of my cousin.

She had two girls (4 & 7) and her and her DH went back and forward on having a third for a long time. She was happy with two but he wanted a third, it was never said out loud but I believe for a boy.

They did have a third and it was a boy but unfortunately he has global development delay along with many other problems. He's now 10 and nonverbal, goes to a specialist school and will require a lifetime of care.

Although he is the loveliest the little boy and I don't think for one second that they don't love him to bits I do wonder if she resents her husband for not stopping at two.

I feel that the balance needs to be right for your children, before it’s right for you. If your feelings of guilt at not spending more time/giving attention to your current 2 is just a feeling and not a reality then all good. But if in reality they are being shortchanged then a 3rd will clearly exacerbate that.

@Gaux I explained to another poster, the guilt I feel is more around the fact that I like to work and choose to work rather than spending more time with them, I.E I could drop to three days a week. Not so much over the actual time I have to spend with them when I’m not at work. Maybe not explaining myself very well.

@TellerTuesday Not a twat at all! It’s definitely something to consider. I think we’re probably guilty of thinking ‘that won’t happen to me’ but unfortunately it does and can happen to people.

Similar happened to my friend’s cousin. She had 2 healthy children. Her 3rd had global development delay, not in specialist care but non verbal with complex issues. She had a 4th who was born with the same condition as her 3rd and does require specialist care. She adores them but life would have been very different with just the first 2. She feels guilty that she’s burdened her oldest 2 with a lifetime of care for the younger 2

I have three - 17,15 and 12. I found the baby and toddler years quite tough but luckily third was and is an easy child. I was much more relaxed third time round and got to enjoy his early childhood much more. I work three days and did tread water for a while but now am starting to do some professional exams and move forward. I’m 47 so don’t feel like I’m over the hill and despite the early years being very physically and emotionally tiring, I’m glad I had three. We were lucky that we were able to get a 7-seater but I would recommend this anyway if you can because in the future you might want to bring the kids’ friends with you on outings etc and also for self-catering and camping, the extra boot space or being able to chuck the bikes in the back is really handy. Obviously I know we were lucky to be able to get a car like that. Hotel rooms are an issue but there are websites now that specifically cater for larger families and lots of places have adjoining rooms - but like you we mainly self-cater.