Unplanned fourth pregnancy and considering abortion

[Kirsty12341]

I’m not sure what response I’m looking for here but feel I just need to let out the way I am feeling as I dont want to talk to friends and family.

I have 3 children aged 7, 6 and 18months and 2 weeks ago found out I’m expecting my fourth. It was a complete shock especially as we had decided years ago that we only wanted 3 children, so after my son was born we just felt complete and totally contented with our family of 5. When finding out that I’m pregnant again I was overcome by so many negative feelings and instantly told my husband I didn’t want to keep it ( a situation I never thought I would find myself in, I never thought I would ever consider abortion even though I am pro choice ). I found out when I was 5 weeks and now I’m 7w3d and have still not came to a decision, I’m totally stuck on what is the right thing to do.

our living situation is not ideal as it is we live in a small bungalow which has two very small double bedrooms (fits double bed with bedside cabinets and just enough room for a wardrobe in each) my two daughters are in one bedroom and me and my husband in the other. We have an extremely small box room which my son is in but we are making it work. So I just don’t know how we are going to make another baby work. We don’t have the money to get a bigger home and won’t have for many years yet.

we have just taken a car out on higher purchase 2 months ago and put a lot of our savings into it so that is another problem we would have to figure out as we would need a bigger car.

My two girls have a lot of hobbies which they go to 5 days a week (would be less if they went to the same hobbies but they have totally different personalities). I have struggled to keep it up after having my son but have made it work as I dont want them missing out. Especially my middle child as she has a big confidence issue and her hobbies are starting to make a difference so I really wouldn’t want to cut back on hers. I worry that with 4 children I wouldn’t be able to give them the time and opportunities that they deserve and it kills me to think I can’t give that to them, I am managing now even though it’s hard work but seems like an impossibility with 4.

my husband works 8am-6pm 5 days a week so I am their main caregiver. I take them to and from school and hobbies and don’t think I can cope with 4 as I feel I’m barely getting by just now with 3.

I can think of a hundred reasons why not to go through with this pregnancy but don’t think I can live with myself having an abortion, I’m really struggling with the thought of it and haven’t slept in 2 weeks with worry. I feel like I’m being selfish because I like life the way it is just now we are getting by comfortably and I am able to give my children the life and opportunities I want to.

I have everything I need to have the abortion in a pack infront of me that I plan to do on Friday but I really don’t know if I can go through with it. I hate that I can’t give this baby the love and care I’m giving to my other 3 children.

if anyone has been in the same situation or anyone who can offer some advice I would be extremely grateful because I feel like my life is in turmoil and whatever I decide is going to be life changing and I dont think I’m ready for what’s to come for whatever choice I make.

I am in the exact same situation. I have a 6, 4 and 9 month old and went back to my full time job this week. We have a big enough house and car but our life seems so hectic and stressful at the moment I’m not sure we can add to that. My head says it’s not the right time but my heart says maybe we can do it. Such a tough decision!

Hi Kirsty, I just wanted to empathise with you and share an experience I had this week as I’m going through the same thing - an unplanned fourth pregnancy. In my case, my husband had cancer after the birth of my second child (I have three) and we were told he was infertile for life: it turns out that’s not the case and I’m 10 weeks pregnant with my fourth. I feel exactly the same as you. I don’t want another child but can’t bring myself to end a life knowing everything. Having three children already, I’m so aware of everything it could become and how much it would be loved etc. I also worry about the regret though think the lady who pointed out that regret is different from sadness made a wonderful point.

For what it’s worth…. I had booked in a surgical procedure at MSI and turned up on Wednesday but couldn’t stop crying so they turned me away. For a few minutes, I felt relief. And my husband (who has been amazing) said ‘I think it’s a sign, let’s keep it’. So I spent 24 hours trying to wrap my head around that idea. I thought I’d feel relief and excitement making that decision but I didn’t, I felt down and really depressed, like I just couldn’t face it at all. So I’m going to try taking two with a second surgery booked in next Friday. I don’t know how it will go but I wish you so much luck in your decision. If you go ahead with the termination, write down all your reasons for doing it so if your future self ever questions it, you’ll always have that as a reference. So much luck and love.

It sounds as though you're doing the right thing for the children you already have;the feelings of guilt and sadness are probably your stumbling block here;those feelings are understandable in your situation and your allowed to feel like that.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck.

If you are struggling with the decision then perhaps abortion in your circumstances isn't the right thing for you. Is it something you will massively regret. Like every Christmas you would think there should be a fourth child here. I have seen people write this on MN and it's terribly sad.

It's ok to have an abortion
Its ok to prioritise your existing children
Id rather have pangs of sadness then have my children lose out on opportunities and live in crowded housing.
And maybe you need to consider better birth control (not meant as a criticism)

Hi Op, I just wanted to share that I am in a very similar situation. Three children, youngest is 4. Well and truly content and happy with our life. Unexpectedly pregnant, now 10 weeks. Like you, completely torn - rational brain says no, I do not want this baby. Emotional heart says no, I do not want an abortion. I’ve had some counselling to help me navigate this turmoil which is completely distressing and draining. I also tried to have a medical abortion at home a couple of weeks ago and I could not for the life of me take that bloody pill. I tried and tried. My rational brain would reason why it was right for us to end the pregnancy but then just as I put the pill to my lips, my emotional heart would not let me do it. It ended up being a very traumatic few hours as I battled with these two wills. In the end I realised that I needed to have some compassion for myself and respect that I have to be ‘all in’ for such a life-changing decision. My counsellor said that you need to be at least 80/20 sure on this. 20% uncertainty she said she could work with afterwards in terms of the feelings etc that might arise, but less than that could cause mental harm afterwards. She did share this link to a pregnancy choices workbook, which you might find helpful www.pregnancyoptions.info

I am a little closer in resigning myself to the fact that I may have to continue the pregnancy as I just can’t envision going through with the surgical… and I need to do that in the next week or so, if that is to happen. I’ve also just started my PhD so this is not just an upheaval for my family but the plans I had made to focus on myself after all these years.

I really feel for your situation and I’m sorry that others are also tormenting themselves as we are ☹️ I hope you can find some peace and resolve with whatever choice you come to… I think that’s all we ask for.

Oh Kirsty, I'm so so incredibly sorry you experienced such a terrible event and that you're feeling so much guilt and sadness.

It sounds like you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Neither keeping the baby nor having the abortion was what you wanted, but it's easy to imagine after the fact that the other option would have been better and made you happier. I'm honestly not sure that would have been the case, it may have just been a different kind of unhappiness filled with just as many "what ifs". What's done is done, you did nothing wrong, you made the decision you felt was best and you did it after very carefully considering the options. You couldn't have known you'd feel such regret, nor could you have possibly predicted you'd have to see your baby. That must have been such a terrible, terrible shock.

You might have been able to make it work with another baby, but you might not have been able to do so happily. You were worried that you wouldn't have been able to give all the children as much as you wanted to, and you might have resented the baby. Many women regret having children, or additional children, and upsetting the happy balance they had before. It's easy to look back, now that you've made a different choice, and think it would have been great, but I think you might be looking at it through the lens of regret and not with clear seeing eyes.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way now and please know that it will get better with time. Sending you lots of love.

Sorry to jump on your post, I wanted to ask a few questions ..

1. did you go through with it?
2. if yes has it affected you in anyway mentally?
3. if no .. how is four kids!!

i find myself in a similar position right now and I haven’t told a single soul. Just dwelling on my options. 8,5 and 8 months. I just don’t think I can take on another little babe yet of ever, my youngest still needs me a lot (as expected of course) .. but I’ve always said I’d never go through with an abortion as I know it would affect me mentally!

i know I could love another .. but financially I want to give my babes the world and fear I’d be taking that away from them 😔. Also know my partner does not want anymore at all .. I’m also terrified of the disappointment from our parents and family ..

Hi @Sam271809 ,I did decide to go through with the abortion and I grieve over it every single day wondering all the what ifs…. Some days I think I made the right choice and other days I wish I didn’t terminate. It has been a hard 2 years I’m not going to lie and I still find it unbearable to let myself to get into deep thought about it….this is not to say that you would feel this way as I’ve read many people who have come off the other end feeling more relieved than anything. I do wish I could go back and change my decision, I wish I would’ve listened to my instincts and not let my worry of all the negatives overwhelm me. I read on a thread afterwards “you never regret a child and you love it unconditionally but you might always regret an abortion” I wish I had read that before I made my decision because I often think yes it wouldve been hard with 4 children but not as hard as living with the guilt and wondering what life would’ve been like. I don’t mean to sway you one way or another this is just my experience after an abortion, everyone is different. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide xx

I agree

First is your heart and mind
Second is your children and husband

Its not a child, its a mass of cells at the moment

“you never regret a child and you love it unconditionally but you might always regret an abortion” I wish I had read that before I made my decision because I often think yes it wouldve been hard with 4 children but not as hard as living with the guilt and wondering what life would’ve been like.

I disagree - some people do regret children, first one, second one.. You greiving for what might have been, not for what is.

Please dont feel guilt, you dont deserve to feel guilt, you have done nothing wrong