Am I crazy to be considering 4th??

[Newbie887]

We have three close together (8, 6 & nearly 5). I am late on my period and think I may be pregnant. Just waiting until the weekend when partner is back to do a pregnancy test together. In the meantime I am wondering what on Earth we do if it is positive.

On one hand, we have always wanted four. However our first and third are hard work (I think likely adhd / mild autism but no diagnosis). Middle child is very easygoing and I could def handle another like her but obviously it’s a gamble…we could afford another and have a car and house that would fit them. There would be a 5 year age gap between youngest and baby so I would have more breathing space if we were to go ahead and have the 4th than I did with the first three. 3 @ 4 yrs and under during lockdown nearly finished me, but I’m trying to separate that experience with what an experience with a 4th at this point in my life might actually be like.

My biggest concern is lack of time with each child. I feel we are stretched as we are, with readin, homework (which tbh we never do), clubs and sports. Remembering everything for school. That type of stuff. I don’t want to get swept away with the excitement of a new baby, only to discover a few years down the line that I don’t feel I have enough time one on one with each child. Can anyone comment on their experience with this?

Am also not sure I could cope with the years of sleepless nights again. We’ve just (in the last 6 months) got all ours sleeping through regularly. It’s a game changer. I feel like a whole person again, and was looking forward to getting back to work part time. A new baby would reset us again.

Also worried about the toll on my body. I will be 40 when giving birth. It’s entirely possible, but I already have a bad back and other mild health issues that will likely worsen. I can be strict with diet and strength training, yoga etc to try and counterbalance that though.

I guess the problem is my brain says it’s not sensible and will add much more workload. But my heart wants to have the 4th. And I wonder if I terminate will that leave a hole in the family that would feel awful? Would I always wonder who that child would have been.

Parents of 3 who have gone for the 4th, and those with 3 who didn’t, can you give me your views please?

accident

thank you to all the people who made helpful comments rather than calling me stupid based off know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about my financial situation. It seems that not working really triggers some people. I understand peoples criticism comes from a place of concern (perhaps) but:

I own my own house which our whole family lives in. This is worth £1.8 million and is mortgage free.
No I don’t have a pension, and my partner has a small one that is basically insignificant when looking at the whole picture. We have been self employed since leaving Uni and invested in property and other things instead. Some in my name, some in his (to keep it fair).
Pretty much the entirety of partners salary is gone by the end of the year, on family stuff and further investments. He isn’t hiving a pot away for himself.
Therefore, should we break up I am financially safe and so is he. Everything is fair and pretty much 50/50 from the outset rather than having to rely on how a divorce settlement goes.
We also have wills where everything goes to each other. The only downside to all this in not being married is inheritance tax.

Reading this back is making me cringe as its way too much info and will irritate people further BUT I wanted to highlight that calling someone stupid and niave on the internet when said person has specifically said they are secure financially and are not interested in hearing about financial advice is uncalled for/borderline bullying.

Once again, I would really appreciate peoples experiences on raising four children, or being from a family of four children. It sounds like from the comments above a lot of people stop at three, and I can understand why. I’m finding it interesting how people say their children are more demanding time wise as teenagers than when they were little; this isn’t something I expected so it’s really helpful to get that perspective.

I have a dog but thanks for the advice 👍

Thank you! Yes maybe I asked on the wrong site 😂. However always good to get a wide range of perspectives.

Part of me thinks if we shifted our lifestyle back to being more nomadic / chilled out / family focused (as it was when our eldest two were really little) then four would work. But we have entered the hamster wheel of full time mainstream school, clubs/sports, Saturday morning activities etc etc and I am not sure four with this current set up would work. That’s not to say things can’t change, but it’s whether as a family we would want them to. So your comment about the flute lessons resonates 😂

Nothing in your original post makes it sound like it's a brilliant idea. I don't have 4, only 3, and I went with my heart rather than my head on the third. Absolutely adore DC3 of course, but my head was right for all of the reasons mentioned in previous posts, most noteably being able to devote time to DC1 and 2. If you're just on the edge of being stretched now, you definitely will be in a few years when DC are heading into teenage years and needing more emotional support, especially with SEN.

I don't think even off MN, people would suggest 4 DC when 2 may have SEN. Even ignoring the finances and not married bit.

Teens are far toughter than small DC, and a million times more expensive. Especially being self-employed and a recession coming.

4 sounds If be too much for you /your family

Bit equally if you feel you can't face a termination

You will make it work if preg

If you arent preg then sort out contraception pill and coil and/or condoms so not put int his place again

“Marrying him does not add any security these days, this isn’t the 1950s.”

OP, this is not true and it’s absolutely right that people are suggesting you consider this issue before having a fourth. Frankly women should consider it before their first and certainly before becoming a SAHM. There are literally thousands of posts on here demonstrating why you are wrong.

MN will be good sometimes but it is very anti big families, even in the best circumstances so it’s just worthwhile baring in mind.

the 12k flute lessons was a comment I saw on either my own thread or one very similar lately about a 3rd child. That was an objection to having a 3rd child, like anyone in their right mind pays 12k for flute for a child anyway. So that was said In jest.

but ultimately though only you know how tough it is with your potentially 2 sen kiddos. How much disposable income you have etc, how much you save. What I would say though to both of you unrelated to kids is get a pension, for sure.

maybe do a test, just you, see how you really feel deep down, you might surprise yourself with how you really feel- either way

But equally what if something happened to you? He has no savings and and ‘insignificant’ pension and wouldn’t be able to access proceeds of selling your house for potentially years until your house is sold and any will is enacted.

If your roles were reversed, and he hadn’t married you while not working and keeping the profits from a 1.8 million property to himself, while you worked but without enough money for savings or a pension, let’s say the opinion of him would be be pretty bad.

None of this has been well thought though, it isn’t equal, it isn’t safe, it isn’t well set up in case something happens.

Basically have another kid if you want and feel you can manage emotionally and financially but please for the love of God have a major review of your financial situation to cover unlikely (but not unlikely enough that you need to disregard it) outcomes - serious illness, death or divorce, basically.

I would love four, but we stopped at 3 as I know I wouldn't have enough time for them as individuals with four, whilst still maintaining some time for myself. And that's enough, ultimately we decided our existing children would suffer so said no to anymore. Our 3 are very close together and all out of nappies, walking and talking now and I have no desire to go back to the baby stage.

the families I know with 4 kids are also well off and managed well when they were younger. Teen years have been very different with 4 young people each having their own needs. They might need to be in different schools, and that can be a logical challenge. As that age is too old for childcare it can fall back to parents needing to be very present. Only you know if you have time and capacity for that

I only have two (one with SEN) and if I was in your situation I think worries about SEN would put me off a fourth.

What if the fourth has higher needs than your first and third? And I know you say their needs are mild now, but things can change over time and as school becomes more demanding and as they approach puberty/secondary school.

What if you have to battle to get them the right support in school or they end up in different schools to each other?

My DDs are only 3 and 1 but I already feel overwhelmed with the mental load of SEN plus all the additional paperwork - EHCP, DLA, endless referrals etc.

Although admittedly DD1 has higher needs than your two. Though just something to think about when considering a potential fourth. As it’s been enough to put me off a third, as I would have liked one more at some point in the future.

It sounds like you’re in a really good place with your three, so why upset that?

What part of we have invested in some things in his name, some in mine, pretty much 50/50, do you not understand??

My partner is just as financially secure as I am.

Again, this post wasn’t about financial advice, rather the parenting of 4 children rather than 3. I hope the situation is cleared up now for you and we can all move on 😂

I feel this. Those first 4 years before they are in school can be gruelling. And also monotonous. I also felt very lonely being at home with my first three; I do have a better suppport network and friendship group now though. not sure I can face all the baby groups and rhyme times etc etc all over again.

What was your relationship like with your parents growing up? Did you feel like you got enough attention?

I did at the start but had less as time went on, I also had a quasi parental role.
I actually think that the younger siblings suffered more as my parents frankly seemed to get bored with parenting once the youngest wasn't a cute toddler.
Then they actually spilt up when he was teenager.

Finance was a huge issue for us but it doesn't sound like it would be for you, so you can use money to solve some issues.

But I really value my sibling relationships highly and wouldn't want any of them not to be here.

Just to add here I’m one of five and always felt I’ve had as much of my mums time as I needed, and when it comes to family activities etc we all joined in, took turns etc. we have a great family life and still get together for most of our (and partner and kids!) birthdays. We didn’t do the big fancy school trips or holidays but we were ok with that because we understood it meant we all had a good holiday together instead. We still go away most years together. Big families can be awesome.

Mum of 4, don’t do it.

No need to be testy. The finances are every bit a consideration as having enough time or space for them.

This made me laugh as it’s so true. Also I love how a poster has said ‘three is loads!’ when it’s the larger families board 😂 also typical mumsnet to say your man might be terrible therefore you must always marry him! 🤔 there are other ways to be protected financially

Anyway I dont have 4 but I have a friend who does! They’re reaonsbly well off but knew if they ever had more than one they couldn’t afford private school (fine, so they accepted that early on as always wanted at least 2). Then decided to limit holidays to using theor parents holiday house in Cornwall every year (free!)and doing odd trip abroad if possible every few years if her dh got a good bonus. She has lots of family help anyway. She said for her it was no worse than 3 as you’re already in the madness and she is also sahm. Practically do you have enough space bedroom wise? Financially? Car? She’s not in teen years yet though and apparently they can be expensive, but you just have to limit yourself and say no we can’t afford to do incredibly expensive hobbies. But they have amazing family time together. In the nicest way possible people who live in a council house on benefits have four. It depends what you want from life.

At the end of the day if you can afford 3 then you have made sacrifices already. The bigger age gap will help in some ways, hinder in others. The big thing that stood out to me was that it sounds like you would want the baby. And that’s basically everything. If you’re pregnant, do you want it? If yes then you would make it work (unless you were destitute but you’re clearly not!)

So @Newbie887 are you preg. Have uou tested ?

I have three, one was ten years after another. You worry about time with each child, however attention comes from within the sibling group as well as from the parents.

If you have financial security then buy in more help. Someone to do dinner and bath or play with some of the children at particularly busy times. We had teens come between 5pm and 7pm just as extra help.

I have more modest finances than you and I'm now finding a third set of university costs an issue in deciding my retirement age, but hey ho, I love having them all.

For reference, we have some manageable neurodiverse issues too, which have demanded a lot of emotional energy at times.

I wish you well.

My biggest concern is lack of time with each child. I feel we are stretched as we are, with readin, homework (which tbh we never do),

please make sure you have time for homework for each child! Even reading…it’s the basic stuff that needs looking after.