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Original poster

SIL wants to move to my village

72 replies

Boniodog22 · 15/05/2023 08:05

I live in a gorgeous country village - been here 8 years and absolutely love it!!!
My husband is from the city and despite having concerns he may not enjoy it he also really loves our home and lifestyle.

He is very close to his large family and over the years they seem to be wanting to visit more and more, taking holidays more locally and what appears becoming quite fond of the area too….

When I moved here part of the reason was to create some distance from my in laws as there’s lots of them and they are extremely dominating, in each others lives daily and live close to one another…..
I find it all far too overbearing with them letting each other into their houses, borrowing (noising through) things from each other and just rocking up unannounced….
Three of my husbands siblings marriages have broken down due to this lifestyle….

My SIL is now looking to move to my village….she keeps coming on mini holidays here (where she insists on meeting up with us) and has two children who run wild and act a bit strange so although I don’t mind my daughter spending some family time with them, longer term I would not want her seeing them regularly….

I feel really guilty writing this post as I can’t lord over my village but if she did move here - we would most definitely have to move as she’d be visiting all the time and the rest of my in laws would also be here most weekends, even some of the other sibling’s possibly moving here too….I’m gutted

Feel so frustrated as I sourced this village when none of my in laws even knew this place existed ….since we’ve been here and they’ve visited more, now they want to holiday/visit as often as they can…..they’ve even joined local groups and send us posts about local events insisting on us attending alongside them…🤬

OP posts:
Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:07

as I can’t lord over my village

you said it

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:08

How does your dh feel?

and you’d uproot your family?

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:12

You made your inlaws wait a month before they met their grandchild 😞

Innocentsongs · 15/05/2023 08:15

Your SIL has two children who are 'a bit strange' and you don't want your daughter mixing with them. Do you intend to police your daughter's friends until she leaves home?

Notonthestairs · 15/05/2023 08:16

You can't "source" a village. You found somewhere nice to live and unsurprisingly other people like it too.

But yes I can understand if you'd deliberately set out to create some space that this would be frustrating.
All you can do is hope they don't move or plan your own next move. I don't think you can tell them where to buy if that's what you are angling at.

DingsBum · 15/05/2023 08:16

How do you "source" a village Confused

GodspeedJune · 15/05/2023 08:21

This would be very annoying but yes, you can’t control where they move to. Is it for definite?

You’ll have to set clear and firm boundaries for visiting, does your DH speak up or is he a wet lettuce?

It’s not very kind to call children strange btw.

TriedTurningItOff · 15/05/2023 08:24

I don't understand the responses thus far to your post OP. No, you don't own the village or decide who lives there but that's hardly the point. OF COURSE you're upset if your nosy, intrusive relatives want to follow you there, especially if you identified and moved to the village to be away from them.

Not sure what you can do about it though: the only options seem to be get your DH to dissuade them from moving closer, or to move away yourself which seems sad. Sympathies - it's a difficult situation.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 15/05/2023 08:25

This would be a nightmare for me! I sympathise. Fingers crossed it doesn’t happen

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 15/05/2023 08:27

If it happens, just don't give her a key.

SmileyClare · 15/05/2023 08:29

Just be firm about when your sil can visit your home and how often.

If you don’t want in laws letting themselves in buy a Yale lock.

And unclench a bit. 😂

Im sure your sil moving near you will be ok if you set some boundaries.

Lindy2 · 15/05/2023 08:31

That sounds very claustrophobic.

You need to set your boundaries. Say no to the meet ups and events. It is possible to live in the same village as family without living in each other's pockets.

Hohofortherobbers · 15/05/2023 08:31

DingsBum · 15/05/2023 08:16

How do you "source" a village Confused

What a strange phrase, like you've found the perfect village supplier!!

Cellotapedispenser · 15/05/2023 08:32

OP you have my sympathy. Of course you don't own the village but you've made it your home and haven from people you wanted some distance from. I'd be gutted too. I'd speak up before they start house hunting or get DH to do so. It needs to be clear that you don't wish to live as they do and therefore won't be allowing unplanned visits or free access to your home. If your SIL is clear that the cozy set up she's aiming for won't happen she may reconsider.

Hohofortherobbers · 15/05/2023 08:32

How about you start complaining loudly about how much you hate it and are looking to move away?

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:35

No, you don't own the village or decide who lives there but that's hardly the point.

@TriedTurningItOff

But it speaks volumes about the op

custardbear · 15/05/2023 08:39

You need to set proper boundaries, tell her your home isn't an open house and they need to make plans in advance if they're coming over. If they do come just don't answer the door.
Don't give them a key either

Thighdentitycrisis · 15/05/2023 08:40

You must have known they were an overbearing and very close (literally) family before you married into it

SmileyClare · 15/05/2023 08:43

How does dh feel?

It sounds like he’s made a few sacrifices for you (you say he’s very close to his family in the city and was reluctant to move to this village?)

Perhaps it’s time to allow some compromise for him?

It seems your only issue with your dh’s family is that they’re “overbearing” want to let themselves in and want to meet up regularly?
So they’re not awful people?

You say yourself you don’t mind meeting up occasionally.
Politely stick to boundaries, make yourself unavailable and suggest dh take dc to any local events sil wants to attend?

I think you’re panicking and it won’t be that bad.

rainraingoawaay · 15/05/2023 08:43

Oh my gosh this sounds like a nightmare!! I'm not sure why PP are nitpicking about "sourcing" a village, clunky phrase - but if no one knew about the area, no one recommended it, you did all of your own research and fact finding before moving I totally understand what you mean! They all now have want to jump onto this great place you've found, that you found as a bit of a sanctuary.

Honestly I'd be upset in your situation, if it's caused marriage breakdowns amongst the siblings (sounds weirdly enmeshed!) then it's hardly a leap to worry about that same situation occurring. How is your DH with his family? Does he have good boundaries at all?

Joining local groups for an area they don't live in and sending events to you is weird - gives bad vibes!

I think you sit tight for now, speak to your DH and make it clear that you don't want to live locally to them and if you get the impression they're all planning on relocating to be in the same village then it's a dealbreaker.

Likewhatever · 15/05/2023 08:44

Perspectivo · Today 08:35
No, you don't own the village or decide who lives there but that's hardly the point.
**
@TriedTurningItOff
**
But it speaks volumes about the op

No it doesn’t, it speaks volumes about the suffocating ILs

junebirthdaygirl · 15/05/2023 08:44

Hohofortherobbers · 15/05/2023 08:31

What a strange phrase, like you've found the perfect village supplier!!

Show quote history

Why are people making a fuss about this statement? I often see people on here asking for suggestions for a village that is family friendly etc. That exploring is sourcing a village so it's a perfectly fine statement.
It is a bit upsetting for you Op but hopefully you have established your own life, friendships etc at this stage so continue with those and only have as much contact as suits. I come from a big family and we don't ever let ourselves into each others houses or nose around but l can see how we are a force to be reckoned with when we get together as we get on so well others can be overwhelmed.

WhotheHellisEdgar · 15/05/2023 08:46

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:12

You made your inlaws wait a month before they met their grandchild 😞

Where does OP say that?????

Perspectivo · 15/05/2023 08:46

Likewhatever · 15/05/2023 08:44

Perspectivo · Today 08:35
No, you don't own the village or decide who lives there but that's hardly the point.
**
@TriedTurningItOff
**
But it speaks volumes about the op

No it doesn’t, it speaks volumes about the suffocating ILs

On. Another thread the op made her I. Laws wait a month before they met their grandchild

Hotfootgoose · 15/05/2023 08:46

It’s your boundaries that need enforcing not the location of your home. I find a simple “oh thanks for the invite, but no sorry we can’t make it” ends any invitations I don’t want to accept! You just need to start saying no. Get a ring door bell and don’t answer if she just turns up. you can say you were out for a walk or in the garden, just teach her not to show up unannounced.
I would also have a firm word with dh. The history of this family is not good for marriage stability. If he doesn’t want to be another casualty of this war, he needs to toe the line and start saying no a bit more.