SIL wants to move to my village

[Boniodog22]

I live in a gorgeous country village - been here 8 years and absolutely love it!!!
My husband is from the city and despite having concerns he may not enjoy it he also really loves our home and lifestyle.

He is very close to his large family and over the years they seem to be wanting to visit more and more, taking holidays more locally and what appears becoming quite fond of the area too….

When I moved here part of the reason was to create some distance from my in laws as there’s lots of them and they are extremely dominating, in each others lives daily and live close to one another…..
I find it all far too overbearing with them letting each other into their houses, borrowing (noising through) things from each other and just rocking up unannounced….
Three of my husbands siblings marriages have broken down due to this lifestyle….

My SIL is now looking to move to my village….she keeps coming on mini holidays here (where she insists on meeting up with us) and has two children who run wild and act a bit strange so although I don’t mind my daughter spending some family time with them, longer term I would not want her seeing them regularly….

I feel really guilty writing this post as I can’t lord over my village but if she did move here - we would most definitely have to move as she’d be visiting all the time and the rest of my in laws would also be here most weekends, even some of the other sibling’s possibly moving here too….I’m gutted

Feel so frustrated as I sourced this village when none of my in laws even knew this place existed ….since we’ve been here and they’ve visited more, now they want to holiday/visit as often as they can…..they’ve even joined local groups and send us posts about local events insisting on us attending alongside them…🤬

Do you mean she us aware that her boundaries will be trampled by the whole family? And that the whole point if moving there was to put some distance between her family and the IL with the agreement if her dh

Seriously, MN is more and more keen on taking offence and overlooking the bits that don’t fit the ‘im offended’ line

@Boniodog22 you have two options really

1- you agree on boundaries with your DH and stick to them. You’ll still have to deal with IL being at local events etc…. And you are likely to get a lot if aggro about said boundaries. But you get to stay in a village you love.

2- you move again. Which will tell them loud and clear you don’t want to be around them which will create tension too.

Im going to say that a lot if it rest on your DH too and how he feels about his family. Because at the end if they day, if he us happy to go along their ways, there is little you can do about it. :(

You need to have good and firm boundaries. Decided what your boundaries are and stick to them firmly.

they’ve even joined local groups and send us posts about local events insisting on us attending alongside them

So what happens if you say no? Does your husband support you?

i think you need to relax a bit. Just set out from the start your boundaries and enforce them.

@Perspectivo

I read both OP's threads and her ILs sound awful. Calling her house their holiday house! That would be too much for anyone.

I also don't see any mention of her DH being desperate for his DM to visit in the first month.

Thanks for pointing out the other threads. It makes even more sense now that OP has moved away and want to keep her distance.

I understand why this is upsetting for you. I also wouldn't like ILs being so overbearing.

But...it's so unfair on your children that you would move them out of their home to a new area simply because you don't want to put boundaries in place. You're an adult and allowed to say no. Your DH can deal with the increasing meet ups if he wants. You have different expectations re. family involvement and both of you need to respect that. Let him do it his way (without you) and you continue as you are with seeing them occasionally.

And what happens when you uproot everyone and another IL wants to move closer? You can't keep running away and disrupting your DH and kids lives just because you don't want to deal with things. Sorry if I sound harsh but it's all coming across a bit 'Me'. You must have known what his family were like before you married so you need to find a middle ground. If it's affected others marriages then your DH will surely understand your point of view.

This. And also the aptly named @Aaaaandbreathe’s post.

Joining local groups and sending you links about local events for example doesn’t have to be that “threatening”. Just ignore or politely decline. It sounds as though they like to throw themselves into life and get involved and it’s probably well intentioned?

Perhaps you are a people pleaser and would rather hide away from any sort of confrontation? So you accommodate his family visiting but silently seethe about it and feel put upon.

I understand that but you can set boundaries without falling out.

Make it clear you’re not that sociable, like your own space and are busy with X, Y and Z although you appreciate being invited. Dh can participate if he wants.

Explain the dc aren’t always available to “play out” if they don’t want to- if you’re worried about their cousins knocking round.

OP you have my sympathies, I moved to the other side of the world to get away from my overbearing and interfering ILs. DH agreed though, so that made it easier. It can be hard to explain to people who’ve not been through it quite how disruptive and damaging it can be to have people who don’t respect boundaries and repeatedly insert themselves into your lives uninvited. Our marriage would have been at risk with too much more of the crazy meddling (think MIL starting my first baby on solids when I popped out to the dentist even though he was only 4 months and she knew I didn’t want to wean him yet…totally batshit)
I really feel for you, if my ILs were planning a move to where I live I’m afraid I’d have to move again as they just can’t be reasoned with and it’s exhausting. If you fear that any boundaries would be trampled then I actually don’t think moving is a crazy idea….

What does your husband think? It's his family after all, and his life too. You don't get to unilaterally decide the level of acceptable contact with the other children in his family or where he and the children are going to live. There has to be compromise in a marriage.

Likewise, you don't own the village and can't stop anyone moving where they like. Lots of people move to be closer to family so that in itself is not strange or overbearing. If their behaviour when they arrive is intrusive then it's possible to put boundaries in place and you don't have to allow them to just let themselves into your home on a daily basis.

They sound like a family who like to live in each others' pockets and it's understandable that this isn't acceptable to you. But you sound very controlling as well, so it's most probably a case of "6 of one and half a dozen of the other".

Your naice village is neither here no there you’ve got the measure of your in-laws and want to keep them at arms length and I get it I did the opposite and I reckon 90% of mine and oh arguments while they were alive we’re due to his family

That all sounds familiar, did you make a Netflix documentary about it? 🤣

If it’s any consolation, I can’t see Charles and Camilla decamping to California anytime soon.

I sympathise. I would totally hate the always on top of each other family lifestyle. But you cant stop them moving nearby. Its a free country. You just have to deal with it in a sensible way.

Agree with this, the sheep come out in full force.

Op i totally get where you are coming from. I too found (sourced?) a great little village. It is lovely and our family absolutely love coming to stay. However, there is an element that it is mine, the friends/neighbours I have here are mine and I think I would be really miffed if a family member moved in close by and started to involved in my village life.

It's territorial I realise and difficult to explain why I would resent it but I would.

Completely agree with you, OP. Their desire to be in each other’s pockets and muscle in on your life doesn’t trump your need for your own personal space. DH needs to manage this, keep them at bay or have increased contact with them away from your village. Maybe introduce them to other equally nice villages and encourage them to consider those?

I never understand why people can’t talk honestly with their own family members. “Look, family, I love you but you’re A LOT! We have our own lives here and that won’t change, we won’t be spending time with like you do with each other. Are you sure you want to move here?”

Obviously you need to poison the well. 'Yes, this village used to be SO nice before the ketamine thing/ gritstone quarry plans/ A road extension. And now no-one can sell their houses and we're all so terribly stuck'

lowers voice 'And don't talk to anyone about the school.'

I think you need to sit down with your dh and have an honest discussion about what your feelings on this are and what your concerns are. That might be difficult if he's close to his family but you need to agree how you want your home to feel and what you want your day to day family life to be like. Does he want his family round every day for a cuppa or would he be happier with a meet up once a week for coffee or in the park instead. You'd need to discuss how you'll put those boundaries in place and what you'd both do if in laws start turning up unexpectedly. I'd be inclined to be on my way out and ask them to ring first next time. Or if they're close enough can dh just say you both hate unexpected visits so if they want to call round they need to ring ahead and then enforce that.

I don't think you can stop them from moving near you, but you can put boundaries in place. You just need to be sure you have dhs 100% support in enforcing those boundaries since it's his family.

I agree with @Perspectivo

I don't see anything in their behaviour that isn't just family life.

There are plenty posts on here everyday about the one sil who isolates the brother or the mil who feels cut out.

It's more worrying that you would cause your daughter and husband upheaval without real need.

Sorry but its pretty nasty to say her small kids act a bit strange.
Also please understand the dynamic of having 2 children as opposed to 1. Far more likely to 'run wild' when there's more than one kid! It's fun and that's just the shit they do because they have a constant playmate
Yes they definitely sound overbearing but you aren't painting a very good picture of yourself here either OP

You said all this far better than I could - I agree with everything

You have to tell them that you find it stifling.

If you are usually welcoming they probably think you are looking forward to it too or at least have no issue with it.

Tell them that if they move to your village, you will have boundaries. No dropping by without calling or being invited, no having keys, etc.

How about you start complaining loudly about how much you hate it and are looking to move away.

I think this might actually be your best option if it's done the right way.

Or find another village (far away) and invent something about how you're planning on moving there as an old friend has just bought there.

I think that might hopefully make your SIL think twice about uprooting to where you are now.