Can I really have it all? Another third child one

[Maybebaby2025]

Since I was little I’ve always imagined having a family with three children. I have two beautiful healthy children and my DH has always said he’s happy with two so I’ve put my longing to one side. He’s now thrown a curve ball and said he’d like to try for a third. Obviously I’m pleased, but also slightly petrified as before it was always an abstract idea!

Things I’m scared about -

Twins
Something happening to me which means I wouldn’t be there for my two current children
Losing the balance we have now
Two current children not getting the time and attention they need

Of these I feel like the most practical concern is the balance.

I work four days a week and I love my job. It’s a really nice balance for me and although I do feel guilty I don’t get more time with the children, I feel like the balance is right for me. Is it still possible to do a fairly high level career job along with three kids?

Any views welcome before we go head first into this and start trying!!

I'd do it! I don't think you'll ever regret having a third child but might regret not :)

I was in a really similar situation - in fact a couple of months ago I posted a similar thread!

We made our mind up and I'm now about 6 weeks pregnant with our (hopeful) third, and since getting the positive test, apart from the initial 'oh good god we're mad' thought, I've felt really happy with the decision. I've always wanted three and it feels right. Obviously I can't speak to how I'll feel when the baby arrives if the pregnancy goes well, but so far I don't regret it!

My third is 2 years old, older ones are 6&9 so just to give you some context.

Ive just started retraining after 9 years as a SAHM so slightly different to you. I’ll be freelance, working 3-4 days a week.

DH is very hands on and earns a lot so those factors are critical IMO.

I would definitely not have been satisfied if I’d stuck at 2, we were going back and forth for years about it and just couldn’t let it go. So so so so so glad we did it!

BUT (school holidays talking here…!), life would be a LOT simpler and quieter with 2. Up to you if you think that’s a positive or not! To me, three feels like double the work of 2, not 50% extra. For some reason, despite her clothes being tiny, the laundry is just insurmountable. Someone always needs something and I barely sit down. That should ease as she gets older though, it’s a full on phase at the mo! But yes, it feels like a lot of work. The two kids we had became noticeably easier just before the third arrived. So, she’ll get to that stage in a couple of years 😄

In short, I do highly recommend a third and it’s so mega fun and joyful, but circumstances are crucial.

I have always wanted three, DH wanted to stop at 2, our youngest is 1 and DH is also starting to make noises about 'maybe' one more (zero pressure from me as I have found 2 harder than I expected to tbh). So following here for responses!

My biggest worry is twins 😬 I know I don't want 4 children.

I really don't know what to do either but expect we will wait and discuss in a year or so (but I'm 35 nearly 36... not much time on my side!)

It's so difficult!

Love that, congratulations to you!!

@blueberry23 I’m 36 now which seems like a big factor to me and why if we’re going to go for it I want to go for it now rather than later!

I have 3, youngest is 7. An accidental pregnancy.

Honestly, do not recommend. It's an odd number. Someone is always left out.

Of course disclaimer that of course you can never really regret having a healthy happy child around, but agree wholeheartedly with PP that it is double the first two not just 50% more. It's hard. I would not do it again.

How old are your children @Maybebaby2025 ?

@blueberry23 4 and 1, in my mind I wouldn’t want more than a 3 year age gap again as then I’d be getting older too!

@mynamechangemyrules What are your age gaps if you don’t mind me asking? I do think we have a lovely balance right now and worry about regretting it if we had a third thought like you say you would never really regret the child themselves!

Also following hear for other responses, like a previous poster I always wanted 3 but DH adamant we were stopping at two. I had a pg scare last month and since DH has been making noises about a 3rd.

Whether a good thing or not, my two are 10.5 and 1.5 so we would only have two little ones. My personal pros and cons list

Pros

Always wanted 3. Always wanted the big loud noisy family, kids and grandkids at the house.
Watching the little two grow up together and have a playmate. I have always felt bad that DS1 grew up alone.
I don’t feel done. There’s an empty space at the table and room in the house. It just feels like there is somebody missing and I think I’ll always feel that way.

Cons

Money - we can afford it now but long term how will this impact helping them with their futures.
Twins!? There are multiple sets of twins in my family, I have twin sisters also.
Being outnumbered
Having even less time to myself than I have now
No sleep - the toddler has just started to sleep through
Difficulties conceiving previously and multiple MCs

Sorry that turned into a ramble about myself 😂 the problem is I could go on and on about the ‘cons’ and the pros are basically just that I want one. I need to decide if that’s reason enough.

Mine are 12, 10 and 7.

i love DS3 with all my heart and he has made our family complete in a way it wasn’t before.

but if I knew then what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

You obviously wouldn't regret the actual child you'd end up with if successful in having a third and this is a biased sample, but it does make me think that basically this is the issue with so many children in poverty with the two child benefit cap.

There are so many threads full of posters saying they could afford a larger family "at the time", both parents were contributing to the household sufficiently etc. All these parents who think they can afford a third until life throws a curve ball of divorce, ill health or redundancy etc and the kids suffer. If you become a single parent through divorce or death of your husband can you afford there kids? If the answer is no, then don't do it.

We have three ds. I don't regret having 3 but it has its challenges.

When they are all doing clubs and sports and parties etc it can get logistically challenging and physically and mentally tiring

Holidays and days out can be extra expensive as things often revolve round a family of 4

You have to consider the car. We have a Ford Galaxy which has been excellent especially now with three teenage boys

I can not even imagine the expense if all thee go to university

There seems to be a never ending stream of dirty clothes and dirty crockery

We had my mum who helped a lot and that has been invaluable.

There was a similar post recently and one of the issues raised was when making the decision many people were not looking far enough ahead.

In addition to the disproportionate uplift for things like cars and holidays the cost of parenting increases.

The cost of a third "child" is very different to the cost of a teenager. As is the space young adults need.

They need (and it is a need) phones and laptops. Pocket money at £5 a week doesn't cut it and part time jobs can be hard to find.

Clothes for growing teens can be hugely expensive as can sports equipment if they that way inclined.

Many people now work from home so do you have the space for potentially parents to work and multiple teens to study for exams all at the same time?

Get to higher education and even if your children max out on loans and work in the holidays you'll still have to offer some financial support.

Then home buying. It's out of reach for so many young people. Can you afford to save/help for 3? Does having a 3rd mean you won't have capacity to help the children you already have?

If you have a 3rd of course you will love the child but will you really think it was the right decision for your existing children?

The fact is the more children you have (unless you are wealthy) you are diluting the financial support you can provide at a time where young people have more need of that than ever to access higher education and buy a home.

What's more important? Your need to realise your "dream" of having 3 children or being able to offer meaningful support to the ones you already have?

I have three and obviously adore them. There is so much going on all the time, life is never boring. There is bustle and conversation and fullness to every day.

But rather than just saying it is all amazing some things to think about…
Cars become somewhat of a nightmare. The middle seat of the back seat is never really comfortable and all three kids end up squished. A first world problem I know, but exhausting to do any sort of longer drive listening to them bicker. Especially while you still need car seats. You basically need a people carrier but then you have to park it.

Not many house have four decent similar bedrooms (let alone still leaving a spare room for guests). Again, this is one that people might jump on me for but kids sharing can get old pretty quickly unless they get on really well.

A third child is four additional relationships in the household (that child will interact with mum, dad, and each sibling). Your chances of there being conflict exponentially increases with each extra person.

Hotel bedrooms are harder with a family of five than four.

Life seems somewhat set up for families of four. You sometimes feel a bit penalised if you have five.

Either way will have its good and its bad. Give up on thinking there is a ‘right’ answer!!

@BreadInCaptivity This is what I have agonised over a lot, I only want three if we aren’t going to be damaging our existing two in some way. I 100% want to be able to support as many children as we have through uni. From next September our nursery fees decrease around £800 a month due to the new government funded hours. The plan is to put a big chunk of that away a month to be able to find driving lessons, cars and uni support when the kids are older. We also do currently put money into a savings account each month for each DC. From a selfish point of view as well I like having enough money to do things like go to the zoo without having to think too much about it, I feel like this would change with a third. And less money and time to spend on myself.

The hotel thing doesn’t bother me as we always go self catered and from next year we’re planning more camping trips anyway. Ditto the car isn’t a big issue for us fortunately.

@lorisparkle The clubs, sports, parties etc is a worrying factor for me. I feel like we don’t yet have any idea how busy we’ll be ferrying them about when they’re older even just two.

Like @Tisfortired I feel like I know all the cons but just struggling to let that outweigh the fact that I really want a third.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister Why is that if you don’t mind me asking? This is my biggest fear, looking back and wishing we’d stuck at two.

I would like to know that too. Currently trying for our third now.

I will say, having spoken with a few people who wanted more children but didn't or couldn't have more, it is their big regret in life.

My SD had a 3rd 18 months ago and is struggling with everything. She wants to move to a less highpowered job but can't as they can't afford her to. It's having a massive impact on their marriage. Neither of them are organised which doesn't help.

When mine were young I really wanted a 3rd and part of me still slightly regrets it. However I am very glad we stuck to 2.

Mine are now 15 and 12. And I'm going to be honest this is harder than the toddler stage, they need me more than ever and tbh some days I feel like I have less time. They stay up later, they have friends over or I have to collect them later.

I cant fix all their problems even though I wish I could, I can't make the anxiety go away. There's been many evenings where I've got in from work after 13 hours and stayed up to the early hours comforting one of them after a particularly hard day. They need help with homework, exam prep and its harder as I dont always understand it myself!

Now I'm working more hours as they are older it is harder to find time to fit it all in.

Days out can be more expensive when they are older, 6 weeks holidays especially. We used to do lots of parks and beaches that doesn't cut it anymore. I'm lucky we live on a direct route to London and they enjoy museums and art galleries. Eating out is very expensive with all of us having adult meals!

Another consideration is how would you and your family cope if your 3rd has SEND needs? If they are significant it could mean one of you would need to become a stay at home parent or reduce your working hours.

I only want three if we aren’t going to be damaging our existing two in some way.

OP one thing I can say for sure is that our older 2 kids’ lives have been massively enriched by having the third child! It’s so nice to see all their different relationships growing, they have their own dynamics between the 3 pairs of them, and all 3 together works too. The oldest has opportunity to play baby games etc which he secretly loves and I think it good for him (currently downstairs playing Fortnite so it’s not like he’s stunted in his own peer group!)

Also another PP mentioned helping your kids get on the housing ladder…. At 2 years old my kid already has more savings than I ever had handed to me 😄 we have some kind of high interest ISA, one for each child, recommend. Uni wise, we’ll be able to cross that bridge when we come to it but also the tide is changing with uni and it’s not the be all and end all anymore. I didn’t go to uni and that was shocking at the time, but so many more options these days!

@Maybebaby2025 my age gaps are
13 11 7

It is really hard work and puts pressure on any 'pinch points' which were there before.

We divorced a year after #3 which wasn't the 'fault' of a third but it threw a spotlight on things which we'd coped with through 2 children.

I have 3 (15, 12 and 10). For me, having the third was easy- as a baby she just slotted in. I found it much harder when she was a toddler and we had to divide and conquer as she wasn’t able for the same things as the older ones. When they were younger we limited the number of week day activities after school, as the taxiing can become overwhelming.

How easy it is (or otherwise) depends on how much support you have. If you have family who can help or if you can afford to pay for help (from cleaner to ironing service and gardener, or whatever makes your life easy), it will make a huge difference. We had a mother’s help 4-6 pm a few days a week when they were little, and then had au pairs for a few years. It all became a lot easier once they were all at school so now it’s just the juggle of school hols.

Logically I can see that stopping at 2 would have been sensible, but there was someone missing till she arrived and I love my gang of 3- exactly the right number for us.

Not to scare you or anything but my friend has 2 little boys and wanted one more baby to complete the family, she had triplets!

life changed dramatically for them. She could no longer work as nursery fees would have been astronomical, they had to move, get a bigger car, dh was made redundant and had to take any job going just to pay bills. They relied on friends and family helping out a lot to enable older ones to carry on with their school and activities,

a joyous time for them but extremely difficult too.

Aa a mother of 3 here, I agree! 3 is much much harder than 2. Someone is always left out or arguing, the laundry never ends and the food bill.... wow! I love my youngest and wouldn't be without him but him being born has undoubtedly made my life much harder!