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Original poster

SIL wants to move to my village

72 replies

Boniodog22 · 15/05/2023 08:05

I live in a gorgeous country village - been here 8 years and absolutely love it!!!
My husband is from the city and despite having concerns he may not enjoy it he also really loves our home and lifestyle.

He is very close to his large family and over the years they seem to be wanting to visit more and more, taking holidays more locally and what appears becoming quite fond of the area too….

When I moved here part of the reason was to create some distance from my in laws as there’s lots of them and they are extremely dominating, in each others lives daily and live close to one another…..
I find it all far too overbearing with them letting each other into their houses, borrowing (noising through) things from each other and just rocking up unannounced….
Three of my husbands siblings marriages have broken down due to this lifestyle….

My SIL is now looking to move to my village….she keeps coming on mini holidays here (where she insists on meeting up with us) and has two children who run wild and act a bit strange so although I don’t mind my daughter spending some family time with them, longer term I would not want her seeing them regularly….

I feel really guilty writing this post as I can’t lord over my village but if she did move here - we would most definitely have to move as she’d be visiting all the time and the rest of my in laws would also be here most weekends, even some of the other sibling’s possibly moving here too….I’m gutted

Feel so frustrated as I sourced this village when none of my in laws even knew this place existed ….since we’ve been here and they’ve visited more, now they want to holiday/visit as often as they can…..they’ve even joined local groups and send us posts about local events insisting on us attending alongside them…🤬

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 15/05/2023 08:47

Talk about moving when they are there. Talk about issues with the area, and problems with the schools, and wondering whether it would be better to move to [county on other side of country].

MrsPoliportsGoose · 15/05/2023 08:51

I hate it when a thread gets nitpicked and derailed like this. Often the first few replies set the tone and posters have a bit of a pile on.

OP I totally get where you're coming from. You made a conscious choice to move away from an overbearing and intrusive family situation and unfortunately after a few years of visiting they now want to follow you and it must feel like they're invading your space.

If you can get your DH on board, start to set some more boundaries, do they stay with you when they visit? Can you put them off, not let them have access to your home?

You have my sympathy, I'd hate this to happen to me when I've spent years building a happy life away from my own slightly toxic relatives.

SmileyClare · 15/05/2023 08:52

Speak to your dh and tell him (it’s) a deal breaker

So, threaten to divorce your husband if he doesn’t refuse his sister entry to your village? Or tell your husband that unless you move away you’re leaving him?

Thats all a bit coercive and selfish isn’t it?

What about her husband’s wishes? He’s really close with her. It sounds like your kids get along ok.

All that’s happening is his sister and nieces are moving to the same area. The situation can be managed.
Massive over dramatic reaction in my view.

MrsPoliportsGoose · 15/05/2023 08:54

@Perspectivo your replies seem a bit off, do you have a reason to dislike OP?

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 08:55

I totally sympathise. They sound like trouble - and tbh even though I'm sure your village is nice, it sounds like this could have happened anywhere as they've form for zero boundaries and taking over. The sibling marriages are a cautionary tale so you and DH need to take it to heart and be firmly on the same page. If you're staying put, put strong boundaries in place and enforce them. You don't have to be rude about it, but absolutely do not cave in because of awkward politeness. It's obviously not bothering them to make you feel on edge so be very clear. Don't share keys, don't be available, limit contact to what you're comfortable with. But tbh, I would be sourcing another village pretty soon if the vibes get too bad. Ideally overseas.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/05/2023 08:56

A friends DH moved his sister to their area ( very near but not the same village) when she was divorced. He then expected friend to basically entertain Sis and involve her in all the activities that friend had set up and grown for herself when they moved there after retirement. Husband was outsourcing care and society for DSis to friend.

she had to speak firmly and calmly and politely to him and point out that she was not a free sister sitter. I don’t think it was an easy conversation, but eventually they came to a compromise ( partly by friend off loading the more mundane tasks of her volunteering😂onto the DSis who lost enthusiasm ).

You can’t stop them moving near, but you can stop them moving in. You both have to set boundaries, meeting have to be arranged , people have to phone before visiting…maybe arrange to meet outside the house, at the pub or going for walks.

Try to stay calm though. Getting into a state about it won’t help, and I suspect won’t help DH either.

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:57

MrsPoliportsGoose · 15/05/2023 08:54

@Perspectivo your replies seem a bit off, do you have a reason to dislike OP?

She calls her nieces “strange”
she makes no reference at all to her husband’s stance
And the tone of the op is that this village is very much MY village
and she kept her inlaws away for a month after giving birth despite her husband apparently being very close to his family and upset by her demand

frazzledasarock · 15/05/2023 08:57

Do you go to the events they insist on you all going to together?

Can you not ignore her and do your own thing?

I’d have other things on and refuse to join them on anything your daughter can be busy with her own friends and doing her hobbies. You don’t have to be available.

Noicant · 15/05/2023 08:59

You do sound a bit harsh on your SIL. If my sister was coming to my area I would assume she’s popping in or we’d meet up. If your husband actually likes his sister then you are being a bit unfair.

YANBU to not want your in-laws moving to same area but you can’t do anything about that. Just send your DH and DD around to see them. They wild kids are actually her family too.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/05/2023 08:59

@Perspectivo
are you one of the relatives?

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 09:02

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/05/2023 08:59

@Perspectivo
are you one of the relatives?

Yep, and I’m contacting the EA this morning to get the wheels in motion of the big move!!

MrsPoliportsGoose · 15/05/2023 09:05

@Perspectivo I also have "strange" members in my family and I'd be really pissed off if they moved to 'my' village. How do you refer to the place you live? Do you not say 'my'? I think that's a fairly standard thing to say in reference to where you live. My town, my city, my village etc.

And keeping her in-laws away after giving birth, well that just compounds what she's saying about them being too much and might have something to do with why they moved away.

So much judgement based on a snippet of a life.

SmileyClare · 15/05/2023 09:05

my in-laws would be here most weekends

Why do you assume that? You don’t have to entertain guests if you don’t want to ? You don’t have to operate an open house policy!

My mum is retired and lives quite near me. She’d love to “pop” in all the time if she could.
I make time for her but have asked her to ring or text first and we arrange a convenient time.

It’s not that hard to set some boundaries- sorry I’m busy today sil.

standardduck · 15/05/2023 09:08

I think some of the replies are harsh.

Your ILs sound overbearing, but there is probably not much you can do to stop her from moving if she wants to.

Is your DH in agreement with you? If so, let him reinforce the boundaries - decline the invites when you don't want to spend time with them.

If that doesn't work and she really moves and make your life difficult, you might want to consider moving.

I would honestly hate this too, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 09:09

Odd to search OP's previous threads too right at the start of a thread too - evidence that some people are indeed "strange"!

standardduck · 15/05/2023 09:10

@Perspectivo

It's up to the parents to decide when they want to have visitors. Just because you find one month to be long, doesn't make it unreasonable for others.

Beautiful3 · 15/05/2023 09:11

Accept that there's nothing you can do about it. I'd make myself busy at the weekends, find somewhere to go. So when she calls round, you're not in.

Ariela · 15/05/2023 09:18

Why not ask SIL if they'd be interested in your house as you're considering moving to (a town or village miles away/the coast)

ClairDeLaLune · 15/05/2023 09:21

Is SIL one of the siblings whose marriage has broken down? Are you worried you’ll end up providing childcare?

SmileyClare · 15/05/2023 09:30

I don’t think it’s realistic to keep moving away and hiding when your in laws move closer? The same if you had a slightly over bearing family move in next door.

As others have said, be firm and set boundaries.

I agree with some of @Perspectivo’s points.

Relocating (again) is a huge demand to put on a dh who has indulged your wishes to live in this village (despite reservations) and on the dc who are presumably settled at a local school and happy with where they live.
I don’t think it’s “mean” to point out that this isn’t just about You. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh 🤔

Compromise is the way forward.

I also agree with the pp advising you not to get in a state over this.
Its incredibly difficult to secure a house and relocate to a small village and could take years if it ever happens at all.

user1492757084 · 15/05/2023 09:37

You need to make boundaries and stick to them.
No one can be running amok in your house, near your kids unless you allow it.
Be firm from the outset. Have your husband's agreement.

whoruntheworldgirls · 15/05/2023 09:43

I get why your worried, i would be too with family like that, but you can't stop them moving there, if they do you NEED to set boundaries and make sure your door is always locked. Be firm! Please don't leave somewhere you love so much over this.
You never know it could work out to be handy, someone to check the house/water plants when you go on holiday for example?
I hope it all works out.

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 09:44

standardduck · 15/05/2023 09:10

@Perspectivo

It's up to the parents to decide when they want to have visitors. Just because you find one month to be long, doesn't make it unreasonable for others.

The father ie a parent was desperate for his parents to meet his first child

Toottooot · 15/05/2023 09:46

You ‘sourced the village’ sorry but get the fuck over yourself.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/05/2023 09:54

First thing you need to do is grow a backbone as does your Husband, hi sister may insist on meeting up every time she is in the area but as an adult you can say no, why don't you ? If they do find a place in the village that is the time to point out to them that your family run very differently to there's, no just popping in, no living in each others pockets and socialising with your own friends. Just tell them.
My ex BIL & SIL have just moved 140 miles to live in my local village, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, in fact we have a great relationship.

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