To 3rd or not to 3rd?

[Fairylights87]

I know this is a topic discussed in a thousands of threads but please help me!

We have 2DCs (DC1 - 3 years old) & (DC2 - 1 years old). I found the age gap wonderful and although my first is a terrible sleeper, the second one is like a dream!

I am thinking of having a 3rd and as I like 2 year age gaps, it's about time to decide if it's right or not.

I know finances is a big issue and it's individual to everyone's circumstances, so you can't help much of that. I can understand that a 3rd bring challenges in logistics like car, space etc.

However, I want your experiences on how a 3rd affected relationships and time. I appreciate that the first couple of years will be a struggle like with every new baby but after this do things calm down? Does it worth it? I don't want to risk my relationship with DH and start arguing over nothing just because we are both utterly tired and can't handle the chaos.

My first made me a mummy and my second gave us a stronger sense that we are a family. What will the third do? Will it bring drama amongst us? Or will it bring joy and happiness?

DH is positive but has the same concerns as I do.

Any experience will be very welcome!

Currently debating the same thing with the same ages here too! We love the idea of a 3rd child in the mix but the reality of the baby stage again is terrifying especially seeing as neither of ours were good sleepers so it has really pushed us to our limits each time. However from the age of about 18months they’ve just become so much fun and that seems like a distant memory again! It’s so hard.

I have a 3 and 1 yr old too. I'm not having another, finally decided.
We wouldn't have enough time to dedicate to each child. When they are older it's going to be super expensive.
We are looking forward to get to the stage me and DH can go out and have my parents babysit and we can relax a bit more.

We love it BUT had a bigger age gap. Everyone with smaller age gaps seems really stressed all the time and don't underestimate 3 in nursery at the same time. Having your third when your eldest is in reception+ is still lovely and gives you more one on one time with each of them which is definitely what we've found hardest.

I have three with similar ages gaps. Firstly we can afford it. It’s v expensive. Just looked into booking a hotel for a week and it was 5k instead of 2.5k for
the extra child. So villa it is instead.
I said to DH he would have to be v hands on if we had a third. And he is. It’s divide and conquer. Evenings are spent running around driving to activities. I have different sexes. That makes it harder.
The thing I find hardest is being out and on my own with all three. It’s stressful and I hate it.
But I do love that they are a gang, that we are a chaotic noisy family. That three is a party. Everyone adores our youngest. The older two dote on the youngest. He is a mummy’s boy. I would say it has in a small way affected my relationship with my eldest as I am always putting the younger two to bed, dealing with them. I have to push for time with him. He has a strong bond with his dad.
I work very part time. I don’t think I could manage much more, so I am very much in plod mode in my career for the foreseeable. I am just about at peace with that.
My relationship is strong with DH. We haven’t slept in the same bed for years but our relationship can take it. We find other times and places.
You will find you lose some friends but gain others. Families of three make a beeline for each other. They understand the chaos.
It is definitely hard. You need a rock solid relationship and a DH who is willing to roll his sleeves up.

Thank you! Very useful!

Do you have family support around? Do you thing this is a factor for having a 3rd kid?

Keep in mind that I work 4 days but I finish early and I can do school runs and my DH works full time.

We have 3 - 5yo, 3yo, 1yo. Absolutely brilliant and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'd say all 3 are massive mummy's boys so I'm constantly smothered with cuddles and kisses! I love it and absolutely make the most of it as I know they won't always be this way. DH and I don't argue much really, we never have. I think we are a pretty good family unit tbh. Nursery costs are high so maybe wait til your youngest gets the free hours (although we didn't and just had to suck it up until the 30 free hours kicked in). We did always want 3 though and are both one of 3 ourselves so it's a number we felt comfortable with from the outset.

I have 4 boys - 7, 5, 2 and 3mo. Absolutely love it - although it’s very noisy and the food bill is 😵‍💫 Best things - they play together so much. Even the baby is entertained! The older two are quite helpful these days - they rotate emptying the dishwasher and laying the table.

I only have 1 sibling and for some reason I always wanted a much bigger family myself as I like the busy family feel! Two things though that have massively helped - I am a SAHM and my mum lives round the corner. I’m not sure if I’d have had so many under different circumstances (though I’d probably have found a way 😆). The years go by so fast and the baby stage especially is gone in the blink of an eye so for me the hard work is worth it in the long run.

i love having 3, but oh my it is SO much more work than 2 - and my youngest is nearly 11 now! I think the baby/toddler/early primary ones are hard work but joyous, but it does become a slog. And, although the older ones adored the little one when they were all younger, things are trickier now they are all so much older. Teens are demanding, and it's really painful when more than one is having a hard time, and you not only can't do anything much about it, but you also can't give them the time you'd want to.

This is such a useful insight. Can I ask 2 things:

1. What's your household income? I always wonder what level of income makes a 3rd feasible. I'm away that as I live in London everything is more expensive!

1. Why do you think having the same sex is easier? I can guess but I'm interested to hear.

I have 3 all same sex. I wouldn’t say that is easier at all. They’re three very different individuals and have different needs. Also as they get older the dynamic can be a bit difficult as one can get left out. 3 is very very difficult. Much more so than two. I love having a larger family buy it is really hard work and we are exhausted all the time!

I remember reading these threads and driving myself crazy trying to decide!

I had three but we had 18 months between first two and then 4 years between second and third. Mixed sexes.

It's great, they're a gang, I always wanted 3 because I'm one of 5. They play really nicely together and the house is full of fun and mess.

But it can be draining. DH and I run our own businesses which comes with its pros and cons. It's hard if two of them are sick or worse three and often we have weeks where it's back to back illness (like now!) it is noticeably more expensive and I wouldn't do it if you still couldn't afford some nice treats / holiday etc.

I must admit I worry about the teenage years and the emotional support they will need at the same time but I'm sure we will manage.

We don't have loads of family help so weekends are hard as we try give each other a break and three on your own out can be tricky!

Youngest is 2.5 almost so I'm coming out the other end but some days it's tough.

But would I change it even after all that? No!

My 3rd is 5 months old. Unplanned but a joy, despite being a rubbish sleeper. Lots of chaos and we haven’t quite figured out a bedtime routine that I will be easily able to do with all 3, but I can’t imagine only have 2 now. The only thing I wish was different was a bigger gap. From Sept we will have 3 in childcare, at a cost of £200 a day which means it pointless me working.

I have 4, adding the third was fairly easy. I found going from 1 to2 was the biggest jump as you couldnt help everyone at once which took some getting used to. You either need to have a DH who gets stuck in without being asked, or be prepared to handle it all yourself and be zen about that. There is no where to hide with the workload of more than2 dc. Mine are all really close friends and I found that having more than 2 meant that they were no longer compared to each other (as I simply couldnt remember who had done what and when) which was actually very healthy for all concerned. They learn to be independent and wait their turn. They learn that life isnt fair but its possible to hug, run and feel loved.

Apologies, I posted a reply meant for another thread.

I have 3 children aged (just turned 10), 7.5 and 20 months. I think for me the most hectic is the laundry. As per previous poster I don't find it at all stressful possibly due to our age gaps. My older two are very caring towards the baby and it is amazing to watch. The baby completes us as a family and it feels like everyone is here now.

Logistically you both need to be in the same page especially if like us you have no family nearby. Were exhausted but our older two play do a few activities 4/5 days a week so it is not down to the baby.

With the age of your kids you will need a bigger car or one parent stays at home if possible.

For us there are no downsides and I'm enjoying having them as kids and quite envious of their relationship as I'm an only child. Hopefully they are kind and stay close to each other as they grow older.
I appreciate this is my personal experience but I would wait for at least a 3 year gap between two and 3. Give yourself time to breathe and enjoy them individually.
Are you in paid employment and how will it affect childcare options?
Number three is definitely a luxury as I never questioned having the first or the second. Best of luck with your decision.

@kentlassie how old are yours?

Were you one of three yourself? It changes the sibling dynamic quite substantially.

To answer some of the questions to my post.
Our household income is about 200K in the north of England. But only in the last couple of years. I know a few three child families and their household income is prob about 100k and they have comfortable lifestyles.
Inhad family help until recently. Unfortunately due to their ages/ health I don’t anymore. I have worked up a good babysitting network now. I also have made friends with people in my village and we all help each other out.
Same sex is easier in terms of hobbies. I tried unisex hobbies but my kids fell into their stereotypes of football and dancing despite me trying.

In terms of working. All the people I know with three have one parent that works part time in rigid hours ( health care/teaching etc) and one parent that works full time but is high enough up the ladder that their hours are flexible/ they work from home meaning they can get involved in school runs etc.

With regards to working we both work full time, DH about 37 hours and I work around 48hours over 4 days (2days 2 nights) which averages at 43 hours if you take days off into account. Baby is in childcare 3 days a week depending on my work days. DH wfh so he does drop offs and collections in my working days and the older two go to 1hr homework club after school two days a week (when I'm working).

Things do calm down and our third will be 2 in May. Our first never slept, second slept better (only because he couldn't be worse) and third sleeps best but with regards to temperament is a mix of first and second.
For me I knew I would have regretted not having a third and I gave it time as my second was 5 when third was born. I was hoping that longing will fade but it did not. During pregnancy I knew I was done having babies, just felt the finality of it and I'm not interested in having another now. I don't envy anyone trying to decide what decision to take.
The one decision was that if I didn't get pregnant by my 35th birthday I was done. I had just turned 34 when we finally decided to have another child and my baby was born two weeks before I turned 35.

I love that there are so many of these threads , plenty for me to scroll and mull over. We don't have 3 yet but I think about it all the time. My eldest just turned 3yo and youngest is 10mo, and I often have my 5yo nephew with us as his parents work shifts - and I just see myself as a mum of more than two. What is stopping us is the logistics; car, activities, savings for future, etc. But then I hate the idea of not following my gut because of LOGISTICS, because that is very much not me.

It is such a bloody hard decision, isn't it?!

We have 3 girls. 12, 3 and 3 months. Love every minute of it although it’s loud and a bit chaotic at times. The girls all get on really well (so far anyway). Always running around different places with the age gap and the 3 year old Defs won’t sit through the oldest gymnastics competitions etc which means finding childcare or not going to see. Having said that I think that’s partly her age and partly her personality 😂. Wouldn’t change it though I love the madness. DP and I are stronger than ever we both love it. He’s one of 6 so knew what it would be like. I have one sibling and always felt like I wanted the house to be busy when I had my own family. Stopping at 3 though. Don’t think we could afford another in the mix 😂

We have 3 (5, 3 and a newborn). 5 year old is quite independent (gets dressed all by herself, sorts out bookbag, pours own breakfast). As I had some back pain in pregnancy, it was useful to have them both be able to get out of the bath without me lifting, not sure how I would have managed if they couldn't / still required lots of lifting as husband works away. I definitely think the larger gap after the first 2 helps, but if it had happened sooner we probably would have found a way to make it work.

I feel my wife manipulated and pressed me into having a 3rd (yes it does happen) knowing all the Financial pressures amongst the other challenges I have which I was vocal about for a long while. Now I resent her and no longer want to be in the relationship, it has made me realise how selfish and self-serving she is. If we split which is likely it will have a lasting impact on all of the kids :(

I’m pregnant with DC3 at the moment so I’ll let you know. DD1 will be 10 and DD2 will be 3.5 when DS is born.

DH and I flip flopped for ages on whether or not to have a third before finally deciding not to. Literally that month I got a surprise BFP. I was in a state of shock about it for a while and I’m only just fully getting my head around it all.

Logistically, we have an SUV that fits three across and will be looking to replace DH’s hatchback as soon as we can. We live in a good size 3-bed so DDs will be sharing (they are very excited) the bigger second bedroom and DS will have the smaller room. We’re hoping to move in the next year or so but the market around us is pretty dead right now.

The bonus of the age gaps we’ve got is that DD1 is very independent and a brilliant big sister. DD2 understands a lot more and is really excited for a new baby. She’s entitled to her 30 free hours from January as well so childcare will be cheaper.