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Original poster

My husband wants to look after his parents

31 replies

Idontknow110 · 10/07/2024 21:49

Me and my husband have been married for 10 years. He has got a job abroad and has moved whilst me and my little one are living with his elderly parents.
So from cleaning the toilets to house shopping, house chores i do it all.
My husband is still sorting our visa so we can't leave yet.
However I'm sick of doing all of these bits.. how can I tell my husband?
I dont want him to feel like I dont care about his parents, I do care but I am completely burnt out!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/07/2024 21:56

Could you move out on your own in the meantime?

FluffMagnet · 10/07/2024 22:04

Why do you do it all? If you're planning on leaving soon, it sounds as though you have no concerns leaving them alone so I'm baffled why you are currently playing the role of Dobby the House Elf.

ThistleWitch · 10/07/2024 22:05

why are you doing everything?
are you in the UK?

AD1509 · 10/07/2024 22:07

Why does your husband being abroad mean you have to live with his elderly parents? That’s very much not the normal situation.

justasking111 · 10/07/2024 22:07

You need to talk to your husband about getting care in place for his parents. How the heck does he think they'll manage when you're gone!!

He's burying his head in the sand

crumblingschools · 10/07/2024 22:07

Why are you living with them? Can you afford a cleaner?

caringcarer · 10/07/2024 22:19

Your in-laws or your DH needs to.pay for a cleaner twice a week for 2 hours each time.

Motnight · 10/07/2024 22:20

Is your husband prioritising the sorting of your visa, do you think Op?

BippetyBoppetyBooHoo · 10/07/2024 22:20

Did you knowingly marry into his culture though?

Original poster
Idontknow110 · 10/07/2024 22:29

He said he needs to save some money so he can get me and my little one over. I have been away from him for 6 months now.
And yes I'm in the UK.

So I've been with his parents for 6months but its getting ridiculous now, I just can't do it.
I am looking after my child all on my own, plus doing all the house stuff.
If I leave he will think I dont care about his family.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 10/07/2024 22:34

He's left his family so why would it be odd if you left too?

titchy · 10/07/2024 22:34

Oh you fool. He doesn't want to look after his parents at all - he wants you to. The visa will always be a few months away. Then his mum will fall over and he'll persuade you to stay just another couple of months till she gets her confidence back. Then his company will be possibly in trouble and may not be able to sponsor your visa - but hopefully in another couple of months it will be ok. And then there'll be something else. Ultimatum time.

TeaGinandFags · 10/07/2024 22:34

He's supposed to care for you.

If he won't do it, and let's face it, he's out of the country, you look into care for his parents for when you're gone.

If he stalls, then you know that he's already found care: you. It this possible?

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2024 22:37

Where are your parents? Can you move in with them ‘so you can see lots of them before you move away’ or ‘to give his parents a break it must be hard sharing your house’ whichever you think will go down better.
Is he working hard at the visa? Does he know timeline? Was this badly planned, does he care about getting you two out to live with him?

Noseybookworm · 10/07/2024 22:43

He's taking the piss 😤 why are you living with his parents, where were you living before he got this job? What does he think is going to happen to his elderly parents when you leave? You need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him he needs to sort out help for his parents because you're not doing it any more!

Scentedjasmin · 10/07/2024 23:35

But he left, so doesn't that mean that he doesn't care about his parents? And if his plan is that you leave anyway, what's the problem?

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/07/2024 23:42

You've been had.

AlohaRose · 10/07/2024 23:45

What country is your husband in? Why did he think it was appropriate to move abroad without you, without seemingly having the finances or any idea of timescale for you both to join him? Presumably before you moved in with his parents they were doing their own cooking and cleaning, etc? I can see whyyou might fall into the role of doing more than your share in order to be nice but you can’t be responsible for everything. If you left tomorrow, they would have to manage the same way they were managing before.

Cremeroulety · 10/07/2024 23:50

Idontknow110 · 10/07/2024 22:29

He said he needs to save some money so he can get me and my little one over. I have been away from him for 6 months now.
And yes I'm in the UK.

So I've been with his parents for 6months but its getting ridiculous now, I just can't do it.
I am looking after my child all on my own, plus doing all the house stuff.
If I leave he will think I dont care about his family.

Why it’s taking so long? Since you’re married I thought it would be quicker.

What’s the estimated amount of time it’s supposed to take?

And is the issue that the visa is taking a long time to process OR he feels he needs more money.

Why does he need more money before you come over? Be careful he has you right where he wants you, under his parents nose while he’s out in a foreign country doing what he wants.

tosleeptodream · 10/07/2024 23:53

Idontknow110 · 10/07/2024 22:29

He said he needs to save some money so he can get me and my little one over. I have been away from him for 6 months now.
And yes I'm in the UK.

So I've been with his parents for 6months but its getting ridiculous now, I just can't do it.
I am looking after my child all on my own, plus doing all the house stuff.
If I leave he will think I dont care about his family.

Whereas in reality he's already left you. You're his parents carer now. You think he's staying home every evening by himself to save money so you can join him? No social life, hobbies or sex life for 6 months? I think that's doubtful.

Why wasn't all this information found out and discussed with you and agreed with you before he took the job? How much money does he need to save and how long will it take to save it? If he's needing enough money in the bank to fulfill government criteria to be able to support you all, that could be (tens? hundreds? of) thousands and take years. His plan doesn't sound realistic.

I'm wondering if the plan is actually he starts a new life abroad, you are now both his parents carer and basically a single parent. They die, he inherits the house and that's when there becomes enough money to move you to wherever he is now.

That way he avoids sorting out any care for his parents, his inheritance their home never ends up being sold to pay for that care and he avoids the demanding small-child years of parenthood with the effects that period tends to have on a relationship. Instead he can relax happy that his parents are cared for and he'll inherit, enjoy the single life now and still have his family (you and DC) there as backup plan for the future.

It's been 6 months, there appears to be no real plan. Formally separate, find yourself a job and a home to rent, claim whatever benefits you need to to survive and tell him you're not being his parents carer any more. Its time you had a life too.

goingdownfighting · 10/07/2024 23:55

Just don't do it and see what happens.

Quietly quit.

Say you are too tired, start complaining that your back hurts, tell your DH and his parents that you need to put your child first.
Only do the necessary things.

Basically start being a bit incompetent.

They will start realising that they need another solution.

StormingNorman · 11/07/2024 00:00

What’s your husband’s culture? This set up sounds commonplace in some communities and less so in others. I’m wondering whether your husband does actually have plans for you to join him.

Moveoverdarlin · 11/07/2024 00:08

How do you tell him? Like this…

Oh Pete, I’ve had a right fucking day of it today. Your parents! Fuck me! I’m run ragged. Not sure how much more I can take! Shattered doesn’t come close. So far today I have changed beds, tidied, done two washes, wiped your Dad’s arse, ironed your mother’s knickers and brought up our child. I can’t live like this much longer. How long are the VISAS going to take? Can we afford for me to rent somewhere in the meantime? Shall I come out next week just for a holiday? What d’you think we can do Pete, because I’m absolutely shattered and very unhappy with my current living arrangements. Being a full time mother and carer to your parents is not how I saw things panning out. I’m mightily pissed off Pete! Can you help me!?

I mean that’s what I would say to my DH….but I wouldn’t be remotely nervous to say it, he’s my DH.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/07/2024 00:12

He doesn't care about his family he has deserted them and soon you will be too to live abroad. So you may S well move out now and let them get used to it.
Unless he has no plans for you to go out there. Why are your visas taking so long?

DaftyLass · 11/07/2024 01:01

If he wants to care for his parents he needs to be there.
You and DC need to move out so you are only needing to look after yourselves.