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Original poster

Should we have a third?

38 replies

mondray · 19/01/2023 22:09

I have been back and forth about this since DS2 was three months old (18 months now).

We always said we were going to have two, but at this point there was just something that told me we weren't done and have been going back and forth since then.

Pro's

  • DS1 and DS2 have always slept through the night.
  • Would love a little gang, especially as I grew up as an only child.
  • Already have all the equipment needed.
  • We have the room and finances for it.

Cons

  • Less time for the other kids
  • Everything made for family of four
  • More kids than adults. Can't do 1-1 parenting anymore.
  • Harder to find baby sitter
  • More responsibility
  • Less time for us

I'm open for thoughts and opinions. In my heart I desperately want a third. Logically it would make sense to stay at two and be happy.

DS1 is 4 and DS2 is 18 months. We've got our routines. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week. Will this all go out the window with a third? Obviously will the first few months, but after that?

My husband would probably be happy sticking with two, but I can't get it out of my mind.

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/01/2023 22:12

Honestly I see friends with 3 kids and everything is so much harder:
hosting play dates, booking holidays, the amount of washing, 3 lots of homework, 3 lots of night reading and clubs- if you couldn’t tell I really am a stick at 2 kind of person.

MargaretRiver · 19/01/2023 22:13

There is also the risk that you could have a third and then find yourself longing for a fourth!

WelcomedHome · 19/01/2023 22:14

Having 3 made us feel complete and very happy, but every con you list is true too.

we only had 18 months between DC2 and Dc3. I wouldn't repeat that!

MassiveSalad22 · 19/01/2023 22:19

My third is 10 months old, so still new to it but I vote YES. It’s sad to imagine she never existed! I always felt I was not done, and the minute she was born I was definitely definitely done (thankfully!). We have a 4.5 year gap between 2nd and 3rd - shall we/shan’t we discussions, pandemic etc. LOVE this bigger gap.

You can still do 1:1 time, just not simultaneously. Eg last half term me and DH each did something with each of the older kids - go ape, science museum, theatre trip and art session. The baby gets 1:1/2:1 all the time while the big ones are at school.

We already had a big enough car (Citroen Grand C4 Picasso). House is being extended (3 years in the planning so long before DC3 existed!).

I found my pro and con list for a third yesterday. Took soooo long to decide to go for it but I’m glad we did. Equally I remember thinking with DC1 I could have had a totally fulfilled life with just him. There’s no right choice, hence it’s so hard.

Allezallezallez2023 · 19/01/2023 22:22

Have you considered the affect on your family & how you would cope if number 3 had additional needs? I know a couple of families this happened to.

Do you work? Is your eldest at school yet? Things get a lot harder once they are at school in terms of long holidays, the amount of events you have to attend, homework & they just need you more on an emotional level.

I’m one of my three & definitely felt my mum was a bit stretched & I would have liked more time with her.

SophieLaGeroff · 19/01/2023 22:29

I'm very glad to have three but be warned that I still don't feel done!

mdh2020 · 19/01/2023 22:44

Two points:

  1. DS has 3 and he says ‘2 wasn’t enough and 3 is too many’ because you only have two hands when you cross the road.
  2. DH and I are both middle children and for that reason we only had 2 (couldn’t afford 4). I would never put a child into the position of being the middle one.
  3. You don’t say how old the older child is but it can be quite difficult to entertain 3 when they are all at different stages eg picking a movie or a day out
Louisa4987 · 19/01/2023 22:47

Worth considering the possibility of twins and how you'd feel about a third, and a fourth you hadn't bargained for!

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 22:55

I definitely worry about this. It’s hard right now to figure out what it’s going to be like when they’re older as well as neither of mine are in school yet.

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Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 22:57

@MargaretRiver i can guarantee that the want for a fourth is a definite no. I draw my limit there. If twins do happen (as someone else mentioned ) that would be something we would learn to live with 😂

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MissSmiley · 19/01/2023 22:58

I had twins for number three... something else to consider maybe

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 22:59

@WelcomedHome we wouldn’t even start trying until youngest is two and normally takes us a while. So smallest age gap would be 3 years. I definitely would t be able to cope with anything less than that.

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MissSmiley · 19/01/2023 23:00

In fact I know two other mums who had twins on their third pregnancy and one who had triplets!!

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 23:00

@MassiveSalad22 thata really lovely to hear. I feel like normally all you hear is negatives so nice to see someone that has loved it.
would you mind sharing your pro and con list? Wouldn’t mind adding some more perspective.

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Luckystar7jf · 19/01/2023 23:03

I am trying for my third. Will stop at 4. Always wanted 4.

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 23:05

@Allezallezallez2023 i have considered a possible specials needs. And with all honesty it would be a struggle if it was something serious. If we knew in advance (even though this won’t be popular) a termination would be very likely.

My oldest is 4 and starts reception is September. So not experienced all the extras that come with this.

the positives are they I don’t work and would have the time to deal with this, which I suppose I wouldn’t have if I was working.

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Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 23:06

@MissSmiley twins sounds doable. Triplets sounds terrifying 😂

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whosaidtha · 19/01/2023 23:06

I have three and still go to the gym 3times a week. Baby is 10months. BUT I am finding being back at work with three very hard in terms of organising my time. Pick ups/drop offs at two different places and times, after school activities, pack lunches and uniforms. It's a lot. Couldn't do it if my partner wasn't super hands on.

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 23:10

@whosaidtha hands down to you being able to deal with three, work and still find time to go to the gym.
in my case I don’t work, so deal with most of the household stuff and kids. But husband is very hands on and works from home a lot. So is mostly available if I need him throughout the day which helps.

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itsjakeandamy · 19/01/2023 23:11

We agonised over a third. It was always our plan to have 3 but the gap between 1 and 2 was shorter than anticipated and we had always said we would have similar spacing (both dh and I are from families with 2 close together than a long gap before the 3rd. We're different positions in those families but both felt that they were not ideal). We discussed it back and forth for ages and in the end the head won out over the heart. My heart said I'd love another one and they'd fit right in and it would be great and I wasn't finished. My head said that we should be too thinly stretched, that my number 2 would have hated being a middle child and that we would find it very hard to cope with a 3rd child with additional needs (in a way that I don't think we would have with either of the older children as we were "definitely" going to have them regardless if you see what I mean).
There were times I definitely mourned a third child but I think my head concerns were very valid and would have been true. My children are now young adults and I'm very glad we stopped where we did. It's made things easier. We would have coped with 3 at uni and 3 needing bedrooms and 3 doing sports / holidays etc but our choices in terms of work / hours etc would have been restricted by the additional expense and the additional time that needed to be given.
I've got amazing friends with 3 or more children who cope brilliantly but I think I would have been a worse parent to 3 (or God forbid 4 if twins had turned up) than I am to 2.

Whattheladybird · 19/01/2023 23:12

I have three and they were none of them good sleepers.

As someone else said, every con you list (and more) is true. But our family feels more complete than it did before.

I worry about middle child symptom; my middle child was distinctly different when he was the youngest too, but right now his ability to switch between two modes of playing is amazing to watch.

Original poster
mondray · 19/01/2023 23:15

@mdh2020
i would love to hear more about growing up as a middle child. I struggle with understanding as I was an only child. I have quite a few people around me that are 1 of 3 (including my husband) and have not heard too many complaints.

my oldest is 4 and youngest is 18 months.
if we were to start trying when oldest is just over 2 (and we’re successful straight away). They would be almost 6, 3 and newborn.

OP posts:
Spinxsta · 19/01/2023 23:17

Our third completed us. The older two were 6 & 5 when the 3rd was born so very patient and understanding of the baby's needs. They've celebrated each milestone with us and it's wonderful to watch them being big siblings! I'm not worried about middle child syndrome as our middle is our only girl. We are natural planners and we schedule in time for 1-1 with the older ones . We've kept any distribution to their clubs and play dates to a minimum. Their friends generally love playing with the "baby". I'm so glad our 3rd happened.

alanabennett · 19/01/2023 23:20

I have three and wouldn't change it for the world. .There are 3 years between each sibling so I had a 6, 3 and newborn. All the pros and cons you listed are valid but despite the increased costs etc it's a joy. I've no idea why people think being the middle one is a bad thing! And when we travel we stay in VRBOs rather than hotels.

i thought I might want 4 but as soon as 3 arrived it was like a switch had been flicked. Done!

satelliteheart · 19/01/2023 23:21

It's a very personal decision that only you and your husband can make. However, my number 3 is 2 months old and so far I couldn't be happier that we've had 3, he's made us feel much more like a family

It took us a long time to make the decision and even when we started trying I still wasn't 100% sure it was the right choice but now he's here I know it was

My pros and cons were

Pros:
Dh and I both come from larger families (dh one of 3, me one of 5) so it seemed "the norm" to have more than 2

1&2 were both boys so was a chance to possibly have a girl and have the experience of both sexes (he was another boy so this became irrelevant)

Already had a big enough house

Supportive family who are happy to babysit regularly

I'm a sahm so no increase in childcare costs

ds1 would start school before baby born so I wouldn't have 3 full time at home

cons:
needed a bigger car

Holidays/day trips are more expensive/complicated with 3

More years in the baby/young children phase

More expensive

less time for the two we have

Possible special needs making the third more challenging than anticipated

I honestly would have a fourth if money was no object and if I was physically up to it but after 3 c sections I'm not prepared to put myself through it again. And obviously it's early days but so far I feel like having 3 has improved our family so much. I've found by the 3rd I just take it all in my stride, I'm used to the manic mornings getting everyone out the house, endless laundry and never feeling like I'm on top of the housework. A 3rd person in the mix really doesn't make much difference

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