Help, pregnant with very unplanned 3rd

N400 · 2023-03-27T14:22:04+00:00

Hi everyone, I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old (year 5 and year 1). We have always said we are done, no more etc. However I have just had a positive pregnancy test. I am freaking out. I've booked an appointment for a consultation re.termination but just wanted to hear people's experiences. I've heard going from 2-3 is the hardest. I am wondering if anyone has experience of this with 2 much older (like mine are) and how they found this? Both mine will be in high school when this one would start reception. Starting from scratch again sounds sooooo scary. Please no hate about possible terminations etc. I've always been adamant no to a termination but this was a complete shock. 3 hours ago shock to be precise! Thank you

summerlovingvibes · 27/03/2023 15:28

Bless you. No experience with a third - I am also "2 and done" although my husband would have a third.

However, a friend went through a similar experience a couple of years ago, and all I would say is that make sure you and your husband / partner are talking very openly and honestly about how you feel. My friend and her DH weren't on the same page, and it was a very difficult situation. She ended up terminating and regretting it which has been terrible for her. So just make sure your decision is YOUR decision with your husbands support.

What's his take on it?

Villssev · 27/03/2023 15:28

When you say very unplanned

Contraception failed?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 27/03/2023 15:34

@N400 First of all, be kind to yourself and breathe! Do you know how far along you are? If not far then no decisions need to be made imminently. Let it sink in before you decide. It's a big choice and you don't want to regret it because you decided too soon out of panic.

If having a third isn't right for your family then there is no shame whatsoever in deciding not to continue with the pregnancy. But I would encourage you to have a chat with your partner regarding contraception so you don't need to worry about going through this again! Would he consider vasectomy?

If you want the baby, have it! I know many with a surprise baby when kids are older (e.g. assuming they're too old to need contraception anymore!). Sometimes their older siblings dote on them and its easier than when you had the first 2 as they are old enough and willing to help out! Many say the third was the puzzle piece they didn't know was missing.

Of course it isn't always that simple. For example, they will be a lot younger so say your oldest graduates uni at 22 and you want to go out afterwards for a meal and some drinks, you may be restricted having an 11yo in tow. They will be at a different life stage. But then again, older sibling could become an awesome relatable guide for them! Also, if the baby has any abnormalities/disabilites that will of course affect your existing children, particularly if one of you had to give up work to become their carer.

There are a lot of factors, take the time you need to come to the right decision for you and your family.

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 15:35

summerlovingvibes · 27/03/2023 15:28

Bless you. No experience with a third - I am also "2 and done" although my husband would have a third.

However, a friend went through a similar experience a couple of years ago, and all I would say is that make sure you and your husband / partner are talking very openly and honestly about how you feel. My friend and her DH weren't on the same page, and it was a very difficult situation. She ended up terminating and regretting it which has been terrible for her. So just make sure your decision is YOUR decision with your husbands support.

What's his take on it?

Thank you so much. He's in work so we have only had a quick call and a few messages which has been jokey in nature where he's trying to make me feel better. We said we will talk tonight but I know he's 100% done....although he may feel against the idea of termination etc now. I feel that now I know I'm pregnant, it's kind of done? Like well it is what it is and need to deal with it and make it work. What a situation. Never saw this coming! Thank you for your message xx

OP posts:

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 15:36

Villssev · 27/03/2023 15:28

When you say very unplanned

Contraception failed?

Yes 😭!

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 15:38

Entirely your decision but my brother always says (not in front of him obvs) that he regrets number 3.
He say’s everything s set up for families of 4 maximum

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 15:39

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 27/03/2023 15:34

@N400 First of all, be kind to yourself and breathe! Do you know how far along you are? If not far then no decisions need to be made imminently. Let it sink in before you decide. It's a big choice and you don't want to regret it because you decided too soon out of panic.

If having a third isn't right for your family then there is no shame whatsoever in deciding not to continue with the pregnancy. But I would encourage you to have a chat with your partner regarding contraception so you don't need to worry about going through this again! Would he consider vasectomy?

If you want the baby, have it! I know many with a surprise baby when kids are older (e.g. assuming they're too old to need contraception anymore!). Sometimes their older siblings dote on them and its easier than when you had the first 2 as they are old enough and willing to help out! Many say the third was the puzzle piece they didn't know was missing.

Of course it isn't always that simple. For example, they will be a lot younger so say your oldest graduates uni at 22 and you want to go out afterwards for a meal and some drinks, you may be restricted having an 11yo in tow. They will be at a different life stage. But then again, older sibling could become an awesome relatable guide for them! Also, if the baby has any abnormalities/disabilites that will of course affect your existing children, particularly if one of you had to give up work to become their carer.

There are a lot of factors, take the time you need to come to the right decision for you and your family.

Thank you so much. We were using contraception as I'm 33 so knew there would always be a chance of pregnancy still. Yes you're right, such a big decision. I'd be classed as 4 weeks pregnant now so super early, I was due on yesterday and just had a niggling feeling and I was noticing smells I wouldn't (probably completely imagining that as I'm not sure it's possible at 4 weeks!). I think I need to breathe and come out of panic mode as you say.

Thank you everyone. What a great forum x

OP posts:

Ringmaster27 · 27/03/2023 15:40

I had an “oops” third baby.
I was terrified when I found out. DC1 was almost 4, DC2 was 2, and I was not remotely prepared for another baby.
But, as cheesy as it sounds, DC3 arrived and really is the absolute sunshine that completed the family. Going from 2 DCs to 3 really wasn’t as chaotic as I’d imagined. You’re already used to juggling multiple DCs, so one more really doesn’t make that much difference!
I still had all the baby things that we’d used for DC2 (including a double buggy as DCs 1 & 2 are 16 months apart, but you can pick them up second hand for a steal if you need one!), so didn’t have to make any big purchases. We did have to get a bigger car in order to fit 3 car seats across the back, but we traded in the car we had, and got a used bigger car that’s served us well.
A good quality sling/baby carrier will be your best friend. I would feed and change DC3, pop her in a sling, and go about my day with the other 2. In the early months, she’d fall asleep within a few minutes of me pottering about, and stay that way until she next woke up for a feed.
I used one of those newborn bath supports that you lay baby on, so I could run one bath, put the baby on the support in the middle and have DCs 1&2 at either end of the bath, which made bathtime a lot easier than trying to get them all bathed separately.
You’ll probably also find that the older DCs want to be involved and help. My eldest DC was only 4 when DC3 came along, but she morphed into a little mother hen 🙈 She wanted to help with everything - even if that meant just sitting by the bouncy chair on the kitchen floor and shaking a rattle while I cooked dinner. And DC2 just adored her from the moment she was born. He was convinced she was his baby 😂 Every time he sat on the sofa, he’d put a cushion on his lap and insist on holding her while she slept (with supervision obviously!).
It seems terrifying and overwhelming, and it is at times, but you’ll find your way 🖤

cheeseismydownfall · 27/03/2023 15:52

3 DC here (all planned).

Honestly, it is hard. I don't regret having three because it is what we wanted, and actually I found the early years (once we were past the baby stage) a doddle and adored having a larger brood.

Now that they are teens and a tween, it's different. It's physically and practically easier, but emotionally it's taking a much greater toll because, for want of a better expression, the shit has got real and their problems and challenges can't be kissed better. Love isn't enough anymore. We don't have enough time to share around, and as we are getting older we also have less energy ourselves and ageing parents to worry about.

You only need one of them to be struggling with school, or friends, or mental health, to find yourself spread too thinly. As I said, I don't regret having three as such, but we would have been better parents to two.

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 16:50

cheeseismydownfall · 27/03/2023 15:52

3 DC here (all planned).

Honestly, it is hard. I don't regret having three because it is what we wanted, and actually I found the early years (once we were past the baby stage) a doddle and adored having a larger brood.

Now that they are teens and a tween, it's different. It's physically and practically easier, but emotionally it's taking a much greater toll because, for want of a better expression, the shit has got real and their problems and challenges can't be kissed better. Love isn't enough anymore. We don't have enough time to share around, and as we are getting older we also have less energy ourselves and ageing parents to worry about.

You only need one of them to be struggling with school, or friends, or mental health, to find yourself spread too thinly. As I said, I don't regret having three as such, but we would have been better parents to two.

Thank you x I've sent you a PM if that's okay xx

OP posts:

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 16:51

Ringmaster27 · 27/03/2023 15:40

I had an “oops” third baby.
I was terrified when I found out. DC1 was almost 4, DC2 was 2, and I was not remotely prepared for another baby.
But, as cheesy as it sounds, DC3 arrived and really is the absolute sunshine that completed the family. Going from 2 DCs to 3 really wasn’t as chaotic as I’d imagined. You’re already used to juggling multiple DCs, so one more really doesn’t make that much difference!
I still had all the baby things that we’d used for DC2 (including a double buggy as DCs 1 & 2 are 16 months apart, but you can pick them up second hand for a steal if you need one!), so didn’t have to make any big purchases. We did have to get a bigger car in order to fit 3 car seats across the back, but we traded in the car we had, and got a used bigger car that’s served us well.
A good quality sling/baby carrier will be your best friend. I would feed and change DC3, pop her in a sling, and go about my day with the other 2. In the early months, she’d fall asleep within a few minutes of me pottering about, and stay that way until she next woke up for a feed.
I used one of those newborn bath supports that you lay baby on, so I could run one bath, put the baby on the support in the middle and have DCs 1&2 at either end of the bath, which made bathtime a lot easier than trying to get them all bathed separately.
You’ll probably also find that the older DCs want to be involved and help. My eldest DC was only 4 when DC3 came along, but she morphed into a little mother hen 🙈 She wanted to help with everything - even if that meant just sitting by the bouncy chair on the kitchen floor and shaking a rattle while I cooked dinner. And DC2 just adored her from the moment she was born. He was convinced she was his baby 😂 Every time he sat on the sofa, he’d put a cushion on his lap and insist on holding her while she slept (with supervision obviously!).
It seems terrifying and overwhelming, and it is at times, but you’ll find your way 🖤

Thank you! Xxx

OP posts:

Meandfour · 27/03/2023 16:53

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 15:38

Entirely your decision but my brother always says (not in front of him obvs) that he regrets number 3.
He say’s everything s set up for families of 4 maximum

I have never found this to be the case. We have recently had our 4th child, we travel regularly (abroad 3/4 times a year) go to zoos, theme parks etc and I never understand why people say tickets are hard? You just buy one extra… obviously..

I personally found the hardest jump 1-2. 2-3 was rather straight forward tbh. My siblings have big families too and none of us struggle to go to places with our children.

JeepersCreeperrs · 27/03/2023 16:58

Happened to me. Really freaked out but it was the best thing that happened to our family. It’s not easy all of the time but I’m so happy. Considering a fourth!

Roundaboutabee · 27/03/2023 17:02

I had a surprise third (had spent several years of my life trying to get pregnant and was in my late thirties by then so was very surprised…)but I hadn’t ruled it out as an option so less terrified than you.

Three is a lot more fun. It’s also a lot harder. I look with envy at those families with supportive families near by because there is a lot going on and an extra pair of hands and/or taxi-service would be wonderful. The relationships between the children are amazing - they still get on really well (oldest is 11) but I’m aware that could change.

but I would have absolutely no judgement at anyone terminating a baby they didn’t want. This is your choice and thank goodness we live in a country where we’ve got one.

@Meandfour for us things like hotel rooms (rarely set up for 5), cabins on ferries (ditto), family tickets (when the fifth ticket is £££) means that the financial leap from a family of four to five is much pricier than the leap between the three and four, and consequently we holiday a lot less than we did. I mean we’ve even found that finding a restaurant table on a busy day can be trickier than for 4.

Swapshopping · 27/03/2023 17:17

I have two friends with three kids and both wish they had two... (One had obviously unplanned twins after the first and the other just talks about how awful it is and how much easier life would be with the two she already had)

specialk9 · 27/03/2023 17:20

I had a third unplanned baby.

My elder two were 4 and 12 when he was born.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything. It has been hard work. I'd planned to go back to work FT with some excellent career prospects once my DC2 started school and instead I had a 3 month old and was on maternity leave. I'm also a fair bit older than you (41, 39 when he was born).

Health wise - I had nothing to concern me (current or previous health & including previous pregnancies) but I had severe anaemia, had to finish work early (5 weeks) and he was born the next day 🤦🏻‍♀️. We had 2 weeks in SCBU but thankfully he was fine.

Financially - again we are fortunate but our earnings dropped when I was on maternity and now he costs us around £800 per calendar month in nursery fees and general living costs. Now I'd be kicking on working full time with no extra outgoings - instead I'm still in the same part time job with no scope for further earning.

House - we've lost our spare room which we really need so that's difficult.

Car - our car is not big enough, there are very few cars that have 3 full seats accept the back - they are either extremely expensive or like gold dust unless you are really flexible (colour, age, mileage etc)
We have to take two cars when we stay away in the UK

Holidays - they are a pain as most places we've been to we have to book 2 separate rooms.

Guilt - I felt extreme guilt for my older two children as he took up a lot of my time for the first year and I felt like I neglected them

I'm fat and can't seem to lose the weight (my fault I know but I was in great shape when I'd fallen pregnant)

I'd just sold all baby stuff so that was good timing 😂

Despite all my moans he is the absolute light of my life. I adore him, as does our whole family and we couldn't imagine him not being part of us. So with that in mind I'd say as long as it's not going to be too difficult financially, or there's any health concerns, go for it.

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 17:24

Meandfour · 27/03/2023 16:53

I have never found this to be the case. We have recently had our 4th child, we travel regularly (abroad 3/4 times a year) go to zoos, theme parks etc and I never understand why people say tickets are hard? You just buy one extra… obviously..

I personally found the hardest jump 1-2. 2-3 was rather straight forward tbh. My siblings have big families too and none of us struggle to go to places with our children.

Show quote history

He found it more with hotels, needed a bigger car etc I think

Frenchfancy · 27/03/2023 17:31

Very hard decision.

We planned on 4 but the fact that my 3rd pregnancy was much harder, arrived 5 wks early meaning a short stay in SCU and the fact that the jump from 2 to 3 was hard made us stop at 3.

I have quite a few friends with 3, all of them agree it is much harder and more £££ than 2. And it creates the famous middle child.

One friend had a similar age gap to you. Number 3 has down syndrome. It's mild compared to some but he will never live an independent life.

It's a bit like rolling the roulette wheel, you might come out tops but you might loose. Once you make the decision you will never know what would have happened if you took the other path.

Good luck.

Madhousemam · 27/03/2023 17:40

Hi ya I haven’t read the whole post but I went from 2 to 3 and my youngest at the time was 7 like you it was very unplanned but was quite easy as the bigger 2 was able to play properly and enjoy there brother now the eldest is 16 and youngest is coming up to 9 and they are best of friends and do more or less everything together I’m now going from 3-4 and my youngest will be 9 at the time and I’m crapping myself like you I was thinking about a termination but didn’t actually know I was pregnant until 23 weeks witch was to late what ever you will do it’s yours and your partners choice and will be loved if you keep it

Original poster

N400 · 27/03/2023 18:19

Madhousemam · 27/03/2023 17:40

Hi ya I haven’t read the whole post but I went from 2 to 3 and my youngest at the time was 7 like you it was very unplanned but was quite easy as the bigger 2 was able to play properly and enjoy there brother now the eldest is 16 and youngest is coming up to 9 and they are best of friends and do more or less everything together I’m now going from 3-4 and my youngest will be 9 at the time and I’m crapping myself like you I was thinking about a termination but didn’t actually know I was pregnant until 23 weeks witch was to late what ever you will do it’s yours and your partners choice and will be loved if you keep it

Thank you xx it's nice to hear from someone with similar age gaps! On a separate forum many talk about that age gap being a lot better and easier than bigger ones. It's just sheer costs of things isn't it and rooms, we love our little holidays but can't imagine getting 2 rooms. Oh such fun hey. Thank you xxx

OP posts:

Ploppppppppp · 27/03/2023 18:37

I am one of 3 and have 3 of my own ( planned) and honestly it’s the best!!!! Yes it’s more expensive and yes it’s tiring but it’s also more love and more fun! Also I have lots of friends that have 2 kids and particularly one of each sex that just don’t get a long at all as they have got older. Having 3 really dilutes any sibling rivalry. Also with your age gaps you won’t have the car seat troubles or pram issues.

and honestly going from 2 to 3 was easy. You’ve done it all. 0-1 was the killer- you’ll be fine if you make the decision to keep xxx

Dinneronmybfpillow · 27/03/2023 19:35

Swapshopping · 27/03/2023 17:17

I have two friends with three kids and both wish they had two... (One had obviously unplanned twins after the first and the other just talks about how awful it is and how much easier life would be with the two she already had)

To be fair, I don't think you can compare three separate children to the experience of having twins. Twins are a completely different ball game.

Meandfour · 27/03/2023 19:46

I honestly wouldn’t worry about the hotel rooms @N400
As I said; we go abroad a few times a year and we’ve never had to book 2 rooms. Maybe we’ve just been lucky with where we’ve stayed but we just booked either a 2 bedroom hotel suite that sleeps 5/6 when staying in hotels or a villa. We’ve stayed at legoland 3 times with our 3 DC before the baby was born and they sleep 5 as they have a double bed and a bunk bed with trundle so again; no issues for a family of 5.

Many attractions offer a family of 5 ticket nowadays and you don’t usually pay for children under 3 anyway so you’re a way off needing to pay for 5 tickets.

Littlepiglet123 · 27/03/2023 19:47

I have this convo with people often. The 3rd child does not "slip right in" so why say it?! That's what I got told when I was in your situation.

I love our family and I wouldn't change it but my word 3 is constant work.

I don't worry so much about car sizes, hotel rooms and more expense as such- that kind of goes without saying. What I do feel bad about is being spread so thinly. Literally no child gets the best of you, your always split three ways.

With all that being said I am happy that we had a 3rd but do think people need to stop telling fibs about how little difference it is to having 2!!!

hatsandbagsandshoes · 27/03/2023 19:56

We had a 3rd (planned) with almost the same age gaps as you, and honestly, it is the best thing we ever did. The older children absolutely adore the ‘baby’ and help out so much. Yes, it’s tiring, but I find it so fulfilling, and life is just so much more fun, even when the little one is playing us up. Obviously the difference is ours was planned, and I would have absolutely no judgement on anyone who decided not to proceed with their pregnancy, but for us it has worked out absolutely perfectly.