Am I crazy to be considering 4th??

[Newbie887]

We have three close together (8, 6 & nearly 5). I am late on my period and think I may be pregnant. Just waiting until the weekend when partner is back to do a pregnancy test together. In the meantime I am wondering what on Earth we do if it is positive.

On one hand, we have always wanted four. However our first and third are hard work (I think likely adhd / mild autism but no diagnosis). Middle child is very easygoing and I could def handle another like her but obviously it’s a gamble…we could afford another and have a car and house that would fit them. There would be a 5 year age gap between youngest and baby so I would have more breathing space if we were to go ahead and have the 4th than I did with the first three. 3 @ 4 yrs and under during lockdown nearly finished me, but I’m trying to separate that experience with what an experience with a 4th at this point in my life might actually be like.

My biggest concern is lack of time with each child. I feel we are stretched as we are, with readin, homework (which tbh we never do), clubs and sports. Remembering everything for school. That type of stuff. I don’t want to get swept away with the excitement of a new baby, only to discover a few years down the line that I don’t feel I have enough time one on one with each child. Can anyone comment on their experience with this?

Am also not sure I could cope with the years of sleepless nights again. We’ve just (in the last 6 months) got all ours sleeping through regularly. It’s a game changer. I feel like a whole person again, and was looking forward to getting back to work part time. A new baby would reset us again.

Also worried about the toll on my body. I will be 40 when giving birth. It’s entirely possible, but I already have a bad back and other mild health issues that will likely worsen. I can be strict with diet and strength training, yoga etc to try and counterbalance that though.

I guess the problem is my brain says it’s not sensible and will add much more workload. But my heart wants to have the 4th. And I wonder if I terminate will that leave a hole in the family that would feel awful? Would I always wonder who that child would have been.

Parents of 3 who have gone for the 4th, and those with 3 who didn’t, can you give me your views please?

I did test at the weekend..it was negative. Phew! I still don’t have my period so bit confused about that and will test again tomorrow, but maybe I have skipped a month?? I normally have very regular periods though and have never missed one aside from when pregnant/breastfeeding so I’m a bit confused.

It was really interesting and helpful reading everyone’s perspectives, so thank you all for taking the time. I think the risk of SEN will always tip us to not try for a fourth, but we had been talking about the possibility of it. The relief of the negative test was proof though that I don’t think it would be a good idea, although of course we could make it work if the test had been positive (or if it turns out positive before I get my period…)

I'm expecting number 4, I will have a 7 and 8 year age gap between my youngest and baby. Also have a grown up child at home.

I have thought of all of the same things as you and now I'm seeing the age gap as a positive.
The older ones will not need any child care after youngest starts school as they'll be 12 and 13 so that will be cheaper and instead of paying for 2 lots now I'll be at home with them and baby so avoid that and then will only have one to pay later.
I'll also have all day with baby while the older ones are at school.

I too worry about the effect on my 40 year old body (41 when baby arrives) I have bad knees from hiking and running but I'm still relatively fit and I have been reminded by the midwife about the importance of pelvic floors, something I need to do more of.
Other than that I think we'll just cross any bridges when we come to them, I think you just make it work.

@Newbie887 I'm glad test was negative

As you said you would have made it work if had been

But

Sounds better for your family that you stick at 3 so make sure contraception is sorted out

I have 4. I defintely find it harder than 3. It's tough to meet the babies' needs while making sure eldest is up to date on homework etc and middle ones aren't up to anything the shouldn't be. I'll be honest with you, littlest one is getting the short straw too often I think. She doesn't get decent naps because she has to be dragged hither and thither some days. If you're finding it difficult stayingon top with 3 I wouldn't recommend it.

4 kids are great (but then so are 3). Good luck with whatever you decide. if you remain a SAHM then absolutely get married or get other legal protection to ensure you have a share of any property etc.. if anything happens.

I have four children - it’s amazing, my heart wanted a fourth and I persuaded my husband tbh - we have never regretted it and nor would you. If you are already thinking a termination would leave a hole then that’s probably an answer for you there…?
but on the practical side - of course you have slightly less time with each child but they gain so much from older siblings and the older ones gain so much from that loving younger presence (it’s why my 14 year old son can still ‘play’ when all his friends are too self conscious). We try to give each child a one on one treat alone with each parent once a year.. like a night camping or doing a course together.. but otherwise you just squeeze in the time and adjust like you did with the third. You can totally do it! I have deep and meaningful convos when driving my teenager to clubs for example, I have play time with my youngest and read to him in the bath.. everyone helps each other - it works. I am quite strict about people helping round the home but I am very close to all my kids.. and I work so if you can manage to carry on staying at home I’d say you’ll have plenty of time.
I was 40 when I had my last child and had some limited health issues but I find little kids keep me younger and active so it balances out. Ours are 14,12,10 and 7 now and life is easier as the 14 year old can mind the younger ones for short periods. Some things are more expensive - we now drive a VW transporter for the space, hotel rooms for 6 are non existent (so we use private youth hostel rooms or air bnb).. but hand me downs and entertainment from siblings saves plenty! We allow each child two after school activities a week and try to encourage them to be similar - the three oldest all go to athletics together.. we couldn’t offer football to the youngest because his sister swims at that time.. so he does cricket instead.. it’s just how it is. You cannot be everywhere but I don’t think teaching compromise and limits from an early age is a problem - that’s life.
the younger one does things we would never have done with the oldest at that age because he has always just ‘come too’ and had to keep up with the older ones. He thinks nothing to a 15 mile walk with teenagers for example :) - we didnt do the baby stage so much - naps were on the way to school pick up or shopping - no pandering to naps in a cot like with number 1! plus your older ones get older as the littlest becomes more work and so it balances out.
School mornings are a military operation and I loathe the packed lunch conveyor belt :) but I doubt you’d notice a difference from three. It’s all about systems!
that being said none of my kids have special needs but at least two of them are ‘gifted’ which does add a layer of need in terms of education and thought into activities - only you know how you deal with these extras.
But really no one elses advice matters - you can only make the best decision you can at the time, but don’t believe the gloom in some of the posts above - you already have three, you’ve done the hard bit, you’re an old hand now!

Not the point of your thread but could you be in peri? 39/40 is on the young side for it but not unfeasible.

Keen to have an update on this. Did you decide on having a 4th? I’m wondering the same.

@Mumsie2024 op wasn't preg and her reply

The relief of the negative test was proof though that I don’t think it would be a good idea, although of course we could make it work if the test had been positive

I'm Guessing she didn't go for no 4 after a scare

I’m the OP, sorry didn’t realise there had been further replies on this post!

I wasn’t pregnant, I did a couple of negative tests and eventually came on my period the following month. I had had a severe stomach bug halfway though my cycle that month and hadn’t eaten anything for 2 days (literally nothing). So I think maybe I didn’t ovulate like normal? My period is normally v regular which is why I was freaking out and doubting the neg tests.

We are not trying for a fourth. It wouldn’t be a responsible action in our circumstances. Two of my kids have fairly challenging behaviour, my partner works a way from home a lot, and I am close to my limit atm. I’m a little sad about it but I think it’s best for our family in the long run.

Why would you want to have another child if you can't cope with the ones you have?

Because they bring me joy, I love them and I find them all really interesting. Also I can cope with the ones I have but was wondering if a 4th would tip me over the edge.