Should we have a third?

[mondray]

I have been back and forth about this since DS2 was three months old (18 months now).

We always said we were going to have two, but at this point there was just something that told me we weren't done and have been going back and forth since then.

Pro's

• DS1 and DS2 have always slept through the night.

• Would love a little gang, especially as I grew up as an only child.

• Already have all the equipment needed.

• We have the room and finances for it.

Cons

• Less time for the other kids
• Everything made for family of four

• More kids than adults. Can't do 1-1 parenting anymore.

• Harder to find baby sitter

• More responsibility

• Less time for us

I'm open for thoughts and opinions. In my heart I desperately want a third. Logically it would make sense to stay at two and be happy.

DS1 is 4 and DS2 is 18 months. We've got our routines. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week. Will this all go out the window with a third? Obviously will the first few months, but after that?

My husband would probably be happy sticking with two, but I can't get it out of my mind.

Also I work FT and currently my kids are in three different schools with different start abc end times. We juggle but we manage!

@Whattheladybird if you have any more pros and cons I would love to hear them 😂.

I also worry about middle child syndrome. My oldest is a sensitive souls and would not have coped with being a middle. But my youngest is fiercely independent and even at this age feel like he doesn’t need me. He got his fingers caught in a door today (looked quite bad) wanted a three second cuddle and then off he went. I’m not sure if this would be a good or bad thing.

I have three but the older two were 8 and 5 when youngest was born which made it easier. We’ve always been careful to make sure each child has 1-1 attention regularly to stave off any jealousy (and because it’s fun!).

Older two love being able to relive their childhood memories ie going to the zoo etc through the excuse of their younger sibling (eldest told me “it’s great, it’s like having our childhood twice!”) and things like Christmas are still magical. I’ve been very careful that the older ones aren’t “held back”
in any way in our trips and holidays and as a result the littley has many happy memories of playing with the exhibits in the Leonardo da Vinci museum in Florence and riding the cable cars in Barcelona before they were really big enough to appreciate it. My point is, the older ones got to experience everything they ever would but the younger one got in on the ride as well - if they had to miss out because of the youngest I can see it might cause resentment. It all evens out as the older two are grown now and our days out and holidays are centred around the youngest but she’s had a fabulous time riding on their coattails!!

Having a third tends to be hard for the middle child in my experience.

Personally I feel that two children work really well for a couple - two parents and two children is a good balance and ensures that both children get lots of attention growing up

Practically, restaurant tables, taxis, hotel rooms are geared towards a family of four too

I had a surprise third. It was a real shock but he definitely completed us. I had pangs of broodiness after my second but not once after my third 😅There's four years between my oldest and youngest.

The first two years were hard, especially as my husband left us so it was all down to me. If I had a hands on husband like you describe I'd have been flying. My kids are an absolute joy but my lack of support network made it very hard.

I don't regret having any of them they are a real team. I found my middle child making a get well soon card for my oldest because he said he had a headache (and wasn't I'll at all 🤣) they really do care and look out for each other, which makes me really see the benefit of having more than two. In which I mean, there's more people to share the problem with or to be with.

The only real problem I seem to have is I can't just take them swimming as the ratios are one adult to two children so that has to be planned but my oldest will be 8 soon and quite a competent swimmer. Holidays, restaurants, home work don't seem to have caused much issues so far.

I think if you are in a good position (or at least not as dire as the one I found myself in) it could really benefit your family (even if it is twins 😳)

our middle child is doing well, he was always joined to my hip and still is. It’s a bit tricky around teatime/witching hour when they all want you at once but that’s the only time I struggle really.

Middle child has always been laid back and we’ve presented it to him as he’s reeeeally special because he’s the only one in our whole family (right up to the grandparents) who knows what it’s like to be both an older and a younger brother.

Here’s my pros and cons list for you :)

Pros of 2:
can do all the hobbies they want (so far so good with 3 and DD just along for the ride but she’s used to it)
better holidays perhaps?
more downtime for me, sooner
my health (one less pregnancy and birth)
Better for the planet

Cons of 2:
we want 3!
bit cookie cutter and quiet/too easy
what if older 2 don’t get on as adults?
Quiet christmases

Pros of 3:
A third buddy to love
No pairing off into favourites (DS1 is v like dad and DS2 v like me. Obviously no real favourites but could seem that way to kids)
I just have loved raising kids so far and it’s the peak of my life and I want to do it again
3rd adult child sounds great
want a busy buzzing house

Cons of 3:
mad house
big age gap (almost 7 years between oldest and youngest but so far so great and I recommend!)
squeezing in building work (starting when DD is 1 hopefully so what will be will be)
1:1 time with each (we just make a conscious effort with this)
childcare/dates - didn’t happen with 2 anyway

Maybe those are selfish lists but some people say having kids full stop is selfish, plus so far DD seems pretty delighted to have been born 😄

Thanks so much for everyone’s thoughts and opinions. They really have been helpful.
There’s been a great mixture of positives and negatives against 3, which is to be expected. It’s such a personal decision to make and not something you can know until you’re in it.

I’ve been feeling oddly defensive to the posts that are against having a third, which kind of answers my question of what I truly want.

My husband is 50/50 and if I’m honest probably more leaning towards sticking to two, but this is mostly due to pressure of being the breadwinner.
The plan is for me to go back to work part time at some point when kids have all started school, which should hopefully alleviate his worries.
He’s got a good salary, so we’re doing well and a third might stretch us more, but not be unaffordable in anyway. It might mean we go on one holiday instead of two a year i.e not the end of the world.

We’ve got an extension planned for this spring/summer which should hopefully be done by early autumn, so we have a few more months to think about it.

I have just turned 35 and ideally don’t want to leave it much longer than that due to my age and also don’t want the age gap between the kids to be too big either.

So I guess we will see what happens in the next 6 months or so. Watch this space.

Any update , OP? Currently having them exact same internal struggle !

@LucyEleanorModeratz Well we did decide to have another one. Can't update much as we've still got another 3 weeks to go before he's out.
So far this pregnancy has definitely by far been the toughest for me health wise. Not sure if it's an age thing (I'm 36) or just pure coincidence.

My older two are now 6 and 3.5 years old. Very happy with this age gap as they're pretty independent, so should hopefully make the transition for the whole family easier.
Boys are very excited to have a new baby brother.

I do have to admit there is always a part of me wondering what have we done. Our lives were just getting easier and now we're starting all over again. But too late to turn back now and can't wait to have a little newborn to cuddle with soon. 😁

Congratulations OP! Like you, I debated having a third and am currently 6 months pregnant! I must have read all the third child threads on here and it’s always so nice to have updates. Hopefully we will be joining in again in 2025 to say it was a great decision 😂. Wishing you all the best for the coming weeks.

@Fittingitallin Thanks so much. I am definitely ready for it to be over. It’s been tough and this pregnancy has felt looong. But my husband has been incredible. He has taken on so much extra work around the house and looking after the kids on top of what he normally does anyway. I couldn’t have done it without him.

The boys are great too. Felt a lot of mum guilt about not being able to do as much with them, but should hopefully get easier soon and I can make it up to them.

Congratulations to you too. How has your pregnancy been so far and how has your family been coping with all the changes?

Very much looking forward to 2025 😁

@mondray I’m sorry it’s been tough! Your husband and boys sound great though so hopefully they will be a brilliant team for you when baby arrives.

I was very sick from about week 5 to 18, which has been the same in every pregnancy really, so not unexpected. That was quite difficult, although the vomiting was conveniently worse in the evenings and overnight when children were asleep! Combined with working and juggling everything I was feeling exhausted and definitely had a few “what on earth have we done?!” moments.

Now that the vomiting has eased off, I feel a lot better and more positive. In my previous pregnancies, I’ve been quite fortunate to feel OK in the second half after the endless vomiting of the first half, so am keeping my fingers crossed for more of the same, despite being that little bit older (also 36).

My children are 3 and 1 so the little one doesn’t understand what’s about to happen, but we finally told them this week and my eldest is very excited for a little brother (we don’t know the sex of the baby 😂)…

This sounds like us. Girl in the middle so middle child syndrome doesn't come into play. She was exactly 3 when third was born. I wouldn't be without my third for the world. Would say he is most like me of the three and we have a lovely relationship. They are grown up now but l do remember always wanting that third. I had horrendous pregnancies so it was a big ask with two young dc. But after he was born l never once, even for a second wanted a fourth. I was done and happy. It would be like the royal family without Louis!! But l was able to do it work wise and financially with a pretty hands on dh although he had a far busier job with longer hours. And l was lucky he was a very easy teenager so l didn't even regret it at that stage.